31 year old single childess female

onelove1

Starting to panic a bit I won't lie 🙄 can anyone relate?

Have even been debating hitting my ex up......

dotsman

A) is having kids critical to you?

B) why are you panicked? Am 40, and of all my friends of similar age who are now burdened with kids, the vast majority hadn't even met their respective husbands/wives at 31.

C) besides the "sperm-donor" (which is all you seem to think of in a father), how prepared are you for marriage/motherhood? Career? Housing situation? Maturity wrt life-long relationships?

Geuze

The average age at first maternity is 31.6 years.

https://www.cso.ie/en/releasesandpublications/ep/p-vsys/vitalstatisticsyearlysummary2021/

screamer

I can’t relate but I can share some insight. I have 4 kids and a great husband but I tell you one thing kids are hard work. You really don’t know how much till you have one. I take my hat off to any genuinely single parents doing it all on their own, kids are great but it’s bloody hard work, and my advise for what it’s worth is don’t panic. I had my last baby at 41!

Ubbquittious

Kids make a lot of noise and they have no off button. Are you sure?

Count Dracula

Far too much pressure placed on people to have kids.

Why have you contemplated your ex?

YellowLead

Maybe panic in 10 years time - if children are really important to you. Right now? You’re still very young and many people don’t meet their partners in their 20s but in their 30s these days, which you have only started.

You’re allowed a mini freak out at 35 - don’t be that age looking back thinking how young and easy you had it at 31 and why did you panic :)

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728204#Comment_119728204

It's when you have your first not your last that's important - the younger the better.

screamer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728514#Comment_119728514

Age is just one factor, it’s not the only thing that should be taken into account, and a lot of people would disagree with the younger the better. The more prepared the better, age aside.

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728514#Comment_119728514

Why do you think "the younger the better"? The best age is simply when one is ready to have kids - mature, financially capable of raising children, stable relationship with life partner, secure housing, career objectives on track/met, travelling done, happy to have a very minimal social life etc. Very few people have that in their early 30's, let alone their 20's.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728652#Comment_119728652

The OP is concerned about her biological clock, biologically the younger the better.

BorneTobyWilde

It should be like dogs, get one at the pound, or seeing as it's a kid adopt, so many kids need a home,

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728671#Comment_119728671

This is probably the most ignorant comment I've ever read on this site. Adoption is nigh on impossible in Ireland, and to adopt from overseas can cost €50k plus.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, given its a discussion you're looking for as opposed to advice, I'll move your thread to the Ladies Lounge which is probably a better fit for it.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728652#Comment_119728652

Nice subtle dig at younger parents there

onelove1

Yes having kids is critical to me and yes biological clock ticking loudly :(

Panicked that I'm behind in life I meant or that time is running is out......

I know there's lots of extra risks for mother and baby when mother is older than 35 also.

I never imagined myself as an older parent either I guess. My life really just hasn't turned out how I'd expected or planned for it to go.

Packrat

Hpefully some constructive advice/anecdote.

I as a man was looking when i was around 34 - 36 and by what we read, I should have been swimming in a pool of lovely 30 to 35 year old women ready to settle down. Not so. There were many who didn't want kids, many who weren't going out to pubs/clubs so i never met them, many who had other issues. (I'm sure the pool of men is similar)

The reality I found is that yes, - as is regularly posted here and in every post about this subject, - many of the 'best' ones are already hooked up at that age, but there were still the occasional people who want exactly whatever it is that you offer and want too.

Patience and think outside the box with regard to meeting them. They're there and some of them want what you want.

Internet dating was only getting going properly then but is now a cesspool/frustrating hookup medium. It worked for us but from what I read now isn't that helpful.

The best bit of advice I could give you is to look at what you want your life to be like - and be realistic as to what it's probably going to be like - look at your friends who are married and happy and at the type of people they picked, where they live, what they do on a daily basis (not the amazing photos from the most amazing holiday they took) If you're looking for an amazing 35 year old Spaniard who travels the world, - he's not looking to settle down with 3 kids in Castleknock or Castleisland.

Analyse who it is you're looking for and figure out what these people do/where they go/where to meet them.

Best of luck, but stop panicking or hide it better.

El Gato De Negocios

I didnt meet my wife til she was 34, we didnt have our first child until she was almost 39 and had our second when she had turned 40. There is plenty of time for you. Now thats not me trying to downplay how you are feeling or anything like that, more to try to illustrate that all is not lost just because you are over 30.

Havenowt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728688#Comment_119728688

Why is adoption so hard in ireland?

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728652#Comment_119728652

Except you are considered a geriatric over 35 and you have a higher risk of complications. I know 2 people in their early 40s who Just had babies with DS

Tombo2001

I'd counter a lot of the comments here which seem to say no big rush - the prevailing view on this discussion and in Ireland in general, is take your time, not big rush - having your first kid in mid-30s is not an issue.

And I guess to be fair by and large it is fine.

However, without question, you have more energy in your late 20s and early 30s than you do in your 40s / 50s.

You have a child at 38, then you have a 10-year old at 48...... that ten year old wants to play football or chasing or run around the playground with you for a few hours, you've less energy to do it.

.....

On a different note - OP, could you please respond to posts, just to show that this isnt one of those 'Boards.ie random new account starts provocative thread and then f**ks off never to be seen again' threads. Its a sensitive subject.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729199#Comment_119729199

Because virtually no children are given up for adoption anymore.

zg3409

Firstly as said do you have housing and the finances to take 9 months maternity leave etc?

Secondly are you actively dating, joining clubs where you are more likely to meet people, putting yourself out there?

Even if you meet someone this year it's not advisable to get pregnant straight away. Wait until " honeymoon " period is over 6+ months or a year.

If you want it to happen quickly you need to make steps towards it happening. Would you be willing to move to where they live? Would you change jobs to share accomodation. Living with someone for 6+ months tells you a lot.

Try look outside your local area. Try find someone with similar hobbies or interests even if it's just travelling or going to the movies. Try join clubs with lots of male members. Ask people out. Take say one night a week to go on dates and actively build up a vetting and selection process for separating the time wasters from candidates.

Many men dont consider kids until they are in their thirties.

machiavellianme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729253#Comment_119729253

And getting an overseas adoption takes years (if at all) due to the cost, waiting times and bureaucratic hurdles.

magicbastarder

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729199#Comment_119729199

because very few people give their kids up for adoption, and you have to go abroad.

jrosen

Your not that old, I know a fair few women who were in their 30's before they met someone they wanted to start a family with. I think the plus side of your age is that alot of people have kissed their frogs and are clearer in what they want.

Id give yourself a year, really put yourself out there. As said think outside the box. Join clubs, would you consider a single holiday? There are groups like walking groups/yoga holidays that attract lots of single travellers.

Outside of that there is always the option of sperm donation and fertility treatment. Its an expense alright but accessible in ireland to single women.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058266921/31-year-old-single-childess-female

I don't know if it's a relationship, child or both you want but I went through the societal pressures in my late 20s of 'wanting' a relationship, it's not nice as you know. Sadly theres no guarantees of if and when you meet your next potential partner. And no doubt your ex is an ex for a reason.

If you're worried about having kids just freeze your eggs in the mean time and maybe you could get a little lovely pet if you don't have one already. Not everyone feels the same, but I was at a kids birthday party over the weekend, don't get me wrong, they're lovely but oh my god the noise of them, I'm so thankful to be childless and not have that level of responsibility that you can't go back on, my nephews, niece's and God children keep me more than busy in that department.

cezanne

Why dont you consider being a foster parent they are crying out for foster homes for children then you'd be "trying it without buying" . A foster can be a month anew born or a yearling in need of respite for 6 or 8 weeks or years depending on your time available.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729199#Comment_119729199

Availability of contraception, decline of religious influence and state supports for single parents are all contributory factors. For better or worse.

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728659#Comment_119728659

So - you are saying 13/14 is the best age to have kids? Really?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119728928#Comment_119728928

Not sure how you came to that conclusion. I didn't mention a specific age. I simply said "the best age is whatever age they are ready". Do you not agree? How is this a "dig" at anyone?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729225#Comment_119729225

A 36-year-old woman being considered a "geriatric" is taking it a bit far (and you have probably offended a lot of ladies on here 😁) . Yes, there are increased risks, and they increase greatly as you go into your 40's. But it is not that big a risk in your late 30's. If we want to go with anecdotal evidence, none of my friend's spitting out babies in their mid-late 30's have had a DS baby. So, its probably better to go with official stats. At 35, the chance of DS is 1 in 400, rising to 1 in 30 at age 45.

But there are also huge risks having kids earlier in life, like not being able to financially support them, not being in a mature, stable relationship, not having a secure/suitable home, trying to balance hectic social life with children, trying to balance career-ladder-climbing with maternity leave and competing priorities (or simply exhaustion!) in the initial years of the child's life etc.

Like most things in life, it is about balance. Very few people actually get to have everything perfect (perfect husband/job/family/house/finances/life etc) and expectations have to be constantly reassessed. For most (not all) women planning a family, that balance is usually found in their mid-late 30's.

ec18

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729859#Comment_119729859

In pregnancy terms anyone over 35 is considered a geriatric mother. While no one is saying that it's guaranteed there is evidence that the older you get the more are risk you are and the baby are for complications.

And no one is suggesting 13/14 is the best age to have kids, just that it's easier when you are younger for both the mother and having the energy available to deal with them. Biology doesn't keep up with changing society, back 3/400 years ago the average age of mothers probably was 13/14, but that's many different worlds ago and not acceptable.

[QUOTE]What can I expect from a geriatric pregnancy?

Geriatric Pregnancy Risks

High blood pressure, which can lead to preeclampsia (dangerously high blood pressure and organ damage) Gestational diabetes. Miscarriage or stillbirth. Labor problems that require you to have a C-section.[/QUOTE]

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729100#Comment_119729100

Yes having kids is critical to me and yes biological clock ticking loudly :(

OK, look at that as a good thing. At least you know it is very important to you. A significant amount of people at your age are tentative on the subject, so you are in a far better position than them!

Panicked that I'm behind in life I meant or that time is running is out......

Don't worry. It is not. Don't get me wrong - you don't have forever, but there is still plenty of time for things to happen.

I know there's lots of extra risks for mother and baby when mother is older than 35 also.

There are some health risks (for mother and child), but they are still relatively low in your late 30's.

I never imagined myself as an older parent either I guess. My life really just hasn't turned out how I'd expected or planned for it to go.

Don't worry - life rarely turns out how one expects/plans when they are young. You just need to reassess (again and again throughout your life), and set realistic goals and work towards them.

Where are you in your career and are you happy with it? How are you financially? How close are you to having a secure and suitable home for a family? Are you happy that you have accomplished a lot of travel/hobbies goals etc? - i.e. are you, as a person, ready to start having a children? As tough as it may sound, this is the easiest part, as this is all about you and mainly within your own control.

Now, with "you" sorted (or at least a plan to do so), you will also need a daddy!

How have your relationships been to date? What have you looked for in men and what have you expected from a relationship to date, and how has that worked out? What qualities do you think are important for a man to be a good husband and father (and how closely aligned is that to the men you normally go for)? What qualities do you think are important for a woman to be a good wife and mother (and how closely aligned are they to the real you)? What would your ex-boyfriends realistically say about you and would it tally with how you view yourself? What are you doing about trying to meet these "suitable husbands/fathers" and what are you bringing to the relationship to both attract and, more importantly, build a life-long relationship with one of these "suitable husbands/fathers". There is never a guarantee that you will meet someone, but at least if you know what you are looking for and are actively pursuing, the chances of finding a suitable candidate increase dramatically.

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729859#Comment_119729859

I did insult them. It’s the correct ter, for those over 35.

you may want to look up the risks associated with geriatric pregnancies

Caranica

Is your priority having a child and is that more important than being in a relationship with the father? I know several women who've gone the sperm bank route. That's a whole lot easier than finding a partner to have kids with. Though as a woman in my 40s dipping my toe into online dating, I rule out at least 50% of the guys I see because they have/want kids and I most definitely don't.

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119730089#Comment_119730089

You may want to know that very few health professionals use that term anymore as it is regarded as offensive/misleading by many women. I am well aware of the risks - as I stated earlier, they do increase from the mid-thirties, but are still very low in the late-thirties.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119730093#Comment_119730093

Is raising a child alone easier than finding a man? Especially when "alone" in this case also includes zero financial support as well as none of the potential part-time parenting support that a divorced/split-up mother may have from the father? I can appreciate it as a last resort, but don't think a 31-year old needs to abandon the hope of finding a husband just yet.

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119730089#Comment_119730089

Actually, the term is "geriatric primogravida" for a first pregnancy over 30. It's an obstetric, medical term and in no way implies that a woman is past having a healthy pregnancy and delivery. It just signifies increased risks of complications and these risks can be monitored and managed. They are risks, not certainties.

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119730724#Comment_119730724

It’s 35 not 30 and geriatric pregnancy is the accepted term.

risks can be managed ? some risks can be managed but not mitigated against. There are many risks that can’t be

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119730657#Comment_119730657

many health professionals use the term as they prefer to use science based data. Rather than hiding it

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119731460#Comment_119731460

I don't want to get into a tit-for-tat with you on this, but as a "term", most health professionals these days (especially the good ones) refer to it as "advanced maternal age" because "geriatric" is misleading and just wrong. Having children in your late 30's is becoming the norm and while the risks are increasing, it is still a very low risk age.

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729859#Comment_119729859

Geriatric is the terminology. Take that up with the medical professionals if you think it's insensitive.

lawred2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119731702#Comment_119731702

hmmmm was used to describe my wife in the Rotunda only last year... we all have our anecdotes

walshb

OP, this 2022. You’re still young, with possibly 12-15 years of biology still on your side. Many many first time mothers are late 30s these days. Plenty aged 40 and over as well. It’s not unnatural or unnormal (is that a word)?

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119731748#Comment_119731748

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119731754#Comment_119731754

Read the post above yours...

Yes, there may be some geriatric healthcare workers who use the term, but most don't any more. And this is really taking the thread off-topic, so won't say any more on it. If you want to learn more, simply google the term.

Loafing Oaf

Loadsa time left for you OP

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-11304637/Hilary-Swank-48-returns-film-set-announcing-pregnant-twins.html

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119732791#Comment_119732791

A Hollywood actress with access to the kind of private medical intervention most mere mortals could only dream of? Yeah, not very reassuring to the OP. She's also stated she wants to be a young parent so waiting until she's pushing 50 to start a family probably isn't going to be of any relevance to her.

boardlady

OP, you have received lots of conflicting advice. Here's my tuppence worth!

I understand where you are coming from if you are hearing your clock ticking loudly now. Fertility does decline sharply by 35 and it is worth noting that a lot of women who are having babies in their late 30s and into their 40s are doing so with medical assistance. It can be as minimal as taking a few tablets, or as invasive and harrowing as IVF. For those who have conceived without issue in their late 30s, this is simply not an argument for them. For those who have experienced problems with conception as any age, this is a huge factor to consider. HOWEVER, others have wisely pointed out that having a baby is multi faceted and you should probably be considering all the other factors too! A sperm donor/ ex boyfriend may be a quick solution, but a more rounded plan would probably be a good idea!

Equally, nothing will doom a relationship quicker than a smack of desperation off either party. If you are meeting guys with the sole aim to procreate - and as soon as possible - then you may be on a bit of self-destruct mission. I do understand how difficult it is to control those emotions though. How about doing some research into the costs/practicalities of freezing your eggs? Then you might have a bit of sense of control over the whole issue and it might give you a bit of head space to put energy into a new relationship? You might also meet a like-minded guy who is only too happy to leap into parenthood.

Either way, I wish you the best and try to tread carefully!

ted1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119733609#Comment_119733609

Also with twins you can be pretty sure it was IVF

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119733969#Comment_119733969

And one of each as well. Seems to be a lot of boy/girl twins in celebrity circles.

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119729199#Comment_119729199

Kids aren't found under cabbage bushes any more, and the storks went on strike.

cena

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058266921/31-year-old-single-childess-female

37 old guy here. I thought I would have at least one child by now. Still single too, no luck with the dating app etc

pinkfloyd34

I think single people can Foster a child, think of all the children that are neglected for different reasons and you could give a child a better life even just temporarily and see how much work it is, just a suggestion there is also an allowance to cover the expenses.