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Feeling down about friend

  • 23-10-2021 8:04pm
    Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭

    I’m feeling confused and hurt about a friendship. I would have considered this girl my best friend but for the past good while I never hear from her. She never messages me first and if I message her, her response is always a few words and cold. I miss the way it was when we’d chat all the time and have a laugh. She seems more serious now. I don’t know if she will ever be the same friend she was. Perhaps she has just changed or she’s just not interested in being close friends anymore. She recently got married and I was at her wedding. But it turned out she went on her Honeymoon for 2 weeks and I was in the same city for 3 days and was really looking forward to meeting up for a few drinks. I bumped into her in the foreign country and gave her a nice greeting etc but she was so cold and didn’t make any effort. She didn’t want to meet for drinks and I later texted her saying I was upset but nothing has changed since. It’s not like I’m looking to meet all the time, I rarely see her but I miss hanging out with her, and mostly it’s the chats I miss. I feel like she feels she doesn’t need me anymore but I do need my friends. 

    I just don’t know how or if I can fix it. She was saying I expect too much from her but it’s not much to expect the odd message… a lot of the time I really want to tell her stuff or see what she’s up to and can’t cos we’re so distant and it was always me initiating contact. I don’t wanna be contacting someone who isn’t interested in me at all.. 

    can this be fixed? Do I just cut contact? I tried to tell her how I felt and she accused me of making her feel guilty and nothing changed but I was only saying how I felt. I haven’t contacted since the last time I saw her and haven’t seen or heard from her and it’s a month now. Just feeling down about it and feel she doesn’t care the way I do. I feel lonely and don’t know what to do


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,979 ✭✭✭Caranica

    Relationships often change people, my former best friend cut everyone from her past life out of her life when she got married.

    A dear departed friend once told me that everyone in our lives is either a drain or a radiator and only one type keep you warm. From what you've posted she sounds like a drain. It's not easy but it sounds like cutting her out of your life would be the best thing for you in the long term.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,911 ✭✭✭joeguevara

    Do you think it’s appropriate to interrupt a newly married couples honeymoon to go for drinks. Also was it really the case that you randomly bumped into someone on their honeymoon in a foreign country. Even if completely innocent, you have to see how someone could view it as an invasion of privacy.

    Its completely understandable that you are hurt that someone who you considered a a best friend has pulled away. You told her how you felt but she felt your expectations are too much.

    The situation is hurting you. Friendships shouldn’t be one sided. You mention that you are lonely and you need your friends. The current situation could be exacerbating this. Hopefully things will work out.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,929 ✭✭✭rolling boh

    I think if a couple are on honeymoon it's their time and generally don't want to bump into people friends or otherwise from home .For all sorts of reasons friends come and go so you should never get to invested in one or two people for friendship. I know you will hear of lifelong friends and of course that happens but I think those situations are in the minority .People 's circumstances change and so does their life so past friendships can be put aside not nice for people but it happens so people should broaden their circle if at possible .

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,120 ✭✭✭I am me123

    Friends come and go. As regards, ' making an effort' goes, friendships are two sided and both parties need to be interested in continuing the friendship for it to continue, not just one. If this isn't the case, you need to move on.

    Best of luck.

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,208 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx

    can this be fixed? Do I just cut contact? I tried to tell her how I felt and she accused me of making her feel guilty and nothing changed but I was only saying how I felt. I haven’t contacted since the last time I saw her and haven’t seen or heard from her and it’s a month now. Just feeling down about it and feel she doesn’t care the way I do. I feel lonely and don’t know what to do

    I would just leave it. If she makes contact, so be it, if not, well that tells you all you need to know. I wouldn't have made contact while they were on honeymoon, tbh.

    People change, friendships change. They do require a bit of effort, as life gets busier all around, whether it's someone getting married, having children, work, minding elderly parents, and whatever else.

    When I find that I am the one making all the effort, I stop, after a while. A former friend, if it was a while since I contacted her, would reply to any contact with 'long time no hear'... I pointed out eventually, that she had a phone and an email address, same as I did, and they worked both ways.

    As things are getting up and running again, maybe try out some new interests/ hobbies, not necessarily to make friends because that doesn't always happen. But to meet different people and enjoy doing something new.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,203 ✭✭✭Tork

    OP, I have been on both sides of this issue at different times. I'm not proud of it but I dropped an old friend some years ago because I no longer enjoyed their company. I began to dread meeting up with them and invented excuses not to catch up with them. If they had turned around and asked me what the problem was, I wouldn't have been truthful. Would telling them the unvarnished truth have done any good here? - I don't want to hang out with you any more because you now annoy the hell out of me and I feel drained after being with you? Believe me, even if I had listed out my ex-friend's faults like a shopping list and they'd gone away and fixed them, it wouldn't have saved things. It looks like this friendship has run its course and you're wasting your time trying to figure out how to fix things. Your ex friend is telling you in all sorts of ways that she isn't interested in keeping in contact. It's hard to accept I know but you should move on and try to broaden your own social circle.

  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    To be honest the honeymoon thing would have creeped me out and I can kinda see why she's taken a bit of step back from the friendship OP. Even if it was a massive coincidence you were in the same foreign city at the same time, and even if it was a massive coincidence you randomly ran into her in said city, it's still really odd to expect someone to meet up with you when they're on their honeymoon. And you also told her you were upset about it? Surely you can't be this oblivious?

    Tbh I don't think there's much coming back from that and any attempt to "fix" it will probably make you seem even more intense in her eyes. I think the best thing to do is to cool off yourself here from texting ect. Any possibility the friendship may naturally rebuild over time the willingness needs to be from her end. You'll only widen the divide by pushing things now.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3 cosmic fringes

    Mary this woman is not your friend. She might have been years ago but that's not how it is in 2021. You are stuck in the past and think you can return back to how you were. That's impossible. When people lose interest in a friend, they ain't upfront about it cos that's a mean thing to do. They drop hints that you're meant to pick up on. You're not so here they are spelt out for you.

    • Only you making the effort
    • Short, cold replies to texts. I bet she didn't reply straight away either
    • Not very friendly when you meet
    • No effort made to meet up

    YOu were at her wedding but I think she only wanted you there to make up the numbers or be polite. Expecting to meet a friend during a honeymoon is really weird and shows that youve problems reading the room. How did you both happen to be in the same city during her honeymoon? Please don't tell me you deliberately booked a holiday there when you heard where she would be going.

    Mary, you're failing to read the signs and if you try to contact her again, you might get a reply that will really upset you. She doesn't see you as a friend but as a needy nuisance. The honeymoon was probably the last straw and it was silly to expect anything from that. You sound really clingy and that is not an attractive quality in anybody. Please don't contact her again because itll be a disaster,

  • Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭Marymoore

    You are right. She doesn’t reply straight away to me either… takes days and then a short blunt reply. But when we actually hang out, she’s nice.

    i didn’t contact her on her honeymoon, as I said I randomly bumped into her… obviously I’m going to say hi… also her folks were on the honeymoon so it’s not like it was couple only…

    and as for you. You sound really judgmental yourself. Where do I sound clingy? Tell me one part of what I said that’s clingy. I’ve seen this friend about 2 or 3 times in the past year.. and she had only 2 other friends at her wedding, it was a very small affair so if she didn’t see me as a friend then she doesn’t have many friends.

  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    OP you can't open a thread looking for advice and then get defensive when you don't like it.

    The honeymoon part is really really weird. What city was it? Why were you there randomly at the same time as they were? Did she know you were going to be there?(seems like something you'd mention beforehand). And most of all why on earth did you tell her you were upset when she didn't want to meet up with you when she was on her honeymoon(who would!!).

    Honestly there's zero cause for confusion here, it's all based on that.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭Marymoore

    Well the fact she told me where she was going for her honeymoon when I was booking a break away she said would be cool if I went to same place. She was clearly being fake.. and then as soon as I booked it she said we’ll meet up for dinner and drinks but then got really cold once we were there. She shouldn’t have lied to me to be fair

  • Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭Marymoore

    whats the big fuss about honeymoon anyway? U have ur whole life with that person whats a few hours of one night out of it… surely it wud add a bit of life to it.. does it not get boring handing with the same person day in day out

  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how

    Clearly you don't understand just why many people choose to get married.

    Some people think as you do, I know of one lad who texted his mate while on honeymoon saying he had never been so bored, but most people see it as an opportunity to recover from the wedding planning, to digest the wedding experience itself and to get used to spending all the time with their spouse.

    You really need to appreciate this as it is your friends honeymoon to have as she and her partner wants and not for you to suggest/dictate what they need on it. If/when you get married, you can have the type of honeymoon you want. This is her time.

  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    OP this is all a bit The Cable Guy. I find it hard to believe that she asked you to come along, but if she did it would have been very jokingly. It feels like something you'd have mentioned in your opening post too.

    Sounds like you found out where she was going and hijacked it, and probably used social media to "bump" into her. Her reaction afterwards would attest to that.

    Probably nothing malicious involved but you missed the mark by a mile here and most people would be weirded out by it.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    I just don’t know how or if I can fix it. She was saying I expect too much from her but it’s not much to expect the odd message

     I tried to tell her how I felt and she accused me of making her feel guilty and nothing changed but I was only saying how I felt.

    OP, she has tried to tell you how to fix it. She needs space. By giving her space you're not ending the friendship or losing her. You're just giving her a chance to get her new life together. She's told you you're expecting too much from her and that she feels like you're making her feel guilty. If a friend tells you that, listen to her and back off or you will likely end up with her ending the friendship abruptly and then there will be no fixing it.

    So give her space, go meet other friends or spend time on a hobby or something that interests you. Friendships rarely stay the same and often change as you meet new people. Make allowances for that.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13

    She has told you EXACTLY what the problem is: you expect too much from her. You said it in your OP.

    You and she both have different views of what your friendship is, and how much time it should take out of either others lives. You are far more invested in the friendship than she is, and she has openly told you that you expect too much. Most people don’t, in my experience, say that unless someone has gotten really intense

    The honeymoon thing is frankly bizarre and intrusive. I really don’t think it’s a good idea to mention that again.

  • Registered Users Posts: 23,140 ✭✭✭✭recode the site

    Unfortunately we have this horrible pandemic on where it is hard for OP to make new friends to dilute the hurt of the situation. I think this os probably a situation quite widespread atm, so many meetings, events etc have been virtual. Hopefully this is a storm that OP can ride out until society is a bit more back in stride and more friends can be made, and the current scenario won’t feel so painful.

    Only the bereft of reason would want to swap lives with me. If the envious were rewarded with a life swap they would live with life limiting disease, reducing mobility, a stoma bag & decreasing renal function. Want that lot? I didn’t think so, pull in the f00k1ng horns 🤘