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Overheard Wife

  • 14-05-2024 11:59pm
    Registered Users Posts: 3

    I overheard my wife telling her friend on the phone how she is actively courting and flirting with work colleagues. She also said that she is giving our relationship to the end of the summer and disclosed details about counseling we have had recently.

    I feel betrayed and my trust is gone. She has threatened me with all sorts of things over the last few years including divorce. She also secretly recorded a fight we had and threatens me repeatedly to send it to friends and family.

    We had counseling and were making progress but nothing I did was ever good enough.

    I love her and we have two lovely kids. I don’t want to destroy our family but am I been stupid. Should I protect myself and make my own way out. If I say anything to her she will accuse me of spying on her and threaten me further. She is not a good mother and does little or nothing with the kids. She suffers from depression but more and more I think it’s just when she is here.

    Has anyone any advice?




  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    You are basically up **** creek

    There's not a whole pile you can do to save it, but only you know if that's true

    Hopefully you can survive financially

    That is the key

    The only good outcome is saving the marriage, do it at all costs, all other paths are bad ones

    Post edited by monkeybutter on

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,194 ✭✭✭Ubbquittious

    What is her beef with the relationship? What is she hoping will change?

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,989 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    It's not unusual that married couples might confide in friends. That said it's pretty bad form to disclose personal details and certainly personal details that have come up in the safety of counselling.

    What happened in the fight that she would be inclined to share it?

    I think if you've gone to counselling and things are still this bad between you, it's absolutely time to be considering what kind of a relationship you're trying to save.

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,992 ✭✭✭pgj2015

    She sounds like a nightmare, I know you say you love her but I think you will look back on this after a few months of leaving her and be glad she isn't in your life anymore. not sure why others have advised you to save the marriage. I wouldn't be surprised that she told her friend details of the counselling, women tell their friends everything.

  • Registered Users Posts: 472 ✭✭drury..

    That wrong anyhow

    Saving a bad marriage isn't a good path

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,423 ✭✭✭jj880

    Maybe she is acting the big balls on the phone to her friend and didn't mean it.

    If you think she was serious and the marriage is doomed at the end of the Summer then the only positive is at least you know. Protect yourself every way you can think of so she doesn't clear out bank accounts etc.

  • Registered Users Posts: 15,290 ✭✭✭✭Vicxas

    The recording of the fight and threatening you with it seems like a massive red flag to me, very controlling.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,648 ✭✭✭notAMember

    Recorded a fight… meaning a physical fight?

  • Registered Users Posts: 705 ✭✭✭concerned_tenant

    If my partner did that, I'd be the first to ditch them rather than wait to be ditched later.

    Those who are deep will strive for clarity, while those who wish to appear deep strive for obscurity and seek to muddy their waters, for everything seems deep to ‘the many’ if only they can’t see the bottom - and they hate going into the water themselves.

    — Friedrich Nietzsche

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,578 ✭✭✭Beta Ray Bill

    Recording a fight is unusual.

    Threats are not good either, no one should be threatening another in a Marriage.

    You mentioned you kids, do you think your kids would be happier with the two of you fighting in an unhappy marriage or split up/divorced?

    I felt terrible 6 years abo when my relationship ended, (My kid was 2 back then) but looking back on it, it was the best thing that could have happened.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 279 ✭✭Gamergurll

    It's so sad that the easiest road and social norm is to stick through a bad marriage but the other roads are too 'difficult'

  • Registered Users Posts: 222 ✭✭Ted222

    It sounds like a desperately unhappy situation. For everyone, including the kids.

    Maybe you’d be better off trying to split as amicably as possible. It’s not easy, particularly financially, but it reads like you’ve got no choice.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    Nothing to do with social norms or easiest road

    Just reality

    Still loves wife, there's nothing easy about saving a marriage, especially as described

    It's what the best solution is

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,992 ✭✭✭Padre_Pio

    I don't know how you feel about her emotionally, and whether you're interested in continuing the marriage.

    You say she suffers from depression and does not help with the children. I would contact a solicitor and see if there is something you can do to maintain custody should the relationship break down. Also find out if you can financially protect yourself.

    Then I would work to save what you have, for as long as your children need a stable home.

    Protect your children, then protect yourself. Keep a cool head and the moral high ground.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    He still loves her and is in couples counselling

    It's safe to say he is interested

    From a financial point if view, a pactical one and a legal one the best he will get is joint custody

  • Registered Users Posts: 3 Mikey70

    Thank you all for the comments. It’s somewhat comforting to even hear others opinions as I don’t confide in anyone, I have kept everything private. I left the house last night for a few hours and cleared the head. She is been ultra nice to me now as I think she knows I heard her. But I have this deep sense of betrayal. I know ending the marriage would be horrible and I have no faith in any amicable separation however I do feel like a fool when her friends know about all the things I thought were private between us are public. Maybe that’s just my own ego and I need to look at the bigger picture.

    i feel she has no respect whatsoever and every days she says something **** to me. It’s only when I withdraw and harden does she treat me with any decency. The whole situation is eroding my confidence at all levels. However i would gladly take any pain to prevent my children being from a broken home.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,921 ✭✭✭Andrea B.

    The recording of a fight is very calculated.

    A possible reason (covering the tell-friends one she told you) is "good" legal advice she has received, so as to get a barring order in place.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,754 ✭✭✭yagan

    Was it a fight, or an argument?

    An argument can sound bad, but if there's no threat of physical violence then she has nothing.

    Men generally (and I mean this a generality) are brought up to feel that it's wrong to make a woman upset, and some women take advantage of that by making a man feel that they are being an abuser by not letting a woman get their way in every circumstance.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    that is not true at all, the threshold is very low for a safety order, a recording isn't even needed

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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    it does sound like its retrievable

    if she is willing to give it 4 months, then its not over yet

    only you can know if its worth saving

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,754 ✭✭✭yagan

    "honey, for the last time, we can't afford those shoes. Don't you have enough?"

    I doubt that's grounds for calling the garda, although in Japan in recent decades they started having problems with adults ringing emergency services when they had an argument with their partners and want someone to side with them, in an argument!

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    that's a clear case of financially controlling someone right there

    the bar is set very low, because of generations of abuse

    if he is worried about the recording, there is something there

    you do not even need recordings

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,754 ✭✭✭yagan

    I'm asking if he thinks he's been manipulated into thinking he's always in the wrong.

    In the example I gave when the electricity goes because the shoes were bought instead of the lecky bill paid it would be hard say the one who warned about the cost was the manipulator.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,727 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition

    It's a very tough situation. It sounds like she has checked out and wants to break up. If that is the case you just need to look after your own interests and your children. I'd advise talking to a solicitor.

    Also what was said in the argument that was recorded and how was it said? How would you feel if it was distributed to others?

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,500 ✭✭✭monkeybutter

    you forgot to put in the part about the leccy not being paid though

    He would know what was in the recording

    look people have arguments all the time, they can get nasty, it can be both ways, in court its your word against theres

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,754 ✭✭✭yagan

    Isn't threatening to use a recorded argument manipulation?

    She doesn't need an excuse to end the marriage.

    I have a feeling the OP will have a better quality of life after a divorce.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,989 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    @yagan and @monkeybutter as per the Charter please offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread, rather than continuing the back and forth between yourselves.


  • Registered Users Posts: 222 ✭✭Ted222

    The kids welfare is primary but are they necessarily better off in the current environment? That’s the ultimate question if you would be otherwise happy to split.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,257 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck

    They are already in a broken home, that horse has bolted.

    She has been telling people privately that the relationship is done, and thats only the conversation you heard, its won't have been the only conversation she had.

    Absolutely everything you have described, the phone call, the recording of a fight, the flirting with other men, they are the actions of a woman who knows its over and is getting her ducks in a row now. Come the end she is going to take you to the cleaners while you will still be crying about love.