Sex and love addiction - is recovery possible ?

chloe2009

Hi

Does anyone have experience of this? It is very difficult to find out anything on this because it is not officially deemed a disorder. However it follows the same trajectory of other addictions.

This is having a catastrophic impact on my marriage. There have been numerous affairs in recent years, where my partner chases the rush of early stage relationships and sex, and keeps it completely separate to his normal family life, until

he is found out. I’m trying to save my marriage and distinguish the person from the behaviour, but I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced this, and recovered? Is it work sticking this out if the correct recovery methods are used?

please share any advice

Wanderer78

you need to find a therapist for yourself, you re in a highly dysfunctional and abusive relationship, theres clearly something psychologically wrong with your husband, that requires professional help, from bi-polar to a cluster b, and beyond, who knows, but thats not for anyone here to say, only professionals. its impossible to say if your husband got help, if he d change, that ultimately would be up to him, but your priority is yourself, and your kids, if you do indeed have them. its a sh1t situation to be in, but first things first, your gp is your first port of call, to request a therapist. best of luck

Girl Geraldine

It sounds like an ingrained compulsive behaviour. I would think at this stage it is so ingrained that no amount of talking therapy would solve it.

Honestly, i think it's just over. He obviously has no respect for you if he can't or wont make any effort to curb this relentless extramarital philandering. If I were you I'd finish it and start the process of separation.

The only thing possible, and I don't know if it is even possible, might be to see if a medical treatment might be available - basically taking androgen blocking medication that reduces testosterone that will lessen the drive for this sort of behaviour.

chloe2009

Thank you - yes, I’m seeing a therapist to help me out in this situation. It is so so difficult, especially as we have young children also.

chloe2009

Thank you. Yes it is ingrained & compulsive, which is what is so worrying. I’m not sure it can be remedied at this stage.

I know in his heart he is a good person. But his capacity to continue these episodes alongside a family life is frightening.

Girl Geraldine

All else considered, at the end of the day your husband is a cheater. An absolutely unabated and relentless one at that.

There is more than a grain of truth to the old wives tale - once a cheat, always a cheat.

The only thing he might do if push comes to shove is go on good behaviour for a while and relapse, only to start covering his tracks better so as to not be found out.

I think you would be codding yourself in thinking that there is a way to change him. People don't change. Leopards don't change their spots.

And as the saying goes, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. You'd be the bigger eejit to accept this unabated philandering. God only knows what STDs he might be picking up. If you want to keep the marriage at all costs, then all I could suggest is to end the physical relationship and open the marriage so that he can pursue his lust elsewhere, but he can no longer expect to get goodies at home too.

Another thing that could happen is that he could be getting anyone else pregnant. Now this is a realy problem because then his money for the home and children will have to be spread thinner to cover the maintenance of the illigitimate children.

The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that it is a hopeless case and that you should just finish it.

Hannibal_Smith

What steps towards dealing with it has he made?

I don't think there'd be many people who would accept his behaviour or try and excuse it the way you have. Its not you who would be responsible for ending the relationship if you decided you've reached your limit with it. You have done nothing wrong here.

I would suggest you continue talking to your therapist about it and try and come to a solution with their help.

Girl Geraldine

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120524110#Comment_120524110

It may be compulive but don't let him cod you into thinking it is some sort of illness or that he has no agency in it. He is going out, wooing and courting these ones into bet. That takes effort and concious thought and decision making.

Don't be naive. Don't let him make an absolute fool out of you by spinning some yarn that his relentless womanising is some sort of unfortunate illness that he has no control over and that you ought to pity him for it. It sounds like it has that sort of slant on it.

Wanderer78

time to cut your losses unfortunately, its time to start preparing for separation and divorce, as staying would cause serious damage to both you and the kids, its time to start getting legal advice for such, and time for your husband to move out....

TheadoreT

OP I feel you're rationalising a LOT here. Almost like you're desperately trying to attribute some sort of illness on him as its harder to accept he's not that into you and couldn't give a toss about your mental health. Everything he's doing is the complete opposite of love.

dvdman1

You need the face the music, this guy is extremely selfish, he's conscious of exactly what he's doing and the fact he's repeating it over and over means he thinks your willing to tolerate it...guys like this can never be trusted and the words they speak are never what they really think.

This is a lost cause and you are a victim here, but instead of continuing to be a victim you need to pull your self together and regain your own dignity and respect and get away from this guy before you become a passenger in your own life.

Big Bag of Chips

Nobody here is qualified to diagnose your husband, or not. His first stop should be a GP, if he honestly feels a compulsion and sex addiction. But he has to engage himself. You can't do it for him.

Has he other compulsive behaviours. Does he drink a lot? Gamble? Take drugs? I know you are trying to separate the behaviour from the man, but sometimes it's ok to say it's unacceptable behaviour. You need to look after your own mental health and needs. His don't take priority. If he was an abusive alcoholic you wouldn't be told to separate the behaviour from the man, and be expected to put up with that and continue living in that environment.

It can be very difficult to make the decision to walk away from a marriage. But you will make that decision if and when the time is right for you. Don't feel pressured into anything by anyone. But maybe look into counselling for yourself too. To realise you don't have to accept unacceptable behaviour.

deirdremf

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, it is difficult to deal with the situation and even more so when you have young children together. My heart goes out to you.

IMO, a person's behaviour IS the person. For all practical purposes, what he does is what he is, or at least it is a very large part of him.

In another field, that of politics, it has been said that a government's policies are expressed in the budget, not in party manifestos or politicians' high-sounding statements.

Applying this to the sphere of a marriage, what a person says can be lovely and just what you want to hear, but when their behaviour is very different from their words you have to put the words aside and judge them on their behaviour.

In your case, your husband's behaviour is unacceptable and unlikely to change before the male menopause sets in.

All that said, you have left me wondering a bit. You are seeing a therapist, but you do not say if they have advised you in any way. A few decades ago you might have talked to your priest who would probably have told you to "Offer it up". I hope your therapist can improve on that type of advice!

Another question I wonder about is whether you are a stay at home mother? Or if you prefer not having to face a life without your husband for either social/family or practical reasons (such as him helping out with the kids). The reality of having a husband who is not genuinely a part of your marriage is that sooner or later you will have to face the facts; and the sooner you can deal with those facts the sooner you can start to remake your life, hard as it may seem from your present standpoint.

TheadoreT

I wouldn't try and hide behind the "doing it for the kids" justification either to stay in a toxic and disfunctional marriage. Kids are very perceptive. What sort of relationship preparation are you giving them when daddy treats mammy like something he's trodden in and mammy just accepts it time and time again? Kids grow into adults and take years of therapy to work through these things, and that's just the ones with enough self awareness. Many others just replicate the patterns they learned from childhood, as well as developing many other potential disorders, chances of anxiety, depression ect will be much higher.

If you get out now you can at least try to show them some semblance of a healthy relationship if you work on yourself and find someone better for you. Stable, faithful and loving parents statistically produce the most confident and healthily functioning children, this is overwhelmingly proven. Therefore the most loving choice is to leave something that's giving them a significant disadvantage at life. There's zero upside staying in this situation, for you or your family.

YellowLead

If he keeps getting caught he clearly doesn’t even try and hide these affairs, that’s how little respect he has for you - he sees you as a doormat who will just accept this.

Has he shown any inclination to save the marriage? Or does he just say oh I can’t help it and leaves it at that?

I think you need to show him there are consequences to his actions. Tell him you want out of the marriage. Normally I wouldn’t advocate for the man having to move out and still pay mortgage etc but I feel like this guy deserves a little bit of pain in his pocket.

chloe2009

Thank you so much for these insights. They are so helpful.

However foolish it is, I want to save my marriage. I do realise how crazy that sounds with everything that has happened. And I’m angry with myself that I’m not stronger right now. It’s a mixture of fear and grief I suppose that is keeping me stuck. I also need to face up to the fact that despite what he says, he couldn’t possibly love me. It’s very slow to process everything.

He moved out to work on himself, get space and figure things out. That’s his focus now. He is in therapy.

It all seems insurmountable. I work but am barely present at the moment.

I hope I make the right decisions.

I am glad to see some responses from men who give me hope that there are good, faithful men still out there.

Big Bag of Chips

And I’m angry with myself that I’m not stronger right now. It’s a mixture of fear and grief I suppose that is keeping me stuck

That's completely normal. Look at the amount of people who stay in relationships that from the outside look unbearable. Everyone makes the decisions they are able for at the time. You might make a different decision in 5 years. You might look back in 10 years and feel that you should have made different choices. But it'll all be irrelevant. Today you are only capable of making the decision you are able for today.

You will be ok. It will work out. And it will work out when you are ready.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058294119/sex-and-love-addiction-is-recovery-possible

Let me guess, he is the one that suggested he might have a disorder...

In my day such men were called philanderers and women were advised not to believe a word they said, but I guess if you give it a new label then you can fool yourself into thinking he can be changed.

You almost have to admire the balls of it, call it an addiction and then cheat as much as you like, who knew it was that easy.

Pawwed Rig

Hi Chloe

You sound like a nice person and I am sorry you are going through this.

Your husband reminds me of a friend I had many years ago. He was in a long term relationship but would cheat on his fiancé at every opportunity. Maybe it is, as you describe, an addiction but my friend definitely didn't see it like that. He had an absolute contempt for his fiancé (and mother of his children) and dumped her a few years after I lost contact with him after taking the best years of her life away from her and pretty much ruining any chance of a happy marriage for her. At no point in all of his dalliances did he ever express any remorse for what he was doing nor did he care what kind of effect it was having on her. He was always making up excuses for absences, love bites etc and I can easily imagine him using sex addiction as an excuse if things had come to a head.*

Maybe your husband is genuinely addicted and remorseful but if that is true and his family mean anything to him then he is currently moving heaven and earth to resolve the issue regardless of the time, effort and cost.

Or else he is like my friend who used to deflect all his shortcomings and turn them around on his partner while never really taking any responsibility for his own actions.

You are closest to the situation so can see what effort he is putting in.

Again I am really sorry for what you are going through as I know the support that is required with a young family.

*Reading what I just wrote I am actually embarrassed that I used to like this guy and probably enabled him to a degree.

Big Bag of Chips

Pawwed Rig above mentioned the support needed. I hope you have support. Not just the counsellor, but a friend you can confide in. I understand that it's not something you want to broadcast. You probably feel embarrassed yourself, and you also don't want to be disloyal to him and have people thinking badly of him. But I hope you're have one good level-headed friend. You don't need someone who will bull in telling you he's a prick and you have to leave him. You need someone who will listen, advise gently, let you get angry, let you get upset and most importantly let you work through everything you need to at your own pace. I hope you have at least one person that you can speak to. You're in a very lonely place.

Gusser09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058294119/sex-and-love-addiction-is-recovery-possible

Whats he like apart from the cheating? Is he a decent guy? A good father?

Only you can choose what to do. Not complete strangers on the internet.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120528693#Comment_120528693

Ah here. That's like asking a victim of domestic abuse if, aside from the violence and control, their partner is a decent guy and good father.

Gusser09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120528754#Comment_120528754

No its not.

chloe2009

He is a good father. And everyone loves him. They would actually be shocked if they knew about this because it’s so far from his normal personality. Makes me wonder if I ever knew the real him at all.

TheadoreT

If one of these women is eventually silly enough to not see him for what he is, make no mistake he'll have no remorse in dropping you for one of them. Surely you'd rather leave with some pride intact now than have him run off with a younger woman at some point in the future?

marilynrr

but I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced this, and recovered? Is it work sticking this out if the correct recovery methods are used?

I lived with an addict (drink and drugs). Those addictions still hurt the partner, they still cause trauma, some of it is the same kind as sex addiction (if that's really a thing), feeling abandoned, worthless because you're not good enough for them to choose over the substance etc. Lots of stuff, but when the addiction is other women that kind of thing is going to hit 1000 times as hard.

Separating the person from the behaviour tends to benefit the addict more so than the partner. The addict gets empathy, understanding and more chances, but it doesn't really benefit the partner, they still suffer greatly because it's very difficult to separate the person from the behaviour when it comes to how the trauma affects you.

Then there's the (high) chance of relapse, that's just more trauma for you, the more times you're betrayed you could toughen up in one sense and not feel like it's affecting you that much but under it all the trauma is building and building.

It's also very, very easy to just play the "It's an addiction" card when really it could just a choice and they just don't try to stop themselves. I'm sure you know others with a reputation for being a serial cheat, do you think differently of them now in light of your husband saying he has an addiction? Or do you see those people as different to your partner and if so why?

chloe2009

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120529210#Comment_120529210

This is very helpful - thanks for sharing your own experience. I can see what lies ahead and everything you say rings true. It’s such a devastating realisation. I need to find strength to get me through the next few weeks and months.

madeiracake

It's hard to hear but cheating is a choice. One he has made several times. He chose to lie, he chose to have sex with other people, he chose to treat you with utter disrespect and then pretend it was out of his control and manipulate you into thinking that somehow he is not responsible for his hurtful actions. He chose to do these things. He has shown you who he is, believe him. You cannot change his behaviour only your response to it. Grieve the husband you wanted but didn't get. You deserve so much better. It hurts less to believe it's an addiction but he didn't accidentally do this he has control over his behaviour.

chloe2009

Thank you. Yes, it’s very hard to hear but I know this is the case.

madeiracake

It really sucks. I'm in a sort of similar position. I'm splitting from my husband, he was using his long term illness as an excuse to emotionally, financially and physically abuse me. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was supposed to love me, so I enabled his **** behaviour by not calling it what it was. I am in counseling now, separating but living in the same house it's a nightmare but I will survive this. He still won't take responsibility for his actions but I am no longer putting up with it. Get counseling if you can and support from someone. You did nothing to cause this, so be kind to yourself. Nothing you did or didn't do made this happen.

chloe2009

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. That’s very difficult, especially when still living in the same home/close proximity. While my husband has moved out he is here a lot for the kids. I find this so difficult and it is impacting my ability to process all that has happened. But I need him to coparent, so I am stuck.

I hope that over time it becomes easier and I will be able to move on. I wish the same for you.

madeiracake

I know it's very hard to make a "clean break" when kids are involved. Just take it day by day and know you are doing the best you can. Some days are better than others but we will get there.