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Partner smoking weed everyday is upsetting me

  • 26-05-2021 8:30pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi everybody,

    I need advice on this matter before I approach it, I am a gay man who has been in a relationship since 2013. My partner has always smoked weed like every day multiple times a day since he was 14 I don't think there ever has been a day he didn't smoke.

    This never bothered me, we were bought young late teens then early 20s studying in college sharing a house etc.

    When I moved in with him in 2016 is when I started smoking weed occasionally I didn't see much problem with it, we both worked 45 hours a week and saved our money.

    We bought a house in 2020 I stopped 90% smoking maybe every few weeks, he is now 30 I am getting close to being 30, he is still constantly smoking 5 - 6 times a day, because he is working at home he will smoke during he working hours, he will finish and smoke every 45 minutes until he goes to bed, on the weekend he will smoke first thing in the morning. All this smoking is being in a relationship with a zombie, I will mention to him when he speaks he is sluring his words but he doesnt belive me, I keep asking him to stop smoking but he wont, as the evening goes on there might as well be a cabbge sitting on the sofa beside me.

    Am I going to be able to resolve this or do I need to pack it in sell the house and move on?

    I really love this person, when he isn't high all is good, but when he is high I hate it.

    I have keep asking him to please stop many times, this week since Monday I have just given hope I haven't spoken a word to him. I don't think he 100% knows why yet but when I mention it he will say I will cut down 20 minutes later he is smoking.

    I don't want him to stop 100% but during the week it really bothers me.

    I would really like to see what our relationship is like without weed involved.

    Another thing I don't see why he needs to smoke every day it makes no sense to me, okay I know I said I smoked but I don't need to smoke every day nor do I want to, if I smoke more than a few days I feel horrible.

    Thanks everybody


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,282 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I think your partner needs to want to reduce his smoking for himself, or it might never happen. It sounds like it’s a huge part of his life and if he needs to choose between smoking weed and you, he might unfortunately choose the former.

    Or does he express a real desire to cut down? But he’s just not able to? If so, there may be some professional help out there that could be explored and would be worth it to save the relationship (if it’s what you both want) and for his own health

    Have you had proper deep conversations about it - how it’s affecting you etc?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Himnydownunder


    Unless you leave him, he will never change. Because you smoked with him to some extent, he probably has the attitude “well you’re one to talk.” Maybe move in with a friend/ family member for a few weeks. Show him that you mean business. At the moment he doesn’t seem to take you seriously. He is clearly in denial with his addiction, saying that he is not slurring his words. I am no expert on drugs, but it probably doesn’t help with the image it has, that it is this non-addictive drug.


  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,147 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    I don’t know enough about this so someone might enlighten me - does this not mean that OP’s partner is high all day everyday? As in he’s either asleep or high (at least a little)?

    In that case I doubt if he will suddenly agree that he can go through life sober just be because he is asked. I suspect he may need professional help, but you’ll have to start by trying to have a conversation with him. Best of luck to you, I hope you can get through this.


  • Registered Users Posts: 31,609 ✭✭✭✭gmisk


    Not to be harsh but it sounds like you knew what you were signing up for.

    He clearly needs professional help, I am surprised he is able to hold down a job.


  • Registered Users Posts: 580 ✭✭✭Pablo_Flox


    Joe Rogan said it best...

    "People can smoke pot and become losers. But guess what? They would have become losers anyway. It’s like what you’re saying is, the lazy people with no ambition who aren’t that bright, pot gets a hold of them and it’s gonna **** up their lives. But guess what? Their lives are already ****ed up. You come to certain roadblocks or certain things in your life where you have to make decisions about your behavior and where you have to reassess yourself. If you can’t get through the weed hurdle, how the **** are you going to deal with the real world?"


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  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    He's been like this before you met him, he's not going to change now. Maybe you thought he'd grow out of it but it's clear that he wont. This is who he is.

    So as to your choices - yes, I do think you should split up. He's a stoner, he always was one and indications are that he is entirely happy with being a stoner. You don't want a stoner for a partner. Even if he agrees to quit for you, more than likely he would only hide it more, or move onto something else to replace the weed.

    It's not far off the same mindset of a person who's partner is abusive to them - there's a small % of them that's amazing, lovely, and when they are in that zone, the relationship is brilliant. That's what makes people stay after all. But the rest of the time it's unhappy, stressful, lonely and isolating. So if a friend told you they were in a relationship where 10% is brilliant, but the other 90% was awful, what advice would you give them?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,773 ✭✭✭mohawk


    OP he is still the same guy that you met and started a relationship with. He hasn’t changed but it sounds like you have. You were happy to smoke for awhile but now your not interested. You probably assumed at the start that you both would grow out of it.

    I think you should think long and hard about whether the relationship still meets your needs. Is there stuff you would love to be doing if your partner wasn’t stoned all the time? Do you feel held back by his actions in anyway? Are you lonely because he is smoking all the time?

    Sometimes people that once loved each other drift apart after a few years. He isn’t going to change OP. You just need to think about whether you can accept this if not it’s time to move on.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I hope he at least has the decency to grow his own and not fund criminality. Although I doubt it.

    OP, he is addicted. If he won't get help, leave. You say he is great when he is not high, but that seems to be never?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Neyite wrote: »
    He's been like this before you met him, he's not going to change now. Maybe you thought he'd grow out of it but it's clear that he wont. This is who he is.

    So as to your choices - yes, I do think you should split up. He's a stoner, he always was one and indications are that he is entirely happy with being a stoner. You don't want a stoner for a partner. Even if he agrees to quit for you, more than likely he would only hide it more, or move onto something else to replace the weed.

    It's not far off the same mindset of a person who's partner is abusive to them - there's a small % of them that's amazing, lovely, and when they are in that zone, the relationship is brilliant. That's what makes people stay after all. But the rest of the time it's unhappy, stressful, lonely and isolating. So if a friend told you they were in a relationship where 10% is brilliant, but the other 90% was awful, what advice would you give them?

    Nailed it. OP this is the correct response to your situation.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    People don't change for relationships.

    They rarely even change for themselves.

    So i won't tell you to leave or stay ..but bear that in mind.

    People get into relationships to be accepted as they are.

    Your needs ..have obv changed etc.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP, Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Its extremely frustrating for you as your approach and opinion of his weed use has changed. Before it never really bothered you but now you see the impact of his usage. For him, and in his head, he is doing nothing wrong and has never changed his behaviour throughout the duration of your relationship so he can't see the issue.

    You need to outline to your partner that its a complete dealbreaker for you - or that he needs to cut back significantly, if not you can't continue. He needs to listen to you and understand how this is affecting you and the relationship. However my concern here is that nothing will change, he 'says' he'll cut it back but then the usage will just return to his usual levels. Unfortunately heavy weed usage can be a very strong habit to break especially as he has been doing it for so long.

    Ive been on the same side as you (non-smoker) and been in two relationships whereby weed was a factor. One ex used to experience paranoia and ultimately gave it up as the penny dropped it wasn't good for their mental health. With the other relationship it was an excuse to just 'not deal' with life. After breaking up I discovered he was spending thousands on it and smoking way more than I had ever known but also turned to dealing it in order to supplement his supply. He was clever enough to hide how much he smoked but I could see the physical toll on his body (baked half the time, lost his job, health issues). A lovely guy in all ways but when it came to weed, it was his first love. After ending the relationship his reaction was to light up a spliff and that reaction said it all to me.

    Don't be afraid to walk away for your own sanity. Imagine five or ten years down the line still being in the same scenario?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,319 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    I’m sorry to hear about your partner and problem OP.

    It sounds as if he has become so habituated to the weed that he dosn’t even see it anymore. 16 years of smoking it is a lot. But if he’s smoking & you’re living together then you’re smoking it too. Passively. Have you brought this up with him? Is there a way you could leverage this to change WHERE he smokes - it might not be as easy or attractive if he has to go into the garden and can’t just chill on the couch. Also - if you’re stopped and teated at a checkpoint you cpild
    test positive for it and lose your license or get a conviction - another reason perhaps that might work in reducing his use or making him reatrict it and its location.

    It sounds maybe as thou you have matured and grown up and he hasn’t - has only become more submerged in his habbit rather than sharing tome and experiences with you. Maybe you have drifted apart in life goals and ambitions even thou you now live physically closer together.

    Who owns the house and are your married? Is a split going to cost you half your asset or if it came to it can you sell, pay the mortgage loan off or rent it and move out ? If he won’t reduce to specific use terms can you revert to living seperately but still date or have a trial seperation?

    It seems its his zone out habit of 16 years or you. It seems a terrible waste when you love him so
    much that he chooses to be mentally absent rather than with you. There is more to being present than occupying the same
    physical room.

    Beat of luck :( Its a hard one when you are trapped in it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,374 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Pablo_Flox wrote: »
    Joe Rogan said it best...

    "People can smoke pot and become losers. But guess what? They would have become losers anyway. It’s like what you’re saying is, the lazy people with no ambition who aren’t that bright, pot gets a hold of them and it’s gonna **** up their lives. But guess what? Their lives are already ****ed up. You come to certain roadblocks or certain things in your life where you have to make decisions about your behavior and where you have to reassess yourself. If you can’t get through the weed hurdle, how the **** are you going to deal with the real world?"

    This so wrong and not helpful! The OP's partner isnt a 'loser' he has an addiction, it's an illness just like any other drug or alcohol addiction & he needs help to recover!
    Theres allot of misinformation about weed particularly about it not being addictive!
    OP im about your partners age and I remember being a teenager and in my early 20's hanging around with a load of weed heads and they all believed the tripe that weed isnt bad for you and its not addictive! My partner at the time became a daily smoker and it completely changed his personality, he was a zombie when he was high and a d!ck head when he was sober! The person I fell in love with was gone and we broke up because of it. Several of his friends developed mental health problems as a result of the weed, one developed a schizophrenic disorder. Theres no much wrong information about it that people don't realise that for some people it develops into a serious addiction & health problems.

    You cant force your partner to get help, he has to want to do it and he has to do it for himself, otherwise he will either resent you for making him quit, he'll lie about smoking or he'll end up in a cycle of recovery and relapse.
    Maybe you could try and talk to his family & friends & contact an addiction service for advise on what you should do.

    Your other option is to leave and never look back, when it comes to dealing with someone elses addiction, the lather is by far the easiest option imo.


  • Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    5 or 6 times a day is a bit much. He must be constantly baked.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,896 ✭✭✭sabat


    Try to arrange something that gets him away from it for 3 or 4 days like a trip down the country, with activities to keep you busy. It's more of a psychological habit than a physical addiction although he'll have trouble sleeping the first night or two.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I was in a relationship like that, and then I got roped into the habitual smoking.

    I tried to get her to stop, but she was clearly completely dependent on it.

    I had to end the relationship to save myself from her habit, basically.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,319 ✭✭✭JustAThought


    Cancer is an illness.
    MS is an illness.

    Smoking weed is a self indulgent habbit that can become an addiction and that can lead to mental illness - or not. It also can cause lung cancer and trigger or cause respirotory diseases in innocent people around it.

    I’m getting tired of every other self indulgent vice being treated as though it is cancer. Its not. And the partner who is totally selfishly persuing his hobby/habbit is doing this despite knowing all the consequences for his partner who he claims to love.I’d say It’s hard to tell love from a relationship habbit when they are spaced off their face all day and ignoring all your pleas and requests to stop. Like all addicts - selfish and indulging themselves whatever the cost until they feel a consequence themselves. i feel very sorry for the OP who clearly loves/loved him. His partners first love is the feeling he gets off the weed. Everything else is incidental.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    . He must be constantly baked.
    has the need to be.


    :(


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 158 ✭✭Zebrag


    Hi OP

    I'm sorry to hear about this.

    My concern here is, is there a reason your partner feels the need to divert his attention to weed? Mental health? Trauma? Lack of work? Lack of hobbies? Stress?

    What I'm saying is, the constant usage of smoking weed is obviously an addiction that can sometimes stem from an issue in the background, from childhood or general stress in your partners working life. Often it can be a case that your partner just can't go a day without smoking or feeling the need to feel the effects from weed and that's a major issue in itself as well. His addiction is highly worrying and the prolonged effect of smoking weed and constantly causes various mental health disorders (if he hasn't developed the effects already)

    Now don't get me wrong in saying this, I've a friend who of a weekend evening after their week in work and they want to destress, they don't drink and will have one or two joints the whole weekend and that's them done. Recreational purposes they call it. I still don't agree but I agree with moderation and they've often said that after the second one they forget about their "hobby" until the following weekend or for a while after at least.

    Moderation requires patience and your partner doesn't understand that although smoking weed can be something they can do once or twice, their addiction has led them into a path that they physically can't see their day without feeling the need to feel the effects of weed. Eventually their body will become so used to it that one or two joints simply doesn't do it for them. It's sad to see and you have to wounder why their mental state has allowed them to think their only purpose of their day is to take drugs.

    Theres help out there for those who are addicted to drugs, all forms by the way. Weed isn't known as the "worst kind" but I firmly belive that it's on par with smoking cigarettes, you're inhaling drugs into your body for the simple effects to feel the pleasure - drowsiness, relaxation, calm etc but the worrying part is, your partner doesn't value this aspect and feels that its actually part of his personality.

    I applaud you for recognising that his behaviour towards the weed is really unhealthy and you've stated yourself that you've stopped due to knowing that it really isn't healthy. You should be proud of yourself for doing this.

    My only advise here is to be firm and explain how you feel and why you think it's not doing him any favours, especially in the relationship. I'm sure if there was other drugs or alcohol involved, it would be the same concept and feelings so weed doesn't make it any better or worst. It's the constant usage and your partners lack of awanress that is upsetting you. It's your relationship as well as his at the end of the day and if one person is taking drugs and the other is upset, you certainly have every right to follow up on this. Just because you used to smoke or years ago and you gave up, doesn't give him the reason to say "well you used too", that's his defense mechanism to derive from the fact that you've taken it upon yourself to realise that it wasn't healthy or doing any favours and I'll be bordering telling him that the relationship will crumble if he continues.

    It's a tough situation OP and I do feel for you. I can see you clearly love him and want the best for him but remember, if this is something that has a reason, make sure to listen and try all avenues to help and learn how to help. If he doesn't want to go along and listen to what you have to say and simply doesn't want to stop, I would think clearly about what to do next because your mental health is also important

    Good Luck OP


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