Advice on how to help stressed wife

Nameuser1234

Been with my wife for 20+ years now and we have 3 small kids but over the last while I see her really struggling with a lot of things. Kids, for anyone with them, will probably agree, they can be at times very hard work. They are full of energy and demand a lot of your time! She's a great Mom but over the last while it's all getting on top of her and one night last week she erupted and lost it and it scared the kids. She didn't harm them or hit anyone but just lots of shouting and banging stuff - almost just a release but it has taken her days to come back to herself. She had a really sh!t upbringing and I know all about it but she has never talked to anyone professionally about it. I'd love to be able to help her get some help but bringing it up I don't want to be seem pushy in anyway. I've always felt her upbringing has made her very strong minded and she will defend herself but she is very kind hearted under it all. Anyone got any thoughts on how to get to talk to someone?

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Edited thread title to make it less vague

HS

TheadoreT

I think we guys try to "fix" things instead of actually listening or understanding at times. Seems like you're doing this here.

At a guess I think she may feel under appreciated or taken for granted. Do you still find time to date her? Obviously kids makes it harder but you still need quality time together where she'll feel comfortable to share things that's bothering her in a more relaxed environment.

Galaxy00

Id be very curious are ye both sharing the work load or is it just her?

Nameuser1234

I would say we share it, maybe she thinks different?

My job takes me away a bit but when I am back I make sure she has her time, she doesn't really have any friends where we live now so tends to just like to sit and read most evenings while I tidy up downstairs and get stuff ready for the next day.

TheadoreT

You moved away from where her friends and family are and yet aren't there a lot of the time yourself? Anyone would go a bit irritable in that scenario. It sounds very isolating for her.

Assume since you didn't answer you're not dating her anymore either. You should probably stop looking at ways to therapise her and look more at your role in her happiness.

89897

Have you actually spoke to her about whats getting at her and her struggling or are you just seeing it? If you havent, you need to have a discussion with her to see whats going on.

Nameuser1234

To answer the question about dating we don’t have a babysitter who can look after the kids.

wildwillow

So she has no friends, no social life, a husband who is frequently absent and three children to care.

There has to be someone who can babysit. Do you have neighbours who can recommend someone. Put a notice in the local shop? You don’t necessarily need to leave the children for long, even a walk and coffee would do until you get someone you can trust.

At the very least you should enable her to join something locally in which she has an interest and you mind your children while she interacts with people.

She needs a break. Could she visit old friends for a few days while you take charge. Use a few days annual leave so she gets a clear break.

Are you very rural? What ages are the children? The school run is a great meeting place. Toddler groups, anything so she’s not bored senseless.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120608879#Comment_120608879

Surely you can't be this oblivious to your partners mental health OP?

Do you think she's a robot? Bring up 3 kids(often alone) in a location where she has no support. What has she to look forward to day to day!?

Give your head a wobble, sort a babysitter once a week ffs, and treat her like someone you actually respect and fancy, not just the mother to your children.

Do it for yourself too, you'll find it will benefit you in lots of ways too when she's happier.

xyz13

Plenty remote jobs going.

zoobizoo

Is that not normal behaviour?

As in, she's stressed, she might be a bit at her wit's end with 3 kids making noise / not listening / fighting or whatever and she shouts and bangs a few pots.... that sounds pretty normal to me.

It's usually a build up of things.

Have you asked her about it? "Hey, you seemed pretty stressed yesterday. What can I do to help?"

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120608643#Comment_120608643

You should probably stop looking at ways to therapise her and look more at your role in her happiness

I don't think one partner in a relationship is responsible for the happiness of the other (unless said partner is abusive/violent/dangerous etc).

To rely on another human for your state of contentment is going to lead to a life of unhappiness. Happiness is from within & an ability to cope with external factors.

Back to OP what age are the children here?

Nameuser1234

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120609089#Comment_120609089

Why do you think I don't respect her?

Our kids are very attached to both of us, getting them down at night-time is a 2 person effort and by the time they are all asleep it's nearly 9.30 and yes I have suggest we try get someone to sit with them while we go for a walk but she is tired and just wants to chill out so that's what we do.

Nameuser1234

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120608945#Comment_120608945

She has had one night out with other school Mom's. I always encouraging to organise another one or to drop a text and meet them for coffee etc but she says house needs tidying etc or they will be too busy.

Nameuser1234

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120611568#Comment_120611568

Kids not listening and fighting really drives her mad. As I said in another post night time is horrendous in the house, we try the whole calm time, let them play for a bit but as soon as we say bed time it all just kicks off.

Jafin

OP, I'm not having a bash at you here but I have to agree with many of the other commenters. I think your first port of call should be sitting down with her and asking her what's going through her head right now and what you can do to help. I don't think trying to get her into therapy/counselling should be the go to solution. I say this as someone who has gone through therapy myself and know how helpful it can be, but it doesn't have to be the immediate thing you try for her. If you do your best to help her and she is still constantly stressed/overwhelmed then yes, therapy can be a solution.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120611773#Comment_120611773

Because she sounds fed up, you're not really treating her like someone you desire, and you're putting excuses in the way of having to spend quality time with her. Babysitters are in plentiful supply, children are adaptable, they may miss you the first few times but it's probably good to break that intense attachment in any case. And your wife would likely be a more patient mother if she was more content, as opposed to current scenario.

Obviously nobody is singularly responsible for another persons happiness but in a relationship you need to give to the other person for it to function properly.

MrMusician18

Sounds like she just needs a bit of help to be honest. If you're not in a position to do more with work commitments consider getting a babysitter or cleaner in once or twice a week just to lighten the load.

FazyLucker

You are all being very hard on the OP in my opinion. He came on here looking for help not to get the 3rd degree.

A couple of pointers from me would be can she not get involved in something a couple of evenings per week and you put all the kids to bed? If your kids are school-going, is she working part-time or just sitting at home - because she might not be happy with whichever is the situation.

I don't know your wife but if I were you, I'd ask her what caused that outburst and is there an underlying issue that she needs to talk about? How can you help, can she get involved in some activity / group / volunteering / etc. Or else, if the cleaning or washing is too much maybe get a cleaner or else you do it?

You should probably tell us if she works, etc because to me it could be either part of the problem or part of the solution!

I also find, de-energise the kids as much as possible during the day, so they don't have energy to fight at that hour of the night!

If you can get a babysitter even once a month and get a night out, or let her get away somewhere for a weekend that can also help. Or you both get away depending on circumstance.

Most of us have probably had that outburst in front of our kids to be fair (I have anyway and I'm not proud of it) - don't be too hard on her either but try found out what the issue is and how you can help.

And good on your for opening up and trying to find a solution.

zoobizoo

I think people are being harsh on the OP here.

Imagine trying to leave 3 kids, who have never had a babysitter, to be put to bed by a stranger. Kids are freaked out. Babysitter would have to be very mature, and vey experienced as there's 3 of them. Plus you'd want it to be someone you trust. So that whittles it down to family (at the start) really.

OP - bedtimes can be extremely frustrating. It's the end of the day and parents just want to unwind and relax and catch up. Turbulent bedtimes is a killer. With 3 I'd imagine very hard.

But talk to your wife first - see what the frustrations are specifically and what you can do to help. That'd be my first step.

Hannibal_Smith

Talk to her. Depending on the ages of the children, it could be anything from exhaustion to post natal depression.

If putting the kids to bed is a 2 person job and by the time they're settled it's 9.30 with 2 of you - imagine what bed times are like when it's just her doing it? You say you're away with work a bit, so that's a long day for her. And she's living some where new with no friends as yet? It sounds lonely and exhausting and no one /thing prepares you for that.

I'm not sure how young your kids are, but you're right, it is easier said than done getting someone to baby sit while you both go out. If I was living somewhere new I'd find that difficult. But I don't think it's as simple as blaming her upbringing. Maybe it has a part to play, but even without that element it sounds like a tough time she's having.

Talk to her when the kids are settled and no interruptions and listen to what she's saying. That would be my starting point anyway.

Tefral

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120611936#Comment_120611936

I have to second this I have a 2 year old and a 4 Year old at home, we have them down by 7.30 now and by god did it take a lot of work. Now we have such a routine that their grandparents can put them to bed, not a hope would my 2 year old go to sleep for a babysitter though.

I also think fair play to the OP for at least recognising this and is willing to try help alleviate it.

We are very lucky we have active grandparents who take the kids and we get to have date nights... you just forget you were a couple before kids otherwise.

OP, maybe book her into a local Spa for an afternoon with a massage etc. Sometimes you just need time away by yourself to press the rest button

hello2020

kids grow with time and some of these issues will resolve in time..have 4 kids and face the similar problems but going out with them regularly to play ground , parks beaches or even shops could be a good break and it releases the stresses you feel inside the house.. take the kids out on your own for few hours which gives some break to your partner.

sleep time can be a good fun as well if you setup a routine and give them sufficient time & activities to calm down and sleep..

Nameuser1234

For those asking yes she does work a few days a week and the odd Saturday so it's me and the kids those days - oh they get plenty of exercise them days! Her job is on her feet all day and extremely busy and stressful but she likes the job(not sure how!) so leaving is not an option, you can imagine arriving home to a house of kids and each wanting to tell her stories is hard. I've said why not let me tell them you are working late the odd time and I'll text you when they are asleep but she misses them and wants to see them...

Kids are 7, 5 and 3 and to be fair the 7 year old is getting a lot better - she was a non sleeping child for nearly 3 years.

I will try have a chat with her but she says it was her time of the month but I am not buying that.

FazyLucker

We have all been the exhausted parent, arriving home after a s****y day and not being bothered with the boring story or the kids fighting!

Dialogue is the key here, and the fact that you want to help and resolve things is good. I think your idea of telling them you are working late is a good one, if she doesn't want the offer at least you tried!

You'll find a way through it - it might have just been an outburst and we've all been guilty of that! :D

pc7

Good read here on the 'mental load' OP, lots of other articles and reports to be found, reckon its an issue in lots of houses https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210518-the-hidden-load-how-thinking-of-everything-holds-mums-back

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120612468#Comment_120612468

Maybe the two of you could take a day off and send the kids to whatever childcare they go to while you're both working (or school for the eldest two) and just have a sneaky day to yourselves?

_gir

To add to the babysitter point, most people think babysitters just do nights but that's not the case. My wife and i have someone who comes once in a while on a saturday 12-4 or 1-5 so we can get lunch and maybe a film. We know a couple too that get one on saturday mornings (next door neighbour teen) so they can gym and brunch together. I think this would be the way to go, even if you both did something different during the time and not together.

I completely get where you're coming from OP, wife is expecting third and is out of action most days so but is still stressed due to lack of sleep and constant baby kicks (plus hyperemesis). Despite, me doing the cooking and kids pickups/dropoffs and hiring a weekly cleaner, we dont have family or friends in the area and wife wasnt working between the kids, so she felt isolated and stressed too. It's not always just because the division of labour isn't 50/50. Best thing I did that I would recommend to you is ask and listen. There's probably some underlying reason why if she did get free time, she wouldnt want to use it. Maybe anxiety or just feeling overwhelmed and unable to visualise fun/relaxing things to do.

I will say though that you're being a caring husband recognising that your wife is struggling and a desire to help her, good luck!

sekond

Another vote for the babysitter during the day option.

We moved overseas when our kids were small, husband was working and I wasn't initially. I also had a child that didn't sleep well for medical reasons, and I had no friends/family locally. The isolation was a massive thing for me, especially during the day when my husband was at work - and I had willingly and happily made the move with him.

We worked on the friends, child sleep and things for me to do away from the kids, but one of the best things we did was getting a babysitter on a Saturday afternoon (or on some occasions, my husband taking a day's leave and getting a babysitter). We'd have lunch, watch a movie, do some shopping and still be home for dinner.

And then when we got to the bottom of the sleep issue and were ready to try nights out, the kids knew the babysitter and it was 100 times easier.

session savage

OP I have been in your shoes. When my kids were the same age as yours.

Its hard, really hard. I thought I was reading about my own wife there for a second.

Don't mind those people being hard on you. Its easy to have answers when you've never been where you are. It was the same for me. We had only my mother in law to babysit and she wasn't available every weekend. Then with covid she wouldn't leave her house. My wife had a very hard upbringing that left her resentful and guarded when she got overwhelmed. She would have had a few of those blowouts herself.

The good news is it gets better. Much better. For now it seems to me your doing the right thing which is being aware of her struggle and understanding. I know it can be hard but you need to be patient with her and understand what she's feeling. Don't take things personally or judge her when she blows off some steam, but support her and be there for her. If she feels like my wife did then she may be feeling like she's doing it all on her own, even though you share the workload she may still feel like she's doing it all. Feelings don't care about facts, so let her feel what ever way she feels without getting your back up.

Don't try to force her to talk but make sure she knows your available. Personally I found that saying "I can see your struggling at the minute, when you feel ready come talk to me" worked a lot better than " what's wrong with you" did.

Try to arrange time for her to be "off duty" whenever you can. I used to bring my kids away to the playground or something as often as I could just so she could get some time to chill. I know your probably working full time like I was, and doing your share of the housework so you could do with time too but from her perspective, she's there in that house 24/7 and you get to 'get away'. Arguing about that never helped in my case.

As for the kids, be really disciplined with the routine. Especially at bedtime. If you keep a set routine and begin the night time winddown at the same time every day then they will settle into it. We struggled a lot with one of ours at bed time. One massive thing is not to get mad at the kids or animated in any way. Be calm and boring when talking to them. My lad acted up because he wanted a response from us. When our responses were juts quiet and boring he just began to settle quicker night after night. But that's only a bit of advise. Theres books on that topic.

Hang in there man. Be patient. And be kind, to yourself and your mrs.

kerryjack

I think stress levels are rising everywhere OP and some people default is to shout out might be a good thing than to bottle it all in. My OH is a screamer and so are her family and I am the silent type and so was my family. Took a bit of getting used to but now we don't take any notice of a few outbursts every now an again, it helps when you live out in the sticks as well.