Possible red flag/gaslighting in woman I was briefly dating and being lied to

bnbnb

Hi all

As above I briefly dated a woman for a month, we went on about 5 dates. We met on a dating app and she swiped on me.

First date went so well she said she like to meet again at the end of it. Met again a week later and kissed hung out for about 5 hours. She stated a couple times during this and subsequent dates that she wasn't sure if she wanted a relationship as she had had a couple bad experiences with exes. This is were things get a bit odd.

Between the 2nd and 3rd dates we would talk a lot on WhatsApp she would always contact first. We got talking to what physical features we like in people and I told her I was a boob guy (this is all in a joking manner) to which she replied what about fake ones to which I replied not for me. She then implied that might be an issue so part of me thought she may have had work done so decided not to pry and instead made plans for the 3td date.

She messages me the next morning saying she got a bad vibe off me, that I just want her for her body and apparently the fact I asked about her straighting her hair as she is curly put her off too. I told her that wasn't the case and she kinda went into a rant of sorts saying breast cancer runs in the family etc. I put this all down to fertility surgery she recently had and perhaps emotions would be heightened. At this point I wasn't even sure if the 3rd date would be happening so replied to confirm we were still meeting and we did.

Date goes well lots of passionate kissing and talking until late at night and we then part ways. We are both busy with stuff after so texting a lot again as usual. She's at a work party the next night and states she really misses me and would like to be cuddling, we chat on the phone that night for a bit. that weekend I decided to go for a few pints by myself and invited her to join if she wished, she had just come back from a BBQ with friends and mentioned earlier she was tired. Contacts me to say she can't join as she's wrecked and will be going to a festival tomorrow (I assumed it would be morning) and while a bit disappointed naturally I teased her a bit about it calling her a lightweight, again, in a light joking manner.

She asks me repeatedly am I alone and says she hopes I find the right girl tonight but the tone is off. I tell her if she'd changed her mind to pop in to meet, again, joking manner, to which she replies she won't be and that she's changing her mind about me? She then goes off and says does she want me to cancel her going to the festival with her friend so that she can meet me instead because she can't do both?

At this point I'm a bit stunned tbh so just say it's no big deal sure, next time, to which she replies she thought I was off with her. We leave it at that and say goodnight.

The next day we are talking and we end up sexting. (We never actually slept together) but doesn't seem to have any interest in my end on this. This didn't sit right with me as she maintains she's suddenly got to go pack (this was 3 in the afternoon) and I got the impression she was going to the festival in the morning.

The day after she comes back with the friend after the festival she text me to meet her and other mutual friends in town. One of them knew we where dating, so I felt it may be awkward for her, to which she states that wouldn't be the case. I suggest we all meet but perhaps we could grab a drink at the end someplace else but she says she's not staying out late, which is fair enough so I meet them. She ends up staying out with us until closing time and then just heads off with the friend.

Before this I told her I was worried about blood test results and other things and was tired from hiking earlier in the day. She texts me to ask have I got back home ok and says she's there if I want to talk, we have a brief conversation on the phone and I tell her about my concerns about the test and we say our goodbyes.

The next day(this Monday) she wants to meet as the weather is bad for a hike we had planned on Tuesday. We meet for coffee and hang out a couple of hours. I'm a private person and she's very open and she felt I was holding back things about me, when really I'm still trying to suss her out as a person and I have the other stuff above in the back of my mind.

We kiss and talk and she states she really doesn't think she's ready for a relationship, despite the fact that she states on her profile she's looking for long term. I put this to her and she admits it doesn't make sense either. She then states she may be making a mistake with not wanting to pursue things. We part ways and kiss and she's emotional saying she's not ready.

The next day she texts to say she's not ready for a relationship but that could change down the line and that she wants to be friends. I state I'm not interested in friendship and if she changes her mind to let me know. She keeps asking why we can't be friends and I explain my position again.

Yesterday morning she texts saying she things it's sad just because we went on a few dates that we can't be friends. I feel guilt tripped about this and to be honest getting tired with this craic, so I tell her because I'm attracted to her, I can't really be friends and that that would and is the same with her.

She then states she's not attracted to me at all seemingly and that she was trying hard to feel attraction. So, if that is true, she was lying to me about the whole fearful of getting into a relationship and was effectively leading me on.

I lose my patience at this point (have had bad experiences with liars in general in the past) and tell her she's lied to me the whole time that's she's a nasty person and never to contact me again. She replies she never lied and at this point I blocked her.

I feel used and mislead tbh. I was actually exhausted from this stuff yesterday. The woman constantly messages me everyday and would continue to do so only for I blocked her and there's so many mixed signals...Just wondering what peoples thoughts are on this. Tia.

spaceHopper

Head melt but you know people in common so you don't want to be the baddy here.

If you are friends, what would happen, you hang out with a gang of friends, that stops you meeting anybody else, same if you meet for coffee. You are constantly drawn back to her. Would you ask any other woman you are dating to put up with that. You don't need her cock blocking you.

Leave her blocked for a while, if she contacts you again, don't get annoyed with her, that achieves nothing. Just tell her you were interested in her and cleary she hadn't got the same feeling and it better for you, if you don't keep in touch you both need to move on. But you wish her the best. If she keeps contacting you don't reply that day, leave it till the next day, slow the pace down so she gets nothing from it. If she changes her mind, I'd decline say you don't think it will work.

Buddy Bubs

I dated someone like this when I was young and I kept chasing. Worst experience of my life all the hot and cold stuff.

If you're both mature with a bit of life experience she's unlikely to change and I'd leave her blocked. If she has had bad experiences with exes it can really leave people scarred.

What age group are ye both in?

TheadoreT

You did so much wrong here it's staggering.

Her telling you she's not looking or fearful of a relationship is basically telling you to slow down. You've over pursued to the point that she lost any attraction she may have had for you. She wasnt leading you on, she was testing if you were right for her and you failed.

You were way too available to the point there was no mystery or challenge for her. Don't text between dates, in early dating use your phone to set dates only. If she texts you in between meetings just keep interactions short, you should be busy anyway. Prolonged texting is a complete attraction killer.

Don't do sexting before you've slept with someone, there's so much scope for being misconstrued it's not worth it.

What's the blood test bit all about? Don't try to turn your date into your therapist. You may get sympathy or empathy but it's going to turn her off sexually.

Don't meet up with friends while dating, it's never going to end the way you want it to.

Don't go on about the status of the relationship in early dates, pushing her for validation is only going to have the opposite effect of what you want it you have.

I could go on tbh, you'll probably blame her but if you behave this way you'll have similar experiences with most dates.

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Moderator Warning. 1 month ban for repeatedly ignoring moderator instruction, repeated breaches of forum charter and discussing forbidden topics.

bnbnb

😄 ah a PUA. OK, I'll bite sure.

I spaced out dates a week apart. She did all the contacting on her end often I'd have her on mute because the volume was too much, So a bit of back and forth over the course of the day, I certainly wasn't glued to the phone here.

Sexting is whatever. Builds up sexual tension sure, cmon you should know this.

I don't really open up to dates until I get to know them better, so I'd drop a few nuggets here and there, I'd be like that with people in general tbh.

Never once mentioned the status of us, I simply just asked when she was free and then set a date. She brought up the relationship talk remember?

Well I met up with them because they're my mates and I hadn't seen them in a while, just because she's there doesn't mean I can't meet them either.

bnbnb

We're in our thirties.

The problem with her exes are her problem really. Seems like a lass who's all over the place but my biggest concern here would be the gaslighting, narcissistic behaviour and being lied to. They may be as a result of the surgery and emotionally being over the place or maybe she's just a difficult individual with a chip on her shoulder.

Either way, I'm not impressed with her behaviour and called her out on it. My main concern now is the effect it may have on the group dynamic.

Harry1978

Jesus you wrecked already from her and ye are not even in a relationship yet so i would stay well clear and move on. Head wreck!!

bnbnb

Well yeah, it's supposed to be fun but instead drama.

coolbeans

Massive ball ache alert here. Move on quick and don't give her a second thought. Respect yourself by flatly refusing to deal with this juvenile, gas lighting nonsense. I'll say no more in this thread as that's all there is to it IMO.

ExoPolitic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120750958#Comment_120750958

Sounds like my ex... my ex is my ex for a good reason too. Don't do it, its too much for somebody in their thirties!

Gussie Scrotch

My advice to you, bnbnb, is to give this nutter the swerve.

As a battered veteran, I think I recognise some serious red-lights here. Narcissism at the very least.

What's that attraction? Is she a looker?

bnbnb

Heh, she's decent looking but it's more how the person is tbh.

Look I gave her the benefit of the doubt tbh but given what transpired yesterday it just confirms what really I already knew.

dontmindme

That's a long OP with the sequence of all the events but at no point did I ever think you were actually into this person. You kissed and cuddled and met up whenever but not once did you say how you actually felt about her other than you're a bit annoyed by all her to-ing and fro-ing. You sound very non-committal about her either way and it seems she's responding/reacting to that. The whole account you've written is basically about her, what about you?

bnbnb

No I was into her, I made it clear I liked her, so there wouldn't have been any ambiguity or a vibe I just wanted her for sex.

bnbnb

Like in fairness, she's non committal if nothing else

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120750917#Comment_120750917

You're moving the goalposts here. You went from saying you're texting a lot between dates to a bit here. Can only take your initial word as the more accurate account. And again, it's an attraction killer.

Sexting doesn't build tension. You'd be having actual sex if there was much tension, none after 5 dates indicates tension was dwindling the more she got to know you.

You did mention the status. You said you put it to her about her online dating site where she was looking for a long term relationship. That was too heavy for early dating and you'll only make her feel smothered and unsafe around you.

And tbh you've gone from telling her youre really into her to telling her she's really nasty in no time, coincidentally when she took chances of intimacy off the table. Her instincts about you were probably right.

bnbnb

All whataboutery my friend.

Yes we certainly did text a lot but that was after a couple of dates, and usually fairly trivial stuff again I'd be taking my time.I prefer to get to know people in person.

I did, on the 4th date. She was mentioning relationship terms on the 2nd. And that was to call her out on her increasing BS.

I was into her but had my doubts, and my doubts have now been proven. She's clearly mental. And if that's not so much the case then perhaps she needs more counselling to get past being burned in past relationships.

TheadoreT

If she gave you a green light for sex you'd have gone for it in a heartbeat. Your doubts and nastiness assertions are purely based on rejection.

I'm not seeing much lying or gaslighting anyway. There's no contract that if she's into you after date 1 that she should be after 5. Her attraction dropped, she was likely dating others at the same time and more into someone else.

I'm not sure why you started the thread if you're so set on your stance here. Did you just want people to pile on her and get validation from other lads who think women are "mental", based on them making the same mistakes you did here .

bnbnb

Actually I wouldn't have. I'd have to get to know her better. Again doubt.

Really? You must not have much experience then so.

Could be the case certainly, I'd have gone on dates too sure.

Well to be honest I'm more concerned about how this might affect the group dynamic tbh. I've made decent friends here and that's more important to me. Sometimes gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour can occur without you even knowing I was curious what others would think of the above.

Thanks for you advice! You're the Man!

bnbnb

Mods can close this now please.

marilynrr

You are very quick with the labels, gaslighter, narcissistic behaviour, liar, "clearly mental".

From what you said she comes across as not being ready to date (and unfortunately a lot of people who try to date are not ready) and like she would need a lot of reassurance and that she also has some quite heavy personal health concerns at the moment.

She does sound like she's a bit of a headwreck, however in my experience men who call women 'mental' are generally the worst sort of headwrecks.

You are confused by her behaviour and what she was thinking etc. but you seem to assume that she always knew for sure your motivations etc, which just wouldn't be the case at all. You mentioned a few times things you said in a 'light, jokey manner", but what is a light jokey manner to you might not come across that way to her at all. You said "I made it clear I liked her, so there wouldn't have been any ambiguity or a vibe I just wanted her for sex"....but you don't know what vibe she was picking up, also many women have had multiple experiences with sweet talk or men saying things they wanted to hear even though the men were full of ****....so if she's scarred by past relationships and you're saying one thing but then you're making "jokey comments" and comments about things she's sensitive about like the hair thing or boobs then you might not be coming off the way you're thinking you're coming across at all.

You said "her tone was off".....and then you also said that she thought you were off with her. So you were both potentially having these conversations thinking the other one was being 'off'.

She then states she's not attracted to me at all seemingly and that she was trying hard to feel attraction. So, if that is true, she was lying to me about the whole fearful of getting into a relationship and was effectively leading me on.

This is the only thing that is potentially gaslighting, but also very possibly not. Women are often told to give people a chance that they're not attracted to, that attraction can grow etc, that they should go for someone not like their exes. I've seen women advise other women that intense chemistry tends to be bad news and to go for safer options etc. It sucks because then the people they date can be a bit of an experiment, but it's generally not done to mislead or with bad intentions, and she told you after only a few dates.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120751605#Comment_120751605

Why would the mutual friends group care? You went on 5 dates with someone who wasn't that into you by the end, it's no big deal in the grand scheme of things. Again this is indicative that you seen this as something much bigger than her, you have it built into a massive ordeal.

She was trying to keep it cool by extending the friendship offer at the end, probably as she was mindful you had friends in common. You blocked her. So it's purely your fault if you've made it a bit awkward for yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

Off topic posts deleted. As per the charter if you have a problem with a post or poster report it do not call out 'troll' on thread as this is off topic.

Threadclosed at OPs request. Thanks to all who offered help.

HS