Relationship Anxiety

ZigZags

Hi all,

Just hoping for advice. I’ve realised over the last week I’m suffering from really bad relationship anxiety. Before my OH, I had bad dating experiences and feel these experiences have given rise to insecurities of feeling “not good enough” or feeling as if I’m not anyones first choice of partner or sexual partner.

I’m constantly worrying and overthinking about my OH and our relationship. I am experiencing feelings of sadness, I’m very tearful and paranoid lately. This is effecting us. I haven’t said anything explicit to him or direct but it’s builds and builds inside me and I become passive aggressive, narky or may say something as if to correct them or catch them out and I can’t help it.

Im constantly finding fault and I’ve realised I’m just self sabotaging silently rather than talking things out. I don’t want to ruin things but feel I might be.

Is there a way to get over this?

Thanks.

PHG

Hi OP,

Tell your partner about your anxiety and explain why. This will hopefully help the issue. They will likely understand as you are meant to be a team and they are with you for you. We all have baggage so this is not a unique situation.

If the anxiety continues find a professional who you can talk to and work through the underlying reasons why this is happening and teach you the tools needed to get on the other side of it.

Thanks,

PHG

ZigZags

PHG,

Thanks for your reply. I don’t want my OH to think I’m all problems. But passive aggressive comments are flowing out of me for the last few weeks due to paranoia and I wasn’t always like this. It’s recent. I cry because of the constant mental and physical stress Im causing myself overthinking and trying to second guess him. I was happy with him but in the last few weeks I feel the moment I gave into negative thoughts, suspicions and confided in my friend created a snowball effect. Now, I’m out to sabotage our relationship.

Jequ0n

If you are getting out of control (and with all due respect it sounds like it, as based on your 2 posts) you should probably hit the pause button and tell your partner that you are struggling with some issues, so they don’t think they are the cause.

I don’t think you can fix this by yourself and will probably benefit from seeking help, but so also I think you can reduce a lot of stress by telling your partner that you are having problems that are not their fault.

Tork

@ZigZags I remember your previous thread and how many people, including myself, advised you to leave it. Yet here you are clinging onto this relationship like a barnacle. This time you're coming at it from a different angle, putting more of the blame on yourself. If you want to stay in this relationship, fine. That's your problem, not mine. But if you're becoming more and more miserable, why are you staying? Relationships are supposed to add to your life and make you happy. Are you really that terrified of being single again?

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118274746#Comment_118274746

I just feel this is all me.

I am putting pressure on myself, trying to rush things, getting upset and anxious when things don’t go the way they should. I love him but I get very tearful and distance myself looking for faults rather than jumping in and declaring how I feel. I was happy with our relationship but in the last few weeks, I’ve been in distress and very tearful.

Tork

Yes but it takes two people to make a relationship work.

In your previous thread, you said you had no sex life and that when you tried to address your concerns with your relationship, he brushed you off. You also mentioned that you were the one doing all the initiating for weekends away etc. and he wasn't. Have any of these change since then or have you talked yourself into thinking they're not actually problems?

You also mentioned lies and that you believed he was leading you on. Have these concerns magically evaporated? What about the bizarre behaviour you alluded to? Or again, have you swept all these under the carpet due to your desperation to stay coupled up?

How long are you with him ?

ZigZags

I feel like I’m turning into someone I don’t recognise and I don’t like it. How do I put my insecurities aside?

loveall

Time to get your big girl pants on ZigZags. You can do it! Be your own self that you're proud of. You know if things were right this wouldn't be happening.

Get something new to do with yourself or put your passion into that thing you've wanted to get done. Walk and do it early in the day, every day. Rest by going over the walk in your mind, when a bad thought breaks through, start again. Do it for a week and then tell him what you want to say if you still think it's worth it. After that, hand up and walk away....time you love you more than a waste of space. He'll need to kiss yr ass if you're to let him back in.

I know you don't want to hear what I've said.....but you've got this!! Do it for a week and let me know. Don't be a sad sap, you'll regret it.

All the best x

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118276158#Comment_118276158

With all due respect starting threads but not paying any heed to the advice is probably symptomatic of your problems, you're making terrible choices and are rightly miserable due to them. Leave this terrible relationship and reclaim your sense of self and respect.

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282091#Comment_118282091

It’s not that I don’t pay any heed to them. Last time, I was convinced it was the end. We had a talk and he told me he was serious about our relationship. Seemingly, we were on the same page. We seem to have ups and downs in vibe. Like one minute he or we are all over eachother. The next, he’s off form or not present. If I get passive aggressive or narky, it’s as a result of his behaviour. I’m usually in good humour but obviously since a few months ago, I’ve been experiencing, what i think, is relationship anxiety. He reassures me everything is ok but I’m not convinced.

Jequ0n

@ZigZags

“ I’m usually in good humour but obviously since a few months ago, I’ve been experiencing, what i think, is relationship anxiety.”

So you have self diagnosed yourself instead of getting professional help or at least an assessment. Based on your own diagnosis you are now seeking advice in an online forum..and you seriously think this will fix your issues?

“If I get passive aggressive or narky, it’s as a result of his behaviour.”

Seriously OP, this is one of the unhealthiest attitudes you can have. I’m the last to judge you for this because I’d be a hypocrite but it needs to be spelled out. I am starting to think that he isn’t the actual problem but that you might be.

I mean this in the nicest possible way: Look for professional help, an online forum won’t cut it for you and things are likely to get worse.

Big Bag of Chips

@Jequ0n, You've been around long enough to know that this is an advice forum. Posters come asking advice on a range of issues. Sometimes it is easier to seek out independent anonymous opinion before taking that step towards formal help. And often it is the first step people are able to take before making the bigger step of seeking real life advice. Sometimes professional help isn't needed, and the person can reach a conclusion having read replies here.

Please do not rubbish the choice of any person to post here looking for advice, and be kind in the advice you impart.

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118284482#Comment_118284482

I went to a counsellor before and was told I was just feeling anxious as a serious relationship was all new to me and there was “nothing wrong” with me.

The only thing I’m guilty of is overthinking and worrying about being a good partner. I do feel this is relationship anxiety and it’s something that I can work through. I was just wondering if anyone had any insight or similar experiences? And how can I get over it?

BingCrosbee

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282319#Comment_118282319

OP, if you are getting passive aggressive, it means that you are not allowed (by him or by your own limitations) to address things you don't like in a direct way. Have you told your counsellor, that you are not addressing things in a direct way? You might figure out, why it happens.

If you and your behaviour changed in a bad way while you are with him, just get out of it. Save yourself first, take counselling and find a solution.

He reassures me everything is ok but I’m not convinced.

I can reassure you too. Everything is perfectly OK for him. At your cost.

You need to see a counsellor who specialises in relationships. These will do you the world of good. Whatever people tell you on boards won't fully solve it.

Best of luck, it will get better.

Windmill100000

Hi op. Is the anxiety about you and him, or the relationship you have with yourself, i.e not feeling good enough?

You can't expect him to bear the brunt of your anxiety that was caused by previous relationships.

Your behaviour is leading you to the one outcome you don't want.

I think you could do with examining your own self esteem. If you believed yourself to be loveable and worthy of a happy, healthy relationship, the doubts and anxiety you feel would not have such a hold on you.

The end of a relationship can batter self esteem, multiple breakups can be even more damaging and make someone question if there is something wrong with them. Relationships break up for many different reasons. Perhaps you are carrying grief from previous ones and turning that inward and expecting a similar outcome now so are self-sabotaging.

I think some counselling for self esteem could really help you.