Please advise - Social Media situation

queen of cups

Hi , please ppl help before I go mad

so ... there is a girl in town who became single couples of months ... few weeks ago I find out that she was stalking my Instagram in many occasions but she never fallowed me . I was able to see she was checking my profile cause it showed on my Instagram stories . I told my boyfriend about it and laugh

after few days I realised that my boyfriend and her fallowing each other which was new ... I never said anything but checked Facebook to see if they are long friends but they were not at all

Few days ago she became his new Facebook friend so I asked him what’s the story and what’s going on ... he thinks that I am psycho and he isn’t doing anything wrong .

I txt the girl asking Wtf is she doing... she said she doesn’t know what I mean and then blocked me

is he making an idiot out of me or what do you think

Loveinapril

Did your boyfriend say why they have suddenly become friends on Facebook? Especially after you mentioning her looking at your Instagram randomly, it is odd that they are only now connecting. Or do you think she might have been looking at your page to get to him? Why did you write to her, given she is single?

queen of cups

They became friend on Instagram and few days after on Facebook.

he said she send him friend request and fallowed him do he fallow back

I said to her straight why was she checking my profile couple of times and now she is friends with my boyfriend .

we are all over 35 years old so it’s not teenage thing I think she was checking mine to get to his or .....

after he heard me saying that she was checking my profile he started first with her but I have no proof

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like you think he's cheating on you with her, and she's checking your profile keeping an eye on the competition.

Regardless of what's going on, you now don't believe your bf and your messaging random women.

Time to sit down and chat with him. And see if you believe what he tells you.

Dtp1979

I’m amazed you’re all over 35. Reading the thread up to the point you said your age, I was assuming 18/19 was the age bracket. I’ll have to re read now

Buddy Bubs

I thought teenage drama too....ask him if he's cheating on you...decide if you believe him or not....social media following will tell nothing.

Serious drama going on here

YellowLead

I don’t really use Facebook and I’m not on Instagram. Is it normal for strangers to become friends or follow each other randomly? I wouldn’t think so, so I’d be suspicious. Unless there was a reason for it - work together or are friends in some other way, or one posts stuff of interest to the general public.

queen of cups

i asked him straight out he said nothing going on although he lied to me previously in similar things. We are together 4 years.... I am really afraid that he is playing me and looking for attention from different women

we are leaving together and not talking at the moment as he says that I am psycho and I should trust him etc

queen of cups

because I mentioned to him that she was checking my profiles randomly I would expect him to tell me then If she suddenly started fallowing him ....? Or what you think

redlad12

Very few people use fb anymore and there is very few friend requests , so it's a bit odd. You should have a chat with your BF about it. I wouldnt bother messaging the random girl.

SunnySundays

You are over 35 and texting a random person on social media because she added your boyfriend as a friend.

You have bigger issues than any suspicions you might have. That is just Batshit crazy.

If you can't find a better way in your 30s to handle things, you need to start all over again or shouldn't be in relationships.

SunnySundays

queen of cups

Thanks sunnysundays you must be an expert 🤞

Hannibal_Smith

He lied to you previously along similar lines - do you mean he has cheated on you before? If so then its understandable you're on edge a bit, but the extent of the paranoia is not good for you.

If it's someone in the town you both know, you could be reading too much into it. You've asked both of them and they've denied doing anything. You still don't believe him or her. You can't spend your time worried that something else is going to happen. If you can't move on from whatever happened before and you can't trust him, there's little foundation there to be building anything on.

Rubberchikken

Your all over 35. While I realize you're worried I seriously think this kind of behaviour is best left to teens.

If you can't trust him, is he worth sticking with?

If he dismisses you're concern as 'psycho', then maybe you and he need to talk like adults and see where this relationship is going.

Good luck

Big Bag of Chips

A man calling a woman a psycho is typically deflective behaviour. Unless of course you generally go a bit nuts at him about stuff. And if you do, then maybe this isn't the relationship for you in more ways the one.

He hasn't really explained how or why he has, suddenly became online friends/followers with her. And he is deflecting back to you being unreasonable. I think this is a case where you are just going to have to be definite about what you want for yourself. Something about this situation is telling you something is going on. Do you trust your gut? Or do you let him shout you down to keep you off his back?

Would you finish the relationship if you thought he was cheating on you?

queen of cups

Strumms

Its not unusual to follow or be followed on Instagram by people whom you don’t know...

This happening facebook it’s very shady. I wouldn’t think twice about rejecting a randomer who sent me a fb request, I have done.

Big Bag of Chips

I suppose what I'm asking is, are you going to trust him and let it go? Or are you going to torment yourself trying to catch him out?

I know what you mean about not wanting to be made a fool of. And weighing that up with not wanting to end a relationship IF there's nothing going on.

He should be able to answer your questions though without resorting to calling you a psycho. If his way of explaining an unusual situation is to attack you for questioning it, you need to think about longterm with him and how he handles disagreements with you.

Jequ0n

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117650462#Comment_117650462

You thought she was looking at you in a strange way and then went to check your own and your boyfriend's social media accounts?

Sorry, it doesn't surprise me that he is evasive. Based on your few posts on this matter I'd be questioning your line of thought too.

queen of cups

Are u for real ? Please do not comment if you don’t understand the post . Stop judging and maybe think a little before you comment other ppl post....

OP you should trust your gut on these things. It's a textbook case. You realise something's off, you get told you're being crazy. This leaves you in a position where without evidence, the feelings you're having won't be discussed and are completely dismissed as hysteria. So then your brain starts working to find evidence, and you end up driving yourself into obsession. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Either you're right, and your boyfriend's up to no good and making you feel crazy; or, you're wrong, and your boyfriend is needlessly making you feel crazy. I'd trust your gut and walk because either way he doesn't seem to care about the effect this is having on you.

Talk to your boyfriend and then delete the social media accounts. It's not helping you.

Jequ0n

Sorry if you didn’t like my response but I stand by it. I can’t see what good your online “investigations” are doing instead or fuelling your paranoia. Talk to your partner and stop focusing on other people

You asked what people think so here is what I think.

Somewhere along the line, this girl has met your boyfriend and decided she likes him.

Sounds like you're all from the same place so she knew you were his girlfriend, and she started sussing you out.

You tell him, and you laugh about it, but behind your back before you know it, they start following each other, then become facebook friends. THIS is what would bother me. And then your boyfriend calling you psycho. Big red flag.

Nothing may have happened between them yet, but I think it could. I think she is making a play for him.

And I don't think you're psycho. Something is off here. Go with your gut.

Redjacketboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117648222#Comment_117648222

There's a whole lot of trust issues going on here. It seems he cheated on you previously and you haven't properly forgiven him and are looking for reasons to not trust him.

I was in a relationship before and straight did not trust my partner. It was a nightmare and it turned me very irrational. I finally ended the relationship and I was at peace. I would never enter a relationship again if I couldn't trust them. It made me mental and to be honest not a nice person to be with.

I trust my new partner 100% and I wouldn't dream of even looking at social media usage or check his mobile phone or worry about what he's up to when I'm not around.

That lack of trust can drive you mad.

Neyite

In a solid relationship, where you trust your partner, you'd be confident that if a person shows interest in them, they rebuff that because they are in a relationship. That if you have concerns about someone sniffing around your partner, they would listen to what you say, and either take on board what you point out, or make sure that you know why it's above board and nothing for you to be worried about. In a solid relationship you are valued, respected and not called names for communicating what you feel is off in your relationship.

What outcome do you want from this Queen? I guess you want her to drop her interest in your boyfriend, and vice versa? If he's going to flirt or cheat, he will. If she wants to make a move on your partner, she will. You can't stop their behaviour I'm afraid.

But you can change how you react to it. You've said he's had form for doing this, so guessing he's at least flirted/chased other women but well, there's no consequence for him is there? You tolerated it before, you believed him before, you forgave him before, so from his point of view, you'll probably do that again if he spins you enough of a story.

You will not be able to change him into a man who only has eyes for you. So with that knowledge, and knowing this is who he is, that this is what your relationship will always be like, is the relationship with him giving you what you need to be happy?

queen of cups

Loueze this is exactly what I think happened. Thank you for commenting and understanding my post so well.

we had a big calm chat about it I explained what I think and why I am questioning him . He said he didn’t think anything about her and he never thought she was trying to hook him out ....... but after me saying it he agree that I was right to get angry.....

I don’t know if he is telling the truth so I can believe and let this situation go or break up without any evidence.

For people who thinks that their relationship is so trusty or that its not normal to have trust issues in a relationship please don’t be silly

I been in relationship for 15 years previously I would give my life that he wasn’t lying to me ... trusted him unconditionally and guess what .... after breaking up I found out that he was lying to me about anything and everything. Never again I will trust ppl unconditionally

Actions now will speak louder than words.

If he now knows how why you got upset and how uncomfortable her following him on social media (and him following her back) made you feel, and there is nothing untoward going on, then he should block / unfollow her as a gesture towards you. He shouldn't need to be prompted to do this either.

Its not as if she is a close friend of his anyway.

Redjacketboy

Loueze. I'm so sorry you had a boyfriend of 15 years cheat on you, I can see how you have trust issues.

I still think you need to find some level of trust in a relationship. You'll never be truly happy unless you can trust someone. I don't mean be a wallflower if it obvious something is going on.

I hope this resolves for you successfully, but please try work on the trust, believe me it's ruined a lot of relationships lack of trust.

@Redjacketboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666234#Comment_117666234

Hi @Redjacketboy

I think you meant to direct this to the Op, not me!