Ex SIL hates my family and took over the plans for my nieces wedding.

niallpatrick

Ex SIL insisted that no children under 12 years of age should attend, only one person my side has a child under 12 and thats my sister. So she's made sure my sister can't attend which annoyed my bro although he doesn't get on with my sister. He can be a spiteful tosser as well. I don't know why my niece has my wifes phone number but she's been pestering my wife for an RSVP. Caught my wife at a bad time and wife just told her we're not going, my wifes very fond of my sister and my wifes word is final and I'll never go against her wishes.

Our family has been through hell over the last 5 years with parental health issues and our dad dying from cancer which got into his spine, not a pretty sight and the ex SIL is still spiteful as hell. I'll give her what she wants, we're not going not even to the wedding let alone the reception which has annoyed my youngest sister 'she's still your niece and family' yeah? thats allright then my bro can give me back the last 5 years off my life when I was ran ragged working and seeing to our parents needs, 2 sisters and myself and wife on call for emergencies and transport. Where was the niece and bro then? away living their own lives buying new cars having holidays over seas and not once did the niece visit our parents.

Theres other issues, my ex SIL isn't of the same religion which didn't matter but since the divorce she's became more and more involved with loyalists, I don't use Facebook but my mum told me she'd been posting anti-Catholic hatred on her page. Last week I found out she cheated on my bro with a loyalist when they were still married, bro was over in England on managerial courses for his job at the time. Why do I feel like crap like I'm in the wrong? I don't hold grudges. Whats done was done but no way in hell could I sit there in the same room with someone who see's us as dirty taigs.

I have facebook for my oculus quest and I'm tempted to have a poke in the EX SIL facebook, not to use it against her but just to satisfy myself we're doing right by not going. I did state any flak directed at us by anyone you'll have to go through me first. The RSVP is now closed, thats for the reception but I could still go to the wedding. In my shoes would you go or stand by the original decision?

89897

How do you know it's your SIL that made these plans and not your niece?

If you really don't want to go, don't. If it's going to cause drama and a scene with your SIL at the wedding then for your nieces sake definitely don't go. And no, don't go on her Facebook no good will come of that.

Dial Hard

She's the mother of the bride, it's not uncommon for them to be heavily involved in the planning of the wedding. Hardly "taking over".

There seems like an *awful* lot of childish drama here for a bunch of supposed adults. First of all, I don't understand why your sister can't go to the wedding just because her child isn't invited. Again, "no children" weddings are extremely common. Tbh, the whole thing - your reaction as well as your wife's - seems to be driven by your dislike of your ex-SIL and a desire to somehow put her in her place by not attending. But tbh, she likely couldn't give shìt one whether you go or not, it's her daughter's wedding, you and your wife will be waaaaaay down her list of priorities.

If you love and have a good relationship with your niece, go to the wedding. Let your wife make her own decision. If you hate the entire family as much as you seem to, don't go. It really is as simple as that. And forget about the political nonsense and Facebook stalking 🙄

Loyalism isn't a religion, btw.

amdublin

???

It is hard to make head nor tails out of your post to be honest.

Why can your sister not go to a wedding just because she can't bring her child with her. Just leave the child at home with a minder. A lot of people request no children at weddings and a lot of people arrange baby sitters because of that. It is not an unusual request to say No Children.

Am I right in thinking that your wife has decided, that you and her are not going to the wedding because of your sister not going?? That seems petty and silly tbh.

You don't hold grudges you say? But...

"but no way in hell could I sit there in the same room with someone who see's us as dirty taigs."

"... I'm tempted to have a poke in the EX SIL facebook, not to use it against her but just to satisfy myself we're doing right by not going."

All sounds ridiculous and immature to be honest. You cannot control anyone else's actions. You can control yours. Your wife can control hers. Your sister can control hers. Your sister in law might be a lost cause. But you sound like you need to cop on and grow up. And your wife too.

niallpatrick

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120306250#Comment_120306250

The ex SIL may be the mother of the bride but it's my bro stumping up the money for the whole shindig, 'childish drama' If somebody doesn't want us there thats fine, and no I don't love my niece and I barely know her anyway. This is more of a family loyalty thing to my mum to at least show my freshly shaved and washed face for something I'd rather not be involved with.

I'm having self doubt, something I rarely experience or have to deal with as primary fixer and go-to guy

xzanti

Nothing brings up family drama faster than the planning of a wedding.

I agree that The Mother of the Bride is a big part of the wedding. The 'no kids' clause sounds fair enough to be honest. How do you know your niece is the only under 12 who has been excluded? There could be relations on the Grooms side with kids of that age group.

If I were in your shoes. Having already declined in the invitation. I would stay clear of the family and let them have their day. Stay dignified.

It sounds like your main focus has been your Dad's illness. Keep focusing on him and those who are slacking will have to live with their guilt.

Big Bag of Chips

Why did she have to pester you for an RSVP? Surely you'd let your family know pretty much immediately if you were going to your niece's wedding. It was decided no children under 12 were allowed attend. That doesn't exclude your sister. I wasn't at a wedding until I was 20. My parents on the other hand were at multiple weddings when we were children.

There's obviously a lot of anger from all corners of your family. You're not "giving your SIL what she wants" by not going to the wedding. If she didn't want you there you wouldn't have been invited. Asking you to RSVP is not pestering you. Did you originally want to go? If so a simple "we'll be there" would have sufficed. Catching your wife at a bad time shouldn't have changed the answer to the question. You either planned on going or you didn't. Maybe your wife was a bit hasty in turning down the invite for you. Maybe your annoyance should be directed at her rather than the people trying to organise the event.

Families are tough, and not all families get along happily. But if you only declined the invite to spite the mother-of-the-bride then it's not exactly working out as planned. She just wants numbers and is carrying on with the organising. Meanwhile you're sitting at home getting all worked up and dragging politics into it.

Neyite

It's pretty simple - it's an invite, not a summons.

If people can make it to the wedding, great. If not, aww too bad.

Typically the no-children rule is for guests, and it's common to have nieces and nephews there for some of the day at least but the rest of the guests are expected to come without their kids - however if it's an NI protestant family then chances are their wedding norms are indeed different to ours. So a no nephews and nieces rule might be the norm in NI, particularly Unionist families. I know the expectations of my UK family versus what the norm is for an Irish wedding, differed to the extent that the resident drama llama was in their absolute element with outrage at my wedding where XYZ wasn't done. 🙄

Anyway, whether your wife was right or wrong here in refusing to attend is irrelevant. You've made the decision now and you can't change the wishes of the bride and groom. IT's their day to do what they want with it. Send them a card and a gift. If you want to be petty send something re-gifted like a duvet set that's been hanging around your hot press. And plan to do something lovely on the day with family who aren't attending.

ChickenDish

Your wife made the right choice, forget about the family politics/dynamics it will all blow over. The tricky part is going to be not letting yourself dragged into pre wedding drama. Do whatever it takes, make BS excuses or deflect. Fact is you wouldnt enjoy the wedding and would regret going, you know your wife made the right choice, your just looking for someone to tell you its the right choice.

No sane person makes a no childern rule to the wedding which only excludes 1 12yr old child. Ex Sil sounds like a toxic ****, if anything you should be thankfull you wont have to deal with her. Take it as a small win, ignore FB checking it will serve no purpose other than to prove what you already know.

If I was in your position, holding a gun to my head couldnt make me go to that wedding. Wedding will come and go and nothing will change in your life.

niallpatrick

Thanks peeps all above, I've resolved it. I'm the problem. I've been with my wife 18 years and my family has done nothing but expect quite a lot of me when my focus should be on my wife primarily. She's never been second fiddle but I'm struggling trying to keep everyone happy. When my dad was ill I decided once the time comes when myself and wife can get out of this God forsaken town for good I don't want any loose ends once mum passes. That means cutting the rest off the family out from my life for good. I owe them nothing, no spite or bitterness I just want whatever time me and my wife have left we should be left alone in peace where we want to be.

In essence I'm weaning the rest of my family from me, they're going to have to realize and accept it.