Grandparents - Level of Involvement/Help

MilkMusic

Hi just curious to hear what kind of level of involvement other people's parents have had in helping them with newborns/babies (if any)?

Notmything

None offered, but tbf we didn't expect much to begin with.

notAMember

double post

shesty

A bit but not on a daily basis here, if I am honest. Although my kids are a bit older now (7,5,3). They visit most weeks, held them as babies, do the odd babysitting night or afternoon and that's it really.We didn't want them involved in weekly childcare arrangements as we felt we would prefer if they were there for emergency backup, we would be really stuck if they were not available for any reason, we wanted to be able to call them at weekends for nights out and not feel bad they had also minded kids during the week, and we preferred them to be grandparents rather than childcare.Also I knew too many people who had all the grandparents involved in their weekly childcare for child 1, but then the second/third child came along and it was too much for grandparents, and they had to start looking for alternatives.Those were just our preferences now - obviously mightn't suit everyone.

smacl

Mother in law was absolutely brilliant in helping out with all her grandchildren, ours included. She's now mid 90s in a nursing home and all the grandkids love her to bits and are regular visitors. I do myself as well, she gave us a ton of help over the years and is a real linchpin to the family. My dad helped out as much as he could but was in a different part of the country. My mum not so much.

uptheduffagain

My parents have never babysat (or offered to babysit) my son, not even once. In-laws are more helpful and amenable but living in another part of the country.

MilkMusic

Thanks for your comments. My retired MIL has visited 5 times since the birth (baby is 5 months), staying an hour or two each time helping with housework, watching baby etc (each time at our request, never offering first and sometimes reluctantly). My SIL has 'babysat' once for an hour which she continues to remind us of. Apart from that we have had no help - no grandfathers, other grandmother ill.. Maybe this is typical nowadays. I think our expectations for help were far too high in the beginning. We are beginning to accept that we can only rely on each other.

El Gato De Negocios

My parents have been brilliant. We relocated to near them late last year and are about to start building a house. We are both currently WFH so they are taking our two after creche / ecce. Even when we lived in Dublin, when number 1 came along my mam came up every single week and stayed a night midweek so the little man wouldn't be in the child minders 5 days a week, this was completely her own choice and not something we ever would have asked. Would be lost without them tbh. They are both relatively young (mam just turned 65 and dad was 68 a wee while ago) and both in good health relatively speaking so. Our two are the only grandkids currently and tbh are likely to be the only two so that probably plays a part.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117702011#Comment_117702011

From talking to many people, I find people's expectations can vary vastly on this. It's a bit of a double edged sword.

Some people love getting lots of help from grandparents others resent it, and in the early days can feel like the grandmother is trying to take over or interfering.

Your MIL may be wary of stepping on your toes. Its also harder, being your MIL and not your own mum.

If you want more help, ask for it.

uptheduffagain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117702011#Comment_117702011

It's a tough one. I can count on one hand the number of times that me and OH have been out together (i.e. at night when we've had a babysitter) in the past three years. And with #2 on the way soon, it's even less likely to happen! Part of that is obviously due to Covid but a lot of it isn't. We used to look enviously on as our friends with kids had loads of help from family and went out together regularly, but have resigned ourselves to (as you said), relying on ourselves. Unfortunately it's not as easy as just 'asking for help' in some cases. Maybe it'll get better as the kids will get older and more manageable for my parents but I'm not counting on it.

shesty

To be honest, at 5 months, I wonder what you were expecting?? Everyone is happy for you to have a baby, but at the end of the day it is your baby and you are the parents, so most people get on with their lives once it arrives.

Seeing all the grandparents fairly regularly for visits might be a reasonable expectation (if that is your set up) but expecting them to be taking the baby for hours at a time or possibly to be giving you nights off every week is probably a bit much (not saying you were expecting that).You might have expected more interest in their grandchild, which is fair, but that doesn't always translate into help...which is also fair, because you do have to find your own way with it too.

banie01

I didn't expect any help or assistance from Grandparents and any I had was welcome.

The multi-generational family is IMO a great way to raise children and care for our elders. Do you cook, clean and change nappies for your parents? Provide them room and board or benefit in kind for their babysitting and chores? If you do, then you are being short changed, if you don't? Why not? Move them in and lock down that obligation to tend your baby and support the family with indentured labour.

Look the above is a little tongue in cheek but the simple truth is. It's your baby, it's your problem and if you need help? Be it for a break or just advice and a few minutes free time to catch up on the laundry? Ask for it, but be very much aware that noone has an obligation to give it to you.

Babies take a lot of work, I do hope you find a way to manage that load better. It's also very true that it takes a village to raise a child, sometimes that village is found outside our families and sometimes it's even paid for.

I know a lot of MILs, my own mother included, don't like to 'overstep ' when it's their sons children, it is somehow different if the grandchildren are their daughters kids.

My mother absolutely loves to be asked to help out, but feels like she can't offer too much, in case she is overbearing....

Princess Calla

I did alot of babysitting for my siblings but it was after they got out of nappies, could tell me what was wrong with them, usually in bed before parents left etc ........so basically zero work other than making sure house didn't burn down.

Now my siblings live in different parts of the country so they don't babysit for me. My BIL has minded the youngest once for a couple of hours while we took the eldest to hospital.

My mam (only grandparent alive and able) has minded the eldest alot as back up when he was too sick for creche, but when number 2 arrived I took a career break so she has only minded both twice for a couple of hours as something cropped up and I was stuck.

They are my kids my responsibility. Yeah it would be nice if the BIL minded them at night for us to go out for dinner but he's always busy....such is life. I'm sure if he has his own kids he'll want a babysitter but that will be a hard no from me....such is life

This seems to vary hugely, and I don't think you can ever rely on it or expect it. It's a bonus for many if they get help.

My parents are not great and to be honest we have to prod them to even visit or to be around for us to visit them as there have been lots of other grandchildren before ours. They have never minded the kids or given us a break at busy times but again I don't expect them to.

My wife's parents are 1.5 hours away and have visited us once in three years and we are expected to visit them once a month which can be tough going with a one and two year old and another on the way. They are not old but the expectation seems to be that we are there to help them rather than the other way around, which may be fair enough, given all they have sacrificed in the past.

So far we have just accepted this but with a third due and all of them three or under, we would love to know that if the sh*t hit the fan we have someone to rely on, but the reality is we would probably look to friends in such a situation.

I did my share of minding and favours for siblings but being the youngest the favour never got returned, which again is probably to be expected.

At the end of the day, they are our kids and it's our responsibility to mind them and we don't get too excited about the lack of support.

MilkMusic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117704582#Comment_117704582

I definitely wouldn't expect anyone to take him overnight at 5 months .Of course our baby is 100% our responsibility and no one elses. It's just the lack of interest, reluctance to visit and give a little bit of help is just a bit disappointing. MIL is healthy, retired and in mid 60s. She lives in the same county. There are no other grandchildren or commitments.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117705035#Comment_117705035

Some parents operate on the mantra "I reared my children and I'm done"

Also with covid etc people have had different reactions, so there might be something to there.

Also some people don't really "do" newborns and prefer when kids are that bit older.

There's not much you can do other than maybe invite over for Sunday lunch or say you're heading to xyz and would she like to join you...try to build the relationship that way.

shesty

It's the lack of interest so really I suppose?I understand that.I suppose all you can do is invite them to visit, just to build a relationship with the child.But equally, Covid may be having an effect there too, and also maybe they aren't sure of where they stand in a way too...not wanting to stand on toes or anything

It really depends I think. I have a friend who stays with her mother for a night every so often without her kids and they’d have dinner, a chat and a drink. The kids stay home with Dad for the night (two and five respectivally). The granny has no interest in small kids really. She would call into them for tea as well but not stay long.

My mother in law loves babies and smallies but isn’t so good with teenagers.

I think each to their own. Everyone is different.

irelandrover

My parents live in a different country and would love to be more involved then they are. My parents in law are great. They visited every few weeks in the first 8 months. Since then they have taken my daughter for a weekend every 6 weeks or so.

My brother lives close by and calls by every week, and babysits when we need. He has a great relationship with my daughter. My daughter hasn't seen my sister in law in about 2 year. She lives an hour away.

So its dependent on the person really, everyone is different. Its also completely dependent on what you expected. You seem to have expected that they would be highly involved. Personally i find newborns pretty boring and feel more in the way than anything when i visit friends with babies.

catrionanic

We are super lucky. My kids are the first grandchildren on both sides. My own parents live a couple of hours away but said that once I returned to work, they'd like to come down and mind the kids on a Monday. Which is amazing. They have since bought a second home 30 minutes away where they spend half the week, and my mum usually comes by on a Tuesday too to help me for a few hours. I'm heavily pregnant on #3 now and they have been taking the older two for a few overnight stays so that I can rest more. Super lucky. They are relatively young though - 64 and 66 - and retired in their late 50s.

My husband's family live in Wales so we don't see them as often, and they are also older and less fit. They've not visited since before covid but my MIL and her sister used to come over maybe three times a year to stay, and would be so helpful around the house and would get up with the kids while we slept on in the mornings. Pre-covid, we would go over there every 4-8 weeks and stay with them too.

Have a son who is 2... in laws haven't seen him in nearly a year due to covid... in a different part of the country so had a visit recently...

poor child was unwell, out of his comfort zone, and surrounded by people he hadn't seen other on video call.... he lashed out a few times over the 3 /4 days when we stopped him doing stupid things or being bold, when we were there... now the inlaws think he is spoiled and we always give him what he wants (we would have much less tantrums if we weren't saying no)...

I'm in the mind of not involving grandparents any further after that trip

Considering the problem was that they didn't have much contact for the last year, I would suggest that more visits would make more sense.

Pawwed Rig

My parents have both passed away but their help would have been greatly appreciated had they been around. My wife's parents live abroad so are never around.

I definitely felt their absence more acutely once I had babies. It makes things more difficult without support structures in place and the tens of thousand of euro a year that we had to pay on childcare hurt our quality of life somewhat and career prospects.

Lockdowns have been somewhat of a blessing in that regard actually.

It's different for everyone.

My mother minds my brothers kids at the drop of a hat, without being asked. Has seen mine about 10 times in 10 years. And that's us visiting the same county. My OHs parents live the other side of the world, and we live in a different county than my parents/family so the expectation is low anyway. We've never had anyone as a back up, would have been nice back then! But Four kids later, juggled the crap out of it and never had anyone to help has its advantages too.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117773716#Comment_117773716

it would seem the logical approach, but not after their reaction.... it's been a struggle enough the last year without adding judgemental inlaws to the mix...

Other family members were able to make visits, they just didn't, yet we've to bend over backwards to pacify their needs when we visit.. and get sarcy back handed comments on how our child interacts with them and behaves

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117702011#Comment_117702011

What did you expect?

You had a baby and you've already got the mil to visit and help with the housework? No wonder she isn't calling. She's done her bit, reared her family!

Maybe the grandparents just want the traditional grandparents role, nice to see, nice to hold, nice to return.

Perhaps hire a cleaner for the housework and invite the grandparent around for quality time with the baby, not just visit to do housework.

I think your expectation of the Mil helping is unrealistic.

Flinty997

Some people just aren't into kids. Even if they are grand kids or nieces or nephews.

I have one sibling who took zero interest in my kids. Kids hardly know them in return. One kid didn't even realize they were family for many years. The sibling can't understand why the kids now take no interest in them. Thinks it's my fault.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117774771#Comment_117774771

That is a fair point. I don't think I have ever gone anywhere and been asked to help with housework. It would be a bit odd if that did happen. I am happy to offer on the odd occasion if something needs doing and the parent is clearly busy but further than making some tea or heating up a babies bottle what else would you be asked to do?

Princess Calla

Yeah I've never done housework for anyone I visited. If the baby is bottle fed I'll feed the baby let the parents get a hot cup of tea/coffee into them.

Hell would also freeze over before I'd ask anyone to do chores for me, I'd be absolutely mortified.

MilkMusic

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117774771#Comment_117774771

We didn't ask for help with household chores. When she came she said she'd only stay as long as she was 'useful' with jobs that needed to be done. That's why she was tidying. I had just had a surgery (which I'd rather not get into) and I was on crutches.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117777935#Comment_117777935

You said earlier that she didn't offer now you say she did.

 My retired MIL has visited 5 times since the birth (baby is 5 months), staying an hour or two each time helping with housework, watching baby etc (each time at our request, never offering first and sometimes reluctantly). 

Maybe you just need to accept you're on your own here.

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117777935#Comment_117777935

But your original post said she never offers, you request she does the housework etc.

The fact you're on crutches isn't your mil's issue. She's in her 60s. She's done her own housework and childminding. If you need help at home perhaps hire someone. Let your mil enjoy her grandchild, not work during visits.

You come across as very entitled tbh.

witchgirl26

When I had our little boy, I was lucky in the my mam came over any time I asked just to help me out. Sometimes that was watching him for a small bit while I sorted out his clothes & other bits, sometimes it was making us some food while I looked after baby. That said, she was really conscious of not wanting to be seen to be "taking over". My OH's mother wasn't in great health at the time so did come to see us a little but wasn't able to "help out" to the same degree. I understood that though.

As for the doing housework - only had it happen once with proper housework (as opposed to getting cups of tea for people or something). My OH's brother lives up the road with his family. I'd be quite close to his wife & she knew I was struggling a little at the start. She popped down one of the days for a chat & when I needed to feed my son, she went into the kitchen for a little bit. When she came back, she'd cleaned the whole kitchen, put everything in the dishwasher & turned it on. I'd never expect that so it was a massive welcome surprise. Realistically though we hired a cleaner for 3 hours a week to do the big jobs (bathrooms etc).

Babysitting - we don't get much. My family all have their own kids of varying ages so not always easy for them to look after our little boy. Same with some my OH's family. The mothers do a bit if we ask but we don't like to take the p so don't do it too often. Biggest one we'd ever done was going away when our little boy was 8 weeks old for 2 nights. We left him with my mam & the level of planning involved was just on a epic scale. My sister even decamped over with her kids for the 2nd night to help out. Could not thank them enough.

lisasimpson

I wouldnt expect much from my parents or in laws to be fair. They worked hard and raised us so retirement is for themselves. My own mam is my dads full time carer anyways so shes tied up enough and needs any break she can get to look after herself

Ive seen people struggle when they 1st have kids thats find others take to it like a duck to water. But at the end of the day its your child and you have to work thing out that suit you and your partner. I love travel but that on the backburner for next 20 yrs. You need to be more realistic. Whatever help you get with 1, people are a lot slower to help/babysit when yhe 2nd child and subsequent arrive. Yes some people are extrememy lucky with the help they get with babies but in my circle thats an exception rather than the norm.

jos28

Just thought I'd give a bit of perspective from the other side as a first time grandparents (6 month old grandchild). We live nearby, have visits every 10 days or so and daily photos/updates. However, we have yet to mind or babysit despite countless offers and it hurts. I really feel I can't get to know my grandchild or bond properly until I get him to myself for a little while.

The parents are incredibly organised and competent so offers of food, housework, shopping in the early days were refused. They really are amazing parents. We've been financially supportive paying for some of the big items needed for a new baby. I occasionally send little surprises in the post so I'm trying to show that I'm here if needed. I've never babysat and all the 'action' seems to be on the other side of the family. There have been holidays, babysitting, day trips. I feel as if the child is one of them and not one of us. It might make me sound very needy but I suppose I'm a bit jealous. I'm not sitting around all day waiting for THE call, I'm still working and have plenty of friends and family in my life but I'd love to be more involved. Be interested in your opinions.

shesty

Jos28, I suspect my MIL feels likes this sometimes...

Now she has minded the kids (not so much in the last year or so obviously), but over the years she has offered to do random jobs , shopping and the rest.It's just I have it sorted.I make full use of online everything - shopping, sorting stuff out.I batch cook and use the freezer.My laundry was picked up and delivered back for the first couple of newborn weeks.We got a cleaner for 2 visits under our health insurance.

From my point of view, I am the child of 2 working parents who just sorted themselves out and I guess I just figure that's how life goes.On my side of the family, my parents help if I ask, but in general operate on the basis that they aren't going to run my life for me, that it's our kids, that they managed and so will we.My MIL's situation as a parent would have been significantly different to mine and her methods of child rearing quite different to my parents, so I suspect some of the difference lies there.

Out of interest are you the parent of the father or mother?

@jos28

@jos28

I think it really depends on the person. We’ve moved away from my in-laws. We were living in a neigbouring house and are now about half an hour away. Personally I wasn’t comfortable having family that close and if a baby came along I would have found that too stressful. My mother is law is a lovely woman who loves kids but I like my own space and I wouldn’t be able for her wanting to be around the baby all the time.

Someone else would absolutly adore the help and attention. I’m quite self sufficient and organised and I like my own space. So I’m much happier since we moved and if a baby comes along I feel it will be a more comfortable situation for me.

The thing to remember here is its different for everyone. They seem to be great parents and you see the child regularly thats brilliant. Some of my husbands family are abroad and they haven’t see those kids at all.

Think positive, enjoy your life, let go of the jealousy and keep a good relationship with the parents. That’s my advice.

jos28

The Father, Shesty. I suppose the family dynamics are somewhat different. I tended to give my adult children space with us socialising together whenever be we could. The other side seem to go everywhere together en masse which obviously now includes my grandchild. Different strokes I suppose but it does make us feel a bit left out. I certainly don't want to be tagging along, I'd just like the occasional babysitting session on our own

jos28

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118099536#Comment_118099536

Think positive, enjoy your life, let go of the jealousy and keep a good relationship with the parents. That’s my advice

Wise words, many thanks 😉

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118099584#Comment_118099584

I'm abit confused of your relationship, I think you are the father of the father...so paternal grandparents?

I know in my family with my brother everything went to the wife's family, children's godparents etc no one from our side was asked. If we were at an event and holding the child within a couple of minutes one of her family would be over and take them off you. It did upset my mam alot, the rest of us kinda said feck it.

Then with my sister's, they don't live local but my mam would visit and stay weeks at a time, she's very involved with them, but their dads families not so much.

I do think the bonds are stronger on the female side of the family. Certainly is in mine anyway.

My mam has a stupid annoying saying "your daughter is for life, your son is yours until he gets a wife" There is a certain element of truth in their too I suppose.

If the situation is really bothering you would you not have a quiet word with your child, they maybe oblivious to it, or oblivious to how it's impacting you. Letting it fester will just cause a bigger problem.

our child is an absolute duracell bunny.... even creche has asked how we keep up with them...

We don't live near any in laws, so any visits require us or them to do over night stays....

One side, the in laws and siblings all take turns and give us a break, let us go out etc...

The other side of in laws, sibling doesn't help and in laws are older....

when we go home, we tend to spend more time in the latter's house, as they can play with our child fine, but even then it turns into the child being bored and out of sorts in a new environment, and the in laws being tired....

yet, if we if elsewhere, it's seen as a dig...

I feel I'm in a no win situation.... even when they come over to ours, it's similar, and they even said last time they wouldn't look after the child as they're too much... which is fine, but then we get digs of saying "they feel in the way" when we continue life as normal and they come over for a holiday and don't help out...

never any problems with the other family, always something being done, even if they're not doing something with our child, dishes washed, some cleaning, gone to the shops.....

we try to be fair, but you can only be fair to a point where you end up stopping the people putting the most effort in from seeing our child, or helping

jos28

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118100103#Comment_118100103

Thanks for all the feed back folks, amazing how everyone's family differs especially once in laws get involved. Just to clarify, I am the paternal Grandmother. Like Pricess Calla says, the bonds are often stronger on the female side and that is the case with our grandchild. There are more of them and they do EVERYTHING together. Everyone of them plus partners all going on holidays together in gangs of 12 or more😜. I love my family but that would drive me insane. There are also little cousins which is obviously a huge attraction. I really don't want to make a big issue of it, my son has a stressful job and doesn't need his oul wan moaning that she doesn't get her fair share of the child. I'm just afraid that I won't develop a strong relationship with a child I don't have much involvement with. I've offered to change my work schedule so I can help out with child minding when maternity leave ends. I suppose I'll see how that goes. Thanks all for listening to my rants

shesty

To be honest Jos, I was going to say, she is on mat leave, and it's been summer time.This is the easy part.Once (if) she goes back to work, it will become more of a balancing act.Much more.

That being said, yes it might easier for her to just contact her own parents when she needs help.I also noticed, on my OH's side, MIL places this large importance on having a big huge relationship with each child, and (3 kids further on here) it was actually really unnecessary at that age.I think maybe grandparents forget that 6 months is really young and this isn't your child.The bond with grandparents forms differently.

I see in my own kids who are now 7,5 and 3 - they have cousins on my side, which they love and the family dynamic is very different, but on my husband's side, Nana and Grandad shower the attention on them as they are and will always be the only grandkids, and it is a different relationship, but still fine.They haven't been involved in our daily childcare arrangements (no grandparents have, unless there is an emergency), just visits every week or two, and it has developed just fine.

jos28

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118103645#Comment_118103645

Thanks a million Shesty, very reassuring. I'll learn to bide my time and spoil him rotten when the time comes 😊

@jos28

@jos28 It’s very kind of you to offer to help out with childcare.

I hope all goes well for you.

MilkMusic

So about 7 months has passed since I first posted this discussion.

A few people had commented that I sounded entitled and to 'let your mother in law enjoy her grandchild' (ie. no babysitting etc.)

I was thinking to myself after 'jesus maybe I'm a snowflake whiner I should stop complaining!' so I decided to do things differently as follows; we never asked for any kind of help in any form however small from my MIL again. We asked and visited her with our baby a few times and kept her up to date with photos etc to try to keep her in the loop. We asked her would she like to visit about 15 times over the 8 months since. Many excuses followed "oh going to a concert that night' 'going to visit sister in kerry' etc. She came twice in 8 months stayed for an hour each time. She lives 30 mins away and retired. She's now just the other day forgotten our 1 year old's birthday (while we self-isolate due to Covid).

Maybe I'm a snowflake but it just seems quite sad. I feel bad for my husband who is a great son and helps her regularly with all sorts of things. I see grandmothers calling into our neighbours all the time. Maybe I'm just an entitled snowflake who needs to suck it up and get over it.

Princess Calla

Leave her be. She's the one missing out.

If your husband is bothered let him make himself less available.

We could spend all day trying to figure out why she's like that but it won't alter the situation.

Focus on your own lil family ☺️

shesty

Nah, that's a bit much.

It is her decision.All you can do is try, but you can't make her.Focus on yourselves.

Taking the focus off her may result in her complaining she never sees you of course🙄 But what can you do.Keep the door open, but try not to worry too much over it.

airy fairy

You've done you're bit now. You've put it back on her, it hadn't been appreciated.

Up to her now, don't run after her any more. Let her invite you over. Let her be the initiator.

My mil couldn't be arsed with my kids. I got over it after counselling. Best piece of advice, don't let her take space up in your brain.

If she wants you, she knows where you are.