Partner self-doubt and relationship sabotage

xElDeeX

I'm devastated to be posting here but i don't know who to turn to. My partner and I have been together 8 years and despite both of us loving each other a lot, lately things have been very rocky. I had a period of very intense work related stress last year that resulted in a short period of deep depression. This is not my first rodeo so i initially tried to use exercise etc to resolve it but ended up on medication and starting to see a therapist. Im much better now overall. Ive also changed jobs so i have more time to myself and with my partner.

Over the last month my partner has become fixated on the idea that i betrayed him with an ex colleague. This is definitely not the case. Im many things but ive never looked at anyone else in the last 8 yrs. This has happened before with suspicions about aquaintances etc but this time he cant seem to let it go. I have given him access to my phone and emails but although he now seems to accept that nothing happened he wants to end the relationship as he seems to think i "could do better" and that he is bad for me. He is not sleeping and every day is an emotional rollercoaster. He says he is not thinking of self harm so that is good. He will not consider talking to anyone either with me or alone.

When i talk to my therapist she is interested only from my perspective so that i look after myself. I really want to help him. I know i cant make my partner talk to someone but im afraid it will be too late for our relationship by the time he starts to feel better in himself.

We are both ok financially and nobody will be homeless if we break up.

Strongly suggest that he goes to a therapist to talk about attachment styles, sounds like he might be Anxious and therapy can help.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there a possibility that he has in fact cheated on you and is projecting his guilt on to you? If he's accusing you without any basis, then I'm afraid it's something to consider.

He needs to be upfront and honest with you. If he hasn't cheated on you then he needs to get to his GP for a chat because he can't continue to live like this and he cannot subject you to this.

Your counsellor is correct. Their priority is you. You cannot force him to do anything he won't do. All you can do is protect yourself. Don't lose who you are to try make his life better. Especially if he's not willing to at least meet you half way. He either drops this and moves on, or maybe you have to accept that perhaps he's right, and in the long term you would be better off without him. There's only so much you can do for another person.

Girl Geraldine

Jesus, that is no way to live, having to put up with that sort of shíte off of your partner. That is not a good relationship.

I suggest that it has run it's course and its time to finish things and end it. You deserve better than to be facing a daily inquisition and allegations of cheating form a partner.

This is typical coercive control and bullying behaviour. That only ever gets worse.

I thing you should end the relationship and find someone who is less riddled with insecurity.

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xElDeeX

I wish he would. I cant force him. Thank you though.

YellowLead

Well done for looking after yourself and seeking therapy and moving jobs etc - basically taking steps to look after yourself and improve your situation.

Thats where you and your partner differ - he has not done this.

I believe he is right in saying that you would be better off without him. As much as you love him he is causing you stress and you cannot help him, only he can make those decisions / effort. I know it’s hard to leave because you might feel like you are choosing yourself over him - in reality you would probably both be better off without each other, for now anyway. Without you as a safety blanket / crutch he might just be forced to take action to help himself. You are not his responsibility and you can’t place that pressure on yourself.

TheadoreT

I agree with the poster who said he may be projecting. Has he in your knowledge ever been unfaithful before?

But I can tell your sex life with him is either very sparse or non existent the way he's behaving. So that's surely a problem in itself? People who get into that "you're too good for me/pity me" mindset have zero understanding of how to keep a partner attracted to them.

xElDeeX

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120550521#Comment_120550521

He has not been unfaithful to me to my knowledge. This is only his 2nd real relationship so i dont have a lot to compare with.

No issues with our sex life. Its frequent and welcomed by both of us, although he moved into the spare room last night so that is going to change.

I do think he might be feeling threatened in some way. I'm becoming well respected and well compensated in my work. This wasn't always the case so maybe that's adding to the insecurity?

Hannibal_Smith

This has happened before with suspicions about aquaintances etc but this time he cant seem to let it go.

These accusations aren't a new thing then, theres a pattern there? What made him let it go before? Are you happy to live a life knowing that every once in a while you'll have to offer up your phone and email access because he doesn't trust you?

Things don't need to be very rocky at all. It sounds very stressful and there is no need for it.

Your counsellor can only help you to help you, obviously. You can't help someone who won't help themselves. With the best will in the world its just a non runner. All you can control is how you deal with it and for how long. There must be good parts to the relationship that are keeping you together, so its up to you to balance the good with the bad and decide what you want to do. It has been 8 years and that must be very hard to let go of, but that isnt a reason to stay either.