Fathers - Did you lose who you were?

LegacyUser

I'm a father to two young girls, both only babies. 18 months apart.

I'm working from home, which has given me a lot of time i wouldn't have had with my children, which is great in that I see them when i'm making a cup of tea or having lunch, and bad from the point of view that I can't escape the noise and circus that surrounds them when I'm trying to focus on my job.

I'm up from 5am each morning with them, sorting their breakfast and sterilising bottles, putting on or hanging out washes of clothes, small jobs as quietly as I can while my wife gets a few hours sleep (she takes most of the night mid week, I do the nights at weekends).

I've a busy job. I work from 830-6pm. I do a college course by night, it's almost finished (September, 2 yrs MSc online), and it's hanging over me like a dark cloud. I've limped through it for the last 21 months and I've passed all so far and I've a thesis to write now, which is proving immensely difficult as I simply cannot get a 'block' of time to do anything. I am squeezing in an hour or two here and there, which won't cut the mustard on this thing. It's a constant back of my mind stress hanging over me.

My wife and I aren't really getting on great, I don't think there are any real issues apart from tiredness and the go go go of raising two infants. Sex life has paused a while, we're not sharing a bed while we rotate baby duties. This is something that's keeping us alive during the day as we're both getting some sleep, but I'm worried it's causing other issues between us. Having said that, we tried a similar approach after baby 1 and things got back to normal intimacy (back int he same bed, sex life resumed somewhat) once the baby grew a little and settled so I'm optimistic for the same again, just a tough few months.

I feel so tired and worn out that I've let myself go. I think 'let myself' is even harsh on myself, I can't help it at the moment. Okay, maybe that's excuses as well. I'm overeating 'bad' food, it's a coping mechanism for tiredness and stress. A comfort eat.

I used to keep myself somewhat in shape. I'd cycle or jog now and then, watch my food, swim, go to a gym. Nothing over the top but always active in the evenings or weekends doing something. Now it feels like I've zero time for me. Ever. As ridiculous as it sounds, I don't have an hour a day to go for a run.

I'm worried I'm totally losing who I am and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not me. I'm 'dad', I don't feel like a husband much either, just the other parent in the house trying to raise the children. I feel lost.

I would love to hear from other fathers who struggled a bit with this and are maybe a few years further down the line than I am. How did it play out for you? Was the 'damage' permanent, or did you 'recover' from it, get back on track with your life etc.

Pawwed Rig

You don't say if you're wife is working or not? Any advice I would give you would be dependant on your joint time. When I had my first I was doing professional exams but was in a break from work for a few months so was easy to manage. I cannot imagine if I still had to do them after my second

fits

It sounds to me a bit like you want to do all the things you did before - and raise two babies. It’s just not possible. There are only so many hours in a day.

I think once you are finished your thesis you will feel better. Time will free up again when the children are 3.5-4. You just need to hang in there for now.

Tails142

You've just described my life too, there's always divorce to look forward to?

The Royal Scam

I have 3 and the youngest is 11. There is no way to sugar coat this, it is a busy few years full of sacrifices. The early years can be tough in terms of the misaligned sleep patterns but after night feeds and the babies sleep time improves you will really notice the difference.
As the other poster said, I think the thesis is probably causing a lot of stress for you so you will feel better after that is done.
You do get your identity back but you also get new friends. I spend yesterday walking up the hills with my 2 youngest lads and played tennis with them aswell.
Work hard on your marriage but I think you already answered that and it's the sleep deprivation that is upsetting that no doubt.

markpb

I’d echo what the others have said. Babies are hard work and two at the same time is multiples of that. Doing a course at the same time most be incredibly hard! Could you defer it for a year or two? It might give you some peace so you can concentrate on it more fully?

Things will get easier. The babies will get noisier and more mobile but at least you won’t have to stop them trying to kill themselves all the time and they’ll start to do things for themselves. Slowly but surely, you’ll get your time back. When that happens, make sure you make the most of it or it will slip away. Start with your wife, then get out for some exercise. Those two things will make everything seem a lot easier.

Watch out for that free time though, you might end up with an urge to make more babies

The Mighty Quinn

I've 2 babies with a 15 month gap. You could be me with what you've written above. I'm trying to enjoy what I can of it, don't want to wish my life away, they're only this small for a blink of an eye.

JPup

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

I've 2 babies with a 15 month gap. You could be me with what you've written above. I'm trying to enjoy what I can of it, don't want to wish my life away, they're only this small for a blink of an eye.

This is a great sentiment. The baby years are really tough but they are filled with so many wonderful moments that you will look back on with nostalgia in years to come.

From a practical point of view, is there any outside help you could get from family or childcare?

JustAThought

The MSc is a big burn & things will get better when that is off your plate. I did postgrad via day release and nights/weekends a few years back & it was a long hard headwreck slog with the goal of better lifelong prospects and increased salary/seniority - it was relentless and demanding & really hard. Several of the other guys had small babies at the time and were ALL in deep trouble with their OH’s for not being as available or for not pulling their weight in the (babyminding part) of the relationship. After the slog finished & careers were increased & promotions gained and we had all graduated & were back in the fold again this seemed mostly resolved for everyone - sacrifices are made, its not ideal but there is a ling term investment and payoff that both benefit from - and the family too.

There are a few surprising ‘pop up’ office and HOTDESK hire places opening - it was a bit of a thing before the lockdown but I see more and more of them about now - often in previous restaurant premises! I agree its impossible to get anything of quality done with babies & toddlers & interruptions & ‘just asking if you’d like a cup of tea’ going on. Can you negotiate with your wife for some agreed days where you can be absent for time for focus on this ling term investment (degree) & organise a short time hotdesk. Ordinarily I’d say library but afaik the study areas are still closed - might be worth checking the arrangements in your uni. library thou?

A neighbour with 4 kids is in a similar position - I offered them a room to use PM in my house to ‘have’ and study in - their kids arn’t allowed in, they just walk down the road & have as much uninterrupted time as they need. Not perfect but a fairly good plan B.

While you’re studying for the next few months is there any way the family (wife & kids) can be helped by either another family member or get a babysitter in so your wife can literally leave and have some quality time for herself - not as a mother or housekeeper - gym, walk, meal out out with her friends etc : a niece or someones aupair wanting a few extra hours and twenty quid for 3 hours babysitting - not a tenner an hour but a set tax free amount for a set few hours each week. Could be the difference between a happy wife and a happy life and no one party left feeling like the drudge or thenone doing all the work. If this coincided with your hotdesk/away study nights then the kids, yerself and your OH ALL have a ‘away’ night on the same day it might tally better. It’ll only be for a few months and you can then build in a date night for yourself to have adult time or a child free evening once a week or fortnight to stop you being ‘just’ parents or baby machine fodder.

It will get better. Stick to the MSc and once you beat that thesis it’ll be much easier.

Jeez, working FT & studying by night is ' plate full' kinda material...... we had 4 all under the age of 5 back in mid 90's, Mrs Mc Carthy & myself working FT & I was doing a degree by night/ weekends....... not easy...... the years from 95-2005 are a bit of a blur but I wouldn't change a thing. I realise I was blessed with Mrs Mc carthy.... when I faltered / stumbled she always focused & good with a pep talk. I found once kids got past the creche / infant stage the pressure valve got released..... these are a tough couple years but, I know this could sound patronising ( apoligies) but you gotta look after yourself....take time out, delay/ postpone degree if needs be AND be sure to look out for OH..... it's way to comfortable to slip into the " oh we're x's parents" mindset........ before that you're a COUPLE & OH will be there taking the helm when the smallies have flown the coup. As another poster suggessted......look for AND TAKE any family help you can get...... try any opportunity to 'step back' & recharge

Laszlo Cravensworth

I hear you OP.

We have twin boys 18 months old and a 3 year old daughter who is a nightmare right now. She was a great sleeper but over the last 3 weeks has been waking up to 5 times a night. Twins constantly wake each other too so we haven't had a good night sleep in literally years . Lack of proper sleep is torture Wife and I both work full time. I collect and drop the kids to the childminder every day at a cost of €650 per week, which is depressing. It is truly relentless and there are many many days where I honestly hate my life. I feel myself wishing these years to pass so we can get back to having some semblance of a life. Weekends are the worst, I look forward to Monday morning work for a break. Some people might enjoy the baby/toddler phase but I am just not one of them.

My wife is finding it equally tough and probably holds it together better than me, at least outwardly. We have no family support whatsoever. It is like a pressure cooker with constant bickering between us and I worry that the children workload is damaging our relationship.

It's not all bad, we have some good days, but they are too rare.

So to summarize,

I feel your pain.

Widdensushi

My 11 year old got interested in golf lately, I only ever used to hack around the odd time but bringing him golfing made me me realise I haven't done that since my 12 year old was born, it's a big commitment, worth it though.

fits

Laszlo Cravensworth wrote: »

I hear you OP.

We have twin boys 18 months old and a 3 year old daughter who is a nightmare right now. She was a great sleeper but over the last 3 weeks has been waking up to 5 times a night. Twins constantly wake each other too so we haven't had a good night sleep in literally years . Lack of proper sleep is torture Wife and I both work full time. I collect and drop the kids to the childminder every day at a cost of €650 per week, which is depressing. It is truly relentless and there are many many days where I honestly hate my life. I feel myself wishing these years to pass so we can get back to having some semblance of a life. Weekends are the worst, I look forward to Monday morning work for a break. Some people might enjoy the baby/toddler phase but I am just not one of them.


It's not all bad, we have some good days, but they are too rare.

So to summarize,

I feel your pain.

Is there any way to ease that pressure? We had twins as well. No third child but we have special needs and a resultant very unsettled baby in the mix. I worked part time until this year. Scheduled appointments etc for my days off. It just made things a bit easier.

Laszlo Cravensworth

fits wrote: »

Is there any way to ease that pressure? We had twins as well. No third child but we have special needs and a resultant very unsettled baby in the mix. I worked part time until this year. Scheduled appointments etc for my days off. It just made things a bit easier.

My wife has arranged parental leave with work which gives her every second Friday off, but it's really not enough.

We have resigned ourselves to just riding out the next couple of years and hope it gets easier.

It actually helps to say it out loud(if that makes any sense). It's also comforting to know others are I the same boat. Misery loves company!!

JPup

Laszlo Cravensworth wrote: »

My wife has arranged parental leave with work which gives her every second Friday off, but it's really not enough.

We have resigned ourselves to just riding out the next couple of years and hope it gets easier.

It actually helps to say it out loud(if that makes any sense). It's also comforting to know others are I the same boat. Misery loves company!!

Once they’re in school you won’t know yourself. Sleeping through the night and then classes and activities through the day. I wonder is there any way you could ease the pressure on yourselves at the moment. Any granny you could parachute in for a while?

Laszlo Cravensworth

JPup wrote: »

Once they’re in school you won’t know yourself. Sleeping through the night and then classes and activities through the day. I wonder is there any way you could ease the pressure on yourselves at the moment. Any granny you could parachute in for a while?

My wife's mother comes to visit us on occasion, but she lives on the other side of the country. Also, her visits tend to be more work for us in that she needs to be entertained. She also doesn't drive so that presents its own difficulties. Lovely lovely person, but not really what we need when were in the sh1t(literally)

Also apologies to the OP, I do not want to hijack your thread!

CelticRambler

After our first was born, MrsCR & I very quickly came to an arrangement that worked until it was no longer needed. We split "night duty" more or less equally - she did the early part of the night, because if she had to get up at (say) 4am, she couldn't get back to sleep afterwards, whereas I had no problem in that respect. And, as mentioned by JustAThought, we had a fixed arrangement whereby MrsCR (stay-at-home mother) would literally drop everything and leave the house on a Wednesday and a Saturday afternoon, leaving me to pick up all the childcare (as well as being on-call for work).

As far as my work was concerned, I made sure I was seconded by someone I could trust, and (advantage of running one's own business) had a room set aside for the children if I had to take them in to work at short notice. Now MrsCR did tell me that we had another advantage compared to her baby-group friends: I actually knew how to look after the children! Apparently all the other mothers had pathetically useless husbands who had to be given instructions, have meals left ready to microwave, etc.

The other thing that set us, as a parenting couple, apart from our peers - and something that we didn't even think was strange at the time - was a fierce determination to have the children fit into our lives, rather than reorganise ourselves around some fanciful notion of how modern children should be raised. So if we wanted to go hiking, the children came too. If we wanted to go abroad, the children came too. If we wanted to go to a restaurant, the children came too and sat at the table and ate with us. Even in their first years, that made it very easy to have time in the day to do our own things, as each child seemed to learn very quickly that there were certain hours in the day when Mammy/Daddy was just not going to react - so they actually got to spend more time with us by being quiet.

paw patrol

OP - I've 3 boys 19,10,7
when the first fella was born I was in my main job and a weekend job in a niteclub (we had just bought house) and on top a final year in college at night.
Honestly I don't remember much of that time, was always on the go.

And I been through similar and it's a fcuk ton to take on at one time.
For your own sanity would it be worthwhile postponing the thesis?

If you stick with it you can come through this and in a few years (sooner than you think) , the kids can be fairly independent and less demanding of your time. When they go to playschool or school - the routine will cause them to sleep better so not long now.

I found myself having a routine or schedule helps and on that schedule allow both you and your wife time off - be that one afternoon or evening a week where you meet up with the lads or whatever you want to do and her likewise. It's important to get a break from being dad (and mam) . In fact I think it's criminally underrated.
Also if you cant do an hour for a run you can do 30min (or 5k) you defo can make that time esp if you have a plan and routine.

But the advantage is you have them together - they will grow up together and in a few years you'll start getting more freedom quite suddenly.
unlike me who staggered my kids like the dope I am...and was dealing with nappies and teenage angst at same time ...:pac:

Finally I think sleeping separately is not a good move - probably with the best of intentions but it separates you as a couple. I'd consider that tbh.


best of luck

SnuggyBear

I've never wanted kids but recently my sister had a boy and they seem so happy, if tired. I was watching her and her husband with the kid, helping each other with little things and it made me feel like I was missing out.

I read this post then and I feel I would I feel the same as you. My father was always pissed off when I was growing up and I couldn't understand why. As I got older I realised why a load of kids did his head in. There is no break from it. I think some men are better built for it than others.

...Ghost...

It's a bit hard to give any advice without knowing what the Wife is up to, but i'll assume she works full time. If she doesn't then she needs take on more of the child rearing until you get that thesis out of the way.

OP, working full time, doing a masters (or any third level course) and raising kids...especially babies is a big ask. Both myself an my OH have been in that situation, first when she was doing her Masters and second when I was doing my degree. It's brutal and we have more than 2 kids. My second to last born arrived just as I finished a 1 year course and my last born arrived 3 years later just as I finished my degree.

It was tough going and it feels like you have no time for anything, but a lot of time is wasted throughout the day if you take notice of it. Youtube videos here....news articles while sitting on the loo and procrastinating in front of the thesis. The time adds up. Redirect it and make time for yourself and the missus. Get a babysitter, or go on a drive with the kids to get them asleep and yourselves talking.

Stay positive and remember to have gratitude for what you have in life, even if sometimes it feels like you want something different.

BrianD3

If you have space get yourself a home gym - cage, bench and free weights. Try to do "some" lifting every day even if only 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there. Should result in mental and physical benefits including more energy and clearer thinking.

Borzoi

Fat Dad wrote: »

I would love to hear from other fathers who struggled a bit with this and are maybe a few years further down the line than I am. How did it play out for you? Was the 'damage' permanent, or did you 'recover' from it, get back on track with your life etc.

I'm 3 years ahead of you. But can still remember the early days. They suck! Without a doubt. Small kids are time sinks that over shadow everything else in life. But it's a phase and it passes. (And the good more than makes up for the bad) You a step ahead of many in that you're aware of the issues.

Your normal life is on hold until you get through this, then you rebuild, but differently as priorities differ. You'll be fine, you all will

RedXIV

It's a tough one OP, I had two in quick succession and that alone was a year of blur and the last one was 6weeks old when I started my Masters. It's definitely tough at the age your kids are now. But it does get better. This is probably the worst part in terms of stress.

I definitely found that I don't have the time for the things I want to do, even now, with the youngest at 3 and a half. I probably need another year before I get a bit more time. I used to be a member of a local gym but because of the difficulty in getting time to go, I ended up cancelling and joining a 24 hour gym, so I can go at midnight if I need to. I used to play a lot of video games and go drinking with friends, and they both drastically dropped. I know have to schedule a night with my friends weeks/months in advance and similarly, my gaming changed up to more mobile stuff.

But I've been at the point twice where the freedom is there, my eldest was 7 when we had the first of the two in quick succession. And the third was 6 when the youngest arrived. The year before in both cases, you definitely feel like you can do more. Babysitting is easier, relatives will take them much easier, school and activities take up a huge amount of time.

I'd echo what others have said in terms of hanging in there. Personally I considered deferring the masters but I honestly just wanted it off my plate forever so I stuck with it for the last few months to get it done and get freedom, but I've got to acknowledge my wife helped a lot there with the time to study.

Do try and make time for yourself and herself too. Bumps in the road happen and it's the worst possible time for the relationship because any free time is generally wanted for sleep or self care but a night where a babysitter takes the kids for a few hours (or the night if you can swing it) once a month will do absolute wonders.

Best of luck OP, it will get easier!

Even as a three parent family rather than the usual two - we found the Baby Stage to be hell. So you're not alone or unique. Many of us go through it. The only real thing to say is: "This too shall pass". But yes I did find that the first year of each baby's life was just a "write off" for us as parents. A lot of us just endure it rather than really enjoy it. But everything got back on track in the end. Especially when the kids reach an age they get interested in spending time with each other. That takes a serious load off too.

Hard to give any advice that has not been given already but I would throw out a few small things from my own experiences:

1) Working form home noise - do not underestimate the power of good noise cancelling headphones. Whether you play music or dolphin noises or some radio or podcast - it can block out the background noise of the house around you. So too can a well placed fan or A/C unit designed to keep your office room at a nice temperature. The low hum/grind of those things is a white noise that can block out most of what is outside your home office.

2) Consider deferring your night course. Many courses allow this. Many courses do not tell you they allow it unless you explicitly ask. Pushing it out a year might just help a lot if you can restart it somewhere near the end of the Nappy Phase.

3) Focus on the things you can control and endure the things you can not. Eating healthy is one example. You can control that right now - and it will give you better energy levels and well being in the long run over the "comfort food". But in general during times of great stress and multiple responsibilities - its a good mental health strategy to identify the things you have actual control over - and the things you must simply endure and get on with - and then use your control over the things you can control.

4) Best thing I ever bought during the Baby Phase was a buggy designed specifically for running rather than walking. You too say you are missing your healthy runs. Look out for one of those running buggies and stick the babies in it and just go running. Time it right and the babies will either be mesmerised by the motion and be quiet, and then fall asleep at home or - if you'd prefer - time it when they tend to sleep anyway and they might just get used to passing out at run time. Taking babies swimming is also a thing I am glad I did from a very early age with them. Especially if you find a parents group all taking babies at the same time. You can find a lot of mutual support there like keeping an eye on each others babies while you get your lengths in. And Vice Versa. But keeping active is not something you have to forfeit because of baby time. You can mix it _with_ baby time.

5) As for working from home - consider if you have another option there. If it is just not working for you then there might be another way to work some or all of the day in work. Or in a McDonalds or cafe with internet access. Or Public Library. Or one of those "hotdesk" shared office space environments you can rent. Or converted garage. Or even ask a friend or a family member if they have a room and a desk you can use. It does not have to be the whole day - but it can be. But maybe even 3/4 hours at a different desk will benefit you.

lawrencesummers

Pre covid I would insist that my partner take a weekend off every few months and head away with her friends, Ryanair flight, or a spa hotel down the Country. The maternal reluctance is hard to get over but it’s worth it.

It balanced the books for when I went away for a match or stag.

You need your own individual time and the importance of that can’t be underestimated.

Then you try and get someone to mind the kids so the two of you get away for a night, dinner and a few drinks and a uninterrupted night.

Kids is a big change and a huge strain on a relationship. It’s understandable that many relationships don’t survive it, tiredness, no break and stress takes it’s toll.

What I would say is that you try now to find something to look forward to as a couple and as individuals. Book a hotel, get a family member to commit to taking the kids for at least a night.

shesty

Mine are 7,5, and 3.

It gets easier. I promise. The first year or so of the first two was really, really tough (I'm the mum). Let myself go on every front, as did himself. I realise now that I hadn't the headspace, emotionally or physically, to be sticking to diets, or taking on big exercise regimes or anything. Now though - now I do. Hang in there, stay in the same bed and it will come round, have faith. One day you will be walking down the street with them, or watching them play out back and realise hang on, we couldn't have done this 12 months ago. Keep talking to your other half, because that is important. And cut yourself a break - don't criticise yourself mentally, but try to accept this is just a phase in life where maybe you are changing and you mightn't have the life you had before, but there will be a different one on the other side of it. And it won't be all bad
Also a Masters is HARD work. I was doing one when number 1 came, and I nearly threw the towel in on it several times. Defer it if you have to and it becomes too much. And we have just had 15 months of uninterrupted time with our immediate family - it has been really, really tough so you certainly aren't the only one feeling that.

Hockney

Hi OP,

In a similar boat, maybe a bit further along, three kids 4, 2, nearly 1.
Have also done my fair share of evening and weekend study while the first and second were very small.

I get completely where you're at.

TBH with the hours you're working, thesis to be done, age the kids are at, relationship with OH to maintain, you're really going to struggle to do everything, so somethings got to give.

With kids that small absolutely everyone's relationship with the OH suffers. With such a lack of sleep you may have a blazing row over the most mundane of things. Definitely the right call sleeping in seperate rooms, sex life will come back in time, but sleep is absolutely paramount for the moment for both of you. If you get even a 4 hour solid block of sleep at night you can put up with whatever the day throws at you, but without it the simplest of things will be a struggle.

Practical advice Id give you to help right now:

Postpone the thesis unless you absolutely can't.
It may sound like the last thing you want to do while knowledge is fresh in your head but this is just a crazy time to be lumping that on top. Once the youngest is walking without falling and hurting themselves 1000 times a day things will calm down, and that will coincide with sleep being much better also. That's when I'd think about tackling a thesis.

Shorter working day?
Your job is longer than standard hours (08:30 - 18:00), I assume that's for a 1 hour lunch break. I was in a similar boat with mine, I managed to quit a half our earlier by taking a half hour lunch break, I found I was never taking the full hour anyway. If you're not getting paid for those extra hours you're not obliged to work them. If you're getting paid for them, can you take a pay cut? Talk to your employer, be firm and explain your situation.

Give each other breaks. It sounds like you've no family around to help. If you do, as already said, ask for that help and take it. I've no family local either so we're doing everything. The biggest thing you and the OH need to do for each other is give each other breaks to sleep (sounds like you're splitting this quite well) and breaks from the madhouse to clear your head. Even if you feel shattered yourself, actively encourage her to get out for a walk, meet friends for coffee, whatever. As another poster said it "balances the books" when you need the same in return.

Divide and conquer. At the weekend, each of you take one kid and do something enjoyable with them. Everyone (esp kids themselves) want to be able to get out of the house. The older kid is probably still put out about the baby's arrival, this was a big problem in our house. One of you bring the older one to the playground while the other goes for a walk/coffee with the buggy. When everyone gets home they're in a better mood. Small changes like this should make your weekends more enjoyable.

Get your exercise. You can find 30mins twice a week to get out for an intense run/work out. Over the last 2 years I'd have absolutely lost the plot without that. Work yourself hard enough in that amount of time to clear your head and have it swimming in endorphins by the time you get back into the house. You mightn't even get time to shower til they're all down. Massive added bonus of having considerably more energy when you're physically fit, that might be a while off for you but in the meantime enjoy the head clearing.

I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel and I'm not much further down the road than you. I got out for a cycle just myself and the 4 year old at the weekend which was really enjoyable. Was genuinely worried about relationship with the OH a few times, this is much better now, it's mad how quickly it can bounce back.

Try not to sweat the big stuff for now, reality is you're probably not gonna be heading away with the lads on a 5 day hiking trip with kids that young. Try to make small changes in the day to day and your head will clear a bit and you'll feel less overwhelmed and like you're losing yourself.

Above all, I think you should postpone the thesis. If you can't do that, if you do nothing else, then get those two 30 minute runs a week in.

listermint

Small small simple changes like for example getting the kids into a buggy and going for a walk. These will tire them out and give you some outside head time and exercise.

If the wife is home then go walk yourself. Put on a podcast and get solo non work non house non thesis time. The brain needs an escape and the air in the lungs is good.

If your doing those long hours too you have to get away from the desk every hour or two for ten mins. As said above maybe a little weight routine or even sit out in the garden for a tea.


Little small changes can really make a huge impact they don't have to be as dramatic as putting thesis on hold. But that can always be an option.

jester77

You learn to adapt. Some things take a hit, which is good and bad. I would have went to lots of concerts/gigs, weekends away, holidays on the other side of the world, played video games into the small hours, etc before the kids arrived.

Don't try to keep your previous lifestyle, it will not happen. Got to make adjustments around how life is now and will be for many years to come. I now just go to the must see gigs, weekends away don't really happen, holidays are no further than a 90 minute flight and I haven't played much video games until recently. Now my son is old enough to play games and it's fun, not the style games I would have previously played, but in a few years I will be back to playing these type of games with him.

Some things I didn't change, I still hit the gym, but my times had to adapt. So instead of going after work, I now go between 11 and midnight. It is the one time I can guarantee no interruptions from the children.

jon1981

Anyone here thinking why they didn't have kids in their mid to late 20s instead of waiting to mid to late 30s?

listermint

jon1981 wrote: »

Anyone here thinking why they didn't have kids in their mid to late 20s instead of waiting to mid to late 30s?

No not really. I think i probably wouldn't have handled fatherhood as well back then. Alot more relaxed now and more rational I would say.

ted1

Laszlo Cravensworth wrote: »

I collect and drop the kids to the childminder every day at a cost of €650 per week, which is depressing. .

Could you or your wife stop working , pass your tax credits over to the working spouse ?

Our oldest is 11, so wife was pregnant in 2008 and had a high end boutique. With the recession kicking in , we decided to close the shop and she’d look after the kid now 3 kids.

Best decision we ever made. Took a while to adjust to 1 income but we adopted fast. It’s amazing how much your lifestyle adjusts your budget

The kids are a it older now with the youngest starting Prinary school last September, so the wife picked up some part time work. To keep herself busy.

Pawwed Rig

A running buggy helped me no end when they were very young. Strap them both in and go out for 30 mins or so around local park.
As they started talking it go a bit demoralising when they would repeatedly ask me why I was running so slowly :pac:

helimachoptor

Have been in a similar situation, doing an Msc, wife on mat leave and then back to work, ships passing in the night and all of that.

Our personal interests took a back seat, gym stopped, the only thing really for me i kept going was my weekly football, now the kids are a bit older (youngest in 2.5) we're getting some normality back in terms of being able to do stuff, but with older kids comes the need from them todo different sports and activities on weekends and evenings.

We just made sure we made the most of the time we had together, even with nappy changes, naps etc, but it does get better

Laszlo Cravensworth

ted1 wrote: »

Could you or your wife stop working , pass your tax credits over to the working spouse ?

Our oldest is 11, so wife was pregnant in 2008 and had a high end boutique. With the recession kicking in , we decided to close the shop and she’d look after the kid now 3 kids.

Best decision we ever made. Took a while to adjust to 1 income but we adopted fast. It’s amazing how much your lifestyle adjusts your budget

The kids are a it older now with the youngest starting Prinary school last September, so the wife picked up some part time work. To keep herself busy.

Both of us love our jobs and being a stay at home dad or mum is something that would mentally destroy either of us. The jobs are probably the only thing that allow us to detach from the chaos.

Our eldest is going to play school this September so the child care costs will drop a bit. At least there's that.

We just have to survive the worst for another year or 2.

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees, but...

It does get easier.
And it gets better.
And you'll love your girls more than anything in the world.

try make time for yourself and your wife, remember the woman you fell in love with.

Laszlo Cravensworth

Laszlo Cravensworth wrote: »

Both of us love our jobs and being a stay at home dad or mum is something that would mentally destroy either of us. The jobs are probably the only thing that allow us to detach from the chaos.

Our eldest is going to play school this September so the child care costs will drop a bit. At least there's that.

We just have to survive the worst for another year or 2.

You're genuinely over the worst

Borzoi

jon1981 wrote: »

Anyone here thinking why they didn't have kids in their mid to late 20s instead of waiting to mid to late 30s?

Spare a thought for those of us which who started in our late 40s ðŸ˜

ted1

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

You're genuinely over the worst

Only one way to be sure, time to join this thread. https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056282040/91/#post117498796

Calhoun

Fat Dad wrote: »

I'm a father to two young girls, both only babies. 18 months apart.

I'm working from home, which has given me a lot of time i wouldn't have had with my children, which is great in that I see them when i'm making a cup of tea or having lunch, and bad from the point of view that I can't escape the noise and circus that surrounds them when I'm trying to focus on my job.

I'm up from 5am each morning with them, sorting their breakfast and sterilising bottles, putting on or hanging out washes of clothes, small jobs as quietly as I can while my wife gets a few hours sleep (she takes most of the night mid week, I do the nights at weekends).

I've a busy job. I work from 830-6pm. I do a college course by night, it's almost finished (September, 2 yrs MSc online), and it's hanging over me like a dark cloud. I've limped through it for the last 21 months and I've passed all so far and I've a thesis to write now, which is proving immensely difficult as I simply cannot get a 'block' of time to do anything. I am squeezing in an hour or two here and there, which won't cut the mustard on this thing. It's a constant back of my mind stress hanging over me.

My wife and I aren't really getting on great, I don't think there are any real issues apart from tiredness and the go go go of raising two infants. Sex life has paused a while, we're not sharing a bed while we rotate baby duties. This is something that's keeping us alive during the day as we're both getting some sleep, but I'm worried it's causing other issues between us. Having said that, we tried a similar approach after baby 1 and things got back to normal intimacy (back int he same bed, sex life resumed somewhat) once the baby grew a little and settled so I'm optimistic for the same again, just a tough few months.

I feel so tired and worn out that I've let myself go. I think 'let myself' is even harsh on myself, I can't help it at the moment. Okay, maybe that's excuses as well. I'm overeating 'bad' food, it's a coping mechanism for tiredness and stress. A comfort eat.

I used to keep myself somewhat in shape. I'd cycle or jog now and then, watch my food, swim, go to a gym. Nothing over the top but always active in the evenings or weekends doing something. Now it feels like I've zero time for me. Ever. As ridiculous as it sounds, I don't have an hour a day to go for a run.

I'm worried I'm totally losing who I am and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not me. I'm 'dad', I don't feel like a husband much either, just the other parent in the house trying to raise the children. I feel lost.

I would love to hear from other fathers who struggled a bit with this and are maybe a few years further down the line than I am. How did it play out for you? Was the 'damage' permanent, or did you 'recover' from it, get back on track with your life etc.

I would lie if i said i didn't get overwhelmed as you do its the nature of the beast but you learn to navigate through it. Ill try and recommend somethings that have not already been mentioned.

First, what is the bed time routine like for your girls? do you dream feed them or are you feeding them during the night? If both of you are working these questions are super important. We had to get our girls into a nighttime routine with dream feeding. The bonus of doing this is they sleep the night and if you schedule it just right sleep until 7/8 in the morning (my youngest is 2 and is like clockwork). I know no child is the same but you have to clearly define a routine and stick to it.

Second, that workday is far too long 47.5 hours if your working from home your doing a corporate job i would assume so your over working by 8-9 hours easily. That is time that could be used for exercise or for other tasks.

Third, what jobs can you move to the night before so your not up and about so early?

Forth and Final priorities what is right for now? Put your thesis on hold. As someone who has been doing distance learning i have also had to make the decision to put stuff on hold because it didn't work at the time with my work life balance. Imagine how hard it is for you is magnified for your wife, your gone from 8:30-1800 daily and then at least two hours a night based on what you said above thats 12-13 hours your gone and you want to add more to it.

Is it any wonder your sex life is non-existent your wife is exhausted from managing the kids and you have bitten off so much more than you can chew and its stressing you out (not saying that in a bad way but its reality). As they say you shouldn't have dipped the wick if you cannot pay for the parafin, unfortunately this means for you that you pay like you are right now through tiredness and stress or you take a break and focus on getting things into a working routine and getting your relationship back on track

Its not easy believe me i was and am in a similar position and have had to back out of a degree course temporarily until i can got at it properly when it works.

smacl

Two girls myself, well over the horror years, they're now 18 and 21. Some excellent specific advice on here already so I won't repeat it. I would echo the sentiment of deferring the thesis if at all possible, two babies with both parents working full time is already a tough enough ask. What I would say to yourself and your other half is to make sure to be kind to yourself and kind to each other. It is a long haul for the first few years but every year gets better and easier. Our first was up every couple of hours for the first year or so and I remember having conversations with mates who also had very young kids wondering what the fúck we'd let ourselves into. A few years pass by, things get way easier and the kids become a real pleasure to be with. I found the toddler years to be great craic and all good from there on in. The baby stage is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.

eastie17

Yeah, more of the same for me at an advice level, dont take on too much, you have to be realistic. Although I would nearly argue that when they are older and involved in activities that can be just as hard, but your getting sleep and hopefully in the same bed at that stage. Dont do what all parents seem to do and get them involved in everything going, you end up just ferrying them from pillar to post and thats no craic either.
we eventually got to a rule of no more than 2 extra curricular activities, have 4 kids so do the sums for your own situaton when at that point. And dont buy into the intesnity of some field sports, U-6s are now almost being treated as if they dont train 4 times a week (slight exaggeration) then they have no chance. There needs to be a change in all that as well, seperate topic, but my firm belief is that we are losing young men and women from team sports in vast numbers right at the age when it benefits them the most because we are getting too organised and intense way too young.

One thing, and you alluded to it at the beginning, is don't lose yourself. Society doesn't really recognise the contributions that fathers make, and you only have to see what happens in places like the US, when that contribution is not there.
What i mean by that, the daytime media and the general narrative of things is "poor frazzled working mothers", the narrative on fathers is "ah sure let him mind them for an hour and he'll put a nappy on the child's head and order pizza for the 6 months old", ah sure isn't he great for trying. When the reality is that most fathers are rightly putting their shoulders to the wheel. We dont need credit for it, but some general recognition would be nice.
But there is no support for this, we dont talk about these things with eachother, whereas women do and are encouraged to do so. Best we do is the odd fatalistic comment. So you can end up isolated and just lose yourself in it.
I'm out the other side now with couple in college and two coming to the end of school and frankly find myself a bit loss at times, Dads seem to be their to help but we dont have that support structure that mothers do - does that make any sense?

Stone Deaf 4evr

jon1981 wrote: »

Anyone here thinking why they didn't have kids in their mid to late 20s instead of waiting to mid to late 30s?

I always said that the one regret I had about having kids was why didnt we have them sooner.
I was 32 when we had our first, 34 when we had the second. when I look back at my mid to late 20's, you could spend a long weekend on the beer friday & saturday night, and all day sunday, with maybe 4 hours sleep and a breakfast roll to keep you going.

But - the decline sets in quick, and before you know it, even 1 hour of sleep lost totally disrupts your life.

Anyway, hang in there OP, it'll get easier.

Colonel Panic

I'm in my 40s with a newborn son. It's a two-sided thing. I'm glad I waited because I'm financially secure and a more mature, better person than I was 15 years ago, but I do worry that when he's older, I'll be older too. Gonna have to focus on healthy living from now on!

smacl

Colonel Panic wrote: »

I'm in my 40s with a newborn son. It's a two-sided thing. I'm glad I waited because I'm financially secure and a more mature, better person than I was 15 years ago, but I do worry that when he's older, I'll be older too. Gonna have to focus on healthy living from now on!

Agreed entirely. 34 for our first and 37 for the second, worked out pretty well in that we had a lot of fun child free years before buckling down to parenthood. At the other end of this now, mid 50s for a 21 year old and 18 year old works really well. Physical fitness and health plays a big role too, for me I was in my best ever shape in my 30s and 40s which meant loads of physical activity with the kids which is something we kept up through the years. I reckon you'll be absolutely fine in your 40s and 50s with kids and teens, keeping in good shape is good for you and for them.

Yeah fitness is everything when having kids late I think too.

Since my GFs did not want kids until they hit 30 and since I am 2 and 10 years older than them - this means started having my first two kids at age 32 with GF1 and third when I was 40 with GF2. She is now currently pregnant with the fourth and final planned one and I am currently 42. Getting it snipped / tied / neutralised / lopped off after that

So keeping on top of it health and fitness wise is more a priority than it ever has been. Thankfully I made it a priority already even before kids - and ever since - so have a good base to work from. We will see how well I am keeping up in 2030 when I am dealing with an 8/9 year old as a 50 year old.

smacl

Deleted User wrote: »

We will see how well I am keeping up in 2030 when I am dealing with an 8/9 year old as a 50 year old.

8/9 year old at that age will be great craic and keep you on your toes. A Da into martial arts and archery will be the absolute envy of your kid's friends. In my experience, above all activities, nothing kids enjoy more than play fighting.

Heh my current son is already joking around that his dad is the Green Arrow.

Dickie10

my neighbour was a bachelor farmer , he met a woman at 51 , got married at 53 and had a baby a few months later, his first. another farmer neighbour is 52 and has 4 kids under 6. had his first at 47. seems a common theme among farmers

The One Doctor

Father of a 6 year old and two month old daughters here.

I'm lucky as I spent a long time with my oldest daughter when I was off work for a few years. Really got to know her and enjoy life as my wife worked shifts.

I've just started a new commission based sales role and it's harder with the two month old as I feel like I never see her. My wife breastfeeds so I don't really get into the care of the baby other than nappies and play when I'm there. Can't really help at night apart from nappy changes.

I don't have any external hobbies right now, but will be learning to fly next year so looking forward to that.

Honestly I feel guilty working, I would much prefer looking after my kids full time, but the money makes a big difference, we can save and have health insurance and a bit of security.

My wife wants us to get a mortgage (I'm 42 and both of us earn less than average for our ages) and that's stressing me. Feels like a terrible void of financial horribleness is approaching.

The Mighty Quinn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117966393#Comment_117966393

The terrible void of financial horribleness now might be preferable to trying to pay rent on a place while in your 70s....