My wife had an affair, A long time ago.

Apathy_Anger

Keeping it fairly simply, A few months ago I learned of an affair my wife had in work many years ago.

It lasted about 3 years and started through a mutual attraction (2 very good looking people) and it progressed very quickly just before his wife had a kid and it cooled after for a while, they got back together a few months later and were together on and off for another 2/3 years, In this all but one of their physical encounters were inside the office, it all took place in there which was how it was easy enough to hide as they worked early on their own each morning until others arrived in, though they did lunch together quite regularly in the middle.

It was physical but then moved to a proper emotional connection spending many hours on the phone when not in work, this was before she saw his 'true colours' - in their last year he had started sniffing around another girl in their small office and my wife initially got jealous of that before she copped on and got out of the relationship without actually ending it but just slowly stopping phone contact and physical contact.

She also says she saw what she was missing with me returning, I was coming out of a toughish few years, work, body and extended family (life in general) were dragging on me and I was struggling for a few years, but now things were brighter in me, I was fitter and I was out in life again (not that I was ever really away though) and I was more attentive.

She stayed working with him for the next 6 odd years before moving on to another better job. They could still spend an hour odd a day sitting side by side working the job, though that dropped off also as she changed her work hours to be with him less and she says it was never discussed once or mentioned again, as they were now just colleagues/friends,

After she left there was contact between them but it was falling away to almost nothing as time went on, but he was never cut loose.

Coincidently once she stopped seeing Him, we started getting back to being pretty good together, she realised that she had made a big mistake and wanted me back and all unbeknownst to me, she wound it down with him & she picked it back up with me about 9 years ago and I can safely say the last 5/6 years have been wonderful, the last 2 were the best of my life.

It is a massive kick to my brain, she thought we'd be strong enough to get through it, but while the affair is a distant past for her and she has it well boxed away, it is my present and while most of the time I still want to be with her, how can I accept that at one point in our 30 years of being together, I was of no concern to her for about 3 of them while everything I ever thought about was with Us in mind and getting to that slower speed of life and place of fun that we now have.

I don't even have a real question, just words might make it clearer in my head and I have spoken to a therapist but I'm still left with anger, hurt & sadness and while I'm not rushing to any decisions, I can't see me making any decisions either as it feels almost unbelievable, Does this get easier or am I living a lie by staying?

marilynrr

You posted about this a few months back didn't you? As far as I remember you and your wife both thought he was manipulative and tried to suck her back in when she was trying to call it off. It did come across like your wife wasn't taking responsibility for the affair, although of course none of us know exactly what she's said to you and how much remorse she's shown.

You said that for your wife this is boxed away in the past, how does your wife respond if you bring it up now? Are you allowed to bring it up now or does she keep telling you it's in the past? Have you got angry at your wife or is that emotion suppressed with her because when you found out things had been great?

I think some find that it gets 'easier' in that they don't think about it nearly as much, but they're still left with the damage from the affair so while the affair is less in their face and they seem to cope better there's often an underlying sadness and pain that really seeps into everything. Only time will tell.

You said you spoke to a therapist about it, often talk therapy isn't the best option for this or it can only take people so far, you might benefit from trauma therapy which might help you to process the emotions better than talk therapy can.

whitelaurel

why don’t you leave her? Sure it will be crap for a while but you will more than likely end up happier. Can’t understand people staying with cheaters.

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122260474#Comment_122260474

Did she tell you about having this affair or did you find out about it otherwise. ?

bucketybuck

Your wife lies to you as easily as breathing. Thats not a guess, anybody who can lie to your face every day for years on end simply does not see lying the same way you do. To most people lying takes a toll and they are uncomfortable about it. To her it is nothing, as easy as walking and talking, she did it for years and it didn't phase her one bit.

Knowing that, how can you possibly believe a word she says? It would be incredibly blind or naïve to think that she has never lied about anything else.

When it suits her she will lie again. And she will do it as easily as she did the first time.

Furze99

Thirty years of being together? That puts you both probably well into your 50s.

Nobodies perfect, we all have good and bad points, weaknesses and strengths etc.

It's kinda unlikely she's going to have another fling now and if you're both happy together otherwise, just live with it. What's the point of breaking up an otherwise good relationship at this stage of your lives.

Which is short enough and not long till you're both approaching the last laps.

Kalimah

It’s a huge betrayal of trust - and went on for 3 years! That’s not just a one night stand. It’s deliberate and devious. Three years of sneaking around. I don’t know how anyone could come back from that. Most people would be devastated.

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122260673#Comment_122260673

I would not be too sure on that score.

The majority of those I know who have or are having affairs are in their 40`s and 50`s. A last fling at recapturing their youth or a feeling that the missed out on something when they were younger best I can see for it.

Apathy_Anger

Yes, posted previously but it was too raw then so starting again, with a clearer overview and grasp of the real story.

And yes, the amount of people having affairs now is crazy,

Her friend had started meeting a guy on the side, we were speaking about that and how she's trying to discourage her from going on with it,

So after a good few drinks i asked her if she had ever and she told me the truth about her past, I was and still am blown away, I thought there may have a fling when we were not great but not a full relationship.

I am getting 100% truth now, about it all, at times I hate her or I get angry with her or I'm ok with her or I love her.

I really want to contact his wife to be a bollocks, but that could be cruel, even though apparenly she knew in the last year and confronted him but let it continue to some degree or at least was ok for them to stay working together after, as she was just after having a kid.

combat14

3/30 or 10% rocky years

27/30 or 90% good years

why not focus on enjoying the future and the present and forget the past

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261478#Comment_122261478

As she told you about it casually after a few drinks so long after it happened and her knowing you had not even a clue that it did, it sounds as if she didn`t see it as a big deal.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261478#Comment_122261478

I have to say I find it almost more callous that she just owned up to it so easily, you asked a question and she answered it. I don't think you could drag that sort of information out of most people.

I couldn't stay in such a relationship tbh, a one night stand or a fling that lasts a week or two is one thing but an extended relationship that seems to have ended only because Lothario was trying it on with the next lady on the office - I'm sorry but you don't do that to someone you love.

Apathy_Anger

I asked why she'd tell me now so long after, she always wanted to tell me but how.

She said that if I ever asked her she, she'd be honest and tell me about it.

She felt I knew something had happened back then so for her, saying it wasnt completely out of the blue, but I'd been oblivious, (as if I'd let her stay working beside him if I knew, the way his wife did).

'Memory comes into its own when you've been betrayed, you see detail not seen 1st time around' is how I view so much now, just looking back over every scrap of a memory, and what I can find in it from then.

My brain says I've been betrayed, everything else says hold her tight.

Fool or not, she is hurting also, I Know she loves me but is that enough to fight the 4am thoughts and can the past ever truely the past.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261754#Comment_122261754

Where is the evidence she is hurting also? Sounds like her biggest regret is the affair ended because he was sniffing around someone else.

Fitzy149

I think human flesh is weak. We all fall on the path. The person you married all those years ago is not the same person that she is now.

What if that affair had the effect of deepening and strengthening her love for you - if as she says, she "assumed you knew", were ye perhaps going thru a really bad patch back then where anything could have happened ?

Maybe she was considering leaving you at the time ?

End of day, only you can decide if your relationship with your wife is worth saving.

Does she really love you ?

If so, I would let bygones be bygones.

The alternative might well be that you separate and become a resentful, lonely old man

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261492#Comment_122261492

Unfortunately many would have doubts inside as to whether all those 27 were "good", or whether they contained similar behaviour which is not known about yet

Donald Trump

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261478#Comment_122261478

Contact his wife. Let him deal with it.

If you were in her position, with your man cheating on her repeatedly, and possibly still at it chasing women in the office, would you prefer to know or stay in ignorance for another while?

Panthro

Sounds like your wife looks after no.1. If it was a one night stand situation years back it might be viewed differently. But She had an affair not over days, weeks, months but over several years.

Why on earth would anyone stick around with someone knowing their partner has done that to them.

Sorry but I'd be running as fast as my legs could carry me.

mykrodot

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122260673#Comment_122260673

Wrong. The last lap is well into your eighties these days, certainly not your fifties ! Life is for living, not contemplating your death. (although that probably depends on your attitude and your physical health)

mykrodot

I couldn't stay with someone who had cheated on me. Its not the physical its the emotional breakdown of trust.

And if I cheated on someone I loved I would never tell them, particularly if I had remorse and if I loved them. I would put myself in their shoes and imagine their hurt! Its hard to believe a spouse would openly admit immediately to having an affair that lasted years and not expect it to devastate their other half!

Fitzy149

The devil is in the detail really. And only you and she know the details ..

You say .." .. I was coming out of a toughish few years, work, body and extended family (life in general) were dragging on me and I was struggling for a few years, but now things were brighter in me, I was fitter and I was out in life again (not that I was ever really away though) and I was more attentive ..."

So we posters don't really know what happened during those "toughish years" .. when you were "less attentive" to your wife. It may have been hell on earth for her too ..

Not to excuse her betrayal but those details really do matter. Were you both about to pull the plug on your marriage back then ?

When you were "less attentive", did you hurt her ? Did it drive her to consider ending the marriage ?

What part did your 'lack of attention' play in making your wife dissatisfied ? You sound like you were unavailable to her as a husband during those "toughish years"

Only you know these details - and so, weighing up pros and cons, only you can really decide how to proceed.

You say everything is perfect now .. and has been for a few years - then I personally would be happy with that ..

How many married couples out there are fortunate enough to enjoy your current happiness (albeit tinged with some misgiving) ? A crooked winding road to get here but your wife now loves you.

I would certainly prefer this to being alone and resentful

ToweringPerformance

You'll find this is a lot more common than people would like to believe.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122261986#Comment_122261986

Likely well into their 50s I wrote and the last laps (plural)..

Dunno what age you are but there is a significant difference for many people in how they see things along with physical changes between 51 & 59. Worlds apart in some ways.

Stephen_Maturin

You’re a more forgiving man than I, OP

Whatever about a drunken one night stand full of regret, but consecutive years and years of betrayal? Years??
Just the sheer amount of deceit to loved ones that would be required over that time…

I don’t think I could ever respect a person that would do something like that, much less love them again. How utterly selfish and flippant with other people’s heart and lives. Would fill me with disgust.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122262135#Comment_122262135

You are literally trying to excuse her betrayal.

OP, there are people trying to make you believe that you are old now and so may as well settle for her because there were some good times and sure let bygones be bygones.

Except you are not old, and self respect is more important than sticking with somebody you can't even trust.

Stick with her and I guarantee in a few years you will be regretting that decision. You know she is a liar, you can't put that genie back in the bottle and it is going to eat away at you as long as she is around.

Apathy_Anger

We got together young, so both of us either side of 50, I'm still plenty young for a new life, would I have preferred the chance to restart at 40 with young kids? yes, it would have been better to know then or not know at all now, it helps no one now.

I was too busy working, self employed, barely keeping afloat after recession, don't work don't make money, got a few sports injuries so I ended up on the couch a lot recovering, tired from work, grim as I couldn't play sports, a family members marriage broke down, which took a lot of time also.

Once the business kicked off again & I was already back running and playing sports & generally being out involved in clubs, life with loads of free time had a better outlook and we were back to doing it together.

No doubt I neglected her but I felt she's the one I love so I can give her less and we'll still be ok, I was called a great father but a poor husband in those years.

She's a 10 and always gets attention but always came home with me, I'm clear on this. This affair happened in work, it was easy as it suited both of them, attention, sex but home for 5 for pretend normality and never met at weekends.

She wouldn't be sleeping around with others, I've no way to be sure but I do believe that.

Once my work got sorted we spent our time together again but in my darkest she didn't support me she took an easy option.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Some posts deleted.
Reminder - PI is not a discussion forum.

As per the charter:
Personal Issues is an advice forum. Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.

If you have no advice for the OP, do not post.

Hilda

charlie14

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122262449#Comment_122262449

THis may sound somewhat brutal, but from your post I have the feeling you know much of this already. As far as I`m concerned she didn`t give you a thought when you were at your lowest and she only told you years afterwards to salve her own conscience without a thought as to what it would do to you.

KI could understand her after a few drinks having a one night stand, or even being temporarily being swept off her feet with someone showing her a good time, but this was neither of those. This was her getting banged over an office desk for years early in the mornings before anyone else arrived for work by a married man. That is just sleazy and it really only stopped because he was chasing someone else in the office. It`s not as if her conscience then made her stop.

You are still a young man, and from what you say as regards sport, one that is in pretty good shape physically. She may be a 10 but she is also callous and I would not trust her in future as far as I could throw her, and neither do I suspect would you. You could stay with her, being constantly reminded and constantly looking for indicators that she may screwing someone else on the side. or you can get the hell out of there and have a life. Up to you, but if it was me I would be out that door as fast as my legs would carry me.

Fitzy149

OP, The fact is none of us on Boards can give you definitive advice as to how to proceed .. we have the flimsiest of details (except that she cheated on you a long time ago, admitted to it and that you still love each other)

Of the past you say : ... No doubt I neglected her but I felt she's the one I love so I can give her less and we'll still be ok, I was called a great father but a poor husband in those years .."

Well, how did you neglect her exactly - did you ignore her emotionally, sexually ? Were you fighting cats and dogs all the time ? "In those years" .. did this "neglect" go on for years ?

Again, i am not excusing her betrayal of you .. but I was not there so I do not know what it was like to live in your house during your "tough years"

Did your wife have any "tough years" ? Did you ask ? You say she is hurting also.

One poster above suggested attending trauma therapy - i would second that or sit at least with a therapist (marriage guidance or otherwise) and talk it through.

You are liable to get more solid advice on a face to face than an anonymous forum on the internet.

Do let us know how you get on. I, for one hope you can find a way to continue with your current happiness

Hannibal_Smith

@Fitzy149 while advising a poster to seek counselling is a good thing, please bear in mind that the whole point of the PI/RI forum is for posters to come for advice they feel they need. And certainly contributors to the forum have helped posters in the past and continue to do so. The OP is under no obligation to disclose any further details and if you feel you cannot offer further advice based on what has already been posted please move on to a another thread. Also, asking to be kept updated is against the forum Charter, again no OP should feel obliged to keep posters updated on any issue they are having.

HS

Apathy_Anger

Thanks for the replies,

The years were tough on and off for both I guess, no real fights between us, notjing cruel or nadty by either of us, working well as parents together and still friendly, but the physical dropped off some but was always happening, (all of this is why it was such a shock to me, there was was no one obvious event).

I should have given her more of my time and attention but she should have demanded it of me pointing out how low she was, instead of being open to some compliments and attention from another guy, until a time, either he messed it up or I was the one giving compliments and enough time to her which made her to see me as the one with the spark instead.

There is a huge backlog for marriage counselling at present so could be Sept before that happens, but its in play.

I'll keep reading here if anyone has more but probably not reply until after the counselling has finished.

Sunny Disposition

Three years is a very long time to have a really sleazy affair. I’m don’t know how you can trust someone who has the potential to be so devious.

It sounds very like you are trying to justify her behaviour tbh so it seems you still love her. Maybe the counselling route can work, but three years is a really long time to be deceiving you.

She can’t blame anyone, it was her own decision to have the affair.

Andrea B.

Not a nice situation OP.

Two things strike me.

An almost semi-validation of situation by your saying they were two very attractive individuals.

But more concerning, the lying awake in middle of night ruminating, while the individual who 100% owns the damage snores beside you.

A relationship should be making you feel better than you would feel than if you weren't in a relationship.

As other posters have said, some sort of trauma therapy is likely called for.

PaulPog

I think you're distorting reality a little bit in both threads, more pointing the finger at him being manipulative ect and her seeing his "true colours" than actually making your wife accountable. She made the choice to cheat and lie, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, for 3 long years. I'd also be surprised if it was office only, not that it really matters, the logistics of that seems uncomfortable over that long a spell.

You admittedly neglected her for few years during your hard times, this would turn most women off, they don't want to become your mother/carer while you mope about. But how someone reacts to that determines their character. A good character will seek therepy or ultimately end the relationship if progress isn't made, a bad one will cheat with little to no empathy for your feelings-thats your wife.

Also you're wrong about the amount of people having affairs or cheating. Most don't. Anyone I'd associate with doesn't. But its easy to develop a bias if you're surrounding yourself with bad characters. Of course your wifes friends does, people of poor morals associate with similar, birds of a feather ect. And maybe your friends do too, if like you they refer to their wife's as '10's' ect. All your compliments about your wife are looks based - make shallow connections and don't be surprised that you get cheated on for shallow reasons like getting injured and putting on a bit of weight. I'd be surprised if that was the only time too, especially when she's out with that friend.

I feel resentment will only grow in you now knowing what you know, which is no way to live. Can you imagine yourself on your death bed with this woman reflecting on life?(if she didn't leave when you got sick). Would you be content looking back in that scenario?

CelticRambler

Janey! Boardsies have become a right bunch of zero-tolerance Puritans.

@OP: as you wrote in the title of this thread, this happened a long time ago, and at a time when things weren't going well for you (singular). Then you say:

I should have given her more of my time and attention but she should have demanded it of me pointing out how low she was

Just look at that for a second: when you were at your lowest, and when you were ignorning her needs because of your own stuff, you're saying she should have started nagging you about not being a good enough husband? How d'you think you'd've felt if you'd had to deal with that on top of everything else?

Instead, your wife - who was obviously going through her own "stuff" - had the good sense to sort herself out in a way that (a) you never knew about at the time; (b) came to an end through your wife's decision; and (c) had absolutely no effect on your marriage … until now when your wife volunteered the information.

All these other posts about lying and cheating and (lack of) trust amount to a heap of nothing in the face of the fact that your marriage since the episode in question is better than it ever was before. If she hadn't done what she did, if she'd followed your advice and heaped a load more stress on you back then, chances are you wouldn't have stayed married for much longer.

So follow her example: acknowledge that it happened, that there were no negative consequences for either of you, and move on.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266863#Comment_122266863

Not sure what life experience lead you to frame cheating as "good sense" but its one of the most peculiar takes I've ever read.

Apathy_Anger

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266176#Comment_122266176

I'm only writing in one thread,

Try stick to commenting on the facts given and not just making stuff up so you can insert a comment on your general world view, lived experience is what I'm after, not your moral damnation.

I see your posts here as childish waffle to have a hop, have fun with that.

thefa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122266135#Comment_122266135

I picked up the semi validation of the situation too. The OP seems to consider himself to have been/continuing to be punching with this 10. Maybe a bit of a power dynamic being taken advantage of which wouldn’t work the other way. Given the sheer amount of lying that must have gone on, it’s fair to think there would be parts left out and the idea of neglect could be exaggerated in lieu of just being selfish.

I understand the posters saying to leave her and I agree for the most part but it comes down to whether the OP thinks this is something he can accept and live with in time. Can he ever fully trust her again? Probably not.

RurtBeynolds

If you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, would you want it to be with someone who you have complete faith in, or would you want it to be someone who could carry on an affair behind your back for years with seemingly no regret?

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267102#Comment_122267102

The OP justifying very serious dishonesty by his wife is worrying. I think some personal counselling may be a very good idea, because putting the blame on himself or the other party is so misplaced, it was his wife's responsibility not to cheat on him.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267045#Comment_122267045

You wrote two threads on the same subject.

You don't know the facts, just whatever version your wife decided to tell you that spares her guilt. You're taking what your wife told you as gospel like she hasn't lied to you constantly for the past ten years.

If you think their 3 year affair was solely based in the office and they never once slept in a bed together then I'm not sure what to say to you. It most likely involved yours and his marital beds and many other places. It's just a clear and obvious example of how she's still lying to you and you'll not be able to trust her again but you can continue to direct your anger in other directions.

CelticRambler

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267154#Comment_122267154

It's just a clear and obvious 

Seriously? You can be dogmatic about that on the basis of half a dozen posts from one party to the situation?

Given what the OP has said, it's far more likely that Mrs A_A was driven half demented by having to put up with him whinging about his gammy leg and his money worries and family breakdowns and even though she loved him, she just really needed a a good **** every morning so as to be able to get through a day's work and come home in the evenings to be a "good wife" and put dinner on the table for him until such time as he got himself back on an even keel.

Sometimes sex is just that: a bog-standard physical act as practised by damn near every mammal on the planet, and in a human context can also serve as a form of stress relief. For all kinds of reasons, keeping an affair such as this to the workplace makes a lot of sense; there's no justification for you to be spinning all kinds of fantasy scenarios out of it solely because you've convinced yourself that Mrs A_A must be a pathological liar.

PaulPog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122267356#Comment_122267356

Pathological is your words but if you can keep something like this hidden for so long and the web of lies that would naturally bring then you're probably not far off the mark with your diagnosis.

And you're removing all emotion out of something that probably causes more mental health issues in life than anything else, so maybe you can rationalise as two people just bumping uglies but 99.99% of people would struggle.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122264967#Comment_122264967

I agree that she should have demanded it of you regardless of what that other poster said. She should have said that she felt like the marriage was in serious trouble. I can see how you might have been difficult to live with and draining, but I think in that case you sit your partner down and say the marriage is in trouble and you're struggling and something needs to change, at least give the partner a chance to try to turn things around before doing something that you can never undo.

If you're on a wait list for marriage counselling then it might be good to stick your names down on another couple of waiting lists if you can, sometimes the counsellor wouldn't be the right fit.

Alexus25

I've been in your shoes, my partner cheated on me too. I broke up with them and they tried to apologise and apologise so I gave into my feelings and gave them another chance. It's genuinely sad what low self esteem/ low self worth and fear of the unknown will lead us to do. I also remember projecting the blame onto the person they cheated with, I was angry at my partner at the time but more angry at the one he cheated with. And I would explain or excuse bad behaviour and red flags. Yes I gave into my feelings, i invested so much time into this person, I couldn't just walk away after all that. My trust was gone and I was on edge in that relationship (who are they texting, who are they really with on a night out etc). The luckiest thing happened, I drunkenly kissed someone and told my partner straight away, they dumped me and cut off all contact. I hit rock bottom and went for counselling - made me realise I lost my self concept and that I didn't have love for myself, hence why I so desperately needed their love because I thought it was a shock someone could actually love and accept me so I better not let go of Someone 'this amazing'. Thankfully space and counselling gave me the perspective I needed. My partner tried to get back with me but instead I confronted them with everything I never said earlier in the relationship as I was afraid I would lose their 'love'. So that was us broken up for several years. We ended up dating years later, I guess I wanted to see if they changed, they hadn't, and i would never go back cause i could never trust them. I deserve so so much better and so do you, my friend just died and it made me realise life can be insanely short so enjoy and dont take life and experiences for granted. Sometimes we want to learn things the hard way

Exclamation Marc

Your wife's affair ended due to drifting apart from her work colleague, and not some unbound desire to make things right with you or a realisation that she made a mistake or what she was doing was wrong. That to me is an enormous red flag that she's fallen back to you out of circumstance rather than deciding to come back. What's stopping it happening again? Because it doesn't sound like it's you.

All folks are different but for me that says an awful lot and I couldn't live with that betrayal and lack of loyalty.

You deserve better OP, you shouldn't be in this relationship. This betrayal clearly won't leave you but you can leave it.

Apathy_Anger

There seems to be a perception from a few people I'm trying to excuse her behaviour, I thought my posts were clear.

I'm not, she cheated on me for any number of reasons, she had ample time to tell me of her problems with our marriage and how she felt about me at that time. She didn't and she alone chose her path.

For the record, I'm a 10 and while I've taken a knock, I still like me and know while life was tougher back then, I and her were not living miserable lives but just lives in reasonably stressful times, even then our lives were much better than a lot of other peoples, she moved on to someone else too quickly just because she got attention and was made to feel wanted.

I know how she feels for me now and how I felt for her until I finally learned the truth a few months ago, it is from that day on that I now have to reconsider my future, as at one point I was not her best friend (or even just a friend) whereas I always thought I was hers.

PaulPog

What is your obsession with rankings? It's very odd. But a 10 would suggest there's no room for improvement, and based on this thread you're both very very far from 10's, if taking a holistic view. Perhaps on an entirely superficial or perception scale you are, but who cares?

Have you even told any family or friends about this, or is your entire self worth and validation held up by people thinking you're this perfect couple even if the reality is it's crumbling from within?

You've a decent level of self awareness of where things went wrong but life is full of challenges and you're not always gonna be able to bring your A game, nor should you have to. What happens if you get sick or god forbid something terrible happens in the family? Are you going to bottle up all your emotions in fear of your wife will stray again?

Ultimately you can lie to the world and try maintain this instagram perfect lifestyle but your body never lies and things like those 4am thoughts you speak about won't go away until you start putting reality ahead of perception.

jeremyr62

Keep it simple. If you love her and she loves you then what's the problem? Love is hard to find, so grab it with both hands when you find it.

Exclamation Marc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122269163#Comment_122269163

This is so simplistic. Loving someone doesn't magically fix deep betrayal. I love my wife and she loves me, that's not a free pass for either of us to do what we want.

Oscar_Madison

I guess the past is the past - we can’t change that now- considering your age though, am I right in saying retirement is starting to approach or do you have another 10 years to go?
it might be worth having a think about how you would like to spend that time, and with whom? Do you see her in the distant future supporting you, doing things with you, sharing joy and happiness in retirement? Or do you see each other living seperate lives?

I’m not totally sold on the idea that someone who strayed for so long, can commit now for the rest of your natural lives. I’m sure it’s happened - in fact I know of an example - But there was always an undercurrent of bitterness there- usually came to ahead when drink was taken - my own view was this particular couple would have been happier apart.

Separation is tough and lord knows, accommodation and the price of everything is probably stopping many couples out there from formally separating right now - counselling may be good but I’d really be watching to see if she’s totally committed to seeing that through or if she’s just paying lip service to it.

Maybe a holiday away with a male friend or family member even for a week might help you gather your thoughts.

Only you know your relationship with her- how precious it was- how you interact and support each other. I’m not sure I’d forgive this - I might struggle on until I felt I could afford to separate but I’m not sure I could commit to the long term