Disagreement over having a child during Covid

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118253618#Comment_118253618

As someone who works with children, I can assure you, school-aged children won't be happier in the long run due to Covid. I see kids with anxiety, addiction to devices etc etc all due to lockdown.

The post is honest rather than toxic, and suggesting the OP is depressed is irresponsible.

As for providing life with direction, I don't think that's a good reason to have kids. So many people think having children is a way of dealing with things they have going on in their lives, looking for fulfilment or papering over cracks in relationships, but these are all absolutely the wrong motivation for having children in my opinion.

Hannibal_Smith

I think it's a very personal thing for yourself and your girlfriend to discuss OP. For decades we always heard the phrase 'who'd bring a child into a world like this', so I bet you're not alone in how you're thinking not in these current times or any other!

I can't blame you to be honest. Lock down hasn't been that bad on us and the work life balance is incredible! For every downside we've experienced parenting wise there have been a fair amount of positives too. Will our kids suffer long term because of their experience? Maybe but I bet some will benefit from the lessons they've picked up. How it will turn out no one knows. But I think some with younger children have found it more difficult than we have.

We all have a choice, press pause on our lives until Covid passes or carry on (within safety guidelines/advice) with them. Only you can decide what's right for you and I don't think anyone can tell anyone else the way they're facing it is wrong.

If you have decided you absolutely do not want children until covid passes, yourself and your girlfriend need to have that conversation so that she can consider her options too.

kippy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118254916#Comment_118254916

Interesting points. There will be long term psychological effects for a proportion of kids after Covid. The same with adults no doubt. I don't think it's a reason not to have a kid however.

As for kids papering over the craics, true in some cases. Kids are a distraction from a lot of things. Some of us need distractions.

ted1

Sounds like your girlfriend already has a child.

if she got pregnant tomorrow it’ll be 9 months before you see a baby and another 5 years after that befire you have to worry about it wearing a mask to school.

ive 3 kids they’ve had a good life regardless of Covid

spaceHopper

Your GF is right do it now.

Things were bad back in march 2020 and Jan 2021 but they improving, Luke O’Neill said in the radio that pandemics historically take about 4 years to end so I’m guessing we have at least one more year of this. Covid is here to say but it will fall into the background like the Spanish flu did. But what if something else happens after that, a recession, a sick parent…

Don’t let COVID be the decider, was it you that wanted to wait a year or two or her? Do you want kids, if it wasn’t for Covid would you haven one now? If you don't want kids you better be honest about it with you GF.

Kids need one thing above all Love and been home more with work from home covid has silver lining I’m a Dad of twins and they rock, I was 39 when they were born, been 33 and a dad well you have more energy, don’t put it off. 

TheadoreT

In historic terms there's really never been a safer time to bring a child into the world. Your reasoning is so irrational that it's either a deflection tactic or you've fallen so deep into covid angst that you need professional help.

I know of several babies born in covid times and familes all doing well, if anything the "new normal" has given people much more quality time with their kids. They adapt to whatever environment they're born into.

facehugger99

If you don't want to have a child it sounds like you need to come up with a better excuse than Covid.

rob316

We agreed to have our 2nd back in Feb 2020, fell pregnant just as the pandemic started. Yes it was different, I couldn't go to scans, couldn't be their for long at the birth. Couldn't do the usual visiting with the new baby, didn't have much family over but ya know what? I couldn't care. Covid stuff is only all noise, life goes on. I still go home to my baby and wife everyday as normal and spend the same time together. Don't let this shite come between you and your partner making a family now.

Piollaire

My thoughts are that you know the answer yourself - you are leading her up the garden path. At her age she really wants to get on with having children. She will be devastated if you flake on her now - your rationalisations won't cut it. She won't know if you will ever go through with having children. Starting over for her will be tough but the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

California Dreamer

I think whatever way i say this its going to sound mean, but jesus dude, sh1t or get off the pot!!

Covid is such a crap excuse NOT to want kids. Also as someone else said, do you think you are going to fire one in and boom she's pregnant? Sure that can happen but how about she comes off contraception (assumming she is on something) allow time for her body to regulate, get a normal cycle going and start trying. It could take a month, it could take 2 years, you don't know!

I was 46 having my first, my wife is a lot younger. I am tired all the time, have little free time, and spend spare cash on the kid and I wouldnt change a thing for a minute!!! 3 years later, we decided to talk about having another one and actually hit the mark on the first go. I am delighted! Hearing the words 'daddy' from a tiny human you made is amazing!

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058220724/disagreement-over-having-a-child-during-covid

Covid will have no impact on your hypothetical baby,

thoughts:

you don’t want a kid

Uptheduff

We had our first in March 2020 just as the first restrictions came in. We cocooned ourselves at home for the first few months without every Tom Dick and Harry knocking on our door wanting a gawp. It was lovely.

Between maternity leave and PUP and WFH, our child has had one of her parents with her every day up until very recently when she started crèche at 20 months old. She's a sociable, content little person whose only knowledge of the pandemic is knowing the word "mask". I have no worries about her. I very much doubt she'll remember the pandemic. I seriously don't expect there to be restrictions ongoing by the time she's ready to start school. (I could be wrong of course but I think that's an overly pessimistic expectation.)

I think your fears are fairly unrealistic.

A baby doesn't do anything that would be affected by covid for the first few years of their lives.

Given that, as everyone has said, it's gonna be 6 years before the kid is going to school, I think there's something more going on here. Your refusal based on covid just doesn't seem likely.

witchgirl26

OP I went back from maternity leave 6 weeks before the first lockdown in March 2020. And honestly, I'm so thankful in a lot of ways because I got time at home with my little boy that so many parents did not before me. It was great. The main effect Covid has probably had on him has been testing (coz he's prone to chest issues a bit), us not really knowing the other parents in creche the same way as would have been before & a little less socialising. That said, he's 2.5 years old and it doesn't seem to be bothering him at all! He's in creche every day so he gets to socialise with other children. Mask wearing for him is a long way in the future if at all & mainly he's just learnt that washing his hands is important (not a bad lesson).

Yes there could be restrictions in relation to hospital visits etc but honestly my partner didn't come to any bar the scans with me. It was just grand to do them myself & neither of us felt the need for him to be there fore them all.

There is never a "right" time to have children - there's always something whether it's this, or money, or anything else. You just need to see is it right for the 2 of you right now.

dotsman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118253304#Comment_118253304

The marriage question isn't relevant in my eyes. I am committed, that really isn't in question in my eyes, I have issues with marriage for other reasons.

I'm sorry, but you can't brush this off that easily, and is probably a big part of the challenges you face with your girlfriend now. What are the "other" reasons you have with marriage?

The whole concept of marriage is a commitment to be a family. I'm not talking about the hocus-pocus religious side. Nor the "big-splurge" wedding. I am talking about the legal. Why are you against signing a piece of paper to say that you are committed to this girl for the rest of your lives? Why are you against it being "official" that the two of you are a couple? Especially when there are massive legal and financial advantages to doing so?

Children are for life, not just a "few good years". And while some marriages do break down, the fact that you are not willing to marry her in the first place means you are really standing on very thin ice when it comes to planning on bringing a life into this world.

There is a very simple checklist before deciding to have a baby

• Do I want to have kids? (not "are they fun for a few hours/days?", or "isn't it exciting/fun?", but "am I happy to have kids 24/7 throughout all the age ranges for the rest of my life, and who will dominate said life?")
• Can I take care of myself independently (not relying on parental support or state benefits etc)?
• Can we afford to care for a child independently?
• Do I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner by my side, where I am tied to them emotionally, legally and financially?
• Am I happy to give up 90% of my social life and personal plans etc, at least for the next 5-10 years?

If the answer to any of the above are "no", then you are not ready to have kids. Because that's all that matters and anything else is just BS.

Humria

OP what struck me about your post is that you said your girlfriend is unaware of how strongly you feel about it and that it means that you are not certain of when you'll feel comfortable about having children.

You owe her an honest conversation about how you are feeling about it. The pandemic could last years. You may never feel comfortable bringing a child into the world and that's legitimate. You are entitled to feel that way and if it means you don't want children, then that's your decision.

What you're not entitled to do is be vague about when you want children and string your girlfriend along for a few years. My guess is that you haven't told her because you're avoiding a difficult conversation and there's an urge to push it out for another year. You owe her the truth - you don't know if, or when, you'll want to start having children because of the pandemic.

3DataModem

A public health nurse confirmed to me that children born in the first half of last year have thrived better than most, largely because the parents were left to get on with it without friends / family interfering, dropping by and disrupting things, etc.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118252973#Comment_118252973

The lady is always right in these matters. Assuming you are otherwise generally happy together, go with the flow.

shesty

Kids are great life coaches.They don't give you single second to worry about future or past, you are in the here and now with them because they want you RIGHT NOW all the time.☺

Parenting a teen in your 50s is one thing but I can tell you now that we are programmed to be fertile young for a reason.Kids are exhausting.Honestly, the younger you start, the more energy you have.The more energy she has to get through a pregnancy.I had mine at 31, 33 and 35 and by number 3, I was struggling.I am 39 now and on the go constantly with them.

My eldest was halfway through Junior Infants when this started.It's been pretty rubbish for them.But the other side of it is that very early on we had to accept there was just more risk in our lives than for individual adults.Kids touch stuff, they get in people's way, they are all over each other and you know what, by now, I just let them.It brings a lot of this into perspective and makes you realise how ridiculous it all is.

Working from home has been a godsend for many parents.My kids were more traumatised when I started to go back to the office once a week, they couldn't remember when I had been there 4 or 5 days.And I don't work particularly long hours.They simply could not understand why I would need to be gone most of the day when I just hadn't been for the 20 months prior to it.

I do think you need to ask yourself what this is really about.Covid isn't a reason - if anything, having kids will teach you better than anything else that everything is temporary.You seem to have doubts but be clear with yourself why they are actually there.It may not be Covid.

c.p.w.g.w

Myself and my wife started to try after getting married, literally straight away she fell pregnant, but we lost it(well it was an empty sack pregnancy so we never had anything to lose)...and been trying since with no joy...that's 10 months now

anndub

My second child was 5 months old when the first lockdown started. He is a very confident, happy, endearing child. Adored by all he meets. Bearing in mind he isn't in crèche and so has been completely deprived of social contact due to the closure of most play groups etc it's had virtually no impact on him. He adore my parents who he has spent significantly less time with them his older sister had by this age as they live in a different county to us. Children instinctively know and love their grandparents or anyone who dotes on them and their parents really.

There have been huge benefits to the pandemic as far as I'm concerned. We slowed down such benefited our children hugely and we have been able to spend much more time with our children thanks to working from home. It's also been a time of serious personal growth which was forced by us having to cope.

Whether you're allowed into the hospital or not is not really an argument for you, that mostly impacts your partner.

I can't really understand any of your concerns, COVID is a fairly minor event in the grand scheme of things. It's certainly not something to base massive life choices upon.

Time to stop dancing, Fred.

heretothere

It sounds to me like covid is an excuse. Also you don't seem that worried about potentially loosing your gf and say if she decides to go have kids with someone else, like it wouldn't be that big of a deal to you!

Kids don't just happen, we started trying when I was 31. In 12 months I've had two miscarriages and am currently pregnant again. I am very hopefully with this one, but it can be a long process.

manonboard

Hello Fred OP,

I read your posts and i had to think about it for a bit. Id like to say that i think there is something else going on for you about this. The pandemic restrictions in my eyes, are no where the level of problem that would justify to me not bringing a child into a family if that was your plan. Sure I could understand a few months delay if you could foresee some financial issues, or security issue with jobs.

To a child that is not yet concieved though? I think you are very genuine, but also highly irrationally spooked due to covid fear. I have a lung issue already, im definitely in the most likely to die category, so covid is scary to me.. but not to the level that you seem to have taken it.

Your child would only be born in the next 12 months. That's 3 years of society adapting. A few months here and there of some businesses closing. You can easily set up bubbles of contacts to remain social. Vaccines, boosters, certificates, natural immunities, lessening severity variants, and a general increase in the number of people already exposed and surviving this new illness. Your child would barely comprehend many important aspect until another 2 years later. Thats nearly 6 years after covid beginning.

Between financial crisis, environmental issues, terrorist attacks, wars, cost of living, and health scares. There is never a perfect time to have a baby. I dont see any reason why this time is more difficult that any of the last scares we have all ad.

I do think covid is serious, deathly so in my case, but society has been adapting very well to something so shocking and so fast. Your new child will never know the world before it. They will measure the enjoyment of their moments based on their experience. The generations before us had far bigger worries and comforts, your child will live an initial life beginning that could only be dreamed of 30-40 years ago.

Given how reasonable sounding you come across in the posts, I do wonder if there is something else up in you that either is making you super sensitive to this, or maybe subconsciously avoiding the baby making. I hope that in no way i come across as judgey or disapproving.

Do you feel your own life has changed so much or become so unlikeable that its not fit for a new person to live in? (whilst acknowledging its always getting better). I feel like i lost many things the last two years.. but life also kept providing new people, dynamics, work from home, more personal time etc.

What do you think about talking to a therapist about this issue? Just to check if there are some underlying fears maybe pushing you to view things in a critical way?

cj maxx

OP, I only read your first few lines , until you mentioned schools etc.

That's at least 6 years away if you try now. This isn't the first or worse or maybe the last pandemic humanity has gone through.

It shouldn't be a factor in your decision.

Fred Astaire

Can a mod close this?

Most new responses (while I appreciate the time taken to write them) are just a regurgitation of things that were already said.

Thanks.