Sleeping in one bed

JoChervil

I came across this situation in another thread. A man was obviously shocked that a married couple, especially after few years together, can sleep in separate beds.

What is your take on it? For me it is perfectly normal. One partner can snore, can have Restless Legs Syndrom, turn too much in a bed waking other, or simply breathe with open mouth into another person's face, if they sleep on their opposite sides. Reasons might be many.

I am a foreigner, so I might have different view. But is it really that strange to have separate bedrooms? And if it is, so how long after marriage you would accept it as normal?

Gregor Samsa

I had a friend when I was a teenager who's parents slept in separate bedrooms. The dad worked nights, so it was less disruptive this way. But that's the only example of it that I'm aware of, although I assume it's much more common than that. I suppose it depends on how many bedrooms and children you have as to how feasible it is even if it is desirable.

We invested in the biggest bed we could get (Super King Size) when our twins were due (they being our 2nd and 3rd children), as we knew we'd need the space if they were going to be coming into the bed. Side effect of that is that myself and my wife have plenty of space in the one bed. Snoring can be an issue sometimes, but a swift kick usually sorts that out.

Personally, I don't actually like sleeping alone. I like it that my wife is there beside me, even if we're just asleep on the other sides of a big bed.

JoChervil

I prefer to sleep with my partner as well. Yet I turn too much and I feel guilty that I am waking him up. We even bought this mattress with separate springs, so it doesn't move but still...

But if I heard of people sleeping separately, it wouldn't be a shock to me.

Strumms

couples when one works nights do it all the time.

so do people when one snores/talks or one tends to move a lot in their sleep...

Darc19

Huge numbers sleep in different rooms and particularly prevalent once kids have grown up and fecked off out of the house.

Snoring, sleeping patterns, menopause, independence.

It's very normal in most countries, but here it's still taboo in certain groups - usually the more "Catholic" types.

To me, sharing the bed EVERY night is what's abnormal (and the opposite is abnormal to me also obv). Have to sleep on my own sometimes for a decent night's sleep.

Someone being shocked by that... yaysus.

JoChervil

I wouldn't give it a second thought, if I heard about people sleeping in separate bedrooms. I remember years ago reading about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones sleeping separately and I was more surprised that it was a sensation.

Princess Calla

I think the general assumption is a couple will share a bed.

As pointed out there are perfectly valid reasons why this may not be the case. Though I think it's the negative connotation that the relationship is lacking intimacy/love/sex that can often be assumed hence the "taboo" nature of admitting you don't share a bed.

I do find it odd when couples argue one will sulk off to the spare bedroom. I don't know there's a childishness/teenage strop element to that I think. Plus half the fun is plotting revenge while they snore away beside ya oblivious 😅

Jump_In_Jack

Recently had twins, not first children either, and the wife has demanded that I must sleep in another room until I sort out my snoring and get the snip.

To be fair her sleep was ravaged by the twins for a year so I can’t begrudge her whatever she wants now to allow her to get decent sleep.

No real clue how to sort out the snoring, maybe I should ask my GP?

I read very late and that it keeps her awake, and the snoring, so it’s really a no- brainer to sleep in another room.

I do wonder if the children will find is strange though if it goes on much longer.

On a positive for me, she is a demon for sleep grabbing the blanket and rolling over and wrapping it around herself so I wake up wondering why I’m cold.

I also have to take work calls at night sometimes so that’s another issue.

Plus if the urge arises, a quick **** to get to sleep is a lot easier to do in my own bed, particularly when sex is off the table for a while with the mrs! Sharing too much perhaps.

cj maxx

Sleeping in the same bed would be a must for me.

Wibbs

I know of couples who sleep in separate rooms, in their cases it's because yer man snores so loud ships at sea change course and yer wan can't get a wink. I can 100% understand that. I can't get anything like a good night's sleep with someone snoring in the room. I've been lucky with exes as none of them snored(and I've only had one duvet hogger), but on fishing trips away with mates and the like... Jesus after the second night I had murderous thoughts involving pillows over the face. 😡😂

This snoring lark seems to be very much more a male thing? I've personally only known of one woman who was a champion snorer. One guy I knew was diagnosed with sleep apnea and needed some medical device to keep air going to his lungs. Being fat seems to be a major cause of it, though I've known skinny snorers that would wake the dead. Those that sleep on their back seems to be another cause. I can't sleep on my back at all. If I end up in that position I'm already awake.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216508/sleeping-in-one-bed

it is more unusual in ireland for this to happen, but i know a couple that have been doing this for years, and they are very happily married, the husband absolutely swears by it

honeyjo

After years of terrible sleep next to my snoring partner, we now sleep in separate beds. I was exhausted and ratty all the time.

Vita nova

A German double bed is typically two single mattresses and bed clothes side-by-side on the one bed frame, seems like it might work here for bed hoggers, kickers, flailers, etc. that don't want separate beds.

In the early days of US TV shows, couples always slept in separate beds in the same bedroom. One of the first shows where a couple slept in the same double bed was The Brady Bunch, which was also a bit of an in-joke if you knew the history of Robert Reed (Mike Brady) and Florence Henderson (Carol Brady).

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118121610#Comment_118121610

In Poland I never slept on my back. I slept most of the time on my stomach. Strangely when I moved to Ireland I changed my sleep position and rarely sleep on my stomach. I mostly slept on my back but few times I woke myself up with a sound like a snore, so I try to avoid this position.

I heard that white people (not sure, if this is PC nowadays) have an uneven septum. Also heard that one should sleep on the right side, that it is easier for internal organs. So I have uneven septum and when I sleep on my left side, I sometimes have difficulties with breathing because one nostril gets completely closed then. So maybe this uneven septum is for a reason to force me to sleep on my right side for my better health?

Fionne

I don't see anything wrong with it. I snore plus I also occasionally have nightmares and/or sleep paralysis where I will be wailing like a banshee because my brain has woken up but my body is still in that paralysed state we all go into to prevent us from acting out our dreams. Himself has been scared sh1tless on a few occasions by my wailing/screaming during the night. I have a back problem now as well so when I get the bed to myself, I relish being able to stretch out properly and without having to listen to snoring/farting/breathing from his side.

Seperate beds can not just save relationships, but perhaps lives - have you never sat there with murderous intent on your mind while someone's breathing/snoring stops you from much-needed sleep? 😲

Mister Vain

I do an extraordinary amount of farting in bed so I wouldn't want to be subjecting anyone to a dutch oven.

JoChervil

My parents moved to separate bedrooms, when my father hit my mum in her head with his elbow. He was such a sound sleeper, that he didn't even noticed. But it happened way after we all moved out, so they had spare bedrooms for it.

So yes, in some cases it can be life saving 🤔

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118122812#Comment_118122812

Yeah, small fart can be kind of cute, adding humanity to a partner. But dutch oven can definitely kill romance.

Pherekydes

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118121610#Comment_118121610

My wife is a premier league snorer. I snore too, but she falls asleep way quicker than I do. I've just gotten used to it.

Wibbs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118123396#Comment_118123396

I dunno how I'd deal with that TBH. OK if it happened after you were years together, but outa the box that would be up there with a serious game over for me.

BrianD3

My parents started doing this from about age 50, both started getting up a few times during the night to use the toilet so presumably separate beds reduced disruption.

Then from about age 60 it was separate rooms as well.

I was only a kid at the time and thought it was abnormal, my friends' parents shared a bed and may have still been having sex. They were considerably younger than my parents though.

xzanti

I'm a light sleeper and a demon if I don't get a good sleep. My husband not only snores but he talks and makes sudden movements in his sleep. So the only way our marriage can really work is if we have separate rooms. Our marriage is very healthy in other 'departments' if ya know what I mean.

Works great for us.

Sinus problems cause snoring too.

Wheety

Separate beds is a great idea in my opinion. We have a spare bed. Nice to be able to go in and have a peaceful sleep. Doesn't mean you love your partner any less.

Whatever works for people I think id be lonely sleeping on my own at this stage.

I sleep in two beds, not always at once.

Larbre34

Queen of England and Duke of Edinburgh had separate bedrooms all their married life. Had 4 kids and lived to be 99 and 95+.

So thats how good an idea it is.

Only discussion is, who gets left with the wet patch occasionally.

Hotblack Desiato

It's very normal in most countries, but here it's still taboo in certain groups - usually the more "Catholic" types.

In the 80s my mother used to tut-tut when we'd see the bedroom on the sitcom Terry and June, because they had twin beds...

Queen of England and Duke of Edinburgh had separate bedrooms all their married life. Had 4 kids and lived to be 99 and 95+.

They used to have sex by Royal Appointment 😁

HBC08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118123396#Comment_118123396

Same as that,I'm a big snorer but it doesn't bother her as she conks out for 8 hours no problem every night.She snores slightly from time to time but I'm a ight sleeper so it's drives me nuts. Fortunately we have a few spare room so I just head down to one of them when this happens.

Cushtie

I was booted out to the spare room a couple of years ago due to my snoring and waking up suddenly with what was like a shotgun going off "snort". Herself liked to read as well and the light drives me nuts. Even if I had eye cover on, once I knew the light was on I couldnt settle. Anyway turns out I have sleep apnea. Now have a machine for that, back in the bed and herself has a kindle so all is good in the world. We are both getting a good night's sleep.

My own parents have slept in separate rooms for years. My father is a champion snorer.

Hotblack Desiato

Some subtle "we have a really big house" posts, well done 😛

JoChervil

Well, Windsor Castle etc. make it certainly easier...

JoChervil

I wonder, if sleeping in separate bed/bedrooms makes positive or negative impact on people's sex life?

I think separate bedrooms can create an opportunity for quality over quantity.

My sister & brother in law did (possibly still do) when he worked nights.

Even in the absence of a reason such as snoring, night shifts, some people just rather their own space and because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you have to sleep in the same room or bed. It's not abnormal, it's just uncommon I guess.

Now I'd hate to have a separate bed to the Mrs, but I can't see it as being some sort of bad thing. I wonder if the idea around it being negative is perhaps due to TV or the likes, when you'd see couples going through a divorce or whatever living together in separate rooms or whatever. Might just put in people's mind a sign of an unhealthy relationship?

Either way different strokes an all that. There's no right or wrong way just whatever keeps each other happy!

I sleep in the spare room when I need to be up early because my husband snores. I also snores but he falls asleep quicker than I do so "misses out" :p

Paul_Mc1988

I work 4 weeks days 4 weeks nights. When on nights I sleep in the other room. Even on my days off while working nights my sleep pattern is screwed up so it's unfair on her if I keep the phone or tele on in the room

Purple Mountain

I'm currently single but I always find if I have to share a bed with someone, even a friend, I wake with a sore back.

I think it's something with weight distribution.

Anyway, I think the perfect compromise would be a large bedroom with a single and double bed.

Start the night off in the double for some cuddles and whatever else takes your fancy and then go your separate ways to get some sleep 🤗

Shao Kahn

Never been able to fall asleep easily with someone next to me. Dunno, just find it distracting or something. Hard to explain.

So I sleep in a separate room. But my gf doesn't like it, so very often ends up coming into the room in the middle of the night. Doesn't really bother me at that point, as I'm very sleepy and I barely notice.

I do like waking up beside her in the morning though. That part is great.

I wouldn't judge anyone, whatever works for you basically.

ByTheSea2019

I'd say snoring is the biggest reason and it says nothing about the relationship.

I know a person with the ability to wake up soneone in the next room, never mind the same one.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118129480#Comment_118129480

Congratulations on the nuptials. 😍😍

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118129723#Comment_118129723

Ah thanks very much 😄😄

Best compromise is a double bed and a racing car bed.

Purple Mountain

Lol

Purple Mountain

Lol

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118126809#Comment_118126809

Sure. Sleeping together night(s) is sex night.

Separate bedrooms always felt healthy to us too. Random who ends up where on any given night.

Usually it is determined by whether going to bed at same time or much later than each other. If I am going much later I hate sneaking in trying not to disturb - especially if there is work the next day. Much prefer having my own room to go back to without disturbing anyone.

Going to bed at the same time usually means together though.

seamus

Separate bedrooms has always secretly been code for "Irish divorce" - i.e. a couple who are no longer actually together but couldn't get divorced because it was illegal or because they're old-school Catholic.

Pretty outdated attitude now though. I can certainly see how someone being a light sleeper might find it very difficult to sleep well when their partner moves a lot or makes a lot of noise.

If excessive snoring (to the point of waking half the house) is a problem for you or your partner, then talk to your GP about trying out a CPAP machine. These are a bit stigmatised as only being necessary for super-obese Americans, but I'm hearing of more and more people trying them out and having great results from it. Apnoea can have a strong genetic component and affect anyone, not necessarily just giant fatsos.

Snoring and moving around the bed a lot leads to a miserable night's sleep for the person being kept awake by it.

Nobody genuinely thinks a relationship is in trouble because of a practical backup plan to address this very mundane matter. Why is sharing a bed the arbiter of relationship strength anyway? Slightly more to it. Addressing matters that cause discomfort is a healthy thing to do in a relationship.

When you have to get up for work, your sleep is more important than some constructed notion. Different story when you're off.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder too!

Outkast_IRE

I think for alot of people sleeping in separate beds only comes into the mix when babies are born , and night time feeds can be all over the place.

When our first was born he had very bad silent reflux for 5-6 months. So he didnt sleep much , so we took turns in the spare bedroom and swapped over around 4-5am. Since the small fellas sleep has gotten better and he sleeps through we are back into the same bed.

But i agree with others , if there is night working or snoring etc going on then you just need to do what works for them.