Seeking advice from the male perspective

rowantree18

I would really like to hear what men think of my situation and any insights.

I, female, am in 3 year relationship with my partner, male. We don't live together, we live 2.5 hours apart. Due to our work situations we can spend anything from 2 to 5 days together per week about 3 times per month. I have one grown up child who lives independently and he has a number of children but just one who is still a minor. We have a lot in common and a lot of shared activities which I would not really have had with my ex husband for example. I would say I fell in love with my partner fairly soon, and then grew to love him - a totally different thing. I really love him and see myself as wanting to spend the rest of my life with him.

Here's the rub: I am really sexually attracted to him. I find him gorgeous, sexy, desirable, his body turns me on no end and I want sex with him at least once a day when we are together, preferably night and morning, if he wanted it in between - no problem. I am open to place, position, whatever. But we never have enough sex in terms of what I would like. He says morning sex makes him tired, at night he doesn't want it if there is a sporting event the next day (like he would be Rocky or something), attempts on the couch for example, don't lead to sex. We do have sex, but it seems to me that I am the one always initiating it and that sometimes he just does it because he feels he has to. I have tried the underwear route which semi worked, but he wasn't that into it, fine, I kinda prefer nakedness anyway. I'm in good nick for my age, still fit into my jeans I had when I was 20 and I've absolutely no hang ups about being naked or my body etc. I tried lights on, he turned it off. I don't mind noises, a bit of mess etc. It's all part of the human condition. But he kisses me for a while which is lovely, touches my nipples which is absolutely my thing, and either pulls me on top or goes missionary and when he climaxes it is totally silent to the point I am not even sure if it happened. It has stifled me a bit too as I feel I can't make noise or talk a bit dirty etc. And when it is over, he falls asleep. I know he knows where the clitoris is because a couple of times he has brought me to amazing climax. But he generally just doesn't bother. I have tried the route of talking gently about it, telling him how much I love when he does xyz but he hasn't taken the hint. I have asked him over and over what he likes - no reply. I've told him how gorgeous and sexy I find him - no response. I love giving oral, but he cannot seem to climax, it has only happened once or twice and I can't stay there literally for hours.... previous partners always said it was something I was good at. Stroking his "golden triangle" area made him actually remove my hand, so I assume he does not like that. I was on top once and mastrubated while we were having sex and he told me to stop as if I was disgusting. I am losing my sexual confidence.

My question is, as men, do you think that while this man obviously likes me (he would not spend so much time over 3 years with me), he just does not find me sexually attractive? I just don't turn him on? I've tried so hard, but I just can't unlock the key, if there is one, to his sexual persona. I lie in bed at night with him, dying inside because I want him so much. Other lovers you could wake up and they'd be all delighted if you told them you want them immediately, I've had that sort of stuff. But with him I don't feel I could do that. As men, is it a case of he's just not that into me? I don't want to leave him because we are great together otherwise, and I don't want an affair for sex, I just want him. You read about men silently dying inside because they are sexually rejected by their wives or partners, well it happens to women too. I want a great sex life with this man I love so much. But am I just wasting my time?

rowantree18

Yes, I can snuggle without always wanting sex and very happy to do that. I don't come full on wanting sex, but I would like sex more often, yeah, ideally once a day, but I understand not everyone wants that or is in the mood etc. We never had that period of having constant sex in the beginning which is quite common. That surprised me, but I was enjoying the actual relationship so much that I shrugged it off a bit. I wanted him so much I sort of couldn't believe we weren't constantly in bed...but we weren't. I just want him to initiate it sometimes, to feel he wants me and that it's not just one-sided.

Peregrinus

Mismatched sex drive. It's not uncommon in couples. It doesn't mean he's not into you; it just means he's not into sex — or, at least, not as into it as you are.

Reading your post, I get the impression you have tried to talk about this indirectly - e.g. you ask him what he likes but he "doesn't take the hint". Maybe it's time to stop hinting and start talking directly? "Do you think we have mismatched sex drives?".

This can be a difficult conversation to have, obviously. You don't want to come across as critical of him, and in our highly sexualised culture where being as horny as possible all the time is seen as aspirational, it may be difficult for him to hear that you think he lacks horniness. The truth is that our sex drive is what it is; your higher level of horniness is not better or more valid than his lower level. But that may not be what he hears when you raise the subject.

Don't expect any magic solutions; having this conversation is unlikely to make him hornier or you less horny. But it might make it easier for each of you to accept one another's differing levels of horniness, and not feel stressed or undermined, and work out together how you will manage this in your relationship. You mention, for instance, that you think that sometimes "he just does it because he feels he has to". Doing something that you don't want to do because you know it will please or gratify your partner is in itself an act of love; the challenge for you is to accept that as the loving act that it is rather than letting it make you feel unloved. The challenge for him is not to feel that his masculinity is undermined by the fact that he is the less horny of the two of you.

So, challenges for both of you, and no magic fixes - just good communication which (hopefully) will make dealing with the challenges a bit easier. In the end, you are going to have to decide whether this mismatch is going to deny you a sex life that is as fulfilling as you want and, if so, whether this is a deal-breaker for you; perhaps it will be. But, even if it comes to that, at least you should know that the underlying problem was not that he didn't love you enough or, worse, that you weren't lovable enough; it was that he wasn't the right man for you.

FoxForce5

He is with you for 40% of a month, are you sure someone else isn't tiring him out for the other 60% ?

rowantree18

I'd hate to think that, of course it's possible. He's with me most weekends so I'd say that precludes him from having a second girlfriend as surely she'd be suspicious as to why he would not be available on weekends, but he could be having some kind of sexual affair with someone who might be also in a relationship.

taxAHcruel

Anything is "possible". What you should focus on is anything you have actual reason to think true. Nothing you have said so far in the thread is suggestive of infidelity.

It is just a thing I have seen happening on threads about a mis-match of sexual drives that at least one user will always come in to suggest that one person in the relationship must be "getting it" somewhere else. The fact that it is of course possible - does not mean you need to concern yourself with the possibility unless you have any reason at all to think it true.

The fact is I could sit here and list off a ream of things that are also entirely and equally "possible" - but I would have equally zero evidence for a single one of them. Perhaps - to give a random example - he was sexually abused as a child and any expression of sex comes with emotional turmoil and internal strife. I have zero evidence for that theory from anything you have written - just like there is zero evidence in anything you have written than he is being sexually satiated elsewhere.

Your reaction of essentially wondering "What is wrong with me?" is also very natural. But from what you describe in the opening post - probably unfounded. After all you describe yourself coming from a history of sexual success, confidence, openness, approach-ability, experimentation and pleasure.

But it is often a natural human tendency that you can do something 1000s of times with good result and then the time you get a different result you beat yourself up and feel like a failure. A little bit like how famous people talk about "reading the comments". They can get 1000s of positive feedback and compliments - and then one negative review. And which one do you think they lie in bed thinking about? We can become blind to the positive when focused on a negative - such that we only see the negative and assume we must be failing somehow.

What if the opposite is true? What if this is just how this guys sex drive is. What if he is not particularly that into sex - even finds aspects of it off putting or distasteful - and it simply has nothing to do with you at all? Or consider even the complete opposite. What if he is actually usually much "worse" sexually that he is now - and rather than you not being good enough or sexy enough - you are actually so good enough and sexy enough that the way he is with you now is actually better than his usual historic baseline - and what you are interpreting as rejection is actually the highest form of the exact opposite he is capable of?

A similar example to this from my life is a guy who barely spoke to me when we spent time together. I would barely get any words or full sentences. He seemed just so shut down and uninterested in conversation. So I assumed at first he must not like me - or something about me was making him not want to talk. I later learned this guy never says a single word to anyone at all. The fact he was saying anything at all to me or being even a tiny bit open with me was in fact quite wonderful. I had interpreted his silence exactly backwards therefore. The way he was with me was not because he did not like me or felt uncomfortable with me - it was in fact because he did like and feel comfortable with me that I was able to get anything out of him at all. But I lacked the full picture of this guy and his history. So consider the possibility the same is happening to you here.

In other words - there is simply no reason at all to jump automatically to the "Its not him its me" mentality that you seem to be in your posts.

Other than that there is nothing more I can say that Peregrinus did not already say above. For me it sounds like it is going to have to come down to communication - with empathy and understanding sure, but direct rather than dancing around with hints or suggestions. After all if you want to spend your life with someone then you do not only want the sex to be good - you want the communication to be good too quite likely. And this is one place to put the toe in the waters to see what communication might be like on other deep and personal and emotive issues in your future.

greenspurs

Any update ?

rowantree18

No, no update. I actually thought I'd get more replies - loads of views but not many replies. We're away at another sporting event so it'll be nothing tonight, too tired tomorrow and home Sunday. I do the events too and all the outdoor stuff we do, we come back to my place as he's usually with me, I give him fresh food immediately as he's always starving and then pretty much immediately start cooking a fairly elaborate dinner as we love food and a glass of good wine. I literally never sit down but I could still have sex and tiredness doesn't come into it. It's the combo of getting along with someone well and enjoying things together that just drives me mad for him. We're middle aged but fit and while he'll never have a 6 pack, I could just look at him and want him immediately. He's gorgeous to me in so many ways. Ah well.

sniperman

he is a very lucky man,but does not seem to realize it

Day Lewin

He might genuinely be short of a few hormones: men also have waning testosterone in middle age.

If he had a chat with his GP he might get a prescription for " Vye A GRa " or similar, or supplementary testosterone.

Have you asked him directly, though politely, of course, about his earlier sexual expereience? Did he always have a "calm" sex drive, or is this new?

Could he be nervous about loss of erection, or afraid of failing to satisfy you?

How does he masturbate - if he does? Ask him to show you. Ask what he thinks about, what turns him on. Boob or bum man? Any kinks?

It sounds so frustrating for you; but it might come down to ...having to satisfy yourself, some of the time. And I do appreciate that's not very friendly and you would much rather share this intimacy.

To recap - as other comments have said - it comes down to clear communication, plain speaking, and realism about the situation.

TheadoreT

OP, I've a feeling I know the answer, but with previous partners were you as attracted to the ones who'd always do the chasing and initiating? Did you want sex the entire time with them? Did it feel as good?

I'm not sure if your partner is intentionally doing it or is just naturally acting this way, but he's nailing it when it comes to keeping your interest peaked. Does he let you do most of the texting/calling too as a matter of interest?

When women feel they're more into it than the guy, it never gets boring as the challenge is always there. When guys do all the heavy lifting it usually leads to a "I don't feel any chemistry" and infrequent or no sex in a relationship. It only gets worse as the more the woman pulls away, the more the guy gets needy and respect goes over time. I think this is that situation but the genders flipped.

The spark and good orgasms you're feeling is from the build up of anxiety of always wondering if he's really that into you, those dopamine hits during intimacy will feel extra exhilarating to you and you'll think your head over heels in love, possibly like never before as most guys over initiate.

rowantree18

Interesting comment TheadoreT.

I don't feel I was in relationships where either one did all/most of the chasing. It was fairly even - I think. In this relationship actually he set a standard of always texting and calling.

I've never really bought into the "men are hunters" thing and that they need to chase or the whole "women need to be mysterious thing". If I meet someone a few times and feel I like them then I'm straight forward in that I don't pretend to be busy or in high demand etc to keep him interested.

I haven't had many relationships - I had a long term one when I was younger, I was married for about 12 years and then one or two very short term things, a lot of being single and then met current partner. In common with, (I think) many women, I want sex in a loving relationship. One night stands or hooking up purely for sex don't interest me.

So do you think that by making it so clear that I love and want him, find him sexually and otherwise attractive and being clear about how happy I am with him in general - I'm actually turning him off?

I have tried talking to him but he's definitely not comfortable talking about sex whereas I am. I've asked directly what he wants or likes and I get no answer. I am not trying to hop on him every moment, but it definitely feels like he never initiates it. I don't want to push him away by going on about it all the time so I tread softly. I really love him - we've created this great life of outdoors, activity and food with other bits thrown in. I'm so happy and when we do have sex I just love it. I'm in health/medicine myself and I understand all about dopamine - it's a really interesting point - if he wanted me all the time would I be as into it.....however ultimately I'm trying to decide if although he likes me, am I just not sexually attractive to him as if I'm not I need out.

TheadoreT

Most women obviously say they want even persuing, it makes logical sense. But logic and what you emotionally respond to are different.

I don't think you're turning him off by being loving and letting him know how much you care. Mutually fulfilling relationships are possible but they need to be just that, mutual. But it's possible you are turning him off by not having all your needs met and wanting him more. But it's how these things usually go, we're naturally inclined to act a bit more needy out of fear of loss or not being good enough and it spirals from there.

somebodude

I am maybe similar to your man.

I went from being embarassingly stimulated in my 20s to mostly forgetting all about it a few decades later.

The fountain of youth became the toothpaste-tube of middle-age.

I wish I had a bigger appetite, little it seems can be done.

I mentioned this to my GP - she just paused, said 'youre in a long term relationship?' - 'yes' - nodded, and went back to taking nodes. It's a thing.

To liven it up, some people go for kink, swapping, various chemicals, what have you - background low-level anxiety can block intimacy.

But, yeah, it's a thing.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27485.Mating_in_Captivity

https://thenewdaily.com.au/life/relationships/2020/02/22/husband-wife-sibling-feelings/

rowantree18

I'm grateful for all replies here - honestly I thought I'd get more as men are always writing in/on radio about a lack of sex in their marriage or relationship, so I thought it'd be quite the topic. In any case, with horrible gut wrenching sadness on my part I've ended it. He had all the power - you can't force a man to have sex with you or to want to. It was always me initiating it and he didn't bother ensuring I orgasmed other than occasionally. We weren't married, living together or had mutual children and I know damn well that under those circumstances a man wouldn't stay with a woman if there was no sex.

I honestly thought I'd end my days with him, there was a huge amount of compatibility. I've no idea why he didn't end it himself once he realised he'd no sexual interest in me. We had great fun, shared activities, decent conversations, very little drama or rows - but for him I obviously had the sex appeal of a goldfish. I was actually turned on by the no fights and drama factor - it's so nice. He'd had a relationship before which I think was quite volatile and actually I'd bet the farm was sexually great - possibly he liked the drama. Anyhow, thems the breaks. I'll rock on.

dickdasr1234

He told you to stop masturbating while on top?

Selfish prick.

Move on.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121010275#Comment_121010275

I’m late to this thread but I just want to say I hope you’re ok OP. I could have sworn I wrote this a year ago about my own ex. He was the exact same. No interest in having sex with me….ill spare you the details but it damaged my body confidence. Funny how someone else’s insecurities can harm your own confidence. Good for you that you got out!! I know it’s not easy.

rowantree18

It's been awful. I loved him. But I couldn't go on that way. I also knew that if we did continue, one day he'd come across someone that sparks would fly with and he'd be gone. He also wouldn't go on holidays - so it'd have been a life of no holidays and no sex (in the event he stayed with me). I can't let someone have that kind of power, and he would have had it because you can't force someone to go on holidays or have sex. He was everything I wanted, except he never "wanted" me...

rowantree18

Oh, one thing that came to mind is that he uses Finesteride for hair loss (he started years ago. it definitely worked!), and I know that it can be linked to low libido, but he takes an extremely low dose of it - something like a quarter of a tablet a few times a week.