Impact of divorce on young children?

My divorce should be finalised this year after many years of my ex dragging it out for tactical reasons. However, my three children, who are under 10, have not been told yet as there has been uncertainty about where everybody would be living as it is before the courts. As tension is high in the family home, where both parents remain, it is inevitable that the children will have to be told before it is known where they will be living, etc. Not ideal, but apparently the standard advice is to tell the kids sooner rather than later.

Is it all as negative for kids in this age group as people say, or is this just a cultural fear-of-the-unknown thing? Ireland's divorce rate is only 15.5%, the lowest in Europe, whereas Portugal, which has the highest divorce rate in Europe, has a divorce rate of 91.5% (https://www.statista.com/statistics/612207/divorce-rates-in-european-countries-per-100-marriages/). Is divorce really just the doom and gloom which Irish Catholic cultural prejudices contend it is, or can divorce be the start of better, happier days for kids? I don't know anybody who has got divorced with young kids in Ireland, nor do I know adults whose parents divorced when they were under 10. And, Irish people generally don't talk about such things so it's like a hidden world. Lastly, I don't know of a single book written about this topic so I can't access any experiences.

What sort of things should I be alert to in the kids at this age, and in the coming years? I hope to secure 50:50 shared parenting so I hope to look after the kids almost as much as I'm looking after them now (but in a healthier, post-divorce home). Are any adults out there products of their parents divorcing at this age? How did you deal with it? How long did it take to adapt to the new regime of two homes? Was it better, or worse, than living in a tension-filled home with their married parents? What things should I be alert to from the eyes of children? Thanks so much for any replies.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

I've moved your thread to Separation and Divorce OP, which might be a better fit for it.

Local Charter applies

HS

Goodigal

I suppose for your children, the idea that Mam and Dad are no longer in love with each other should be made known now, if the separation and living arrangements are going to change this year. Saying something like that is simple for children under 10.

My boys were 9 and 6 when my ex left the house. They are very happy and well adjusted children 5 years later. They stay overnight with their dad once a week as he didn't look for 50:50 arrangements so most day to day stuff falls to me. I admire people who share custody of the kids but there can be a lot of organising of bags, uniforms, homework etc when handover takes place midweek.

It's a difficult experience but improves over time as things become the new norm. Reassure the children they are much loved by both parents and the extended families. Best of luck with it all.

XsApollo

Been in the situation myself as a child and as a parent.

being in the situation as a child heavily influenced how I went about it being a parent I suppose.

one thing I didn’t like when I was a child was the set time for going to see my father, one thing that really stuck out was going to his house or whichever house it was didn’t feel like home, felt like visiting somebody else’s home , which in theory it was.

also the set schedule really annoyed me if it was ever cancelled, which in turn led to me not bothering anymore at a young age and harbouring a lot of resentment, which I still hold today.

now being the parent, i try not to have any schedule , I didn’t leave the family home until I had another place lined up, which took a few years and myself and my ex bought a second house,( I know that isn’t a luxury that a lot of people can do) but it was the only thing I wanted Out of the separation, I left a valuable house and whatever was inside behind , all I wanted was home for myself and something that my kids could relate to also, they have their owns rooms.

the arrangement for seeing the kids is fluid, the packing bags and going somewhere else for a specified time will become a chore in my own experince, so they can stay at mine whenever they like, as I am only over the road, which was another thing I wanted.

me and their mother are on good terms which helps massively so I can call there anytime , see them anytime and vice versa.

they have phones and can message or anything anytime they like. I make a concerted effort to never say no if they ask to come to mine, I’m always available.

Those are the 2 things that stood out for myself, which in turn led to what I wanted to do myself.

I think everybody is a lot happier with this arrangement than what it was like before.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120259775#Comment_120259775

No, "nesting" would not be possible as renting in Dublin is significantly more expensive than is the mortgage and it would be two people paying "dead money" that could go towards owning their own, smaller, homes. Moreover, nesting ensures both people are tied financially to each other and this would prevent either getting a mortgage in their own name as they would be on the hook for paying the existing mortgage. A clean break/fresh start would allow a new normal to be created without the toxicity of the financial interdependency/restrictions. It might work - for a limited time, I'd imagine - if a couple were loaded enough to own their own house each, and share ownership of that second house.