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Should I cut off my family again?

  • 31-08-2022 6:21pm
    Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    Hi all,

    I previously posted about how I was estranged from my family for 6 years (because of my abusive and unstable mother) and they tracked me down after my dad died to sort out his estate. I’ve since been stuck in an administrative loop with has caused me to spend €2,000 between fees and travel expenses. Neither my mother nor my siblings have offered to help with anything whether financially or administrative wise. It’s all been on my shoulders to benefit someone who caused me a lot of trauma and pain (my mother) when I’m personally not getting a penny.

    I traveled to meet with the notary today and called my mother yesterday to tell her I won’t be dropping by her house as I was only traveling for the paperwork and retuning right away. She said all fine and me calling was sufficient. I had it in my mind I wasn’t going to see her, so I was more comfortable.

    Then I was waiting in front of the notary’s office when I saw her in my brothers car. My brother and sister were attending the meeting, not my mother as she’s illeterate and I have a POA to act on her behalf. I made it very clear to everyone yesterday I was not in a position to see her yet my siblings failed to tell me she was coming. It was a bad surprise.

    Fast forward, we got through the meeting my siblings and I. As soon as I exited the notary’s office there she was, was in my face within 20s. She didn’t even ask me how I was doing (I hadn’t seen her since the funeral months ago) or if I had a nice flight. She stood there and asked “So what did the notary say about getting my money back?”.

    I explained to the process to her very politely and then out of the blue, she said “don’t you dare talk to me like that” and started an argument. I promise I said nothing rude or out of line. She just started an argument out of nowhere (like she did when I was a child/teenager and did the same with my dad). Then I told her, I’ll link in with my siblings on the process and I said “I’m leaving now” and walked away. She asked me why I just said I’ve had enough. I was exhausted from lack of sleep and a multitude of things and she jumps to my face to start drama.

    Then I left her standing there with my siblings and I walked away. I didn’t say goodbye or anything. I cut the whole drama short and left because I simply had enough of her mistreatment.

    I had just taken a hit of a couple of hundreds in notary fees because my siblings said they didn’t have enough and I’ve been exhausting myself for months for her to get her money (I’m getting zero from this) and she dares to yell at me and start a fight in front of the notary’s office.

    Not to mention, I was not at all prepared to see her, so when I saw her, I froze. I get a bad physical reaction when she’s around.

    I feel backstabbed by my siblings who knew I was only here to do my business and brought her along for her to cause a scene and accuse me of speaking badly when I didn’t.

    Should I cut them all off again?

    Post edited by HildaOgdenx on



  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    I’m pretty sure she told them “I want to see her anyway” and forced her way into coming to with. They knew she would try to interact with me. As said they know what she is like. No way they didn’t know.

    I felt bad about cutting them off again when they’re grieving, but what happened yesterday is the exact example of how dysfunctional she is and one of the many reasons why I cut everyone off in the first place. She’s very unstable mentally and my siblings enable her. If I keep her and them in my life it will be an endless cycle of the scenario that happened in front of the notary’s office.

    I think the drama she created yesterday gave me a way out / justification to get the strength to cut her off again.

    Though because of the notary’s document, they know where I live know and could very well show up at my door unannounced.

  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    100% agree but their money mismanagement led to them having zero when my dad died and they’re surviving on social welfare.

    My 25 year old isn’t bothered to look for a job when he lives under her roof and she’s paying all his expenses including repairs for his car etc.. which is an absolute disgrace. I have two other sisters in college living with her too, they have college grants and couldn’t be bothered to chime in. They’re completely dysfunctional.

    I had told them about the notary fee well in advance for them to prepare the money and when the notary asked for it to be paid during yesterday’s meeting, they said they didn’t have enough so I had no choice but to pay instead of embarrassing us. Then after this debacle, she cornered me in front of the office when I had just forked an amount for something that had nothing to do with me.

    The notary should have deducted the fees from whatever money my dad left behind instead of having us pay out of pocket.

    Between Tuesday and Today, I spend a whooping 660e. I’m absolutely losing my mind.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    I’m not, my dad didn’t have a will either. They live overseas, so the concept of executor doesn’t exist there. The process goes through a notary, but some things don’t require notary intervention.

    My dad didn’t have a will nor did he leave anything behind bar the family house and less than 4K in his bank account. I’ve zero skin in the game aside from the fact I’m coordinating the notary appointments and other paperwork that aren’t handled by the notary.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,113 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby

    I agree with the above advice ^. You're doing your mum a favour and she's throwing it back in your face. Feck her, let her sort it out herself. Let her pay someone for their time and expenses. Your siblings aren't her keepers. They presumably know you want nothing to do with her, they presumably can't control her so just avoid her and absent yourself when she does turn up.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,076 ✭✭✭Deeec

    You live in a different country than your family so its easy to distance yourself completely. They wont turn up at your door because by the sounds of it they dont have the money to travel so stop worrying about that.

    Stop making contact with them, stop doing the legal work when you are neither an executor or a beneficiary. The legal work after a death is very stressful and it is only a matter of time before your family blame you for something they think you done wrong re this. You will get no thanks whatsover for helping them out. Leave them to deal with it themselves - Ring the solicitor or notary and tell them you are no longer dealing with this. Ignore calls and messages from your family. You need to get on with your life and ignore them as they sound dependent on you and unappreciative.

  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    I’m not really acting as the executor since this concept does not exist where they live. There is also no legal requirement to hire a notary unless a property is involved, or if there is a will or the inheritance is above 5K. Plenty of people go without a notary there. There are certain things the notary cannot handle as it’s out of their remit (mortgage protection claim, pension application for her to get what would have been my dad’s, welfare applications for widows). The notary can only handle the aspects related to the estate my dad left behind which is nothing bar 4K and his equity in the family property. I’m coordinating the communication with the notary (who is like an executor if you will) which has been costly and draining as I spent time collecting documents etc.

    I got an email from my sister today who thanked me for handling the paperwork and said “we hope all is OK”. When she uses “we”, it means my mother asked her to pass on the message. She witnesses the drama with my mother yesterday and didn’t even address it (granted, she didn’t want to be involved but neither her nor my brother tried to dilute the situation by trying to reason my mother).

    I’m not planning on responding because acting like nothing happened and getting zero support is the nail in the coffin.

    Yesterday’s drama gave me a way out but they’re too caught up in their own BS to see it was inappropriate. I think at this point, if I continue communicating with them after yesterday’s drama and my mother walking all over my boundaries, I’ll just confirm I’m a doormat and they will keep treating me like dirt. They think they’re the only ones grieving and everyone needs to cater to them.

  • Registered Users Posts: 41 just_a_gurl

    once bitten twice shy...with hindsight I dare say you prob now regret getting back involved even in an "administrative" capacity

    walk away, your mother will not change & they are obvs afraid to rock the boat with her. these relationships are not good for you, your boundaries are not being respected, it is now for you to do whatever it is YOU need to do to respect yourself, heal & live the life you want to live.

  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    Thank you everyone, truly appreciate the sound advice.

    I started seeing a therapist in June and I’m in between sessions now. I was on the verge of reaching out to them impromptly yesterday because of how bad I felt. I felt I hit a whole new low and I 100% regret reallowing them back into my life in hindsight. Big mistake. That door should have stayed shut. Death doesn’t erase what this woman has done.

    Grief aside, nothing has been going right my life since they walked back into it using my dad’s death as an excuse but I realize now they’re looking for someone to replace my dad as the person they can depend on. I feel absolutely trapped and every dealing with them (especially with my mother) is like someone twisting a knife in my heart because I don’t want any involvement with them.

    My 25 year old brother went to business school and even set up his own company (which failed) yet my mother says he doesn’t know how to fill in a basic pension application. He dies nothing all day, he can research to figure it out. My other two sisters are in college too, so they need to get it together.

    My brother and mother are the ones who are taking advantage of me and for fact, when I walked into their house for the first time in 6 years back in Feb, they snuck into the kitchen and started gossiping about me and what I needed to do. Them two are like two peas in a pod scheming.

    My dad died in his early 60s due to a heart attack because of stress and how everyone of them was dependent on him. If I allow their shenanigans, I’ll wind up like my dad.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,520 ✭✭✭Jequ0n

    If I were you I wouldn’t respond to the sister because you can’t be sure your messages will stay amongst yourselves. Ignore it until you are ready to deal with the lot.

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 12,049 Mod ✭✭✭✭JupiterKid

    I’ve read your other posts about your father’s death and your highly abusive, dysfunctional family, OP and I would concur with all the others here that complete disconnection - for good - from your mother and siblings who have zero respect for you and treat you with nothing but contempt is the only way.

    You hear people say “family is important” and when a family is loving and respectful of each other, yes it is, but for so many others family brings nothing but hardship, misery, drama and heartache and in that case they are best distanced for good.

  • Registered Users Posts: 153 ✭✭ChickenDish

    Do your mental health a favour and sever all connections with these people. Being blood related to people does not give them carte blanch to psychologically abuse you - It's simple, where you happy without them in your life before? I'm guessing that's a yes. And there you have it, you have the solution to your problem.

  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    Thank you. That’s very true.

    The happiest time of my life was when they were not in my life. My career was doing great, had tons of friends, was in the best physical and mental shape of my life, was managing my finances like clockwork and depression/anxiety were out the window the moment I cut ties. Everything was going my way and I truly did shine then.

    Ever since I got back in touch with them, my mental health has been in chambers, my anxiety and depression kicked back in, my finances are filled with unnecessary write-offs and to top it all off, my social life has dried up entirely. Everything I tried to build during no contact is being torn apart.

    I remember feeling this way before I cut them off. I’ve made a thousand steps backwards.

    My siblings enable her and so did my dad. She poisons everyone she comes in contact with, but particularly me. I’ve always been her black sheep.

    I think my family thinks I’m obligated to help because we’re family and my dad died, except I’m not obligated to anything and I was doing a favor to people who treated me like dirt my whole life. I should have never offered to help in the first place and should have redirected them to a social worker because now they’ve developed a sense of entitlement to my help and support.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 216 ✭✭TheGlossy

    You’re 100% right. They won’t see what’s wrong or inappropriate with their behavior. I’ve seen it times again. They never see anything wrong with their ways.

    When I cut them off, they will blame me and vilify me for turning my back on them during the hardest time of their lives and will call me all sorts of name and even say I was possessed by the devil (another one of their obsessive religious fads) without realizing they brought this upon themselves.

This discussion has been closed.