Advice, im hurt emotionally

Myshel

So was in a relationship for few years, broke up because of reasons that were fitting at the time, nothing bad. We both still loved each other but grown up life, children etc. We cant live together because of this.

Got back together after 6 months because we found a way around the issues. We spoke about our time apart, if we were on dating sites or went on dates etc. So all laid out.

I joined a social media site, and took me a while to figure it out. I asked him to add me on this app so i could send him things i liked. He didnt. So the other day it offered me to add my contacts. I did, my boyfriend came up. He is following loads of people, fitness, travelling, half nakeds, bloggers etc. Thats all fine. But is also following 2 women, whos names i have never heard out of his mouth. They are normal women like myself. He has women friends, still in contact with some exes, thats not a problem.

I need to ask him who these women are, its eating me up. Im hurt because he didnt want to add me but adding these other women, now he could have added them a year ago, but i never heard of them before. Im an overthinker so have ran this through my brain a thousand times, different outcomes etc. I dont know how to go about this without looking like a crazy girlfriend. Any advise please?

Xterminator

hi op.

at first glance it appears you are self sabotaging here. You don't have any reason (that you disclosed) to suspect he is doing anything wrong at all.

Your own personal insecurities appear to have your head wrecked to the point you need say "I need to ask him who these women are" . Yet anyone on social media that is not under some form of coercive control will have members of both sex followed and it stands to reason you wont know who they are nor when they met and what level of friendship exists. Especially seeing as you had quite a bit of time apart.

His not adding you to his social media seems to be justified if this is your default reaction to snooping on his profile. Where is the trust? if there is none why not and why are you together with him? Snooping was your 1st mistake. Its not normal to need a pertners approval for his social media feed and friends.

I think that if you handled a discussion with tact and expressed yourself well, without making him feel like you don't trust him, or are snooping on him., then as a couple you might strengthen the bonds and the trust. Because you should be able to express what's going on, and communicate together.

But i also think that if you handled it wrong it could come across as accusatory, untrusting and highlight the negatives in your relationship. The apparent lack of trust and what i suspect are your personal demons/emotional baggage.

I advise you don't make a second mistake here and make things worse. Let him know if you are feeling without coming across as blaming or accusing. if you need some reassurance let him know that too. and stay away from snooping. it will only feed your insecurities. The old saying is "Comparison is the thief of joy" applies here. Allow him his social media, private if that's what he wants. Give him a little space.

TLDR : Trust him or don't be with him.

Myshel

Thank you for your reply. I totally understand everything you said.

In hindsight now i probably shouldn't have looked but it was freely available🙈. At the start i didnt like the fact he was in contact with exes, unless there is a need to ie. Kids etc. Because i personally don't need to see my exes lives, its the past.

I am straight up and I fear these are women he met when we were apart, who he didnt tell me about so thats a lie to my face.

Just to add, he never interacts with anything i ever post on other sites and also wont let me put up a picture of us. So this is where the massive doubts come from. He says he doesnt want to be on social media. But has every social media account available.

Yes i have insecurities, and all these little things alone are nothing.. But when i add them together it makes me worry.

SharkMX

I would never answer those questions to a partner. I would always lie and say none if they asked how many people i slept with when we were apart, if in that situation.

Its like someone saying does this outfit suit me? There is an answer they want, so just give them that answer. No matter how much they say to be honest, its a mistake to be.

OP, your partner os protecting you from yourself by not giving you info that would only gnaw at you.

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245386#Comment_121245386

Ha ha yes i suppose thats true too. But if you had been with someone briefly, would you add them on social media? If you did, would you remove them if you got back with your partner?

TheadoreT

I don't really understand your reasoning for the original breakup. Committed couples don't do that lightly and you kind of make it sound oddly irrelevant. And getting together again rarely works for numerous reasons.

I'd run a mile from you tbh. I too don't like putting myself out there on social media but will have the odd scroll on twitter or Instagram, so him having them isn't a big red flag that he's hiding something. You sound waaay too insecure for a relationship right now and would be better served being single and getting therepy to work on yourself. Best of luck.

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Mod Warning. Breach of forum charter.

YellowLead

OP you don’t trust him. I don’t know what could bring about that trust. I don’t know what has caused this distrust - was there cheating in the past?

As another poster said - either trust him or leave him. You’ll always be at this and never feel secure.

Maybe try having a heart to heart with him and explain all your fears without being accusatory and see what comes out of that

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245427#Comment_121245427

Delete your social media, its a cancer and adds nothing to people's lives but stress like this.

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245436#Comment_121245436

Our circumstances are not the norm. We can not live together because of children, so it got stressful for us both not being to spend much time together on top of family issues at the time. We didnt do it lightly but i didnt see the sense of explaining every fine detail in the post.

There is absolutely no need to attack me like that. I asked advice not to be told im insecure and you would run away from me.

I feel you are hurt yourself so i wont take it personally. Best of luck.

SharkMX

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245427#Comment_121245427

I have all sorts of people i barely met on my social media. I also have people im curious what they are doing no on it. Most people do.

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245162#Comment_121245162

I need to thank you again for this post. Sometimes i do overthink a lot. I know this man, i love him and i do trust him. Definitely self sabotaging and im glad i posted because you really knocked some sense into me. Im as subtle as a baby elephant so i know the conversation would go all wrong as you said. 🙈

Xterminator

At the start i didnt like the fact he was in contact with exes, unless there is a need to ie. Kids etc. Because i personally don't need to see my exes lives, its the past. you may not like it, but did you agree with him that he would have no contact with exes? If not then thats a conversation you need to have. I can understand your position. However its not clear that you are both in agreement.

I am straight up and I fear these are women he met when we were apart, who he didnt tell me about so thats a lie to my face. If so have you any reason other than your feelings to believe he is? You say its a lie but your statement makes it appear to be the opposite. you say you 'fear' so thats not evidence based it feeling based, yes?

if he agrees explicitly to not have contact with exes, and then he does that's a breach of trust. But it requires him to be in agreement, and it requires you to have evidence that he is in contact with exes. Suspicion is not evidence.

if you consider following & not unfriending these exes on social media to be required then you need him to agree to that too. Personally i find that controlling behavior. Borderline red flag behavior. But that's just me- other people think differently.

Being connected on social media with friends you don't know is not the same thing. People who you only suspect he may have been with when he was single. To require him to disconnect from everyone you don't know or approve of is absolutely coercive and controlling behavior. If i were advising a friend in those circumstance i would tell them to run a mile.

my advice at the end of my 1st post still stands. Trust him, or end it with him.

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245446#Comment_121245446

I dont think hes cheating. I do trust him in that sense. I think its more that i asked him to add me and its just so i could send the things i see and like easier, than sending on whatsapp. And he didn't and then i see he befriended other women i dont know. Thats what hurt and gave me doubt i suppose.

RurtBeynolds

Just to add, he never interacts with anything i ever post on other sites and also wont let me put up a picture of us. So this is where the massive doubts come from. He says he doesnt want to be on social media. But has every social media account available.

This is a massive red flag tbh.

witchgirl26

OP a few things stood out to me. So I follow individuals on social media who are just random but it's more they don't have verified accounts or are involved in an area I'm interested it or, actually in the case of a few, were members of the same gym at lockdown so we all followed each other to motivate each other. I don't think I've ever discussed who I follow on social media with my other half or vice versa.

Second thing is, just because he has social media, doesn't mean he posts things. I have a tiktok. I have literally 1 video but have followed loads & look at it everyday, I'd also comment a little on it but not necessarily put up anything. I'm passively engaged with it & it could be a very similar thing with him.

The others are right, if something as small as not knowing who exactly these 2 women on social media are to him is sending you this level of insecure, then you need to reassess things a bit.

As for removing people from social media - I still have people from college in my phone & I graduated 15 years ago. I'd say it's the same with a lot of people with social media. You just move on & don't really put the effort into tidying up who you follow.

Myshel

All true.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245619#Comment_121245619

I told him i didn't like nor understand why he would still have contact? He said he would be staying in contact. That it wasnt constant just check ins every so often. We were looking through pics of our holiday one day and messages popped up from one of them. Its not just one, its a few. So i suppose that is a bugbear of mine.

I only suspect he was with them when he was single because i never heard of them. I would know others names, but these 2 are new.

And while i accept the old old exes, i feel this is a step too far.

You cant stay friends with absolutely everyone you met.

Myshel

Thank you, yes i understand that. I probably have the same myself on my own ones.

I asked him to add me to this media. He didnt. I assume he doesnt realise his account is open and viewable. I saw the women. If he had added me, i would think nothing of it, because he hasn't, its made me wonder.

YellowLead

Has this been an issue for you guys in the past? As in have you questioned his social media activity? If so they might be why he said no.

Or could it be that you have different interests and you sending things you like to him (cat videos, clothes or whatever) might be annoying for him and he didn’t want to get all that.

Did he give a reason at the time for not adding you? Did you ask him in person, or just send a friend request via social media?

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245951#Comment_121245951

No never any issue with social media. I am an open book, i do post things on mine as a lot of family friends abroad. And it looks like im single and travel alone as no pics with him. Which hurts also.

Ha he still gets them on whatsapp, but we both would find same things interesting. He would send me things also.

Never gave a reason, just shook his head. 2 different occasions i mentioned it.

YellowLead

And you didn’t ask - why not? It sounds like you need better communication between you. If that was me, I would have said ‘how come?’

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121246065#Comment_121246065

It was in middle of conversation and id say oh im not your friend on that, add me? And he would shake head and carry on. And then id be interested in conversation or be too shocked to ask why😂

Esho

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121245436#Comment_121245436

Wow that is harsh on what was posted.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121246218#Comment_121246218

It’s not much of a relationship if you can’t talk to him. It’s more like wanting it to be a relationship. Just be brave and start speaking your truth, in a logical manner

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121246313#Comment_121246313

Another poster said the same thing.

Life is so much easier and fulfilling having a confident and secure partner rather than one who makes mountains out of molehills due to their uncontrolled insecurites. These things start small and manifest into more and more controlling behaviours.

Spiralling out of control about 2 random followers on social media simply isn't the actions of a healthy mind, hence the advice to seek therapy.

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121246360#Comment_121246360

We are together a while, besides the few months. There is no controlling behaviour, he goes away to new york, vegas, spain every couple of months with friends, and every few weeks to see family. I go with my friends. If i was controlling would that happen? 🤔

The only one spiralling out of control here is you.

I asked how could i approach the fact that he refused to add me to a media and yet added 2 women, 2 women i never heard of. That is it.

I am hurt by it.

YellowLead

I would suggest you just ask him why he doesn't want to add you, and leave the other women out of it.

Do these unknown (to you) women share some common interest of his, people very often follow because they agree on an aspect of politics, or have had an interest in common. Very often there is little or no real personal connection involved. Sometimes they could be friends of friends. I got friend requests from friends of friends (eg girls in same school as original Facebook friend, and who seemed very nice & interesting people, and turned out to have common interest), online circles can form this way. In fact I know somebody who is friends with half the world but will never have her beloved husband feature on it, as she doesn’t believe he necessarily wants to be flaunted all over the place.

Myshel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121246703#Comment_121246703

I get where you are coming from and im not sure if theres common interests. He follows them, but has no followers

Seth Brundle

I'm on FB but hate the place and only keep my account because I keep an eye on a few metal bands - other than that it's a toxic piece of sh1t that seems to make people feel worse about themselves. Anyhow, I'm also FB friends with a load of people, male and female, who friended me through a club I used to help out with (at the time I felt obliged to accept their request).

My OH recently joined FB and has her own interests on it. Neither of us have had a need to friend the other.

However, whether or not she has looked at my account (which has almost no content), she trusts me and if for whatever reason asked me to explain these female friends, I've nothing to hide. However, I'd be more concerned at her sudden lack of trust in me were she to ask.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121246910#Comment_121246910

So he has no followers? Sounds like me on certain things where I follow people but don't post anything so no one really follows me back. And that's ok by me lol.

Honestly OP I think the poster who mentioned they could be friends of friends is maybe onto something. I have friends of my sister connected to me on Facebook. I rarely bother looking at anything & they all added me after her 30th when we were all celebrating. That happens a lot with people. You're focusing so much on these 2 women that you don't know. Would you be as concerned if they were men? If the answer is no, then the issue is trust. You don't trust that your boyfriend was honest with you when he told you who he'd been with while you were broken up. The only way to resolve this is to have an actual conversation with him (not getting angry just talking) about who these women are, that you feel hurt that he won't connect with you on social media & that you'd like to be able to put 1 or 2 pictures of your life together up. But you have to be prepared that he may not want that. My best friend flat refuses to have pictures of herself up online, so to the social media world, it doesn't look like we're friends at all. Some people just don't want their image shared or want to be fully in control of it themselves. And that is a choice you have to respect.

Idle Passerby

I wonder if your insecurity about the unknown social media connections is actually your alarm bells ringing about some much bigger issues in the relationship. I'd be very wary of someone who does not want to acknowledge they are in a relationship. Theres a line between being private about your personal life and attempting to present it inaccurately. Banning you from sharing your holiday photos to the point people assume your both single, that's quite hurtful. I'd wonder if he's actually quite content to have a semi secret girlfriend few people are aware of that he can't make any commitment to because of "issues." He might not be cheating but he might prefer people to think he's available.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121253994#Comment_121253994

This. When people are *that* adamant about never appearing together on social media, it's usually because they want it to look like they're single, for whatever reason. To me that's the red flag in this situation, not two random women he's following.

I don't understand why you are fixated on these two "unknown" women? Surely you don't know every single one of your partner's friends. I'm with my partner over 10 years now and I can without a doubt say I don't know the names of all his friends both male and female, or everyone he follows on social media. I do think there are some deeper issues here and maybe talking to a therapist will help you understand why you are hyper fixating on such a minute detail?

Big Bag of Chips

You seem to post a lot and he doesn't seem to post at all. That's why he doesn't want you connecting with him.and tagging him in everything!

My husband is very private. He has a few different accounts and very occasionally posts but much prefers having a snoop at others' pages! He has set his settings so that he has to approve tags. So I might tag him in something and if he doesn't want others to see it he won't approve the tag. If he does (one of our kids doing something delightful!) he will allow that tag and take the praise from others liking and commenting!

He has "friends" both male and female that I have never heard of. Work colleagues, distant cousins, spouses of distant cousins etc. You are insecure and focusing on these 2 women who could be anyone. But it's because of something much bigger in your relationship.

Are you actually happy in your relationship as it is currently? Do you see yourself happy to continue in your relationship as it is currently? If not then you need to do something about it. Either discuss it (the relationship, not these 2 women) with him, or accept it's not what you want and make the decision to move on.