Emotional Abuse & Separation

Cream Bun

Hi all, I've recently discovered my husband is a covert narcissist. We are together over 20 years and have 3 young kids. I'm really suffering every day. I just can't believe I'm in this position. I was blind to it before but now that I know , I can't unsee it. And things have escalated as he knows I know. Our kids are very young and I don't want to be tearing our family apart. I worry about how I would cope as a single mum to 3 kids. How much access would he get? It would kill me to see them going away with him

He torments me mentally and knows how to push my buttons so I know he'd make it torture for me. I just want to start a new life with my 3 young kids. But does anyone have any personal experience in this situation? Where would I go? There's no way he'd move out as he thinks I'm making everything up. He's projecting everything on to me. I'm manipulative and I'm controlling in his eyes. He's ignored me for months even after our baby was born 9 months ago he wasn't emotionally supportive at all. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my family helping me.

But I don't know how I could leave with 3 kids. One is school going and I can uproot her as she would be traumatised. I wish I knew this before we had kids. The signs were always there but I remained silent and put up with it for so so long.. I can't do it anymore and Idon't see an easy way out of this 😕

marilynrr

Would you consider contacting womens aid? They have a live chat mornings and evenings if you're not comfortable phoning.

I hope you don't mind me saying but I looked at your post history to see if you had any other info about your husbands behaviour and I would say that you would be identifiable to your husband if he happened to come across your account on here.

Big Bag of Chips

Are your family close by? I know you say your daughter would be traumatised if you split, but how will she be if you stay? And if she sees her dad treating her mam badly. Don't think children don't notice.

He won't leave. He won't admit any fault. And counselling with someone like that won't work. He'll use it against you to further manipulate you. So any changes need to come from you.

If you have family, please speak to them. It's not ideal but moving in with family and having to squeeze in is a better situation than the one you are all in at the moment.

Take care of yourself. Try not to react to him. He's pushing your buttons and deliberately upsetting you. Try to switch off and not give him the reaction he wants. It's a sport to him. A game. Speak to Women's Aid. Speak to your family. People will help.

Akrasia

A narcissist knows what they're doing is harmful to their family and do it deliberately for their own gain. If your husband really is a narcissist then you already realize that he won't facilitate a mutually agreeable separation nor will he make a caring and nurturing partner in the long term.

If he won't move out, then you will need to leave, ideally with the kids. If you have any family or friends who can help you in the immediate term with practical stuff like accommodation and childcare, you should get in touch with them and make a plan.

Record everything he does and says that you feel are provocative or hurtful in a journal, record how they made you feel and how you reacted because later on he will try to argue that you left him and he was the perfect partner who is the victim here and dates and times and the sequence of events can get very muddy over weeks and months and gaslighting will be a thing

YellowLead

It’s a horrible situation to be in - my heart goes out to you.

You mentioned that before - ‘the signs were always there but I remained silent and put up with it for so so long‘. Now there are kids in the mix it’s not just yourself you have to think about, remaining silent isn’t really an option anymore, for any of you. I echo the advice to talk to women’s aid - they see many cases like yours and will provide not only a sympathetic ear but practical advice about your options and support. You said yourself you can’t go on like this - first step could be making that call. Other people have been in your situation and worked it out - you can too.

Hannibal_Smith

@giddyuprdat I have deleted your post as it falls short of the standard expected herein PI/RI. As you are new to boards, please be aware that posts in PI/RI should offer mature, civil, constructive advice to an OP. Trying to assign blame to an OP looking for advice on a relationship they describe as abusive does not fall into any of those categories. Please read the Charter which can be found here before posting again.

HS

spaceHopper

 I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my family helping me.

You've answered your own question, can you ask your family for help. Don't worry about the kids, they'll be fine the younger you make the change the better. The next few years for you could be sh1t but then you have your freedom. If he's damaging you then it has to be having an affect on your kids too, they aren't blind.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Please note that it is against the PI Charter to ask for updates from an OP.

Feel free to start your own thread, if you wish to do so.
Thank you.

3DataModem

I've heard really great things about Women's Aid for people in exactly your situation. Good luck OP.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted.
As per the charter:

• Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased. Remember you are speaking to a real person who has posted a problem that is impacting them.
• Generalisations and generic sweeping statements are not helpful to an OP.

If unfamiliar with the charter, please read it before posting.
Thank you.