Overheard Wife

Mikey70

I overheard my wife telling her friend on the phone how she is actively courting and flirting with work colleagues. She also said that she is giving our relationship to the end of the summer and disclosed details about counseling we have had recently.

I feel betrayed and my trust is gone. She has threatened me with all sorts of things over the last few years including divorce. She also secretly recorded a fight we had and threatens me repeatedly to send it to friends and family.

We had counseling and were making progress but nothing I did was ever good enough.

I love her and we have two lovely kids. I don’t want to destroy our family but am I been stupid. Should I protect myself and make my own way out. If I say anything to her she will accuse me of spying on her and threaten me further. She is not a good mother and does little or nothing with the kids. She suffers from depression but more and more I think it’s just when she is here.

Has anyone any advice?

thanks

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058351719/overheard-wife

You are basically up **** creek

There's not a whole pile you can do to save it, but only you know if that's true

Hopefully you can survive financially

That is the key

The only good outcome is saving the marriage, do it at all costs, all other paths are bad ones

Ubbquittious

What is her beef with the relationship? What is she hoping will change?

Hannibal_Smith

It's not unusual that married couples might confide in friends. That said it's pretty bad form to disclose personal details and certainly personal details that have come up in the safety of counselling.

What happened in the fight that she would be inclined to share it?

I think if you've gone to counselling and things are still this bad between you, it's absolutely time to be considering what kind of a relationship you're trying to save.

pgj2015

She sounds like a nightmare, I know you say you love her but I think you will look back on this after a few months of leaving her and be glad she isn't in your life anymore. not sure why others have advised you to save the marriage. I wouldn't be surprised that she told her friend details of the counselling, women tell their friends everything.

drury..

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122139592#Comment_122139592

That wrong anyhow

Saving a bad marriage isn't a good path

jj880

Maybe she is acting the big balls on the phone to her friend and didn't mean it.

If you think she was serious and the marriage is doomed at the end of the Summer then the only positive is at least you know. Protect yourself every way you can think of so she doesn't clear out bank accounts etc.

Vicxas

The recording of the fight and threatening you with it seems like a massive red flag to me, very controlling.

notAMember

Recorded a fight… meaning a physical fight?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058351719/overheard-wife

If my partner did that, I'd be the first to ditch them rather than wait to be ditched later.

Beta Ray Bill

Recording a fight is unusual.

Threats are not good either, no one should be threatening another in a Marriage.

You mentioned you kids, do you think your kids would be happier with the two of you fighting in an unhappy marriage or split up/divorced?

I felt terrible 6 years abo when my relationship ended, (My kid was 2 back then) but looking back on it, it was the best thing that could have happened.

Gamergurll

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122139592#Comment_122139592

It's so sad that the easiest road and social norm is to stick through a bad marriage but the other roads are too 'difficult'

Ted222

It sounds like a desperately unhappy situation. For everyone, including the kids.

Maybe you’d be better off trying to split as amicably as possible. It’s not easy, particularly financially, but it reads like you’ve got no choice.

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140066#Comment_122140066

Nothing to do with social norms or easiest road

Just reality

Still loves wife, there's nothing easy about saving a marriage, especially as described

It's what the best solution is

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122139820#Comment_122139820

Of course it is

Plenty have done it

Padre_Pio

I don't know how you feel about her emotionally, and whether you're interested in continuing the marriage.

You say she suffers from depression and does not help with the children. I would contact a solicitor and see if there is something you can do to maintain custody should the relationship break down. Also find out if you can financially protect yourself.

Then I would work to save what you have, for as long as your children need a stable home.

Protect your children, then protect yourself. Keep a cool head and the moral high ground.

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140366#Comment_122140366

He still loves her and is in couples counselling

It's safe to say he is interested

From a financial point if view, a pactical one and a legal one the best he will get is joint custody

Mikey70

Thank you all for the comments. It’s somewhat comforting to even hear others opinions as I don’t confide in anyone, I have kept everything private. I left the house last night for a few hours and cleared the head. She is been ultra nice to me now as I think she knows I heard her. But I have this deep sense of betrayal. I know ending the marriage would be horrible and I have no faith in any amicable separation however I do feel like a fool when her friends know about all the things I thought were private between us are public. Maybe that’s just my own ego and I need to look at the bigger picture.

i feel she has no respect whatsoever and every days she says something **** to me. It’s only when I withdraw and harden does she treat me with any decency. The whole situation is eroding my confidence at all levels. However i would gladly take any pain to prevent my children being from a broken home.

Andrea B.

The recording of a fight is very calculated.

A possible reason (covering the tell-friends one she told you) is "good" legal advice she has received, so as to get a barring order in place.

yagan

Was it a fight, or an argument?

An argument can sound bad, but if there's no threat of physical violence then she has nothing.

Men generally (and I mean this a generality) are brought up to feel that it's wrong to make a woman upset, and some women take advantage of that by making a man feel that they are being an abuser by not letting a woman get their way in every circumstance.

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140740#Comment_122140740

that is not true at all, the threshold is very low for a safety order, a recording isn't even needed

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140694#Comment_122140694

it does sound like its retrievable

if she is willing to give it 4 months, then its not over yet

only you can know if its worth saving

yagan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140754#Comment_122140754

"honey, for the last time, we can't afford those shoes. Don't you have enough?"

I doubt that's grounds for calling the garda, although in Japan in recent decades they started having problems with adults ringing emergency services when they had an argument with their partners and want someone to side with them, in an argument!

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140829#Comment_122140829

that's a clear case of financially controlling someone right there

the bar is set very low, because of generations of abuse

if he is worried about the recording, there is something there

you do not even need recordings

yagan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140886#Comment_122140886

I'm asking if he thinks he's been manipulated into thinking he's always in the wrong.

In the example I gave when the electricity goes because the shoes were bought instead of the lecky bill paid it would be hard say the one who warned about the cost was the manipulator.

Sunny Disposition

It's a very tough situation. It sounds like she has checked out and wants to break up. If that is the case you just need to look after your own interests and your children. I'd advise talking to a solicitor.

Also what was said in the argument that was recorded and how was it said? How would you feel if it was distributed to others?

monkeybutter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140912#Comment_122140912

you forgot to put in the part about the leccy not being paid though

He would know what was in the recording

look people have arguments all the time, they can get nasty, it can be both ways, in court its your word against theres

yagan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140955#Comment_122140955

Isn't threatening to use a recorded argument manipulation?

She doesn't need an excuse to end the marriage.

I have a feeling the OP will have a better quality of life after a divorce.

Hannibal_Smith

@yagan and @monkeybutter as per the Charter please offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread, rather than continuing the back and forth between yourselves.

HS

Ted222

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140694#Comment_122140694

The kids welfare is primary but are they necessarily better off in the current environment? That’s the ultimate question if you would be otherwise happy to split.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140694#Comment_122140694

They are already in a broken home, that horse has bolted.

She has been telling people privately that the relationship is done, and thats only the conversation you heard, its won't have been the only conversation she had.

Absolutely everything you have described, the phone call, the recording of a fight, the flirting with other men, they are the actions of a woman who knows its over and is getting her ducks in a row now. Come the end she is going to take you to the cleaners while you will still be crying about love.

spaceHopper

Recording a fight, that's bad but also that ship has sailed, if it's so bad she should have left, others will see right through it. They'll say she engineered the fight so she could record it. They'll see her as cruel.

Start to build your own life even it a healthy relationship you should have your own interests. It will do you good. I'd get counseling for yourself alone too.

How old are the kids? Which is worse, two homes with happier parents or one home with miserable parents. What kind of message are you sending them, if they see you unhappy and been mistreated but staying?

Don't confront her on your own. If you decide to do it, do it in a counseling session. I'd start out by saying, you over heard her talking on the phone, she was careless, it's not your fault you weren't snooping.
You don't like what you head and you'd like an explanation, who's the guy in work, what's going on. < say nothing else let her talk >. Next, what did she mean she's giving it to the summer?

hello2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122140694#Comment_122140694

This appears to be somewhat Narcissistic behavior as they behave well when you withdraw .. please read about NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder ) and you may find some clues about how to deal with this behavior..

may be you can learn to live with NPD but other thing you mentioned about co worker is deal breaker.

Goodigal

Sounds like you're in a no win position. I wouldn't wait around for her to start flirting with men, or whatever she's threatened to do. Tell her you heard the conversation and you need to discuss this further in counselling. Don't be left waiting for another person to come into your marriage.

I can tell you love her, but her treatment of you and your kids has me questioning why. But we've all stayed too long in situations that aren't good for us so no judgement from me. You need to look after yourself OP, there are tough times ahead if you decide you aren't staying with this woman.

Also it's not a bad thing to confide in a trusted friend yourself.

Necro

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122141203#Comment_122141203

Yeah, I personally think the OP should be getting legal advice of his own even if it's just advice on how to protect himself. It appears there's already a plan in place from his wife to leave so absolutely no harm in being informed. The advice doesn't need to be acted on of course unless necessary.

yourdeadwright

If i was you i'd be gone,

Whatever you guys argue about or find difficult is one thing but saying to friends she flirting with someone in work & giving you x amount of time before leaving over the line for me,

She has no respect for you at all,

Cut the cord & leave her

Table3849

Hi OP,

I'll start by saying I'm not a psychologist, but have done a lot of looking into Cluster B personality disorders (NPD/BPD.) The behaviours youre describing - holding the relationship hostage, threatening divorce, devaluing and disrespecting and the lack of accountability as a parent all sound like hallmarks of some form of Cluster B. Even recording your fight and emotionally blackmailling you with it is a common sign. The truth is if she was having that conversation with her friend about looking for other male attention while you were in the house, she knew you could possibly hear it and didnt care. I suspect in general that when things are good, theyre good and when theyre bad theyre terrible.

The only thing I could say to you would be to have a look into Cluster B in relationships and see if any of it resonates. If it does, then you should harden yourself emotionally and protect any and all assets you have. There is no bottom to a Cluster Bs cruelty in separation and theres nothing you or anyone else can do to change that. Its vital at this time to protect your own self esteem before it gets chipped away.

Ezeoul

She also said that she is giving our relationship to the end of the summer and disclosed details about counseling we have had recently.

I'm sorry OP, but it sounds to me like she is spending the next few months stringing you along while making her exit plan. Someone who is serious about trying to save their marriage, doesn't flirt with other men.

Do not agree to any sudden big household expenses or refurbishement projects, or take out any loans. Keep a close eye on the finances.

My advice would be start making about your own exit plan.

Benthere

First things first decide whether or not you want to save the marriage.

Secondly - how old are your kids?

If you decide you want out don't leave the house until a settlement is in place.

Generally men move out. You can ask for joint custody.

However housing is an issue out there. Would you be able to get a two bed near by.

The other option is confront her and see where that leads.

cj maxx

I think she has already checked out of the marriage , for whatever reason . First thing is seek legal advice . Write down all the times she has not been a good mother/wife . Secure your bank accounts especially any joint account

NeutralHandle

If she is as aggressive as you make her sound, then expect your kids to be on the receiving end of that in your absence.