Defamation on Facebook group

jos_kel

I’m a member of a Facebook group that supports parents caring for children with ####

Previously over the years when I’ve been very emotional and stressed I’ve reached out to the group explaining the challenging Behavior of my child towards me and my wife.

Lots of the members are really nice and empathetic but I’ve noticed a few in particular have become vocal and initially seemed to be implying that I was the problem and casting doubts on my parenting.

An admin, a few years, in the group told me to ignore them, saying they were a bit sensitive and had #### themselves.

To be honest, I was happy that she was supporting me but thought her remark was giving ####’ a bad name.

Anyway, this lady was a real support to me when I was trying to research schools for my Son. I even chatted to her on the phone and she seemed really nice.

Things had been going quite good recently with my Son and the family in general.

However, last Thursday my Son started back into School and smashed his school iPAD which cost a lot of money.

I was very upset and used some tactics I learned on parental courses to remove myself from the situation.

I hadn’t posted on the Facebook group for 18 months, mostly because of the 2 or 3 people making negative comments about me.

But I reached out saying what happened, how I felt, what could I do etc.

Again, lots of people were nice and had empathy.

But a lot the previous people were saying they recognised me from before and that “here he is back on running down his Son”

Others followed up with “I feel so sorry for his child. I hope he is OK”

And more of this stuff was being said.

What disappointed me most was the Admin from a few years previously joined in saying that they saw the pattern of post that I made always being negative towards my Son.

There are lots of Positive things about my Son but why would I be looking for help for them.

I feel the moderators/admins abdicated their duty of care to me as a member to ensure respect was upheld.

I was being judged by people who I didn’t know or didn’t know me.

Anyway, that night I couldn’t sleep and it’s been tough this last couple of nights trying to rationalise all this.

The admin even PM’d me at 11.09PM when I was in bed saying

“It’s amazing Posting anonymously and people can still see your narcissistic streak. Your poor Son. I feel so sorry for him”

No one deserves to be judged like that. How is that a support group. I am an excellent Dad and Husband. I know that and my family know that.

The only conclusion I could come to is that I need to not accept this treatment.

Eventhough I’ve posted anonymously most of the time, I did post with my real profile at the very start which I regret.

Even a few years ago, that same admin told me to delete old posts and make pictures of my Son private because those other members could be trolling me.

I reported this latest incident to ####’ Ireland but they said they can’t get involved as they don’t own the group.

I feel my only option is to bring a defamation case against the group.

In truth an apology would suffice as I would prefer to spend the time supporting my Son.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for the long post.

Gusser09

Whats ####?

What makes you think anyone is defaming you?

road_high

my advice- log off social media completely and stop looking for the opinions/validation of complete strangers. The only relationships that matter are that of your son with the schools and you as his parents

28064212

https://www.irishstatutebook.ie/eli/2009/act/31/enacted/en/print.html

Read the above. You don't appear to have an understanding of what defamation is, or what's involved in a case. For a start, you can't bring a defamation case against a Facebook group.

After you've read the above (and still want to proceed), prepare a rough outline of what you think your case would be and who you would be taking it against, and then take it to a professional. Do not look for legal advice from anonymous forum users. Defamation is a civil action, it is an expensive and complicated area of law.

The best course of action is most likely going to be what @road_high posted

Based on everything you've just said, you have not been defamed.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062023#Comment_121062023

This is an important question though, what is ####? (I don't want or expect you to disclose)

When you're in court many things are taken into count.

You won't get a proper reply until you seek proper legal counsel.

Someone being a dickhead is not defamatory.

.Donegal.

Delete Facebook and move on

Annasopra

You would have to sue individuals

corsav6

Stay off social media and talk to an actual human face to face. It's awful easy to cast judgement when all you see is text and not the person behind it.

Going by your post above you seem to take these little things too seriously. Honestly them members on Facebook will forget you and move on to another individual when they get the chance. Use your energy instead to spend time with your son and do fun stuff. Be his friend not just his dad. Let him know that he can trust you when he needs help himself.

I'm not saying you don't do that anyway. But more time with him and less time on social media will certainly be no harm.

Best of luck and hopefully all works out for you and your family.

sydthebeat

I'm going to assume #### is autism?

Maybe people used that Facebook group as a general chat group where they posted positive negative and banal things about parenthood.... But you used it as a "help" tool to solve problem mainly regarding your son.

Can you then see how your online persona might look very negative and overbearingly blaming your son?

You didn't post in 18 months, so are we to assume that things were generally good in that period? Was there any reason you didn't post the good stuff? or offer advise to someone else in that group?

I'm not trying to be harsh here, I'm just giving you a glimpse of the possible reality that people in the group viewed.

I have a son that has autism, we went through some very difficult periods before he was diagnosed, so I can very very easily relate to the feeling you get when you describe problems with your son, that you almost have to preface all of it with "he's a good boy really, but these are the problems". I'll never forget filling out the questionnaire before he was diagnosed and having to say to the psychologist "this reads like he's a terrible child but he's not at all" and she said that that is almost every parents response in this situation.

My advise is to leave that group. Everyone's experience is not the same and we all know that the spectrum is very wide. Talk to your GP. They may able to open avenues of help for both you and your son

jos_kel

Thanks All for taking the time to respond.

####, is ADHD in this case and yes in general my Son is great and I love him to bits. I would have thought a support group could be a place to ‘vent’ when things aren’t so good.

From previous posts I’m concluding that

1. The moderators/admins of this group does not have a duty of care to members that respect is upheld and there is no judgement.
2. Initially years ago I did not take some members judging of me seriously but I was very hurt last Thursday, especially when the Admin who told me to ignore them join in.
3. Do I not have any recourse here? If it’s not defamatory to accuse someone of running down their Son and ‘hoping that he’s OK’ then what is it. Particularly when the moderator sends me a message directly outside of the group calling me Narcissistic. If it was me sending the message I would expect a backlash.
4. Just as a final point what hurts me most is that my Son have such great fun playing snooker, going to the Aviva for matches etc. It seems strange that when I reach out for Support that this happens and as a citizen there is no law to protect me.
5. An unreserved apology from the moderator/admin sent in the group could tidy this up as I do plan to move on, leave the group and take the lessons learned. Some people are just mean. Having said that most people were kind and nice.

z80CPU

Walk away from it OP. For your own peace of mind. Delete your online profile.

Damien360

Social media is poison. Delete Facebook, Instagram, tiktok and everything else in between. It will mess with your time and your mind. Too many people are willing to write what they wouldn't dare say to someone's face.

If you are looking for informed/balanced opinion, social media is probably the worst resource you can use, particularly anonymous posting sites. You will no doubt get some who will give you the answers you are looking for, you are also likely to get extreme views, even nutters replying to your queries. There is often a pile on mentality, boards is no exception. So if you don’t like the answers, change the source.

AndrewJRenko

When you post "anonymously" to a FB group, the admins can see who actually posted, which is a reasonable approach;

People are going to have different opinions on any situation, on FB or here on boards. If you're not up to hearing different opinions, you're probably better off not posting, as others have suggested.

jos_kel

I’m going to take other people’s suggestions to take myself off the group and move on.

However, let me clarify, I’m open to other people’s opinion but not when I’m disrespected. Moderators have a duty of care to ensure respect is upheld.

The fact that a moderator messaged me directly at night insulting me must mean it’s open season and there is no law to protect me.

Maybe such a law will come in the future, but for my peace of mind I’m taking my medicine and moving in.

28064212

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062772#Comment_121062772

Moderators have a duty of care to ensure respect is upheld

They don't

gormdubhgorm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062772#Comment_121062772

You seem to want a specific law to stop random strangers on the internet even slightly hurting your feelings. Society is not like that.

And the internet is a microcosm of society. But the problem is what you describe is not defamation at all and as other posters have said it is clear you don't understand what it means.

A law that is invented to stop peoples 'feelings being hurt' in an online forum would be bad law, as it is subjective to each individual. Impossible to legislate for and virtually impossible to enforce. You need only look at the boards.ie dispute resolution to see how varied this can be. You just seem very thin skinned to be honest, that is the impression I get.

I also don't understand why you refuse to type the word ADHD as if it is a bad word or something to be ashamed of.

Anyway Look after yourself and your son. Maybe meeting up with parents for a coffee or arranging controlled play dates for your son might be more beneficial? Moving away from the online stuff itself.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062772#Comment_121062772

How does defamation work if the message between the moderator and you was private?

jos_kel

I’m not thin skinned and moving on now

Jim2007

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062772#Comment_121062772

You need to stop the legaleses because you don't understand it. Moderators do not have any duty of care towards you nor do most people you interact with on a daily basis.

jos_kel

Fine I’ll message the Moderators and tell them what I really think of their Behavior and ask why they have rules about respect etc.

I’m aware it’s not defamation so it is open season I guess

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062911#Comment_121062911

Don’t waste your time and energy. Delete and move on

jos_kel

Thanks all for your kind responses. I’m moving on with my head held high. I’ll maintain my standards on how to treat people and take the lessons learned.

No lesson is a bad lesson.

z80CPU

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062578#Comment_121062578

Social media is a Malicious Sport for a sizeable cohort

jos_kel

What saddens me is that the support group is mainly a great resource for advice for parents who might be in distress.

Why some moderators don’t exercise their duty of care, or don’t feel they have a duty is something I’ll have to accept and move on.

As someone suggested I’m probably seeking support in the wrong place.

Furze99

Don't overestimate your own importance in other peoples worlds. Exit the group, have no more to do with them, and they'll forget who you were within a couple of weeks. Build relationships and support with real people.

Peregrinus

Mods have a duty of care, but to turn that into a legal liability you have to show not only that they breached their duty of care but also that you suffered damage in consequence. Hurt feelings, even justifiably hurt feelings, are not a kind of damage that the law recognises or provides a remedy for; you would need to point to something else.

What others have said is good advice. The most effective thing you can do to protect yourself in this situation is the step you have already decided to take — delete facebook and seek support elsewhere, preferably in a face-to-face environment. Even if you had a good cause of action here I would advise you to think very carefully before pursuing it — running a legal action consumes enormous amounts of emotional energy, and in your situation you need to conserve your emotional energy for more important things.

TooTired123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121062911#Comment_121062911

Social Media is not for everyone and you are one of those people.

You also have a totally askew view of other peoples obligations to you and even imagine that you may have grounds to mount a legal challenge if your feelings are hurt by someone who has a poor opinion of you.

If you don’t curtail your SM participation you may in fact end up on the wrong side of this.

Contacting the admins of this group who I’m sure are volunteers, and demanding apologies etc may quickly be interpreted as you threatening and harassing them. That is against the law.

mykrodot

Social Media is a very toxic place these days. I feel sorry for the OP here. I am not dealing with a child with ADHD or Autism and I can only imagine how difficult and frustrating it is (I have 2 family members with these conditions)

I am a member on a gardening group and a nature group and believe me they have become very toxic in the last year and Moderators regularly delete posts, ask for decency, request people to remain on topic, or even close a discussion. I would hate to be asking for support about a child's behaviour. All people ask on my groups is for a plant to be identified or what to do with a space in the garden and it can turn nasty. Get off social media, its bad for mental health particularly if you're under pressure anyway.

TooTired123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121075136#Comment_121075136

Yes indeed. And the most logical thing is to remove oneself from the arena rather then trying to insist that possibly 10s of 1000s of anonymous strangers should all be kind.