Husband Has Invited Rude In-Laws to Stay For Christmas

Big Bag of Chips

Am I right in thinking this has been going on for years? Some of the details in your posts are very familiar, you've posted about them before. I'm not exactly sure what you can do if your husband is not willing to respect your boundaries with regards to them. But I would stop politely biting your tongue. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow them to disrespect you. It sounds like you will not get any satisfaction one way or another, but you don't have to tolerate their rudeness or disrespect in your home.

You don't have to blow up at them. You can of course if you think it will make you feel better. But you can point out to them that they are being rude, or down right wrong in what they say. Your husband, maybe due to his history with them, is not likely to be able to stand up to them. Not yet. Maybe if you do, he might find the strength to eventually do it too.

I would not be leaving my house for them, but I would not be rolling out the red carpet either. Your husband shouldn't be asking them what dates they are coming for. They have decided that they are coming to you for Christmas this year. They don't get to decide the dates. You do. I would also be letting your husband do all the shopping, preparation and cooking. His parents already think you are useless so you should use that to your advantage. I wouldn't worry too much what they say to others about you. I'm pretty sure others know what they are like. As you said - you're not the only one they target.

seaninbayarea

I think you should email them and tell them your husband issued the invitation without discussing with you first, and you would much prefer it if they didn’t come. It’s the truth. Give husband chance to withdraw prior to sending , but send if he doesn’t. At least that way everyone knows where they stand.

ChickenDish

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119850482#Comment_119850482

Actually this could work a treat, I've a few gay friends and they can be quiet cutting to people they dislike. Assemble the troops and prepare them for war 😂 If hubby pipes up tell him "It's my house". Tell the friends to be camp as possible, loud as possible and rude as possible to the toxic inlaws. This tactic will undoubtedly discourage any further visits.

As for family outings on the Hubby's side, I'd dodge them like the plague, your not obliged to attend any of them. Personally I give zero fcuk's what they inlaws thought of me if they were like this. Personally I'm pretty lucky with my inlaws and any grief I've gotten off them was well deserved. Make sure the hubby tells the 2 toxic cnuts that Xmas will be like pride week in your house.

Big Bag of Chips

@ChickenDish and @northknife tone down the language. You are posting in the Personal Issues Forum.

Deeec

Tell your husband that they can come for christmas dinner but cant sleep in the house. This means you only have to put up with them in the house for a few hours. They can book into a hotel or drive back home after dinner. I suspect this will turn them off.

Or can you say that you and husband are going to your family for Christmas and say that husband wasnt aware of this.

Failing all the above you could always come down with covid on the 23rd December 😉😜

Cluedo Monopoly

Messy one but not uncommon.

Your husband is the main issue here and needs to back you. He should have done so from the beginning. Your core family is the most important. I would not tolerate disrespectful behaviour from any of my relations towards my wife.

Honestly I would recommend a counsellor for your husband. It sounds like he grew up in a very controlling and dishonest environment.

ManOfMystery

Totally agree here that your husband is the issue. The in-laws might be complete cretins, but he is the one who is allowing them to get away with it.

If my parents or siblings treated my wife in that kind of manner, no matter how good a relationship I have with them, I would be calling them out on it and if they refused to stop then I'd be cutting ties. You are his wife and he is meant to have your back, always.

His suggestion of you leaving your own home over Christmas just to facilitate their visit is ridiculous and totally out of place. He really needs to have a serious think about his perspective on all this.

Garibaldi?

Covid is your best ally here. Confirmed at the eleventh hour. "So unfortunate that plans need to be cancelled.But we understand that you folks are in a vulnerable age-group.We would never forgive ourselves if you became ill"(though by your descripction of them the Bubonic plague wouldnt touch them with a bargepole.) 🤣🤣🤣 Problem will not be totally eradicated, but the most effective method of eating an elephant is reputed to be in small bites. You can play it by ear after that.No need for a showdown.

Seth Brundle

In terms of suggestions that the OP should leave her home over Christmas while the in-laws come, this is not good advice and simply reaffirms the in-laws view that their daughter in-law (the OP) is the one with the problem.

The OP needs for her husband to recognise the problem (i.e. him) and man-up to his responsibilities and who his priority in life is. He needs to be loyal to his wife and not be hen-pecked by his parents. By inviting the parents knowing without discussing with the OP whilst aware that there is an issue shows how he is not being loyal to his wife, not treating her as an equal in the relationship. By defining their home together as his pretty much confirms this.

The OP needs to make it clear that her husband needs to treat her with the respect due and discuss matters such as this together. Then they need to discuss Christmas. If it does go ahead, then the OP needs for her husband to stand up to any demeaning or offensive remarks made by his parents. He needs to set the boundaries with them before they come and when doing this he needs to state that he will not stand for it and not in such a way that it becomes "DoneDealFan doesn't want you to say those things" which is the cowardly way.

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852616#Comment_119852616

I've been putting up with this for years. He has literally stood back and watched them be rude to me. Obviously it causes arguments between us. I'm always amazed at how he can shout at me storm off but he literally can't say boo to a goose when his parents are around. I guess its ok when its not you who is getting the snash?

Anyway, he was very vague with this with me initially because they won't firm up their plans. His mother emails him about not having seen him for a while but they literally drive past our home town regularly and won't visit, dating from long before I worked out what they were really like and there was no tension. They like to make him drive an 8 hour round trip to visit them. He has also revealed that they are passing close by our place next week on their way back from their holiday home (we live about 1 1/2 hours away from the ferry port). He has suggested that they call in on their drive back home for a visit, knowing I am going to be away on those days next week with work.

Surprise surprise, they won't commit to this but have said that they don't have time to stop and they will be passing by around 2pm. Of course he won't be back from work until 6pm so he has suggested they meet him at the town he works in instead, which is also on their route home. This could be interesting, as he has never previously questioned their plans or made more suggestions to them. I know perfectly well that they won't, they won't put themselves out and they only like seeing people when they have to run around in circles changing their plans.

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852862#Comment_119852862

Unfortunately, the parents in law have absolutely no fear of covid. They think its all a hoax (while being unvaccinated up to the nines) and paid little attention to lockdowns. What would work is inviting other people over, and making them aware that they won't be the centre of attention and that there will be other people there to observe their bad behaviour. They almost certainly won't come if I do that. Since I'm being ignored, I will get my husband to email them to arrange rooms, etc eg "We were thinking of putting you in the back bedroom because Sue and her husband are staying in the front one because they've managed to get a babysitter, and Paul and David are going in the room next to the conservatory. Theres also quite a few more people dropping in as we've decided to invite quite a few round. They're all looking forward to meeting you!"

joe40

That is an awkward situation but there is no way you should be disrespected like that in your own home. Will there be children involved with Santa presents etc. It would be totally unfair to ruin their christmas with tension in the house.

For what it's worth I would probably let the visit go ahead, but do not put yourself to any hassle hosting. Let your husband do the cooking/entertaining etc.

Also 70s is not elderly if they're in good health.

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119853046#Comment_119853046

We don't have children. Theres absolutely no way though that I would let them near my children, if I had them. I wouldn't want them to see that behaviour or listen to some of the things they say, or worse still, be influenced by it and think its ok!

I've honestly had enough. It won't be happening. I am not having them stay here.

northknife

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852960#Comment_119852960

That's a really good one. I'd go with that and let them mull over it for a few days and my guess would be that they will make other plans.

I wouldn't even say you were "thinking" of putting them in the back(box) room. Just do it. They are going there and that's it.

If your husband has a problem with this I'd advise him to get a blowup bed so that he can sleep on the floor beside them

Irish_rat

The problem here is not your in-laws per se but your husband.

My mother has always made comments about ex's I've been with in my 20's to me. It's all of this mentality that I'm still her little boy.

Over the last year I've been with a foreign gf and a little older and the comments have started again without even meeting her. I mid 30's now and don't put up with any rubbish so I basically put her in her place. Obviously things will get interesting when she meets them but I'll always back her up and never put through a situation like your husband is doing.

Your husband should be shielding you away from a lot of this nonsense and keeping things at arms length. Sure family is important but he didn't marry them. He should be at your side through all of it.

pauly58

I feel very sorry for you, your husband sounds a bit of a pig & a spineless one at that. I wonder just how happy your marriage really is.

We had a similar situation many years ago, my parents just announced they were coming over from the UK to stay with us for Christmas. My wife was ill at the time, we had a farm to run & the boys were both very young, toddlers in fact. I was blunt on the phone & said I thought they might have asked first, after much huffiness, she agreed to forget the idea. It was all my mother's doing anyway.

I can't see an easy way round your problem, but I certainly wouldn't go away, rather give your husband an ultimatum ; the mammy or you.

AndyBoBandy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852960#Comment_119852960

"We were thinking of putting you in the back bedroom because Sue and her husband are staying in the front one because they've managed to get a babysitter, and Paul and David are going in the room next to the conservatory. Theres also quite a few more people dropping in as we've decided to invite quite a few round. They're all looking forward to meeting you!"

This sort of line would be prefect, but I'd change Sue and her Husband to Fabio & his gimp, Pascal

But seriously, yes, let them know that they won't be alone, and others will be there.... and I bet they either don't come, or come for a flying visit...

mumo3

Jesus my back is up for you, and I've no idea who you are, but I've been there but with my husbands sister in law.

Just remember they are visitors in your home, and I would be reminding them of that if they feel the need to make a snide comment. Don't even look for your husband for back up, he's not getting off that fence. You need to remember you're in this fight alone and go at it by only worrying about your feelings and not how he's going to feel if you react to their behaviour.

Take it as nothing more than marking your territory and why shouldn't you be marking it?

I personally would go out of my way to make them feel uncomfortable, without dropping the welcoming smile. (it's a skill I've obtained over the years 😂)

PS: who gives a sh!t if they like you..... they don't pay your bills, so their opinion has no impact on your life.

Neyite

Well you've given this a lot of thought, and while yes, you do have a Husband problem, the one he has of Fear Obligation & Guilt (FOG) can take a very long time to fight his way out of particularly if they are difficult people like in this case. This has been going on all his life, so to be fair to him it's hardly possible for him to have it sorted by Christmas.

I suggest asking him if you can both talk about this calmly. You've your reasons for intensely disliking this proposal but he likely has too - and he's so enmeshed that it's impossible for him to address it without a lot of work. He was probably manipulated into offering or was told they were coming and he's never known how to say no to them (and they DO sound like total doses!)by any chance does he have a sibling who is the golden child and can do no wrong? if so then it's classic FOG and they are well versed in manipulative tactics.

So, neither of you want them to come. He'd like to show off the house, that may be the family scapegoat trying to impress them and finally gain approval that he never ever got. You know they are awful to everyone, not just you. Toxic Parents by Susan Foward is a book that I've often seen recommended in similar situations.

I wonder if you asked him to communicate that you will be there for the entire Christmas, and are adamant that you will not be leaving your own house to accommodate anyone and that you have several friends who will also be staying, would it put them off coming? I would not put a single thing in writing, you are right there.

The other option is to take the blame. They already hate you it seems for no reason so does it really matter if they hate you for the time you Ruined Christmas, along with all the other imaginary stuff? Tell him to say that DoneDealFan wont have them to stay because they've made it clear that they want zero relationship with you. If they get offended and tell everyone how awful you are, you might get several years peace!

DoneDealFan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119853977#Comment_119853977

I'd say this is spot on. His younger brother is the Golden Child, but the strange thing is, the parents in law are worse to anyone who is more successful or has had a more interesting life than them. So in no way would my husband be a scapegoat in anyone else's mind - he's got a better job than anyone else in the family, a nicer house, lives in a more expensive part of the country, etc, but a bit like with me, they seem to be viewing him as the poor relation. .And all you do with people like that is just sort of look at them in astonishment and then avoid them because they're odd. Although I've said absolutely nothing sharp to them at all so far, I just realise I've reached either the stage or the age where I can hold back no longer.

Being charitable, its because we don't fit in to their world any more.

I'm just refusing to engage at all. I'm going to tell him to send the email about how they will be welcome to join the large group we have staying for Christmas. I've probably been given the blame anyway!

Neyite

Your husband could be wildly successful - Bezos successful and it wouldn't change anything. The dynamic was set back in childhood. Trust me, I know!

They need the scapegoats to do poorly in life to fit in with their perception. So while they can't really ignore the good career, the success, the nice house in a nice area, something needs to be deficient - and in your case it looks like they've decided his choice of wife is their hill to die on. And they are probably massively resentful that their Golden boy isn't shining brighter - even if the brothers were roughly equal in terms of success, it wouldn't be enough. They need your husband to have some sort of screw up in his life and for the brother to have the world at his feet.

Meanwhile your husband will continue to do well in life hoping that some day his efforts will finally make his parents proud of him. But his success will just breed more contempt and resentment. Maybe after Christmas and when the dust has settled, it might be worth seeing if he would be willing to do some therapy for this. He might not but worth a try.

I think the approach to Christmas is a good one - it's not confrontational, it's not refusing to have them or giving them any cause to accuse you of ruining their Christmas, you are being welcoming, and rising above previous accusations. And hopefully they won't want to come if there's a houseful and even if they do, their vitriol will be diluted somewhat.

nelly17

Return the favour email them some Air BNB links for somewhere to stay while they visit. Oh and have a word with your OH - thats bad form inviting them knowing things are not good between you and the in laws.

ManOfMystery

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119852956#Comment_119852956

If it has been going on for years, then he's unlikely to change or even to want to change of his own accord.

The relevant question now is - are YOU prepared to keep putting up with it?

Even if the Christmas issue for this year is magically sorted to everyone's pleasing, there remains the fundamental crux of all that's going on - that your husband is not backing you or defending you, and seems to be choosing his family's well-being over yours. It will rear it's head again - next Christmas, the Christmas after, other family social events, etc. Each one wearing you down a little more.

To me, that is a dealbreaker. If your partner chooses others over you and doesn't have your back, what is the point in having a 'partner' at all?

HazeDoll

I think in this situation I'd be inclined to do exactly as your husband suggests. Christmas is always such a grim anticlimax anyway, you have a perfect excuse to not to get bogged down in it. Clear out for the duration of the visit, go somewhere nice and make the most of a bit of quality time either alone or with a friend. You might have a single friend who is at a loose end for Christmas and might jump at a madcap idea like a few days somewhere sunny or snowy or something. Your husband's Christmas present to you could be a contribution towards the cost of the holiday. Don't do any of the cleaning, shopping or cooking in preparation for the visit. Have nothing to do with it. Avoid conflict, don't be stubborn or self-righteous about it, just don't get involved. Of course his family will say that you're a terrible wife who deserted their darling boy during the holy festive season, but that's not your problem.

Of course this doesn't solve the difficulty that is at the heart of this. Your husband has shown an upsetting disregard for your feelings and for the marriage. It's probably a symptom of how little regard he has for himself where his family is concerned if he reverts so thoughtlessly to the role of the dutiful son. The fact that he storms off when you try to talk to him is almost certainly because he knows he's not the hero of the piece and knows he can't really defend himself.

This is a conversation you'll have to have with him. Lay it out very clearly. "The whole thing is hurtful and here's why..." In fact it might be better to take a little time to write it out in a letter for him so he doesn't escalate it into an argument or storm off. Try to avoid any point-scoring or direct accusations, instead emphasise the angle that there is a serious problem in your relationship and you need to find a solution together. If he isn't at all willing to see things from your point of view I'd be inclined to lay it on the line for him. Remind him that you have clearly explained why this is hurtful but he is choosing to carry on prioritising his awful family. This will carry a lot more weight if you have the conversation after the Christmas adventure I suggested in the first paragraph, when he knows you are capable of leaving him to his own devices if he doesn't consider your feelings.

JoChervil

OP, you obviously married a kid, who never grew up.

I agree with Neyite, he won't grow up till Christmas as well. He needs long therapy for it.

And I agree with others. You need to team up with others to at least overcrowd them. I mean them plus your husband, so you need at least three friends there to win this situation. And I would stand up to any nasty remarks they would make. Just prepare few quick responses. I like the one from the "Shadowlands", when Debra asked: " are you trying to be rude or are you simply stupid?"

saabsaab

Have they a dislike of cats, dogs or rabbits?

Honestly, the more I think about it, I think I'd take him up on his offer and feck off for christmas.

I'd be gathering as many of the friends who are interested and head somewhere like this for the week, and have a christmas you'll enjoy.

https://www.airbnb.ie/rooms/559837917380039276?adults=5&check_in=2022-12-22&check_out=2022-12-29&source_impression_id=p3_1668207149_uYWgMDxoDXgc%2F242

Leave him to his horrible parents. I wouldn't even phone to check on him or send him a merry christmas text!

DoneDealFan

Its got worse. They have now invited themselves to my house tomorrow "to see me". This came about because they are driving back from their holiday home and for the first time ever, have decided to visit their son. Perhaps they have some inkling that he is getting wise to them too. Anyway, it went like this: they invited themselves for "some day next week" and my husband pointed out that we were working and suggested they meet him for lunch in the city he works in. I work more locally. They said "oh thats fine, we will turn up at 5pm when DoneDealFan will be back from work". I teach an evening class that day and stupidly my husband told them this and that I would be free in the afternoon as wfh until teaching that evening. So they then invited themselves to come earlier. They have absolutely no respect for the fact that people have jobs and think you can just stop working to meet them.

Even more strangely, they have this luxury motorhome, which they insist on staying in when not in their own home or holiday home. You might think this is less bother but I think in their case they do it out of some power trip/game. So they have booked a local campsite. This means we can't have them here to stay or cook for them, so husband is taking them out to a restaurant of their choice (he will be paying). I won't be there (thank goodness) because I am working. We obviously said if you really don't want a room in our house, you can easily park here (we have loads of room) but no, they are staying at the campsite. Its all so awkward. I mean obviously after refusing us our request to stay in their holiday home, they can't exactly stay here so they have shot themselves in the foot to some extent. So now we all have to go along with this weirdness.

Husband is trying to sell this to me on the basis that if they come now, they are less likely to come at Christmas (they can't make a date and stick to it anyway). I really just don't want to see them at all, particularly not in my own house. They are always incredibly insulting to me and its just awful. Inviting themselves to my house while I'm on my own is like an attack on somewhere I should be safe from them and their carry on.

I know I will explode and tell them some home truths. I have warned husband about this but as usual he just goes along with what they say. I won't explode nastily, I am very well educated and tend to be more cutting and suggestive rather than aggressive and accusative like they are, but they will know.

I also have my suspicions that they are after something. They have spent years showing very little interest in their son, driving past our house on their way back from their holiday home and ignoring invites to call in, not supporting him at sporting events close to their main home, etc but they live an unfeasibly lavish lifestyle for two retired people who had very ordinary jobs (one of whom stopped working at 50, the other at 57) and I suspect they have burned their way through an inheritance. They are increasingly claiming that they are poor - the latest thing was to claim they couldn't afford a roofer to fix fallen slates back onto their roof and to fix a leaking tap, so my husband (who is neither a roofer nor a plumber) had to drive all the way up there to do it for them. Because obviously they can't get a roofer or a plumber out like anyone else has to or get an annual roof check and they need to have a 6 bedroom house, a holiday home, a motorhome, a Carribean cruise and 2 cars... I think they are trying to soften us up for something to do with monetary help or some other strange plan - they're unpredictable. I could be wrong of course and doing them a disservice, but I do think they're up to something. It won't be about their will as they have made us aware for years that they are goign to spend it all and leave us nothing, and being left a French house is a nightmare anyway because you have to pay something like 60% tax on any inheritance up front and we don't want it.

The one bright spot is that I've explained all of this to my sister and cousins, and they are all coming just after Christmas to stay. There are quite a few of them, they're all lovely people with nice husbands/wives and great company. While in a normal family it would be a great chance for both sides of the extended family to meet again, I know for sure that my inlaws will steer well clear because too many people around will spoil their little games.

So its looking likely that I will save this Christmas for a bit of short term pain tomorrow.

I honestly have no problem with family staying over and look forward to them doing so, but years of incredible rudeness from inlaws and generally strange, manipulative behaviour has made me very wary.

Apologies for so long, I'm dreading this!

Panthro

Godspeed donedealfan. If I'd some sort of flag outside I'd put it at half mast in your honour!😁

Can you not tell them you're working away from home/out on site/off to the office and will be away in the evening? And let oul hubby deal with their sheeeite?

I just sense if you're there on your own with them, you're being set up.

Maybe they want to mend fences cos they're flat broke and suddenly realise there might be moola in your home they can manipulate out of ye.

I still think you're not seeing the bigger picture here op, again your husband has set you up and it's totally unacceptable. I think you should just say that you won't be meeting them in your house or anywhere else, let your husband arrange his day around them if he wants, say no and mean no, I'd never interact with them again tbh, let your husband do what he wants with them.