Disheartened

LegacyUser

I'm feeling really disheartened. Me and my boyfriend have saved for a deposit for 5 years and reached €50k. The way the housing crisis is, lack of houses and vulture funds buying homes recently, we can not seem to find a home that we both love. We found one that we were willing to settle for as a means to get onto the property ladder and was outbidded and it wasn't a small outbid either. I personally think the estate agent was making us compete unnecessarily to be honest. The estate agent knew we only had a certain amount and kept ringing my boyfriend with higher prices and we've told him endlessly that we didn't have enough but he kept ringing saying the seller wanted us to purchase the house which I found odd as we never met the sellers when viewing the house. In the end my boyfriend stopped answering his calls and sent him an email withdrawing from everything. We were quick enough to get papers etc back but the estate agent made it clear that he won't be dealing with myself or boyfriend again. Setting aside the lack of professionalism, that doesn't upset us as much as the fact that the estate agent kept harassing my boyfriend to keep trying to hike up the payment.

On top of that work has become so stressful that I'm contemplating taking leave, or leaving altogether. I'm not sure if the stressful environment is due to my high stress level from trying to secure us both a home. Our relationship has been tensed since March when we realised how bad searching for a home and how disheartened we were becoming. It hasn't been easy for neither of us because we spent so long saving and now I feel that there's nothing in front of us to look forward too and it's mainly a case we work and save for nothing to show for it. My boyfriend has expressed his interest in becoming a parent and right now I'm refusing until we buy a home as we are both living with his parents in a 3 bedroom house that although is big enough I personally don't feel comfortable raising a child in a home that isn't mine. My boyfriend is 34 and I'm 32 time isn't exactly on our side in that retrospect but on the same page I can't put my life and plans on hold either.

We have 2 months left to find a home before we have to reapply for a mortgage and to be honest I do not have the energy to look or attempt to have a converstation about purchasing a home. We put a halt on holidays, weekend away and the fun stuff because we wanted to save and I've spoken to my boyfriend about taking 5k from the deposit and splurging it on holidays and breaks away as I feel as a couple we've lost the spark in terms of having fun. At the moment the only exciting thing we look forward too is babysitting my niece every couple of weekends as my sister works nights and when my niece goes home, it's back to normal routine of working and saving. Our sex life has swindled to the point that we are both mentally and physically drained to have a conversation at the end of the day. We both love each other dearly and we try our hardest to let each other know this but on the front of it all I think I'm just longing for something exciting to happen. Maybe it's a new home or a holiday or maybe it is a baby but mentally and emotionally I'm tired from the same things everyday.

People in work are looking forward to booking holidays or a shopping spree or a day trip but myself and boyfriend are so focused on the new home and being disheartened by the lack of homes available that we can't seem to bring ourselves to find excitement elsewhere. I spoke to my boyfriend about how I was feeling and he feels the same way but the determination and stubbornness in him won't tear him away from the savings we have and the possibility of a home this year, he has said he's waited 5 years and doesn't want to spend another year holding and hoping.

I supposed I can look at it as he would like a baby now and I'm setting that to the side and he's using this as his ambition to help the plans we have but at the moment I'm too disheartened to even try and focus on it. As we speak my boyfriend is looking online for homes further away from where we would like and he's desperate now rather than hopeful. I've tried to reason with him then it turns into an argument of who what's a home more than the other.

I'm not sure if this is the right thread. I just wanted to vent online to people I don't know as my friends and family are constantly saying things like "life is short don't hold plans" and "what's meant for you won't past you by" but it's hard to hear when we've put 5 years of hard savings into the deposit only to be outbidded horrendously and then find there's actually nowhere to buy. My boyfriends parent have been lovely and have not made any mention of us to leave and in fact my boyfriends mother has said she would rather if me and him stayed in the house indefinitely but I'm of the opinion that we are adults in our 30s who shouldn't he living with their parents and can afford to purchase a home.... we just can't find one.

I'm sorry for the long post.

Hannibal_Smith

When we bought OP, we went through similar. Now it was back in 2005 but we were being gazumped every where we went, couldn't find somewhere nice it was ridiculous. We had a rotten experience with an estate agent that to this day, I would still never use him. Even if I won the Lotto and he was selling me a castle for a knockdown price, I would avoid him like the plague.

It seems to be harder now no doubt and you seem to have to jump through hoops to view a property never mind put in an offer! I think it just will take even more patience. The worst thing you can do is to buy somewhere just to be on the ladder and regret it.

I know everything feels like its on pause at the moment and it's unfair given how much you've sacrificed so far, but you will get there. Why don't you take a 2 week house search break, where you don't look at or talk about house hunting and come back to it with (hopefully) a fresh enthusiasm?

ETA: There's an Accommodation and Property Forum, which you might find helpful to read.

YellowLead

What HS said. And know you are not alone there are loads of couples, and singletons (like me) in t s country in the same boat.
I agree with your idea of taking a small bit of cash out for a short break to re ignore your spark and have fun, but I don’t think 5k is necessary. I would say a maximum of 1k, or as a compromise even half that for a weekend away in Ireland.

Big Bag of Chips

Very few people manage to buy the first house they bid on. You and your partner need to know your limit and stop at it, regardless of what pressure the estate agent tries to put you under. House buying is unfortunately a very slow business. You've only bid on one house and it didn't work out. I know it's upsetting and you'd love to be making a move but I always believe that things happen for a reason. There's a better house (at probably a better price) that you are going to end up buying.

I agree with the advice above. Take a break for a week or 2. You have a good deposit saved so are in a great position.

Take a break. You will more than likely be in your new house by the end of the year!

Zebrag

Hi OP

Myself and partner are saving and have been for the last 2 years. I understand the frustration in saving and feeling like there's nothing to show for it. The two of us decided to reduced the savings that still matches what we need to show to show affordability and we also rent which helps, somewhat. It has helped us set aside a penny or two to save for mini breaks away (hopefully we can have a break away soon!) and so much so that my boyfriend is much happier to go into Penneys to stock up on socks and jocks as we had spent two years literally depriving ourselves from anything just to save the money. The reality hit us when we realised that we paid off our loans and we weren't as broke as we thought and like you, found that we needed things to look forward too while saving.

It's not easy at all OP. My partner, like yours, is hellbent on having our own family home with a kid or two and we both know realistically now isn't the time although we've both have said ourselves that we shouldn't put our plans on hold but the reality is, children are expensive and although they would be loved, it would mean longer renting, no ways to save and probably longer trying to get a lower deposit nevermind a deposit that's ideal. I'm nowhere near enough to my deposit amount and I've seen the frustration myself in friends purchasing their first homes to be outbidded, out smarted and out housed! But the end results of it was, they ended up getting the houses they fell in love with, albeit with complications along the way but a home nonetheless. Its not an easy feat but when your feet is up on the couch you bought with the new telly and cuppa (or wine) you'll soon realise how worth it it all was in the end.

I know the frustration when you feel you're working to save rather than working to enjoy life. I refuse to miss a day in work so I can keep up with the wages, savings and so forth but sometimes your body needs a day off. A break. An hour, a day or a week so just stop thinking about the one thing you want to refocus on what you can achieve in the meantime. I echo a previous poster by taking some sum of the deposit and splurge on a break away. Maybe 1k is more than enough for say 2-3 weekend breaks including some spending money. Maybe 1k for a week, or 2 week long holiday to reignite the spark and remind each other that you've other purposes in the relationship other than wanting to build a home and a family.

Take your boyfriends mothers advice and stay there for as long as you can. Keep saving, looking and enjoy the things you can do. You've reached 40k deposit so maybe reduced the savings for another 6 months and use whatever you're not saving for things you wish to buy. Be it things for the house (tea towels, cutlery, the fun stuff) or maybe a day trip to the Zoo with your niece or just your boyfriend. We've had 12 months of unsureness of the lockdown and now that we are all getting slowly back into reality and people will want to enjoy the freedom to be able to go out and about and forget about what we all went through.

SmallgirlBigcity

In a similar situation here. We've been saving for years to buy our house. We had planned to buy this year but now we've decided to put it on hold for a year. We both agree it would be madness to try to buy now. A property crash will most likely happen in the next year or two.

It's very disheartening. It was the one thing we had to look forward to for the last year and now it's gone. We'll have to wait another year. But I do think you should. Also, I had my baby at age 34 so there's still time for you. I always thought myself that once I had the baby before 35 I had a good chance, statistically. I think they say that your fertility drops quite a lot after 35.

I think your idea of having a little holiday and focusing on your relationship for now is a brilliant idea. Hold strong and best of luck.

mohawk

OP so many are in your situation and it sounds like your relationship has become completely focused on one goal. A 5k holiday dies seem like a massive splurge but maybe a weekend away for you both would do the trick. And I mean a weekend away where you actually get away from it all. Don’t even mention the future or babies just focus on the two of you. It would also give you something to look forward to.
Also OP is there anything that you have in your daily life to destress. Like a walk, run, meditation etc. Doesn’t matter what it is it just needs to be something that allows you to switch your brain off for 20 mins and helps you cope with stress.

Ms. Newbie18

Hi OP, boy do I know how you feel. I also moved home 5 years ago to save. I'm single so I knew it was going to be harder to get approval for the amount I would need to buy. I have roughly the same as you in savings for deposit then rainy day of 3 months wages (as advised) as I am on my own.. currently I don't even have mortgage approval as it ran out. I was outbid for 9/10 places I called up about before I even placed a bin myself. Ira crazy out there. I have also moved my catchment area but with no luck. There is nowhere in Dublin I can afford. Barely anywhere in Ireland tbh.

I agree with other posters. You should reduce your savings for a few months and have a few little weekend breaks. There are good deals to be found for stay cations, especially you go mid week. Would help out the spark back into your relationship. It can be hard living at home (more so if it is not your family); lack of privacy not etc..

It's disheartening right now but not totally hopeless. Take a break reset and relax. When you start again things will look better

Airyfairy12

I just noticed quite a few positives in your posts that I think would be helpful for you to pay attention to.

1. You have a healthy relationship with someone who loves you and is on the same page as you in terms of future plans together.
2. You have 50K in savings! That is something to be proud of and grateful for.
3. You and your partner are both in secure employment. Thousands of people cant say the same for themselves especially after the year we've all had.
4. You have supportive family & friends around you.
5. You have a a roof over your head, supportive by family which is allowing you both to continue to save.

My suggestion regarding the house issue would be to move out of the town/city and live in the countryside or a smaller village outside the area youre in. It may mean having a 15 or 20 minute drive into town but if thats the only negative is it really such a bad thing? Your money could stretch allot further this way and you would also have the benefit of having your own garden space & privacy.
Another option could be a self build. You could buy a piece of land in the countryside for 20K, take out a mortgage and build a home you would both love.

ILoveYourVibes

Op I echo the above from Airy Fairy.

You have savings ..and a stable relationship.

This things you will still have in a year. Whereas this situation will pass ...

Focus on what is permanent. Keep going through what is temporary.

The house you buy ...its going to be well maybe not permanent but not temporary if you know what i mean. The looking for it is temporary.


Forget about that estate agent. Learn from the experience.



If you want to have a holiday ..don't take it from your savings. SAVE for the holiday.