Feel im not in his league

sabrina1979

HHello im looking for some feedback if i should walk awsy from guy ive met or give it a go.....im a 45f he is 40 met a few times have nice dates only problem is me feeling insecure around him i seen hid ex in a photo and she is stunning and much younger...when i seen her i automatically felt an old plain woman in comparison....he is very goodlooking man so i was already feeling a bit out of his league he has never f.given me a reason to feel this but did say i wore too much makeup so i reduced it i suppose im just wondering should i leave now before i get attached and hurt

FishOnABike

Believe in yourself. If you're having nice dates go with it. His ex is his ex for a reason. You and he have a mutual attraction if you're having nice dates, so you must both see something attractive in eachother.

Dtp1979

I think the MAJOR red flag here is that you’ve only been on a few dates and he’s told you that you wear too much makeup??. Sounds like he’s showing his controlling hand very early.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you think you wear too much makeup? Unless he was telling you in a very kind "you are beautiful and don't need those false lashes, heavy foundation" etc etc then it looks like he's already trying to control what you wear, how you look.

I wouldn't finish with him because he's "out of your league" but I would watch how he behaves and treats you and finish with him if he doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

Dtp1979

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122159301#Comment_122159301

I think what you’ve suggested would be an acceptable thing to say to a well established partner, not someone you’ve only met a few times.

gifted

Sounds controlling after a few times meeting.

sabrina1979

II do wear too much at times he said i look better with less makeup......another thing bothering me he talks alot about ecx wife and calls her "the slut" and how both his exs are friends on facebook and making him feel like he is bad he just told me ex wife kicked him out and is with another man this is 3 years ago.....plus i found out his closest friend is a 20 year old bi curious girl he is 40 i find that stange and he socialise with her often

RoboRat

II do wear too much at times he said i look better with less makeup - that's a compliment IMO. Personally, I wouldn't be a fan of makeup and I see some women and think, why are you wearing so much, you don't need it. I don't think that this is controlling behaviour, it's an observation and if it was said in a nice way, I would see that as him being comfortable with you.

He talks alot about ecx wife and calls her "the slut" - that's not good, perhaps get the back story. If she cheated on him and he was really hurt, I could understand, but I also feel that people say too much and some things are best left unsaid.

both his exs are friends on facebook and making him feel like he is bad - men and women can be vicious. If he was with 2 friends they could be ganging up and being nasty… or he could have been horrible to them and deserves the criticism.

his closest friend is a 20 year old bi curious girl he is 40 i find that stange and he socialise with her often - Has he indicated that he has feelings for her… does she have feelings for him? Men and women can be friends - I have many women friends and I have no desire to sleep with them. Some are in their 20's and I'm in my 40's. We just have shared interests. They're not my closest friends as they've been my friends since my teenage years. I agree it's odd that his closest friend is so much younger, and female. Perhaps there is a reason for this - Is he foreign and this friend is from his home country? Do they share a mutual interest? My advice would be to find out more.

Regarding your original post about feeling out of his league. Perhaps he was a bit of a player and wants to settle down now. Maybe being with younger attractive women is not what he wants anymore - as you get older, your wants and needs change a lot. Younger women may want to have kids and he may not.

I met my wife in my late 20's and some of her friends warned her off because they thought I was a player. I wasn't, I just hadn't met the right woman and we're together 20 years now, and those friends have completely done a U-turn. I hold no grudge; I respect them because in their own way, they were looking out for my wife. What I love most about my wife is that she doesn't pretend to be anyone. She is naturally beautiful but never felt the need to chase attention. She was very comfortable with herself and that was very attractive.

If you're wary, play it slow and see how it pans out. I think everyone deserves a chance but it's up to you :-)

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122159915#Comment_122159915

Red flags all over him. I would definitely walk away.

sabrina1979

HHe is forigen yes tgis bi girl another stunner she even minds his son on occasion his ex wife was 17 he was 28 when met so maybe its youger he attracts just makes me feel wtf he want in me

marilynrr

Well that's another red flag there that the ex was 17 😷

How often does he see his son?

drury..

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122159247#Comment_122159247

Not a good sign

The thin end of the wedge i reckon

YellowLead

You’re not out of his league.
But is he out of yours??? You’ve only met him a few times. Do you know what he’s looking for? Is he interested in pursuing a relationship with you? Is he a good person? Are you compatible? That’s what you should be asking yourself.

Wezz

His attitude towards his ex is the major alarm bell for me here. Even if she did treat him badly, there is something off about a man referring to another woman as a slut to someone he barely knows. You are not his therapist and he should not be using dates to off load his anger/frustration/sadness/whatever about the breakdown of his relationship. The make up thing is possibly controlling/possibly a compliment - hard to know without context but the comment on his ex is a worry.

Dial Hard

The make-up comment on its own would raise my eyebrow, tbh, but as others have said, context is everything, so *maybe * I'd just about be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one if it was the only item of concern. However, that in conjunction with the history of much younger friends/exes and the language he's using to refer to other women would be enough for me to be giving him the "Thanks but no thanks" speech.

May I ask if you're a little bit inexperienced in relationships, OP?

Hannibal_Smith

The most concerning thing is how in your opening post, you describe all the ways you feel out of his league. Not once had it occurred to you that your red flags about him might be grounds for calling it a day.

It sounds like way too much of a head wreck. You've only had a couple of dates and in such a short length of time you've learned of all this history that's already causing you worry. The way he speaks about the ex should be the biggest red flag you have, I think. Much more than whether he's out of your league because of his looks.

sabrina1979

SSees son ever single weekend

sabrina1979

HHe sees hos spn every fridsy to mondsy it suits his ex him to have every weekend

sabrina1979

HHe tells me he wants no drama r labels but but does treat me nice like buys me chocolates n flowers every time we meet im looking for casual also but id like to be committed eventually

sabrina1979

IIm not inexperienced but am always treated badly in relationship as im very self conscious and feel im not enough for anyone attractive

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122161418#Comment_122161418

He’s causing drama by saying things like he doesn’t want drama or labels only a couple of dates in.

Buying you gifts isn’t a sign of a good person - there’s nothing wrong with it but plenty of men do that to keep a woman sweet, lure them in.

What does you are looking for casual but want to be committed eventually mean? As in you want to be casual with this guy now but then commit to him later or just casual with him and committed to somebody in years to come?

The_Dark_Lord

Move on. It sounds like you're just dazzled by his looks.

drury..

The comment about the makeup is either arrogance or controlling

Either way he's not a keeper

JoChervil

OP, do you see him during weekends? How did you see pics of his ex and his friend?

If you feel so bad about your looks why do you go after attractive men? BTW he might be from an attractive nation, so he might be average in his own country. And he might be ugly inside…

Goodigal

This should be the getting to know each other phase. Not listening to him calling his ex a slut. Nor asking you to tone down your make up.

No matter how attractive you think he is, those things make him very unattractive in my eyes. Let him away to his complicated life! You don't need someone like that in yours OP.

sabrina1979

HHe showed me pics of ex and his 20 year old friend......the ex and him only communicate via email but yes id c him for 2 r 3 hours at weekend.....he did say he has no experience with women or how to behave in company of one.....and what i mean by casual is i want to date and be with just that person but with no full on presdure to meet every weekend kind of thing....he is croatian and 6 foot 4 so in his country he is average looks.....and i didnt go for him he mailed me forst on dating app ant txt loads first 2 weeks then it slowed down to me kinda iniating texts but if i suggest meeting he says yes and doesnt back out but its me making the plans

Dial Hard

He doesn't want drama but he's telling you all about his "slut" ex, showing you photos of her, bitching about her relationship with his other ex (if I'm reading that right) and basically behaving like a massive dose. Right.

This guy is a melt. Wish him well, move on, and maybe do a little bit of work on your self esteem so you can spot these chancers early doors from now on. He sounds like he's in his 20s, not a 40-year-old father.

Big Bag of Chips

He has no experience of women? Yet has at least 2 exes and a son?

Not sure about this one OP. There's too much that is making you uncomfortable and uneasy. I'd say goodbye and wait for something more comfortable for you.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122161418#Comment_122161418

Red flag bunting all over him now!

Men who say they don't want drama constantly cause the drama, they just don't want to be called out on it.

orangerhyme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058352301/feel-im-not-in-his-league

Just enjoy yourself.

If it doesn't work out, you'll find someone else. Heartbreak won't kill you. You'll bounce back in a couple of months.

Nothing to fear.

JoChervil

If OP was enjoying it, she wouldn't open this thread.

OP, you feel uncomfortable in this relationship. Your needs are not met. You wouldn't be asking here, if they were. He is using his look, his exes' look and even your own look to put you in an insecure position to get what he wants without any demands from your side. Just save yourself a headache and leave this situation. Your relation won't improve. Quite opposite. He will do less and less, while making you more and more insecure, while you will do more and more to keep it going. Losing the remains of your self esteem on the way.

You are not experienced in relationships. Your only experience is in bad relationships and it seems the beginning of another one..

rowantree18

Comments on make up etc and derogatory names for his ex partner - red flags. Run.

extra-ordinary_

You sound out of practice OP and are dazzled by this guy's good looks. Look a bit deeper, he's a mess and most likely a player with a string of failed relationships behind and all around him. He's playing you now. "Not much experience with women"?…ahh…the poor lamb…lol

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122162320#Comment_122162320

Disagree.

If there's this many red flags so early on then she should run fast.

It doesn't take long for some people to catch feelings and feelings can make people stupid and stay in relationships that are toxic.

Wezz

OP with the greatest of respect, I feel you are making a huge mistake here. You have mentioned a few things now that are concerning - the makeup comment, the references to his "slut" ex, showing you photos of his ex and other women, the love bombing with gifts…..

You stated you have very little experience of being treated well in relationships and feel almost grateful that a good looking guy has chosen you. That immediately puts you on the backfoot in terms of this being a level playing field. What's standing out to me is the negative way you talk about yourself, your self esteem is so low you are probably going to always find yourself in relationships where you put your needs second to your partner, where you excuse bad behaviour and where you ultimately end up getting hurt again.

I think you should listen to the sound advice here, end things with this man and give yourself a break from the apps, focus on building your self esteem up a bit before trying again.

Idbatterim

A key question, have you slept together. If yes and he is still around, it sounds like a headmelt amy way. If no, dont be surprised if he dies a hit it and run or just wants to keeo it casual BUT from the sounds of it, I think you may fall for him and not get what you want out of it..

sabrina1979

NNo i havent slept with him but everytime we mert he talks alot abot his ex and how he hates her because she left him for another man.......i think everyone is right im not excited seeing him anymore only axious and worried if i sleep with him he be gone anyway so todsy ill end this

Jafin

Hi OP,

I'm late to the party it seems but I agree with what most people have been telling you. He does not sound like a good man whatsoever and I hope you have ended it. He would only hurt you in the long run, there is no good outcome for any kind of relationship with this man. Hope you're doing alright.

sabrina1979

TThank u everone yes when i told him how i felthe wasent showing much interest he said sorry u feel that way i understand ur looking for more and then that was it.....it was me texting first me arranging dates etc there was no excitement from him at all and left me feeling terrible after r dates id cry once home knowing something on his part was off almost like he wasnt interested i know he has alot going om eith his ex etc but i feel i should be his distraction and for him to forget his worries but i felt i was just in the way

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122191233#Comment_122191233

Well done for calling it now and ending things. And make sure you don’t engage if he comes looking again next time he is bored, fool me once etc.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122191233#Comment_122191233

He doesn't have 'a lot going on with his ex' so don't use that as as an explanation for him.

He went through a break up (who hasn't?) and it was 3 years ago.

All that's 'going on' there is there is that he has unresolved anger and it doesn't sound like he's over her. If he hasn't learned to deal with that and process that in a healthy way then he shouldn't be dating. For someone who doesn't want drama he sure seems to hold onto it and not seem able to let go doesn't he? Sounds like the access for his child is sorted, they only communicate over email, so the only thing going on with his ex is his feelings and the drama he's creating by bitching about her all the time.

Why would you even want to be used as a distraction when he has all those feelings towards his ex? As soon as the distraction is over he goes back to thinking about her again.

In future if you cry after dates then don't keep dating that man.

Well done for ending it! And I agree with @YellowLead don't engage if he gets back in touch with you (personally I'd block). He's not going to be over this ex and all of his drama in a week or a month or even a year I would imagine.