Marriage and parenting

boymamax4

N/a

Str8outtaWuhan

Sounds like he is giving you a break from the kids constant annoying "mammy can I have a .....".

Princess Calla

@Big Bag of Chips

@Hanni

@Hannibal_Smith

@Hilda

Jesus these tags are a pita.

Can you please move this to PI

Apologies to the 2 posters that got tagged unnecessarily.

taxAHcruel

I would say the way we personally have dealt with such issues is that we communicate with each other about such rules and limits when the kids are not around. And then we communicate those rules and limits clearly and consistently to the kids when we implement them.

As such we generally never have the situation you describe where we are being constantly asked "Mammy can we have/do <X> right now" like this ice cream after dinner thing. They already know the answer. So they do not bother to ask the questions.

The fact that they are asking you this and you are sometimes saying yes and sometimes saying no - and then daddy is stepping in to overrule you or similar - suggests there is not enough consistency in you as a family implementing the decisions you have made on these subjects. There might therefore be more to your partner being "Silently angry" than him not being in control in that moment. The Silent Anger might be coming also from this failure in consistency and boundaries such that there is this constant battle each day about their consumption and activities. If decisions are made as a couple but then one side or the other goes against those later - this can leave them frustrated or not listened to or feeling dismissed or ignored.

It can also leave children unsure about where the rules and boundaries even are. And I have seen kids in that situation who will ask for things they do not even particularly want in that moment. But they just constantly ask anyway on the off chance that today will be the day you give in and say yes. And their constant asking - and you constantly having to say no - is exhausting for all involved. You can have a dog that never comes near the dinner table for years - but it only takes one or two times giving them a scrap from the table before you suddenly notice they are sitting there staring at you and drooling every single time you sit down to eat. Because they realize quite quickly then - that there is always that little chance so they should always try just in case. And training that out of them is a hell of a lot harder than training it into them.

As with so many answers I give on these topics therefore the first step here seems to be communication communication communication. You need to communicate away from the kids that you want to discuss clear and concise and above all consistent rules and boundaries. And what any exceptions to those rules and boundaries might be and look like. And then implement them as a couple and a united front. And show some empathy and understanding here too. Acknowledge without judgement that you have noticed that if those boundaries are crossed in the moment that he gets frustrated and silently angry. But mention also the mirror of this which is that when consistency is not followed and you have to make a decision "in the moment" that his reactions and attitudes to this leave you feeling dis-empowered and ineffectual as a parent too. Worse - it can leave you feel like you are just another individual in the house that he is parenting.

Communicate on which issues you want consistent and clear rules on in the house. Communicate on what those rules are. And then implement them consistently and clearly with the children.

Big Bag of Chips

@boymamax4 confirm your email address and I'll be able to move this to the Relationship Issues forum for you.

boymamax4

Thanks for your advice@bigbagofchips