Should I cut off my family again?

TheGlossy

Hi all,

I previously posted about how I was estranged from my family for 6 years (because of my abusive and unstable mother) and they tracked me down after my dad died to sort out his estate. I’ve since been stuck in an administrative loop with has caused me to spend €2,000 between fees and travel expenses. Neither my mother nor my siblings have offered to help with anything whether financially or administrative wise. It’s all been on my shoulders to benefit someone who caused me a lot of trauma and pain (my mother) when I’m personally not getting a penny.

I traveled to meet with the notary today and called my mother yesterday to tell her I won’t be dropping by her house as I was only traveling for the paperwork and retuning right away. She said all fine and me calling was sufficient. I had it in my mind I wasn’t going to see her, so I was more comfortable.

Then I was waiting in front of the notary’s office when I saw her in my brothers car. My brother and sister were attending the meeting, not my mother as she’s illeterate and I have a POA to act on her behalf. I made it very clear to everyone yesterday I was not in a position to see her yet my siblings failed to tell me she was coming. It was a bad surprise.

Fast forward, we got through the meeting my siblings and I. As soon as I exited the notary’s office there she was, was in my face within 20s. She didn’t even ask me how I was doing (I hadn’t seen her since the funeral months ago) or if I had a nice flight. She stood there and asked “So what did the notary say about getting my money back?”.

I explained to the process to her very politely and then out of the blue, she said “don’t you dare talk to me like that” and started an argument. I promise I said nothing rude or out of line. She just started an argument out of nowhere (like she did when I was a child/teenager and did the same with my dad). Then I told her, I’ll link in with my siblings on the process and I said “I’m leaving now” and walked away. She asked me why I just said I’ve had enough. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and a multitude of things and she jumps to my face to start drama.

Then I left her standing there with my siblings and I walked away. I didn’t say goodbye or anything. I cut the whole drama short and left because I simply had enough of her mistreatment.

I had just taken a hit of a couple of hundreds in notary fees because my siblings said they didn’t have enough and I’ve been exhausting myself for months for her to get her money (I’m getting zero from this) and she dares to yell at me and start a fight in front of the notary’s office.

Not to mention, I was not at all prepared to see her, so when I saw her, I froze. I get a bad physical reaction when she’s around.

I feel backstabbed by my siblings who knew I was only here to do my business and brought her along for her to cause a scene and accuse me of speaking badly when I didn’t.

Should I cut them all off again?

Jequ0n

Your siblings knew she was hovering outside, even if they might have thought that she wouldn’t interfere. They have known her long enough to know what she is like.

Cut them all off and let them burn. It will be fun to watch when you are no longer involved. It’s not your job to look after them.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119551456#Comment_119551456

I’m pretty sure she told them “I want to see her anyway” and forced her way into coming to with. They knew she would try to interact with me. As said they know what she is like. No way they didn’t know.

I felt bad about cutting them off again when they’re grieving, but what happened yesterday is the exact example of how dysfunctional she is and one of the many reasons why I cut everyone off in the first place. She’s very unstable mentally and my siblings enable her. If I keep her and them in my life it will be an endless cycle of the scenario that happened in front of the notary’s office.

I think the drama she created yesterday gave me a way out / justification to get the strength to cut her off again.

Though because of the notary’s document, they know where I live know and could very well show up at my door unannounced.

Jequ0n

Don’t feel bad about cutting them off. You sound like a very patient person, but also like someone who has sacrificed too much on people who don’t appreciate it.

They aren’t your responsibility and old enough to stand on their own feet.

You have done it before and you know how wonderful it feels when you go no contact.

Fwiw I think you showed some remarkable constraint with your mother because I would probably not been able to hurt her back. I am 100% nc with one of my parents, the other one occasionally reaches out and is hoping for a miracle. Best decision I ever made.

NSAman

Bill for the costs associated with your travel? If you are getting nothing from this why should you be paying for it?

i know this sounds simple, but you should not be out of,pocket.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119552155#Comment_119552155

100% agree but their money mismanagement led to them having zero when my dad died and they’re surviving on social welfare.

My 25 year old isn’t bothered to look for a job when he lives under her roof and she’s paying all his expenses including repairs for his car etc.. which is an absolute disgrace. I have two other sisters in college living with her too, they have college grants and couldn’t be bothered to chime in. They’re completely dysfunctional.

I had told them about the notary fee well in advance for them to prepare the money and when the notary asked for it to be paid during yesterday’s meeting, they said they didn’t have enough so I had no choice but to pay instead of embarrassing us. Then after this debacle, she cornered me in front of the office when I had just forked an amount for something that had nothing to do with me.

The notary should have deducted the fees from whatever money my dad left behind instead of having us pay out of pocket.

Between Tuesday and Today, I spend a whooping 660e. I’m absolutely losing my mind.

horse7

If you are the executor of the will you are entitled to any expenses incurred.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119552208#Comment_119552208

I’m not, my dad didn’t have a will either. They live overseas, so the concept of executor doesn’t exist there. The process goes through a notary, but some things don’t require notary intervention.

My dad didn’t have a will nor did he leave anything behind bar the family house and less than 4K in his bank account. I’ve zero skin in the game aside from the fact I’m coordinating the notary appointments and other paperwork that aren’t handled by the notary.

Big Bag of Chips

If you have nothing to gain, if your expenses aren't going to be reimbursed, if you're not going to inherit anything from your dad then leave them to it.

Your mother is an adult. Your siblings are literate. Let them deal with it. If they can't, then it's not your problem. People who are "bad with money" are bad with money because there's always someone there to bail them out. They knew you'd be there so knew they didn't need to have money.

Let them sort out the affairs themselves. They'll either figure it out, or they won't. Either way it'll make no difference to you or your circumstances.

Idle Passerby

I agree with the above advice ^. You're doing your mum a favour and she's throwing it back in your face. Feck her, let her sort it out herself. Let her pay someone for their time and expenses. Your siblings aren't her keepers. They presumably know you want nothing to do with her, they presumably can't control her so just avoid her and absent yourself when she does turn up.

delboythedub

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119552245#Comment_119552245

Sir I think that in your case a Good Retreat is far better than a Bad stand. i had to do it 15 years ago and I dont ever look back now.

ManOfMystery

This is a hugely unbalanced situation, you are gaining nothing from it and these people are taking advantage of you to be honest. It sounds like they've been reliant on you jumping in to help them rather than stand on their own two feet.

If I was you I would cut my losses and walk away, before you suffer any further emotionally or financially.

You don't stand to inherit anything, nor are you a will executor - so to put it bluntly - this is not your problem. Let them sort it out themselves.

bucketybuck

I don't understand why you are doing anything or paying anything? Sounds like when they made contact you should have just ignored them, let them sort out their estate themselves.

Stop flying back there to do their paperwork would be my advice.

HildaOgdenx

I remember some of your previous threads, OP. I may have said this before to you, but it sounds like you are the fixer in the family, the one who sorts things out. That's very laudable in its own way. However, it can also lead to situations such as the one you have found yourself in. Of course they all sat there yesterday when a fee was required to be paid. Because they knew you would pay it, and so they didn't need to even pretend to try.

That's not a criticism btw. It's how you are, it's a strength but sometimes, for one reason or another, our strengths work against us. I think you need to look at why you keep going back for more punishment - for want of a better word. I notice you mentioned that they are grieving. But so are you, and you possibly are not allowing yourself to grieve.

There's nothing in any of this for you, either financially or emotionally. I think you may say goodbye to whatever money you have already spent. If it never gets sorted out, that's on them. These are all adults. It's well past the time for them to stand on their own two feet.

You need to fight your natural instinct here to be the fixer. It won't be easy. I hope that you have some support in real life. For your own sake, you need to walk away. Not an easy thing to do. I believe that you would benefit from therapy as you break those ties for good.

Deeec

You live in a different country than your family so its easy to distance yourself completely. They wont turn up at your door because by the sounds of it they dont have the money to travel so stop worrying about that.

Stop making contact with them, stop doing the legal work when you are neither an executor or a beneficiary. The legal work after a death is very stressful and it is only a matter of time before your family blame you for something they think you done wrong re this. You will get no thanks whatsover for helping them out. Leave them to deal with it themselves - Ring the solicitor or notary and tell them you are no longer dealing with this. Ignore calls and messages from your family. You need to get on with your life and ignore them as they sound dependent on you and unappreciative.

TheGlossy

100% agree with all the inputs provided. I feel as though I’m being taken advantage of.

My mother is an entitled woman who has never worked a day in her life and relied on her father then my dad her entire life. She cut her own dad off when she married my father and now that my dad has passed, she’s looking for someone else to dependent on.

When I spoke to her on Tuesday to tell her I wasn’t able to see before (before the notary debacle), she said “Right, but there’s also another application you need to do on my behalf, can you do that as well?”

It’s demand after demand. No appreciation whatsoever. She even went as far as telling me I was her “appointed secretary”.

I work a highly stressful job with long hours and this whole debacle has added so much stress on me, I’m burned out. This week was meant for me to take time off to regroup and I had to fly at the last minute for this debacle.

I’ve been saving to purchase a property and this whole ordeal has completely messed up my financial planning. I’m left with 170e on my current account to finish off the month.

I should have just acknowledged my dad’s death and kept moving with my life. Reallowing my mother back in was a huge mistake. She’s far worse than before I cut her off 6 years ago because now that she’s a widow, she’s grown a sense of entitlement assuming everyone needs to take care of her.

My siblings don’t know anything else, so to them her dysfunctional mind is normal and they have to deal with it. Me on the other hand, the no contact gave me perspective and now with her back in my life, I can see how deranged she is. I won’t tolerate this in my life.

Idle Passerby

"I had to fly at the last minute" No you didn't, you chose to acquiesce to your mum's unreasonable demands. You're not just inconveniencing yourself with no thanks, you're leaving yourself under financial pressure. Martyrdom is rarely rewarded. Your just shooting yourself in the foot by going along with any of it.

TheGlossy

I’m not really acting as the executor since this concept does not exist where they live. There is also no legal requirement to hire a notary unless a property is involved, or if there is a will or the inheritance is above 5K. Plenty of people go without a notary there. There are certain things the notary cannot handle as it’s out of their remit (mortgage protection claim, pension application for her to get what would have been my dad’s, welfare applications for widows). The notary can only handle the aspects related to the estate my dad left behind which is nothing bar 4K and his equity in the family property. I’m coordinating the communication with the notary (who is like an executor if you will) which has been costly and draining as I spent time collecting documents etc.

I got an email from my sister today who thanked me for handling the paperwork and said “we hope all is OK”. When she uses “we”, it means my mother asked her to pass on the message. She witnesses the drama with my mother yesterday and didn’t even address it (granted, she didn’t want to be involved but neither her nor my brother tried to dilute the situation by trying to reason my mother).

I’m not planning on responding because acting like nothing happened and getting zero support is the nail in the coffin.

Yesterday’s drama gave me a way out but they’re too caught up in their own BS to see it was inappropriate. I think at this point, if I continue communicating with them after yesterday’s drama and my mother walking all over my boundaries, I’ll just confirm I’m a doormat and they will keep treating me like dirt. They think they’re the only ones grieving and everyone needs to cater to them.

pc7

Honestly Glossy, if your siblings are bright enough for College let them deal with it now. Ring one of them and say you are stepping back. Then just do it, change your phone number if you need too (or block your mothers number if issue). You need to look after yourself, maybe some counselling/cbt would be of assistance to you going forward. Best of luck, it can be very difficult.

just_a_gurl

once bitten twice shy...with hindsight I dare say you prob now regret getting back involved even in an "administrative" capacity

walk away, your mother will not change & they are obvs afraid to rock the boat with her. these relationships are not good for you, your boundaries are not being respected, it is now for you to do whatever it is YOU need to do to respect yourself, heal & live the life you want to live.

TheGlossy

Thank you everyone, truly appreciate the sound advice.

I started seeing a therapist in June and I’m in between sessions now. I was on the verge of reaching out to them impromptly yesterday because of how bad I felt. I felt I hit a whole new low and I 100% regret reallowing them back into my life in hindsight. Big mistake. That door should have stayed shut. Death doesn’t erase what this woman has done.

Grief aside, nothing has been going right my life since they walked back into it using my dad’s death as an excuse but I realize now they’re looking for someone to replace my dad as the person they can depend on. I feel absolutely trapped and every dealing with them (especially with my mother) is like someone twisting a knife in my heart because I don’t want any involvement with them.

My 25 year old brother went to business school and even set up his own company (which failed) yet my mother says he doesn’t know how to fill in a basic pension application. He dies nothing all day, he can research to figure it out. My other two sisters are in college too, so they need to get it together.

My brother and mother are the ones who are taking advantage of me and for fact, when I walked into their house for the first time in 6 years back in Feb, they snuck into the kitchen and started gossiping about me and what I needed to do. Them two are like two peas in a pod scheming.

My dad died in his early 60s due to a heart attack because of stress and how everyone of them was dependent on him. If I allow their shenanigans, I’ll wind up like my dad.

Blackjack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119553843#Comment_119553843

if your sister has tried to reach out then it may be best to respond.

Highlight how you have felt used, the issues you have faced with the aggressive nature of the approach by your mother and how you are putting yourself out in both time and expense to manage this situation.

Highlight that you feel it should be one of them that now takes the responsibility as you've carried your share and more of the burden, and that you need to step back from this and let them manage it for themselves.

That all being the case- this is a very trying situation you find yourself in and I wish you the best of luck.

manonboard

Took me a long time to find the right distance from family too man. Ten years helped be get some space.

but i wanted to reply to you because when i read the sentence that your body gave you a very unpleasant physical response.. i just felt that.. Man im really sorry. When the body has LEARNED that this environment/person/dynamic is dangerous.. That stuff is serious. Its a learned response from years of exposure.. or short term exposure to something very traumatic.

You should listen to your body, it is alot smarter than your brain at regulating perception of danger.

Im sure you know all this, and im sure its just really hard to think about it.

Dude, the people you keep in your life should be people that energise you, that support you, that tell you constantly to be more you and to flip with everyone else. They will love you, care for you, and even have respectful conflict with you.

When your body is warning you away from something, learn to trust it. It means you've already tested that dynamic and found it toxic. We break those cycles of getting ourselves into unloving situations by listening to our body warning us.

Theres always room to override the body response, but we do that WHEN we see a situation is likely healthy/good for us, and the body is scared. When your mind knows a situation is harmful, and your body is screaming to leave.. You dont need to think. You just need to leave.

Very best of luck to you man

Jequ0n

If I were you I wouldn’t respond to the sister because you can’t be sure your messages will stay amongst yourselves. Ignore it until you are ready to deal with the lot.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119555954#Comment_119555954

That is a surefire way to get dragged back into their bullshit.

Do not do this OP, you will get sucked into a back and forth with them. You do not owe them an explanation, just walk away and leave them to it.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119555997#Comment_119555997

Thank you.

The physical reaction is legitimately petrifying. She's the only person I've ever experienced with.

When I saw her approaching me on Wednesday I stood there absolutely petrified, shaking, about to vomit. I get shivers down my spine just seeing her. The physical reaction is absolutely uncontrollable. Then she stood in front of me and I took several step back to avoid being close to her. It was an automatic reaction.

She always wears black with dark makeup on and eyebrows frowned which I believe is a reflection of her inner self. If you saw her on the street, you'd think she's one of those fortune tellers who practice witchcraft. I kid you not. The energy she exudes is simply negative.

I am home now is still absolutely traumatized by the sight of her on Wednesday. I can't shake it - it was absolutely horrible and I blame my siblings for setting me up like this and her ambush me.

To give a update - I have not responded to my sister because she is as much to blame as my brother and my mother. As a poster said, if I respond, I'll get reeled back in. The ambush on Wednesday led to this outcome, they made their bed and chose this outcome (i.e. me going radio silent). I was in touch with my sister the whole time before the appointment and even texted her right before to make sure they were coming and she failed to tell me my mother was coming. I felt set up and did not appreciate being ambushed like this. If I were to respond, it would mean I'm letting this slide which I am not. I will just ignore until I feel comfortable to respond to tell them to leave me alone or just fade away. They need to understand what happened on Wednesday was unacceptable and the lack of response will send a message. You can't baffle my boundaries and expect me to keep running back.

Back in 2019 - I had not been in touch with them for 4 years at that point and my sister reached out to me on my birthday wishing me a happy birthday and saying my dad wanted to talk to me. I thought he was trying to mend our relationship but he actually wanted money. I hadn't spoken nor seen him in 4 years and the first thing he asked for was money for me to bail him out of whatever mess he got himself into. I refused then my brother got my contact details and sent me a vile message berating me. I blocked them all and hadn't heard anything for 2 years until my dad's passing.

I'm talking about this because I had no hesitation cutting them off, I'll do it again if I have to protect myself. Their grief is not an excuse.

JupiterKid

I’ve read your other posts about your father’s death and your highly abusive, dysfunctional family, OP and I would concur with all the others here that complete disconnection - for good - from your mother and siblings who have zero respect for you and treat you with nothing but contempt is the only way.

You hear people say “family is important” and when a family is loving and respectful of each other, yes it is, but for so many others family brings nothing but hardship, misery, drama and heartache and in that case they are best distanced for good.

ChickenDish

Do your mental health a favour and sever all connections with these people. Being blood related to people does not give them carte blanch to psychologically abuse you - It's simple, where you happy without them in your life before? I'm guessing that's a yes. And there you have it, you have the solution to your problem.

bucketybuck

They need to understand what happened on Wednesday was unacceptable and the lack of response will send a message.

To comment on this, I would be aware that nothing you do will make them understand. There is no combination of words or actions that will change who they are or make them see the error of their ways.

If you do anything with the aim of hoping they understand you will only end up disappointed and worse off than you started.

You should stop responding not to send them a message, but because zero contact with them is the best thing for you yourself.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119560327#Comment_119560327

Thank you. That’s very true.

The happiest time of my life was when they were not in my life. My career was doing great, had tons of friends, was in the best physical and mental shape of my life, was managing my finances like clockwork and depression/anxiety were out the window the moment I cut ties. Everything was going my way and I truly did shine then.

Ever since I got back in touch with them, my mental health has been in chambers, my anxiety and depression kicked back in, my finances are filled with unnecessary write-offs and to top it all off, my social life has dried up entirely. Everything I tried to build during no contact is being torn apart.

I remember feeling this way before I cut them off. I’ve made a thousand steps backwards.

My siblings enable her and so did my dad. She poisons everyone she comes in contact with, but particularly me. I’ve always been her black sheep.

I think my family thinks I’m obligated to help because we’re family and my dad died, except I’m not obligated to anything and I was doing a favor to people who treated me like dirt my whole life. I should have never offered to help in the first place and should have redirected them to a social worker because now they’ve developed a sense of entitlement to my help and support.

TheGlossy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119560423#Comment_119560423

You’re 100% right. They won’t see what’s wrong or inappropriate with their behavior. I’ve seen it times again. They never see anything wrong with their ways.

When I cut them off, they will blame me and vilify me for turning my back on them during the hardest time of their lives and will call me all sorts of name and even say I was possessed by the devil (another one of their obsessive religious fads) without realizing they brought this upon themselves.