Surrounded by Toxic people, violence and drama

Danni21

Hi,

I'll try keep this brief but it's a long winded story. I'm female mid 30s. I been involved with a guy for over a year on and off and it's toxic to say the least. For some reason I kept giving him second chances. Part of me knew I was too good for him, but he has had a horrible back story and I cared about him/wanted to try help him. He grabbed my the hair one day and threw me on the ground. His family (3 sisters mainly) were nice to me at first but then they slowly turned on me. I apparently mentioned the above incident to a girl I knew, after a few drinks. It got back to his middle sister. She then somehow convinced this girl that i'm the bad guy and that she's "looking out for his brother". I've known this girl since school and she's now turned on me. The sisters are saying i'm controlling him, that i'm abusing their brother and all other sorts of nonsense. I'm not welcome in the house anymore, which I really don't care about. I have gone back a couple of times where he assured me it's fine. This ended up in his oldest sister physically going for me twice. His middle sister screaming at me "I heard all about you". I have no idea what any of that means. They say to him that i'm controlling him to which they will not give a straight answer what they mean. I'm backing living with my mother who is an alcoholic and a bit narcissistic towards me. She knows this guy before I did as did my brother. She has said to him on many occasions I feel sorry for you having to put up with her. I've caught her out saying to him you'll soon she what she's like. Once she said to him she had another guy around here the other night. This "guy" was a friend of mine I know from overseas and was in the same town so we caught up and I was showing him around. The guy i'm seeing was aware of this and was invited to join us. My mother twisted the whole thing. My mother is bitching about me behind my back to her friend and to my siblings. She has basically poisoned my brother against me. My mother makes light of serious situations and I tried to confide in her regarding a personal issue that a daughter should be able to discuss with a mother. (I usually don't confide in her). It was brushed off and a smart comment was made. She told her friend about it and I asked the friend if we could keep it between us and I got a response "F* off, F* off and F**k the F***k off". When I asked her about her telling her friend she said "so what". My mother is not only bitching to her about me but to her daughter who is my age. Every time we have a disagreement she gets on the phone to my brother giving out about me. Things got physical Christmas Eve and my mother pulled me off a chair, ripped my top and slapped me across the face twice. She reckons I ruined her Christmas though. I then went away Stephens Night with himself and didn't come back for a few days. Instead of apologising or trying to talk to me she was bitching to her friend and daughter and went out for dinner with them. I didn't even get an invite. I'm left questioning myself as to whether i'm a good person or not now. I feel like i've no one. I came very close to making an attempt on my own life over Christmas.

YellowLead

The simple answer here is to remove yourself from these people who are toxic dramatic and violent.

1. Leave the boyfriend
2. Move out from your family

I know that’s easier said than done but if you have a job hopefully you can afford a house share and if you don’t have you tried the social welfare HAP route, or go to Australia!

Baybay

I don’t know about going as far as Australia but get out. Today if possible. Life is short, no one needs any of that.

statto25

Break up with the boyfriend and get as far away from your family as possible. You don't mention your employment status but job or no job, you need to get the hell away from all of that. Could I also suggest you seek some counseling as what you describe has to have had some affect on your mental health. I know what it feels like to have a family like that. It might not surface now but it may down the road. Look after yourself

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118493463#Comment_118493463

I'm too old to go back to Australia. It's easier said than done. I'm going to run in to these people on occasion if i'm out. I'm just upset about the lies and things that are being said about me. His sisters are disgusting people. I'm going to move out again soon. I have a full time permanent job. It's just upsetting the way i'm being treated. I was very close to my brother. I paid for him to move overseas when I was living there at the time. My mother even lied to the ex saying he paid me back every penny. This is lies. I don't care about the money, I did it to get him out of a rut. Now i'm being repaid by my mother poisoning him against me and lying about the situation. My brother also hasnt' spoken to me in months.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118493529#Comment_118493529

I'm in a full time permanent position. Still in my probation period. I'm definitely going to look in to counselling. I've become a bit self destructive recently because of all of this.

Keyzer

You need to remove all these toxic people/elements from your life. I know its easier said than done but you'd be better off on your own versus being surrounded by these people.

Take care of yourself.

Op you've been raised in a toxic family so unfortunately due to the trauma you are more inclined to end up in a toxic relationship, which has happened.

The good thing is you recognise it. You absolutely must end this relationship before it destroys you.

Counselling will definitely help you heal and learn tools to thrive, but the immediate need is to remove yourself from these people, including your mother.

If you haven't heard of the grey rock technique to deal with narcissists, give it a Google. If you can't cut a person off completely (ie your mother), then this is the way to relate to them.

Don't give up hope. You know this is all toxic and just need to take practical steps to have peace of mind again.

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118493594#Comment_118493594

Thanks so much. I will give that a try

Danni21

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118493887#Comment_118493887

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118493594#Comment_118493594

The ironic thing is his family have the cheek to say i'm destroying him. They have brushed over the fact he's been physically aggressive with me. I think it boils down to jealousy. I've been living out of home most my life, i've travelled, i'm college educated and have a good job.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118493894#Comment_118493894

That's what happens in toxic families. It won't change and they'll never admit that he's abusive, sounds like they all are.

The only solution is to get away from them.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, thanks for your post and I'm sorry to read what you're going through.

However I'm concerned at the parts of your post where you say you considered taking your own life and have become self destructive because of your issues.

Bearing that in mind I think your issues are beyond what Personal Issues are capable of helping you with and you would be better seeking professional help. You could start by visiting your GP and seeking recommendations from them. Alternatively there is a thread here with a helpful guide on how to find a counsellor.

In the circumstances I'm going to close the thread here and wish you the best of lucking revolving your issues.

Thanks

HS