He said it's too early for love after 5 months of dating - what gives?

bvc456

Have to let it out of my system. Been dating a guy (at least that's what I thought..) from an app for around 5 months. Initially everything was good, he was showing consistent interest and we went out often. He was always texting me a lot, wanted to talk on the phone a lot, initiated dates and hangouts. Didn't immediately pressure me for sex. It seemed perfect. We had similar interests and passions, like an ideal match and he was different from any other guys I ever met. Then we started hanging out more at his place, had sex (it was the first time for me). He introduced me to his friends and at some point asked for a relationship, I agreed. He told me he uninstalled tinder and that he'd never felt so good with anyone before. From that point on I was sure we had the boyfriend and girlfriend status.

 

However, over the course of time he started being disrespectful and sometimes a bit mean - trying to subtly put me down so that I wouldn't be 'better' than him in some areas. Of course I ignored the red flags.. He mentioned being open to a 3some early on but after I told him I hate it he never mentioned the topic again and apologized. What started to annoy me the most was that very often he had trips with his friends and wouldn't take me with him, making some excuses. It felt like I wasn't a priority. Then he mentioned he wants to travel to a small town by the seaside with his friends in the summer for 2 weeks and they'll go to a club. He said he'd been travelling there for 5 years. I got pissed as I wanted to be included, especially after he mentioned clubbing and drinking which is a good occasion to cheat. Also, leaving me, his gf for 2 weeks? A no no for me. We began arguing a lot, mostly because I started.

 

Everything shattered a few days ago when I texted him that he'd ignored my text for 2 days about in which town he was going to play a concert. He claimed he didn't notice my message and was very busy with work. Then I went on about how he doesn't treat me like a priority and constantly travels without me, ignored my text etc. I asked why he even needs a girlfriend if he treats me like this. I added he should compromise and take me with him for that holiday or just not go. He disagreed and said we're not together, that I'm not his girlfriend but we're 'dating' and we're not officially a couple since we haven't had that talk and because I don't trust him at all. Umm.. he had asked to be in a relationship with me first so what is this nonsense? I thought everything was official and clear. He said he felt I was controlling him and he doesn't like it, and that I always have pretences & don't care about him. He told me we were not close enough to be bf/gf because we didn't see each other/call/text enough and said he felt uncomfortable that I treat this relationship as if we're already a boyfriend and girlfriend. He added a girlfriend wouldn't constantly start fights & would ask if he was okay instead, but then he said something horrible that destroyed me. After I said I felt he doesn't love me he replied it's too early for him to love yet & he needs time.

That's where I ended the chat because this is just so cruel. After around five months of dating where he himself asked to be in a 'relationship' he tells me it's too early for him to love and that we're not together but we're 'dating'? What the?? Did he really mean it or was he just very mad? I'm completely devastated so just need some words of sympathy right now.. He's been acting like a boyfriend all the way until a few days ago when I started that fight so I was sure we were in a relationship.. I just can't comprehend how he could say all of this after so much time spent together and I'm shocked.

Tork

Just to clarify. Are you still together?

bvc456

Honestly I don't know because I just left him on read, but I got so upset that I unfriended him. We haven't said anything to each other for the last two days.

Akrasia

It sounds like you're both very young and it also sounds like your BF thinks this is a casual relationship while you think this is a committed long term deal.

One of you wants to keep options open, right now, it's not you, but it is him. You need to decide if you're interested in this kind of relationship. If you think he's stringing you along, you should end it. If you think this is a good chance for you to also 'play the field' then keep it going if you think it's worth it but things can get very complicated.

Purple Mountain

Going on holidays with his mates shouldn't automatically include you, girlfriend or not. People go away without their OH all the time, it's healthy.

However, all the other back and forth bickering is very immature and do you really want to hitch your wagon to that kind of drama?

I'd cut my losses and go now.

YellowLead

It’s sounds like you are very young and both of you are probably inexperienced / and also want different things / don’t communicate very clearly. Use this as a lesson.

I think it’s fair he goes on holidays with friends. If you don’t trust him then don’t date him. My son is 20 and very loved up with his gf of 3 years but still goes away with his friends and she with hers and then they also go away together.

It does seem unfair if he said the word relationship to you and asked you to be in one, then said you weren’t his girlfriend- that’s inconsistent. But you probably freaked him out by starting a fight and telling him he can’t go on holidays without you, after only 5 months of dating.

There probably is no saving this - as another poster said he sees this as more casual than you do.
Dating is hard. Use each failed relationship to learn from and don’t get too invested too soon. You’re young, there’ll be others - chin up and tie straight now.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122147435#Comment_122147435

I have to ask, OP - are you Irish? Your approach to the whole thing sounds really similar to the way certain colleagues of mine would view dating and let's just say it's not how it would generally be done here.

Having said that, if it's not working for you, it's not working for you. If your needs aren't being met then you're well within your rights to end this and move on to someone who can give you what you need. What I will say is that this all seems * very * intense for a 5 month relationship. You barely know eachother. Why do you feel you need to do everything together???

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122147532#Comment_122147532

Not Irish. It's not like I wanted every single of his trips with me together. A male-only or male dominated trip for a few days is fine but two weeks and a club is just too much for me and in my mind he should've understood why and taken it into account but he didn't.

Tork

I think he's hoping you'll take the hint and break up with him. Even if the two of you were on the same page, it doesn't sound like a relationship you should be staying in. He doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone loves you.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122147550#Comment_122147550

I think you're being a little unreasonable. If your relationship was as great as you say, why do you immediately assume he'll cheat? This is a long standing annual holiday with his friends. They've been doing it for 5 years. Why should he stop now? And to insist you be allowed go is a bit out of order.

He's probably not replying because he's angry, or maybe it's all a bit intense and he needs a breather. Maybe the intense texting and phoning was some sort of initial love bombing and he's attempting to wreck your head now.

No one here can really answer that for you. But after cooling down for a day or so, has he really given you reason to be so angry about the holiday?

Big Bag of Chips

It's only been 5 months. He has been going away with this group for 5 years. You have no right to invite yourself into the middle of this group. Most young people go to clubbing places on holidays.

You also have no right to tell him he can't go. The reality is this relationship is unlikely last the distance. It's very unlikely you'll still be together in 5 years time, so he should not drop his friends and their arrangement to please someone who will possibly not be around by the time next year's holiday come around.

It is ok for you to feel there are things about this lad that don't sit right for you. You seem to have jumped to loving him, yet if you stand back there's a lot you're unsure of. That's ok. But he is who he fundamentally is and you have no right to come in trying to change that. If this is not working out for you then you can walk away. What you shouldn't do is demand that he changes his plans because you don't think he should do it anymore.

SharkMX

Sounds just like every young love relationship ever.

OP you will have lots more of these relationships. you will learn that people even in a relationship need space, including yourself.

Eventually it will just happen. Nobody will be jealous if the other sees their friends, nobody will be in any doubts if you are in a relationship and nobody will be in any doubts as to if you love each other. And neither will worry when the other goes away with their friends.

witchgirl26

Yeah OP realisitically it would be a red flag for me if a partner of 5 months was trying to dictate holidays with friends I could or couldn't take when I'd been doing them for 5 years at that point. I've been with my partner for years & we've done loads of holidays together but also a lot apart. We have different interests so it makes sense. I never once assumed him going with friends would mean he would cheat. It's trust.

In regards being cruel because he said it's too early for him to love - that's being honest. Some people fall in love quickly & that's grand, it works for them. Others it takes a bit more time. I would think it would be more worrying to be exchanging I love yous too quickly.

You're putting a lot of pressure on this relationship very early on with asking to go on friend trips etc. I think you need to ease off a little bit because from what you've written, it sounds like he is feeling pressurised and not happy.

Jafin

Honestly I don't think this relationship is going to last and he think he has realised that too and might be trying to make you break up with him. The way you're acting is very clingy and verging on controlling. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now and it's completely normal for us to take trips away alone (we also do them together too). It sounds like you want to be with him 24/7. People in relationships need to have a life outside of each other, and you need to realise this. I'm not saying this is all on you, he has of course also acted disrespectfully.

I get that this is presumably your first relationship. Let it be a learning experience for you. Learn what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not willing to tolerate. Don't stay with someone who is disrespectful to you just because you don't want to be alone, but at the same you have to allow your potential partner to have a life outside of you without getting jealous or demanding to be included.

pjdarcy

If the other guys are bringing their girlfriends on the holiday and he's not bringing you then you have every right to be upset. However, if it's a lads only holiday then he should be able to go without you OP (just as you would expect to be able to go on a girls only holiday if you wished). You could always plan a holiday for just the two of you later in the year.

Ezeoul

Cut your losses and find someone else. Don't invest any more time in him.

If after 5 months, he still thinks it's that casual, then it's unlikely he will ever see it as anything more than that.

Was exclusivity ever mentioned? It's possible he has been seeing others as well, and the likelihood is, if he did meet someone on this holiday, he would feel free to hook up with them because (according to him) you're not "boyfriend and girlfriend".

In other words, he'll keep you dangling on a thread, until he finds and actually falls for someone else.

Let him off.

Get Real

"I added he should compromise and take me with him for that holiday or just not go"

That's not a compromise OP, that's pretty controlling of you yourself imo and then, after you said this it seemed he cooled off.

Usually, if someone was doing something for 5 years (and been friends with these people possibly a lot longer) and you got together 5 months ago, I'd imagine the thing to do would be to respect the other person's life.

You're not respecting a relationship by making demands. You're also never going to build one that way.

Look at it this way-in terms of a relationship over many years or even decades, 5 months is still only the foundation stage. This is where you build a solid foundation for love, compatibility and suitability ahead.

You do things together. But do your things, they do theirs too. It's healthy. Then you closely knit together over time. Who's to say next year he wouldn't have brought you?

But, 5 months in you basically said "I'm here now, I'm coming with you or drop your friends"

You can't force your way into years old healthy friendships and personal dynamics like that.

Stephen_Maturin

Reckon you’ve probably spooked him with you attempting insert yourself into a long-standing trip he has with his friends, not your place to do that…and saying he’s going to a club so he might cheat? You need to get over your own insecurities if you’re ever going to build trust in a relationship

Think you need to step back and reevaluate things - it’s been 5 months, reconsider telling him what to do

SharkMX

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122148732#Comment_122148732

I would agree with this. Everything in the OP points to crowding him out and he probably got spooked. And then trying to go with his friends on holiday they probably all discussed this and he has been advised to think about if he wants to continue a relationship with someone who is already trying to control him and getting jealous of him spending time with his friends.

He is probably already pondering if this can go any further and if you keep pushing someone in that situation there is no coming back. Give him space.

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122148671#Comment_122148671

So if I feel uncomfortable because these are my needs and wants, is that wrong of me? Stop pretending that a drinking and clubbing situation on vacation is not tempting. I know that there should be trust but honestly, there would be no way to check what he'd really be doing there. "What happens in X, stays in X", that's what comes to mind.

Moreover, his comments about us dating but not being together, and it being too early for love are ridiculous in my opinion. I don't want to be in a loveless relationship. I don't want to jump through hoops just to be told I am loved. I don't want to wait around for someone for him to decide that he finally loves me or doesn't yet because I deserve love at this point, and to be someone's girlfriend officially.

Gary_dunne

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

The two of you are "together" a very short amount of time, you're more than entitled to tell him how you feel but I think you're over reacting majorly to a lad wanting to go away on his annual trip with his friends. I'd be more surprised if a group of lads going away said "No we won't be drinking or going to clubs" that sounds a lot more suspicious than young lads going away for a good time.

You both seem to have very different idea's of how a relationship should be, no offence intended here but yours seems to be very stereotypical movie love, you get together fall deeply in love and are happy just the two of you forever. That's not reality, it's why movies never show you past the final kiss, people don't want to see the reality of couples arguing about how the other stacks the dishwasher.

I get that you're disappointed that you were told that you were in a relationship and now he's saying your not, that's bad on his part. It's clear that you want different things. Enjoy being young and learn from whatever this 5 months was.

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122148644#Comment_122148644

Well, he said he wouldn't cheat on me so I understood that as being exclusive. Then he said we're dating but not together because of not being close enough, and that we're not official..

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

I think you will find it hard to find a man at your age (or any really) who will give up holidays with friends and commit to I love you after a few months.

Obviously if it’s a relationship you are looking for, you do want to check if the exclusivity is present and if the guy can’t commit to that and that’s what you want then move on. But if he commits to being exclusive and you can’t trust him and need I love you in order to continue, then you’re just in different places etc.

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149156#Comment_122149156

Then why was he sleeping with me and doing all the intimate stuff if he cannot say he loves me yet? Never too early for that. It reeks of just being someone's sexual toy.

Gary_dunne

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149262#Comment_122149262

You said yourself that he didn't pressure or rush you into sex. Intimacy and sex are part of relationships and especially more casual ones, you don't need to be in love for that. I don't think people having a one night stand are in love

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149141#Comment_122149141

I definitely think asking you for a relationship and saying he wouldn't cheat on you was sending mixed messages.

I think this relationship has run its course, OP, and I agree with those who think he wants you to break it off, because he wants out, but doesn't want to do it himself.

Best of luck with the next one.

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149276#Comment_122149276

At some point later he started continuously inviting me over to spend the night and if I said I couldn't have sex because I was tired or anything else he was clearly a bit disappointed.

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Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149302#Comment_122149302

That could equally apply to a friends with benefits scenario

Gary_dunne

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149302#Comment_122149302

You're both young and in the start of a relationship that sounds fairly normal to be honest.

SharkMX

OP you are coming across as a bit needy after only 5 months and no young man, or woman, want that. Its a sure sign for someone to move on if a partner starts acting like you are.

You either trust him or you dont. And asking him to say things just because it makes you feel good to hear them is not good for either of you. This guy has seen the real you and is now planning his exit while trying not to hurt you. Its only been 5 months and you are getting all weird. How do you think it makes him feel. He may have felt like he was in love with you before but you are now pushing him away.

Bogroll2003

You seem to want very different things at the moment. It’s ok for him and for you, and doesn’t make either needy or whatever . But will cause issues.

A lads holiday is boozy and full of clubs. No girl would be grand with her bf doing it, unless they want girly holidays without their fella coming ( and I presume you don’t, you want a holiday with this guy, which is fair enough). See, for it to be ok it should run both ways.

Whatever label he or you attach to this, you know it’s not working for you. That’s all you need to know to make a decision.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149262#Comment_122149262

Most people these days don’t need to be in love to sleep with somebody. If that is a prerequisite for you for intimacy, then you need to make that very clear going forward and hold off until that is established. You will find it tough to find people with the same outlook, but I am sure they exist.

Ezeoul

OP, please don't be disheartened by the negative comments towards you here.

I think it's very harsh that you are being made out to be the problem.

If he wanted friends with benefits, or no strings attached, he should have said so.

Instead, he asked you for a relationship first, not the other way around. He sent mixed messages.

Your confusion as to where you stood, is on him.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

No, your needs and wants are not wrong. But bear in mind, equally, neither are his. If they aren't in sync that's when there's an issue, which is where you are.

No matter the relationship, there are going to be times when one goes off on holidays with mates. Whether it be a week or two, or a weekend. In fairness in more long term relationships heading off on a two week holiday with friends becomes more unlikely. But you're going to have to come to terms with it at some stage whether in this relationship or another.

Saying there'd be no way to check and writing it off as he'll definitely be with some one else is huge. You can't keep tabs on him. Either you trust him or you don't.

You're right, you don't have to jump through hoops either to prove to him you should be his girlfriend. But 5 months in is still learning about each other and about finding out whether there's a relationship there or not. If being in a relationship means that other parts of his life have to change too, maybe that's why he's holding off on confirming anything.

If you feel you're on two different wave lengths, that's exactly what the early stages are for - ie figuring that out and deciding if you're a fit with each other.

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Bogroll2003

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149731#Comment_122149731

I agree. His early actions and words aren’t matching his present behaviour. It was all sweetness and honey now he’s being stand-off ish.

He’s a confused future faker, or probably had his fun now wants to move on because his holidays are coming.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149857#Comment_122149857

He asked her for a relationship, then told her they were not boyfriend and girlfriend. That was misleading of him, and confusing for the OP who is clearly not experienced in relationships.

I never commented on the holiday aspect of the OPs post, I'd need to know if the other people are going in couples first, but ultimately, its probably better for them both that it came up sooner, rather than later, as the OP now knows where she stands.

To quote Barbie at best she is his “long-term, long-distance, low-commitment casual girlfriend.”

Anyway, before the mods step in, PI/RI is not for discussion, it's for advising the OP, and I don't think she is as controlling as she is being made out to be, is justified in feeling hurt, and should not invest any more of her time in him.

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marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

Sometimes needs and wants are wrong. If you need or want someone to not do certain things because you think there's a chance they might cheat then that can be controlling.

Of course there are social norms for this kind of stuff and some behaviour of course should and tends to be adapted or stopped when someone gets into a relationship….not sending flirty messages to other girls for example, but going on holiday isn't something that needs to stop in a relationship.

It would be one thing if you were living together with kids and he wanted to head on holidays for 2 weeks leaving all the responsibility to you, in those cases discussions need to be had and it wouldn't be controlling to have an issue with it, but in a relationship that's relatively new when you're both young expecting him not to go on holiday with his friends just in case he cheats is an unhealthy need/want.

As for you saying to him that you don't think he loves you, it's kind of an odd thing to say if you hadn't said 'I love you' to each other. Do you love him? And if so had you said it to him?

He's totally wrong however if he asked you to be in a relationship and now he's trying to make out you made up the relationship in your head, that's gaslighting. Yes it's possible he got spooked but he should end the relationship if he doesn't want to be in one or discuss things maturely, not make out you got it all wrong and you were never in a relationship.

bvc456

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122150830#Comment_122150830

I haven't told him I loved him but at this point if he asked I would have said yes. Actually it was more like 'imo if one loves his girlfriend he would take her with him' and then he said it.

HazeDoll

OP, I don't think he has behaved particularly well, allowing you to form the impression that this was a committed exclusive relationship and then telling you he doesn't see it that way.

However, nobody can change his feelings or his behaviour and he didn't come to boards.ie looking for advice so you'll need to focus your thinking on yourself.

Do you think there's a pattern to any of this? Looking at your other threads it seems you might have a habit of getting very emotionally involved very early on.

To me it looks like you might be on the lookout for your one true love and you allow yourself to build a lot of hope and expectation with very little evidence that the other person sees things the same way. This will always lead to disappointment as no human being will ever be able to live up to the dream of perfect romance.

As regards this specific relationship, you've told us the facts and they tell a clear story. He doesn't consider himself to have a girlfriend. He doesn't feel about you the way you feel about him. You have very different expectations of things like holidays with friends. He might be a great guy but he's probably not for you.

Let this one go. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it failed. Learn from it and move on.

Kurooi

Maybe he likes it too casual for your liking, but a lot of your behavior is wrong, and it's also sending red flags. Controlling, possessive, entitled, jealous.

You won't have luck with your future relationships either with that mindset. It doesn't make you a bad person - you just have to learn to give yourself and your partner some breathing room, and push away intrusive thoughts. This isn't attractive, it's not something people fall in love with, it's not a situation any sane person stick around for.

marilynrr

Never accept a demotion in a relationship. You don't go from a relationship, girlfriend and boyfriend to just 'dating'.

Loads of relationships run their course after 4 or 5 months and it sounds like this is over and has been going wrong for some time, you said he could be disrespectful and a bit mean and would try to put you down, you don't feel prioritised when he's with his mates, you've then been arguing a lot because you don't think it's ok for him to go on a 2 week holiday without you and you're worried he could cheat, he then ignored your text for 2 days, then came the demotion, and he's made it clear he's not that serious about you and his feelings aren't that strong and now you've unfriended him.

Relationships are supposed to be fun!! When it stops being fun this early on that means you shouldn't be together.

I am curious if you felt loved and secure in a relationship would you still think your boyfriend shouldn't go on holidays or night clubs without you because if so then you really need to work on those issues before you date again.

Idle Passerby

My interpretation of this scenario is that he was genuinely into you and it was going well but you started to become dictatorial and obviously didnt trust him so he's started to have second thoughts. Lots of people would find 5 months in too soon for "I love yous". Your still just getting to know each other at that point. Issuing ultimatums about what they can do with their friends would make plenty of people re-think a new relationship.

Backtracking on whether or not your official is immature on his part but my take is that he liked you but he's going off you and either hasn't the guts to just end it or is still debating in his head whether he wants to. But I think its over in any case. You're not suited.

SharkMX

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122154189#Comment_122154189

Agreed. I think hes a young person looking for an exit now but trying not to hurt the other half and fumbling a bit instead of just pulling off the plaster. Quite common when you are young.

osarusan

You've come at this relationship with a lot of preconceived ideas about how he should feel, how he should behave, what he should want/not want to do, and are very nagatively interpreting his failure to live up to thise ideas.

Perhaps these are related to norms in your culture. Perhaps this is heightened because this is your first sexual relationship.

Apart from asking for a relationship and then saying you're not in one/not official,, I'm not sure has has done a huge amount wrong, and I can see why he'd be put off by somebody looking to (from his perspective) control him to a certain degree.

Doctorwhoshate

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122149083#Comment_122149083

You're right there is no way to check, so best to move on as clearly this relationship is not going to work. For either of you

Katgurl

This relationship is over OP. Am I correct that you're not Irish but he is? If yes, I would massively alter your expectations around your relationship getting priority over friendship circles or not get involved with anymore Irish men.

Assuming you'd be included in a guy's social tradition is a social faux pas, sorry.

His behaviour after this is immature and nasty; in truth I think he is gaslighting you.

I would step well away now and have no contact. In this scenario you are running after him looking for things he doesn't want to give you - he will instinctively run away.

For whatever reason he's clearly lost interest - the unanswered text is proof of that - there's nothing to be gained from trying to make him see your point of view.