Partner bringing me down

elt42

Hi.

looking for some advice please!! My partner of 2 years, both in our mid 40s, has commented that he won’t be around for much longer and would I look after the pets. He’s also said this life is **** and that he is unhappy. I’ve asked him to get help and to explain to me what he means and is it us he is unhappy with or just life in general but he just shuts down and tells me to forget about it, as if I can when that stuff is being said. We never do anything together he never does anything other than be on his phone playing games or watching tv. I’ve suggested he go out with friends or join up to something with the lads but he says he isn’t bothered. It’s starting to affect me and I dread coming home after a long day in work as I know his mood will be the same. It feels like the only time he is happy is when he is having a few drinks, don’t get me wrong he doesn’t drink every day. If he is in bad mood it’s silence in the house, 1 short word responses when I ask a question or annoyance that I’ve even asked how his day is. I’m getting to the stage where I’m lost as to what I should do. Yes I love him but it’s affecting me, I’m normally a bubbly person and im loosing who I am. If I’m too happy he is guaranteed to change that by being in bad form. Help!!

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058216170/partner-bringing-me-down

people who say things like that never follow through and do anything

Dial Hard

By "won't be around much longer" is he implying he's getting ready to leave the relationship or is he expressing suicidal ideation???

Either way, by the rest of your description he sounds clinically depressed but if he's vocalising suicidal thoughts then you need to get him professional help ASAP. Whether you think he actually "means" it or not, he's beyond your capacity to help right now.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110175#Comment_118110175

I agree. He is asking for help, which you can't provide.

Hermy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110155#Comment_118110155

Not true.

Still stihl waters 3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110155#Comment_118110155

Idiotic statement

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110155#Comment_118110155

This is patently untrue and downright dangerous advice. Pieta House recommend acting on *any* suicidal ideation, regardless of how likely you think the person is to act on it.

dublin49

very dangerous for any poster to offer advice here as it could be the exact wrong advice as these circumstances are too serious to comment on IMO.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110155#Comment_118110155

Yet the highest rate of suicide in Irish society is not, contrary to popular belief, among younger men but rather in that precise 45-54 age category of men to which the op's partner belongs.

https://www.irishexaminer.com/news/arid-30832776.html

"Yes I love him but it’s affecting me, I’m normally a bubbly person and im loosing who I am. If I’m too happy he is guaranteed to change that by being in bad form. Help!!"

Do you show him you love him? Saying it is easy. Not blaming you at all, but my experience is that this sort of behaviour does not emerge in a vacuum. There's always a context. Often it's the woman shutting down, particularly in terms of the deep connection sex gives to guys, and going around "happy" because she has moved on emotionally - often after she has the kids (which doesn't seem to apply in your case) - and he is bereft of his companion.

That would put most men down. Suggesting he goes out to find new friends because he's down because his partner has taken away her companionship is disingenuous. Again, this may not be true in your situation but perhaps listening to him, really listening, rather than dismissing him might be a decent start? The "He has mental health issues" stuff is usually a cop-out from people who wish to avoid dealing with things. Stigmitise them and then feel better about any role one might have in what's happening.

elt42

Hi Anamcheasta,

thanks for the advice but to clarify yes I do show him I love him, my companionship is very much there.

the context for this situation is my partner has carried issues from his past which I will not get into, he also does not believe in professional help and he doesn’t agree with people who talk to others. He also believes men don’t need help.

when I try to talk I get told to forget about it and let it go. Very hard to listen to someone who will not take the time to have a meaningful conversation with you.

I am also not copping out, I am looking for help on how to get someone who will not talk to talk.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110175#Comment_118110175

He needs to get help asap, this isn't the OP's responsibility. I think the distinction is important because although OP may do everything to support and direct him toward help, whether he takes it or not is ultimately up to him, and these things are always complex, particularly if the partner doesn't believe in talking to professionals/seeking support etc.

OP if you can encourage him to talk to his GP or other professionals, and you can also try checking in with Pieta House yourself as they can signpost you toward support services that you can encourage him to engage with. I dated someone for a while a couple of years back who said similar things and it was incredibly difficult to partner someone with those kinds of issues, so do look after yourself too, because your wellbeing is as important.

Hannibal_Smith

Hi elt42,

Thank you for your post, I am sorry to read about the difficulties your partner is having.

We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If someone needs help urgently and outside of GP hours, they can seek help at their nearest A&E department.

Here at Boards.ie our moderators are not trained to support people experiencing difficulties. There are other organisations better positioned to provide specialised support. These organisations are listed below. We hope that your partner will follow these up so that he can get the help and support he needs.

If you need immediate help:

Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click 'Contact us' to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email mary@pieta.ie for advice on getting an appointment.

Text about it - text HELLO to 50808 to speak to a Crisis Volunteer in a safe space via text. Service available 24/7.

If your partner needs non-urgent help:

Aware have a support email service at supportmail@aware.ie

There are some other useful services that you can use also listed here. 

Text About It - is a free 24/7 text service, providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for people going through a mental health or emotional crisis - big or small. text HELLO to 50808

I hope the above is of some help to your partner. In the circumstances I'm going to close the thread here and wish yourself and your partner all the best.

Thanks

HS