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In a broken marriage, my wife had an affair and wanted me to move the space for her new boyfriend.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    shes been gone a long time already by the sounds of it, it’s soon to you but not to her.

    Advice….

    do not move out

    log Everything

    engage a solicitor

    do not engage in any form of bickering.



  • Registered Users Posts: 11 Wlidiiao




  • Registered Users Posts: 11 Wlidiiao




  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    "The type of scumbag that would look to get with another mans wife of this age will quickly lose interest if she suddenly becomes 100% available. The sick s**t probably gets off on the fact its another mans woman he's getting with"

    What's age got to do with it? Would he be less of a scumbag if she was younger? This is a bizarre opinion.

    "trust me, women like this always do"

    You must have had a lot of experience in this area. Regardless, sweeping generalisations probably aren't helpful to OP.

    OP, do not move out and do not let her move him in. Let her move out if she wants, but it will go against you in court if you leave the family home.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    OP, something else you should keep in mind that I don't think has been mentioned here. Ireland is a "no fault" state when it comes to marriage and relationship breakdown.

    The Courts who will decide your eventual property, maintenance and custody/access arrangements will have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the details of who cheated on whom, or who is dating who now. Their role is not to assign blame or punish anyone. Their role is to apply the law.

    I am sorry for your troubles. The advice given so far is good, stay in your home, stay civil, consult with a solicitor and request mediation to start the ball rolling on your separation. I would also include start gathering copies of essential documents, bank statements, household bills, etc

    Try not to make it acriminious, even though that will be hard, because you will still have to co-parent with their mother until they are of age.

    Best of luck.



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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I think your question might not be the best for you. It may be common, but it's almost certainly not in your long-term interest. That's the sort of question you should focus on, not what people commonly do.


    With online dating it's easy to meet people. I know because when we separated, but continued living in the same house, I did test online dating. But I felt guilty, as I had never been unfaithful - it's a very odd concept of "loyalty" at this juncture. So, I then closed it down before meeting anybody (but getting offers of hookups, which did improve my ego, I must say) having listened to/read some - a lot! - of self-help stuff on this very topic.

    Generally, the advice is that we should all get our shít together before going into some sort of rebound relationship which, while understandable, is weak. It can give great comfort in the loneliness and struggle, particularly when there's a form of psychological warfare going on against you by your ex and her guy. Find other support. I've drawn on specific friends in specific circles, professional counsellors and so forth. That suffices in lieu of a relationship. Not ideal as I've been deprived of love for so long, but I know it is the only course open if I want to leave with dignity, etc and keep the home peaceful with little kids here. Try and sort yourself out as much as possible so you don't bring the same issues into the next relationship. This is super important. People who keep failing at relationships often do so because they never have the courage to take the time out to know themselves and face up to their own background, etc (I found discovering about attachment styles - http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm - opened up a world of self-understanding I had never known).


    Build a firm foundation now for the next stage of your life. No booze/fags/drugs/gambling. Eat healthily, and get a fitness routine, and really get your sleep. Goals, goals, goals. Have positive goals. Little ones, and few of them. Achievable goals - e.g. get up to 15000 steps per day on your Samsung Health app or whatever. All the little goals build up to make you a better you over the following months. Be calm. Don't lose the cool. Don't be sneering, spiteful or vengeful. Energy levels - don't waste them on that negativity. Just keep focused on improving you. Define yourself positively by what you're in favour of rather than negatively by what you're against. Negativity will eat away at your soul and energy levels - and you badly need a strong spirit and energy levels now.


    Focus on the things you can change, and only those things. Don't spend a single thought on her fella or anything like that. They are wasted emotions, and you need all the energy you can get. You, and only you, can save yourself. And you need to become the best version of yourself. if you don't, you're not much good to yourself, your future, and your children. So, this is your moment: "out of life's school of war, that which does not destroy me makes me stronger" (Nietzsche). Necessity is the mother of all invention. Once you start noticing positive improvements in your new routine - positive attitude, more energy/fitness, etc - it will be easier for you to keep it up. Stay on track. Have your plan, and maybe get more ambitious as it goes on. Your self-confidence will grow. There will be lovely cailíní at the end when you've become a better, healthier, stronger version of yourself. At that stage, you'll know better what sort of woman would be good for you, not merely fall into the "any port in a storm" mentality. You will have something better to offer, and you will get a better quality offering in response. Think firm foundations; create them now, and you're making things easier for yourself down the road.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    PS: Since January 2022, separated/divorced people are now treated as first-time buyers. This means that up to €30,000 of your past income- 10% deposit - can be reimbursed to you by Revenue to help with buying a home. Google "Fresh Start". Check out the Affordable Purchase Scheme and the Local Authority Homeloan, among other schemes. You need to get in touch with your local authority to find out your alternatives. Not that you're leaving your home. But knowledge is power. Know your rights and entitlements. Have awareness of your potential future so that when you try mediation or whatever you know all of your housing options (among other options). Psychologically it's important for you to have an idea of your future life - something to aim for, to progress towards. So, this is another part of building yourself up. I had a long chat with a person in my local authority in the past month and I gleaned much information about forthcoming building projects and the various schemes. She was emphatic that I should have all my ducks in a row when the houses are offered as it's a first come, first served basis. Get the requisite knowledge from your local authority area.



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    "The Courts who will decide your eventual property, maintenance and custody/access arrangements will have absolutely no interest whatsoever in the details of who cheated on whom, or who is dating who now. Their role is not to assign blame or punish anyone. Their role is to apply the law."

    However, does it take into consideration allegations of domestic abuse in deciding any of the above? For instance, if it could be shown that financial abuse was a means of controlling and therefore things like seeking maintenance payments were mechanisms to control, could the court take a position which would limit such payments and instead give, for instance, a parent a comparable period of childminding in lieu of that payment?



  • Registered Users Posts: 480 ✭✭getoutadodge


    U need a good solicitor to prepare the battle. Ur life depends on it. Open fora are not ideal for such a serious matter but understandable if feeling isolated. Isolation is dangerous. Talk to professionals (first and foremost a solicitor who specialises in the area) and personal friends (not mutual friends) u trust. Good luck! P.S. Keep a diary of all events.

    https://separated.ie/local-service/listing/amen-abuse-against-men



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Thanks. I double checked elsewhere online as I had an especially vicious display of domestic power disparities in my home today and it seems the Men's Aid helpline is only open 9am until 5pm Monday-Friday [https://www.mensaid.ie/contact-us/]. I've phoned them a number of times over the years and the women to whom I've spoken were very helpful, empathetic and supportive, so I'm shocked there's nowhere to go to talk after these hours. Those little kindnesses from strangers saved me those days.


    Do female abusers of men take a break after these hours? Women's Aid, in contrast, has a 24/7 service (https://www.womensaid.ie/services/helpline.html). The whole process is absolutely reeking in state-sponsored misandry, at every single turn, where the perpetrators use their gender to successfully play the victim card, the law accepts it, and the silence continues. And men in their 40s and 50s, the ages where marital breakdown is most common, also have the highest rates of suicide in Ireland. The silence continues. If there were an endpoint in sight it would be so, so, so much easier to take the power displays, the sneering, the demeaning comments, the derision, the absolute control, the knowledge that one is walking on eggshells every single day, but it just goes on and on and on. That lack of an endpoint in this power dynamic is deeply damaging, and I'm supposed to just keep accepting it "for the kids" or else I'll be accused of things and forced out of my home. My kids absolutely adore me, for the record. We get on brilliantly, and I'm unquestionably a much-needed counter to their mother, and they have defended me to her - but none of this matters in our courts. We should have some protection from this sort of control in a marriage and not be assumed to be guilty because we are men. This is especially so when we finally, after years of the control, have the courage to say no more. Discovering it actually gets worse and even more nasty as soon as you make the decision to leave, and that no legal body is there to protect your rights, rapidly turns your empowerment from making the decision into disempowerment. I asked Boards to anonymise this account last year but it still hasn't been done so I'll have to ask again. I still need to talk, but she probably knows this account at this stage so it has to go. I wish they'd bring back anonymous posting as it was some protection.

    https://www.irishexaminer.com/news/arid-40776516.html How many more calls would Men's Aid have received if they had a 24/7 service?


    https://www.samaritans.org/ireland/about-samaritans/research-policy/middle-aged-men-suicide/



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  • Registered Users Posts: 480 ✭✭getoutadodge


    Well put. The entire apparatus of the state reeks of misandry. I dread to think what effect it has on the self confidence of boys in the 10 to 15 yr bracket. The empirical fallout is everywhere to be seen. But lamenting this state of affairs is not going to help your precarious position. I used the battle analogy consciously because that's what u are facing. You cannot afford to let your physical and mental state weaken because then u lose. Same applies to your job. Same applies to your children. This town if full of men in bedsits who were broken by the process. So first and foremost get legal advice and decide how best to proceed. You may find that, given the circumstances outlined, that your legal "hand" is stronger than you know. Good luck!



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