Boyfriend putting on weight

LegacyUser

I’m posting this with the risk that I might get flamed but am just looking for advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we are very happy together. He is kind, funny, and I can be completely myself with him. Our relationship is just easy and comfortable and from early on felt right and like we knew each other far longer.

When I met him he had a small bit of weight on him, maybe a stone or so which didn’t bother me. I put on a bit of weight myself as with lockdown and places being closed, our weekends consisted of eating and takeaways. Since last October I took steps to address this and just allow myself one treat at the weekend rather than eating badly from Friday to Sunday. I lost the extra 10-14 pounds and feel much healthier and better in myself.
My boyfriend has probably put on at least another stone in this time. He lives at home and I think there’s dessert nearly every day, he likes his few beers on a Saturday night, a fry on a Sunday and we generally get a takeaway at the weekend. It is probably all this combined which has resulted in weight gain. We are quite active and go on walks every weekend. When I said in October that I wanted to lose the weight I’d put on, he said very nicely that maybe I’d just put on a few pounds but that I looked great. I didn’t take it badly as it wasn’t said in a nasty way and I wanted to lose the weight to feel more comfortable in myself.

I guess i don’t want his weight gain to get out of hand as it’s a lot easier to lose 2 stone that 3 or 4. He is quite confident and happy in himself but is aware that he is carrying extra weight. When I put up a mirror in my bedroom his first comment when he looked in it is that he needed to lose weight.I didn’t feel it was the time to mention it then as he seemed frustrated and annoyed with himself. Has anyone any tips on how to have a conversation with him about this? I’m even beginning to get a bit tired of getting takeaways every weekend and I don’t mind cooking at all so I’m happy to cook at weekends aswell. We see each other twice a week and over the weekend and we generally go walking. Part of me thinks I’m being awful feeling like this and not having a clue how to broach the issue. How come I didn’t mind the extra stone or so but now that it’s more, it’s bothering me?

Do I broach the issue? I didn’t mind when he told me I had a few extra pounds because I knew it was true and he said it nicely to me. If I was assured of the same reaction I’d be straight up with him and offer my support in any way I could but I don’t want to hurt his feelings either.

skallywag

lookingforadvice wrote: »

When I said in October that I wanted to lose the weight I’d put on, he said very nicely that maybe I’d just put on a few pounds but that I looked great. I didn’t take it badly as it wasn’t said in a nasty way and I wanted to lose the weight to feel more comfortable in myself.

So you didn't take it badly when he told you that you looked great regardless of the weight gain which you yourself had brought up? That was nice of you.

ElizaBennett

You can't help how you feel and if you're going to fancy him less with extra weight on then it would be good if he could turn things round now, before the issue gets worse. You don't need to bring it up in a big serious way, just instigate the new habits. Lead with the plan to cook a healthy meal at the weekend and if he wonders why tell him you both need better habits and it's a good time of year to make some effort to be healthier. I don't think you need to spell it out. He does know already. Just help him along the road and it will benefit you too. And don't let anyone make you feel like a bad person for wanting your boyfriend to look his best and make the effort.

For both of you I’d finish it.

He’s with someone who expects him to be something he’s not so that’s not good for him, and you’re with someone who isn’t living up to what you want so that’s not good for you. Nobody’s fault, can’t change how you feel, but it’s probably time for both parties to be someone who they’re happier with and is happy with them.

.

JeffKenna

I'd say it to him. I had an ex who put on a few stone and it made her look like a completely different person. Attraction was gone.

osarusan

It seems like he knows he's heavy and wants to lose weight, so that's already a headstart.

Next time he mentions it, be ready with some suggestions about more exercise, cutting out a takeaway, and so on. Stuff both of you can do to get/stay fit and healthy.

Next time a takeaway is suggested, say you'd rather not as you've noticed your weight creeping back up a little and you want to keep an eye on it (even if that is not true) and see if it prompts anything from him.

jimmycrackcorm

ReginaldSmythV wrote:

For both of you I’d finish it.

It's this is the criteria, then remember this is Ireland and they'll likely never find anyone else to permanently fit in that criteria.

Op, honestly is the best policy, but to both of you. Have a simple conversation together that you both need to need to lose weight and talk about eating and exercise ideas to accomplish it.

There's a benefit as a couple being something you can achieve together.

The simple fact is that unless you are honest with him, then nothing is going to change, when he's oblivious to how you feel, but yet, it's actually an uprising to do something positive for both of you as a couple.

YellowLead

osarusan wrote: »

It seems like he knows he's heavy and wants to lose weight, so that's already a headstart.

Next time he mentions it, be ready with some suggestions about more exercise, cutting out a takeaway, and so on. Stuff both of you can do to get/stay fit and healthy.

Next time a takeaway is suggested, say you'd rather not as you've noticed your weight creeping back up a little and you want to keep an eye on it (even if that is not true) and see if it prompts anything from him.

This exactly. And you can say it to him nicely like he did with you, it sounds like he’d be open to that conversation.

Healthy eating kicks and exercise are much easier to do with somebody so it could be something to share and bring you closer.

leggo

osarusan wrote: »

Next time he mentions it, be ready with some suggestions about more exercise, cutting out a takeaway, and so on. Stuff both of you can do to get/stay fit and healthy.

I’m sorry but I absolutely hate this advice. First off, people who nitpick or are dying to change others at any available opportunity are genuinely doing so because they’re deathly insecure in themselves and projecting. So it’s not behaviour that I’d encourage. If you think like that, the message you should be receiving is “the person that needs to change here is me and my partner should be with someone who accepts them.”

It’s also something you don’t have any right to do/say OP. We’re allowed to eat how we want, exercise when we want and look how we want. Nobody should be shamed for doing so because a partner had ‘other ideas’ for us, especially someone who you admit seems quite happy in himself.

The flip side of this is that you’re not obliged to be with him. How you feel and even thinking the thoughts you are is valid, you just can’t act upon it beyond deciding what you want for yourself. If you’re not attracted to him anymore, you can tell him as a stopgap before you break up. He can decide to act or tell you to eff off. But if you’re thinking anything like “I want to keep him but change him so that he’s what I want, but also have the conversation in a way so how I feel doesn’t end in me possibly getting dumped”...then, sorry, but you’re passive aggressive and a bit controlling.

If you are still attracted to him, then you need to ask yourself what’s wrong with you that’s making you so eager to nitpick and change someone you claim to care about.

el Fenomeno

With gyms opening up again next week, try encourage him to join. Maybe suggest a couples membership if there's such an offer in a gym near you.

Yes, eating better is most of the battle and joining a gym isn't necessary, but he's more likely to stick to a good diet and cut out the weekly fry and pints if he's putting in work in the gym, and it will be great for his overall mood too.

Just a suggestion, it would be some good quality time for you both also.

leggo

osarusan wrote: »

Next time he mentions it, be ready with some suggestions about more exercise, cutting out a takeaway, and so on. Stuff both of you can do to get/stay fit and healthy.

I’m sorry but I absolutely hate this advice. First off, people who nitpick or are dying to change others at any available opportunity are genuinely doing so because they’re deathly insecure in themselves and projecting. So it’s not behaviour that I’d encourage. If you think like that, the message you should be receiving is “the person that needs to change here is me and my partner should be with someone who accepts them.”

It’s also something you don’t have any right to do/say OP. We’re allowed to eat how we want, exercise when we want and look how we want. Nobody should be shamed for doing so because a partner had ‘other ideas’ for us, especially someone who you admit seems quite happy in himself.

The flip side of this is that you’re not obliged to be with him. How you feel and even thinking the thoughts you are is valid, you just can’t act upon it beyond deciding what you want for yourself. If you’re not attracted to him anymore, you can tell him as a stopgap before you break up. He can decide to act or tell you to eff off. But if you’re thinking anything like “I want to keep him but change him so that he’s what I want, but also have the conversation in a way so how I feel doesn’t end in me possibly getting dumped”...then, sorry, but you’re passive aggressive and a bit controlling.

If you are still attracted to him, then you need to ask yourself what’s wrong with you that’s making you so eager to nitpick and change someone you claim to care about.

LegacyUser

OP, it’s a perfectly valid concern. In fact I hate that we live in a society where we’re felt to a small degree that we’re not allowed be bothered by things like that.

It sounds to me like he’s already aware of it and that it’s already kinda bothering him, but not enough to act on it. I think all you can do is ask him straight out does he want to join you on a diet. Tbh weight gain is all about calories , a healthy diet should be all about consuming less calories than burning. By focusing more on food and less on exercise you will see results faster.

Im not saying don’t do exercise of course but a chocolate bar can basically wipe the efforts of a 30 minute run. A big desert would probably be wipe the efforts of a full gym session.

I think this if this issue is not going away in your head then you need to begin to make it more of an issue for real.

Taeholic

OP, you said your boyfriend is happy and quite confident. This is your issue not his. He said himself once that he wanted to lose a bit of weight, that's up to him to do IF he wants to. It's his body you don't get a say.

If he asks you for advice, tips etc then yes by all means support him. Also if he was advised by a medical professional to lose weight for health reasons again yes you should support him. However it seems to be your issue with how he looks.

The way you describe his eating habits are very telling, almost like contempt or disgust. Perhaps I am picking that up wrong? Regardless my advice is the same, no you shouldn't say anything.
He's happy, leave him be. If you're not happy then maybe you need to re evaluate your relationship with him.

Esse85

I would speak to him about it but don't make it about his looks.
Say your worried for his long term health, heart disease etc.
Regular takeaways, beers and frys are really bad for the body, inside and out.

If he fails to take onboard what you say, it says to me he's not all too concerned about the future, which in itself says alot.

Lesalare

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

For both of you I’d finish it.

He’s with someone who expects him to be something he’s not so that’s not good for him, and you’re with someone who isn’t living up to what you want so that’s not good for you. Nobody’s fault, can’t change how you feel, but it’s probably time for both parties to be someone who they’re happier with and is happy with them.

.

What a load of toss. This is why most separated/single men etc on Irish dating sites over 35-40 are overweight and look 10 years older.

If you are in a relationship with someone you love it's part of your 'job' to not let them turn into an obese heifer.

JustAThought

OP - are you both in your early
twenties? For someone that gound to be 2 stone overweight is a lot - having said that, we’ve all
been locked up in our houses hobby eating for the past year so I wouldn’t read too much into it.

As someone else has said here gyms and pools and club games/ training will be opening up again soon and this will probably reaolve his issue. He knows about it. You saw his reaction when you put a mirror up in your room - he will get onto it.

I wouldn’t say anything directly to him or take it upon yourself to bring it up. It’s a very cruel thing to do - especially when he has already noted it and said it himself to you and seemed upset about it. But if he mentions it or brings it up I’d +1 for the lets try not having a take away at weekend and not snacking so much in front of the tv - that you see your weight creep up when you do that and have to compensate deserts and treats to offset it. He’s not stupid - he’ll read the message.

Obviously physical attraction is very important and noone wants to be dating someone who puts on a stone every year from a startbase of overweight - but he was kind to you when you said you were overweight. Why not return the same kindness to him.

LillySV

Lesalare wrote: »

What a load of toss. This is why most separated/single men etc on Irish dating sites over 35-40 are overweight and look 10 years older.

If you are in a relationship with someone you love it's part of your 'job' to not let them turn into an obese heifer.

So if someone you love puts on weight ... you will think ... undesirable obese heifer ? No love displayed here....

Regarding dating services .... so your generalizing that majority of men over 35 that use a dating service are fat and undesirable ? And I assume you’ll tell me the women in the same age group are sexy thin desirable women ?? lol


I think you and the op are very similar ... too busy thinking of yourselves rather than your partner ... end it as ye haven’t time to love someone else

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

TheodoreT I have removed your post. OP please do not suggest to your boyfriend that they follow extreme or unhealthy changes to their diet unless that advice is from a medical professional.

Thanks

HS

Lesalare

Lesalare wrote: »

What a load of toss. This is why most separated/single men etc on Irish dating sites over 35-40 are overweight and look 10 years older.

If you are in a relationship with someone you love it's part of your 'job' to not let them turn into an obese heifer.

That’s a disgraceful term to use about a person.

Ash.J.Williams

lookingforadvice wrote: »

I’m posting this with the risk that I might get flamed but am just looking for advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we are very happy together. He is kind, funny, and I can be completely myself with him. Our relationship is just easy and comfortable and from early on felt right and like we knew each other far longer.

When I met him he had a small bit of weight on him, maybe a stone or so which didn’t bother me. I put on a bit of weight myself as with lockdown and places being closed, our weekends consisted of eating and takeaways. Since last October I took steps to address this and just allow myself one treat at the weekend rather than eating badly from Friday to Sunday. I lost the extra 10-14 pounds and feel much healthier and better in myself.
My boyfriend has probably put on at least another stone in this time. He lives at home and I think there’s dessert nearly every day, he likes his few beers on a Saturday night, a fry on a Sunday and we generally get a takeaway at the weekend. It is probably all this combined which has resulted in weight gain. We are quite active and go on walks every weekend. When I said in October that I wanted to lose the weight I’d put on, he said very nicely that maybe I’d just put on a few pounds but that I looked great. I didn’t take it badly as it wasn’t said in a nasty way and I wanted to lose the weight to feel more comfortable in myself.

I guess i don’t want his weight gain to get out of hand as it’s a lot easier to lose 2 stone that 3 or 4. He is quite confident and happy in himself but is aware that he is carrying extra weight. When I put up a mirror in my bedroom his first comment when he looked in it is that he needed to lose weight.I didn’t feel it was the time to mention it then as he seemed frustrated and annoyed with himself. Has anyone any tips on how to have a conversation with him about this? I’m even beginning to get a bit tired of getting takeaways every weekend and I don’t mind cooking at all so I’m happy to cook at weekends aswell. We see each other twice a week and over the weekend and we generally go walking. Part of me thinks I’m being awful feeling like this and not having a clue how to broach the issue. How come I didn’t mind the extra stone or so but now that it’s more, it’s bothering me?

Do I broach the issue? I didn’t mind when he told me I had a few extra pounds because I knew it was true and he said it nicely to me. If I was assured of the same reaction I’d be straight up with him and offer my support in any way I could but I don’t want to hurt his feelings either.

I was putting in weight and my girlfriend thought there might be some underlying issues and made me see an abdominal specialist, I beginning to think I was going to be diagnosed a fat bastard however an eagle eyed ct scan consultant told the abdominal consultant to drop everything and send me to a renal specialist, they didn’t even see me ...sent straight to surgery ( 3 months later due to Covid restrictions) and hey presto I’m down a kidney but feeling amazing:)

Lesalare

LillySV wrote: »

So if someone you love puts on weight ... you will think ... undesirable obese heifer ? No love displayed here....

Regarding dating services .... so your generalizing that majority of men over 35 that use a dating service are fat and undesirable ? And I assume you’ll tell me the women in the same age group are sexy thin desirable women ?? lol


I think you and the op are very similar ... too busy thinking of yourselves rather than your partner ... end it as ye haven’t time to love someone else

No, but there are a lot of people who get married and totally let themselves go. I don't give a crap if someone is carrying a bit of weight, but if I was in a relationship with someone I cared about and saw they were putting on a load of weight via mindless over eating, I'd politely and kindly find ways to encourage them to be more active or help out by making healthier food etc. I'd appreciate it too from their side if it was me. Same as if someone was drinking too much or such.

I did notice when I was on dating sites here that a lot of men over 40 looked a lot older than they said they were. Being overweight ages a person. It's a fact.

Also I think your over analysis of my character is more offensive TBH.

It's more caring and loving to support a partner and help them be the best version of themselves rather than say 'Ah f*ck it, have another cake and we'll get domino's again this eve'.

The term 'obese heifer' was being facetious and sarcastic. Cool yer jets.

Homelander

I think it's completely fine to not be OK with someone putting on a considerable amount of weight and have a lifestyle that indicates it will be a continued trend, and some of the responses here are completely out of whack with reality.

The OP already said he was carrying a bit of extra weight when she met him but that didn't bother her so efforts from some people here to paint her as a controlling sort with zero tolerance for change are, I hazard, far more telling of the commenter than the OP.

She's concerned with the fact that he's gained more weight since and given the current lifestyle, there's probably a high potential for continued gain. There really is nothing whatsoever wrong with being concerned about that, for a myriad of reasons - personal attraction, health concerns, whatever, they are all valid.

I think honesty is the best policy in these situations. A focus on while you weren't at all bothered by a bit of additional weight, you are concerned about recent weight gain and particularly the potential for it to snowball.

There is never an easy, or hurt-free way to broach these things but there is a "right" and constructive way, and most definitely a wrong way.

However given the past 14 odd months or whatever, I'd be far more inclined to see what changes over the next few months. With things opening up again, it should be far easier to get back to a "normal" lifestyle, and with that comes less chances to be sitting at home eating takeaways, drinking, or whatever.

There's a lot of people who've put on temporary weight throughout lockdown - some may not lose it again, obviously, but the vast majority will as life returns to normal and it's probably no harm to give him a bit of leeway to see how his behaviors change accordingly before having a difficult conversation.

Ultimately, there really is nothing wrong with having this issue whatsoever. All this talking of "nit-picking", "controlling", "passive aggressive behavior" and similar is totally ridiculous.

Relationships requires honesty and crucially, effort from both sides. No, he doesn't have to change, but neither does she have to be OK and accepting of that fact either. It's her right to raise the issue and his to respond to in whatever way he seems fit.

Both are completely valid but there needs to be effort on both sides for there to be an outcome that keeps everyone happy.