If your spouse sees ex behind you for a cuppa

LegacyUser

How would you feel if you are married for nearly a decade and out of nowhere you find out that your spouse saw an ex o behind your back? We went for a visit to our hometown and my husband saw his ex girlfriend who he bumped into and they started chatting on fb for a casual meetup over a cuppa and did not tell me about. I found out few months later, and honestly feel devasted, he thinks I am overreacting as they didnt have sex or kissed each other etc, it was kind of chatting up with an old friend. I just cant get over it. Please help

TheadoreT

I mean its not great is it, can see why its set your head spinning. How did you find out? Did he tell you or did you find the FB chat?

You'd think if there was nothing to hide he'd have been open and honest about it from the start. Like it is possible to be friends with an ex but respect for your current partner has to be 1st 2nd and 3rd priority and he didn't priorities your feelings here, no matter how innocent.

Probably several levels of what could have happened.

Most innocent- a genuine friendly catch up with no feelings for each other.

Most likely: bit of an emotional affair with an old flame

Potential: an actual affair, probably naive to completely rule out.

Probably wouldn't be an absolute deal breaker for me if they'd never shown any signs of disloyalty in the past and this was a one off(meeting an ex can do strange things to your emotions). But your feelings are valid here and shouldn't be downplayed by him.

Rubberchikken

How did you find out?
Tbh it would have been the decent thing to tell you in advance but sometimes that just doesn't occur to some.
Maybe it was all innocent as he says but it has hurt you and you need to explain that to him and he needs to see that it did affect you.
It's easy for him to dismiss it as you overacting but that's not fair.

Jequ0n

If you are freaking out over such a mundane thing I am not surprised at all that he didn’t tell you.

This is someone he went out with many years ago, so why are you feeling so insecure about it?

shtpEdthePlum

I disagree that this is an overreaction.

You know your husband better than we do OP. is this out of character for him or would he be very friendly with loads of contacts, to the extent that he doesn't bother to tell you about every encounter?

I can't help but feel like he might have mentioned it if it really wasn't a big deal.

Or maybe not, but I know I'm the sort of person who meets loads of people and I explicitly told my OH when meeting an ex who was back in town for a while. It would have been inappropriate not to, given the nature of our previous relationship to each other.

This seems too coincidental, cloak and dagger. If there's nothing to hide, why keep it secret until it's uncovered and inevitably going to be a hurtful secret.

There's no way of knowing for sure if there was malicious intent, but it would definitely be worth keeping an eye out for behaviour like this. Benefit of the doubt; nothing going on, innocent encounter. But don't keep those things secret from your spouse, that's shltty behaviour.

Xterminator

Your husband had a cup of tea with an ex and a chat. do you believe this , or do you suspect something more nefarious?

If you believe this is true then your reaction

"I just cant get over it. Please help"

does appear to be a massive overreaction. I can understand if you are not too happy about it, but the insecurity trust issues you are displaying appear to be well out of proportion to what you perceive his indiscretion is.

If you suspect him of more, do you have any evidence, or has his past behaviour led you to believe he is not trustworthy? If the answer to both is no, then again you are the one with the issue.

leggo

It’s not ideal levels of trust for a decade-long marriage, for sure. I’m not married so I’m trying to compare this to people I know who have been married that long to contextualise. My parents have mutual friends who they’d have dated years and years ago, for example, I’d know them myself and they’d have been over at the house and so on. It absolutely wouldn’t be a big deal if they went for a cup of coffee with one of them. In fact, I’d say it’d be weirder if they flagged it ahead of time because that would imply a significance.

Not telling you after the fact...if it was a case that there was some secrecy and concealment to it, rather than it being 1 out of 100 other things that happened that week...that’s a bit odd.

Now that could be, as someone said, because he knew there’d be a reaction. It could also absolutely be something non-sexual/romantic like it was a relationship that ended acrimoniously in a way that didn’t give any closure to either party. I’ve had that happen: swift, clean, bad-blooded break-ups that didn’t respect the fact that, even though it didn’t work out, the relationship was one that was mainly positive and significant so when the anger wore off there was a pang of regret that the other person may be walking around carrying guilt or thinking you hate them. I’ve had successful closure conversations too, long after the fact, where I’ve walked away happy if I never talked to or saw the person again but also in a positive frame of mind. So something like that could be in play. Not everything is as bad as our insecurities may lead us to think it is.

The way you move past this is to sit down and have a calm, honest chat where you also make it safe for your partner to give you honesty without judgement or threat of a blazing argument. This might involve you hearing stuff you may not like to hear, but that stuff may also not be worst case scenario and could be quite easy to work through in the grand scheme and lead to your marriage not being shook to its foundations by this. And there’s every chance that’s the end outcome here.

Big Bag of Chips

Is there more to this, OP.

On the face of it, bumping into an old flame/ex when back in your hometown wouldn't be an issue. Sending the odd chit-chat message wouldn't be an issue. Even going for a cup of tea and catch up wouldn't raise alarm bells with many people.

I went to a mixed school. I also went to school discos. I kissed a few fellas. I had a few boyfriends. I'm Facebook friends with some. I message some occasionally, comment /like their posts like I do with other friends. Catching up over a cup of tea is, something that I could definitely do.

In a healthy relationship it shouldn't cause this much trouble. Do you think your husband had good reason to not tell you at the time? Have you a history of reacting badly to him being in contact with women? Do you have good reason to feel betrayed by him? Has he a history of inappropriate friendships with women?

You really are the only one who can judge this. For most this wouldn't be an issue. But for most it would probably have been mentioned in passing at the time. So, had he good reason to not tell you (jealousy issues on your part?) or have you good reason to be devastated (previous behaviour on his part?)

JustAThought

Some people are more into the past and chatting about old times than others. I don’t do it so much but I have friends who enjoy nothing more than laughing over old stories and re-telling crazy things they did or others did and spending the evening ‘do you remembering’.

I was thinking recently thou that it’s hard when you have had a long term relationship and after 4 or 5 years break up and walk away and you kind of lose all those happy times and memories and things you may have done together - holidays, car breakdowns in storms, people you hated from a job or contract you shred, great meals or restaurants you visited - or terrible ones. There’s noone that you can ever talk to about all that stuff and ifs as of its irrelevant or part of the ending trauma or has never been lived or experienced. PRt of me would love after 10 years a catchup with someone I hd loved and it hdn’t worked out to laugh with and relive some of the shred goodtimes together or see what happened the end of their story and if they ever got to - drive that F1 car or parachute jump for charity again or how their broken leg mended or if they got their PHD etc.

I’d say maybe it just happened the way some things do, or maybe your spouse knows it might unsettle you even if there was nothing in it, or maybe they wanted to re-live without someone watching on the sidelines sticking their hand up and asking questions. Or being jealous. Or wanting to know everything and be part of that past world.

Personally I’d let it go. Your OH loves you and married you - they didn’t hatch out of an egg the day you met & there will always be events and corners you didn’t experience with them and don’t get to relive or experience with them. They love you. Meeting someone from past times dosn’t stop that love or stop your relationship - its just that - a meeting with lunch and maybe a few final doors closed and boxes of forgiveness ticked and apologies given or made. Don’t let your insecurities ruin what you have. Your OH will still have had past loves and lives - it dosn’t mean they love you less or want to go back.

Guestsomehwere

Guestsomehwere wrote: »

I found out few months later, and honestly feel devastated,

Because your partner had a cup of tea with an ex a few months ago?

Not miffed, not annoyed but "devastated"?

Jesus, what would you do if something actually big happened in your marriage? You are married ten years, trust your husband!

My wife lives abroad, she doesn't tell me about every social interaction she has in her life and vice versa. If she made an issue if telling me in advance, then I would be suspicious.

Tork

Something tells me there is something you've omitted from this, OP.

Panthro

OP if I were you I'd be a bit miffed, perhaps even irked but I think devastated could be a bit of stretch, with the greatest of respects.
But that's neither here nor there.
To be blunt, I'd hazard the guess he didn't tell you was because he knew it would (a) upset you and possibly lead to a row (b) a shyte load of questions going into minute detail on the meetup, and he simply couldn't be arsed going through that.
You know him better than anyone on the Internet at the end of the day. You've two choices, sit him down and say you'd like to talk about why them meeting upset you, or let it go.

JustAThought

Panthro wrote: »

OP if I were you I'd be a bit miffed, perhaps even irked but I think devastated could be a bit of stretch, with the greatest of respects.
But that's neither here nor there.
To be blunt, I'd hazard the guess he didn't tell you was because he knew it would (a) upset you and possibly lead to a row (b) a shyte load of questions going into minute detail on the meetup, and he simply couldn't be arsed going through that.
You know him better than anyone on the Internet at the end of the day. You've two choices, sit him down and say you'd like to talk about why them meeting upset you, or let it go.

And its not even a sit down matter - don’t make a cathedral out of a candle - just blow it off. Don’t make him resent you know or regret you knowing - it won’t bode well.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies everyone, I appreciate everyone's insight into my situation. It came at a time when pandemic started, I was overwhelmed with a lot of things in my life. Do you really casually go out to see your ex when you did not see them for more than a decade.

LegacyUser

Guestsomehwere wrote: »

How would you feel if you are married for nearly a decade and out of nowhere you find out that your spouse saw an ex o behind your back? We went for a visit to our hometown and my husband saw his ex girlfriend who he bumped into and they started chatting on fb for a casual meetup over a cuppa and did not tell me about. I found out few months later, and honestly feel devasted, he thinks I am overreacting as they didnt have sex or kissed each other etc, it was kind of chatting up with an old friend. I just cant get over it. Please help

I think you are definitely over-reacting. He came clean about it. He didn't deny it happened. It was just two friends meeting and catching up with each other. Don’t worry about it.
Question: If it was someone other than an ex he met, would you feel the same about that?
I think you’re worrying about nothing.

osarusan

Is being 'devestated' overreacting? Yes, in my opinion.

But I can understand being unhappy with your husband meeting with an ex-partner without telling you.

Some people cut exes out of their lives utterly, whereas others maintain some kind of relationship with them, and there's nothing wrong with either way. But I think it's reasonable to expect that the person you are married to would at least mention that they are meeting an ex-partner.

Pawwed Rig

As far as exes are concerned you need to tread carefully in a new relationship. Personally I cut all exes out of my life as there imo there is nothing to be gained by keeping them around. That said if I was out and about and met one I would stop and chat and possibly have a catch up coffee there and then. It is something I would tell my wife though and would be reluctant to make any further contact without good reason.
I definitely wouldn't do it behind her back.

YellowLead

It not like he sought her out specifically - they randomly bumped into each other. I don’t think it’s strange they decided to have tea together - it just a cup of tea presumably in a cafe in daytime, not like they met for a candlelit dinner or in a hotel room.

I do think it’s odd he didn’t mention it however. Which could be for one of 3 reasons I think:
A - you’ve drifted and are not that close and don’t usually share details about each other’s days anymore
B - he felt guilty as he still carried some feelings for the ex which was reignited
C - it was 100% innocent but he knows you well enough to know it would create suspicion and paranoia which he didn’t want to put you through or deal with.

I think C is the most likely explanation followed by A with B being unlikely.

If I was you I wouldn’t care about the meet-up, I’d just be miffed he didn’t tell me.

Did you ask him why he kept it from you by any chance? Did you find out because he eventually told you?

ShaShaBear

Just to play Devil's Advocate here, if my husband went for tea with any one of his exs behind my back, I would also be devastated. Two exs in particular carry a torch for him, one actually made sincere (but rebuked) efforts to win him over while I was pregnant with our first child. Some of his exs he actually cheated on with other exs, aka went back to them behind their backs. All while he was quite young and I'm fully aware of all the details.
He goes wherever he likes, whenever he likes with whoever he likes and all I have ever asked him is to please shoot me a text when he arrives and when he's leaving if its a longer distance away in a car so I'm not worried about him. I've never questioned him and never felt the need to. But if I found out in a few months (obviously we're talking hypothetical and not covid times) that he had gone to visit an ex and deliberately didn't tell me, I'd be extremely hurt. Likewise, I would never dream of meeting any of my exs behind his back (or at all really, because I have nothing to gain from a cup of tea with someone who has no current input into my life and never will again).

To be honest OP, regardless of your feelings I do not think it is the norm for people to go have tea/coffee and a catch-up with their exs once in a long-term relationship, and definitely not in secret!

Tork

OP, as you can see, everybody who has posted has a different take on this. Are the varying opinions really helping you though? Even if 100% of the people here said you're right and he's wrong and you went to him with this information, it isn't going to solve this problem. Because we have such little information to go on and we know nothing about you or your husband, we're all stumbling around in the dark. We don't know what sort of people you or your husband are, the backstory to his old relationship and how you got together. We don't know how happy your marriage is in general and how the pair of you deal with any issues that crop up. Do you have other reasons not to trust your husband? I can understand why you were annoyed at the time but this happened months ago now. You don't trust him, do you?

At this stage, this isn't about who's right or wrong. It's about the two of you working out how to move forward from this before it does lasting damage to your marriage. This happened many months ago and it is eating you up - I bet you feel no better now than you did on the day that you found out. You and your husband need to have a proper conversation about this, with him doing more than just dismissing you as over-reacting.

leggo

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Some of his exs he actually cheated on with other exs, aka went back to them behind their backs. All while he was quite young and I'm fully aware of all the details.

I hear what you’re saying and you raise a fair point, but this right here is the key point and a possible differential with the OP’s situation. The OP’s issue comes down to “Are my feelings rational or not?” If her situation was identical to yours, then yes they would be because your husband has form for cheating with exes, so meeting up with them and not telling you is a valid cause for concern.

That’s not to say he isn’t to be trusted or to call him into question, mind, that was all probably years ago and in a different life. But if the OP included that tidbit, or if you asked the same question, it’d be an entirely different story.

Jinglejangle69

The fact you found out months later tells me everything.

If he told you when it happened it would look much better.

jmlad2020

Is the ex good looking? Is she recently Single? Sounds a bit dodgy. Why keep it a secret? There is something he is probably not telling you. If he messaged first he may have been thinking about her, their old times and may be keeping options open.

Or your husband is a genuine bloke who only wanted to meet for a chat with a friend.

But I wouldn't overact or blow up in his face. Bad move. Obviously you need to get more answers..

ShaShaBear

leggo wrote: »

I hear what you’re saying and you raise a fair point, but this right here is the key point and a possible differential with the OP’s situation. The OP’s issue comes down to “Are my feelings rational or not?” If her situation was identical to yours, then yes they would be because your husband has form for cheating with exes, so meeting up with them and not telling you is a valid cause for concern.

That’s not to say he isn’t to be trusted or to call him into question, mind, that was all probably years ago and in a different life. But if the OP included that tidbit, or if you asked the same question, it’d be an entirely different story.

To clarify, definitely another life almost 2 decades ago and I'm not one bit worried. But even if he hadn't, I'd be worried about him meeting them and not telling me. I guess as others have said its very much a personal thing and only the OP really knows if and why there is actual cause for concern. I more meant to chime in and say id feel the same in their shoes. My husband has met women he works with and women he is good friends with and that has literally never bothered me. I think the line gets crossed when it's someone you were once sexually attracted to and possibly deeply in love with at some point.

LegacyUser

Am glad someone asked if this 'ex' is recently single due to her divorce which my other half mentioned when I asked. I did not mention this in the first post. It would make an enormouse post if I were to write so many details as I struggling with this personal issue. And yes this ex was the one who contacted him on FB and suggested to go out and he accepted gladly.

Tork

OP, can you clarify what it is you want from this thread?

qwerty13

Rightly or wrongly, I’m getting feeling that you are drip-feeding information on this thread.

Are you just hoping that people will tell you that you are 100% right, and your other half is 100% wrong? No one on this thread knows enough to say that.

Just a feeling on my part, which I may be wrong about, but your use of such dramatic language makes me wonder if your ex did something entirely innocent, and didn’t tell you because he knew you’d over-blow it. Do you think that could be true? Do you have a history of jealousy or drama?

Obviously the situation is very hard to gauge for strangers. But you’re using very strong language about a coffee. Do you think your devastation is genuinely warranted? Or was there an overlap in relationships that might be leading to you feeling paranoid?

leggo

Tork wrote: »

OP, can you clarify what it is you want from this thread?

Yeah, this. OP you’re doing the thing now where you’re coming back with ‘important’ info you’ve omitted previously to back up what seems like a conclusion you’ve already made. If that’s the case and you’ve made your mind up here, that’s fine, but I’d recommend you have this chat with a friend/family member - someone in your camp - instead. They’ll back you up and tell you what you want to hear.

Posting here is more helpful to you if you want an unbiased opinion not tainted by knowing either you or your husband to give you some perspective to make up your mind. But if you’ve already made it up, then the risk posting here is that this thread just aggravates either you or the people advising you who are putting in time trying to actually help when the person just wants to be told they’re right.

I know it’s a pet peeve for me and probably for a few other regulars here when someone makes a post like “Would you be upset if someone your partner worked with texted them ‘Are you going to be in work today?’ and your partner texted them back a thumbs up?”, everyone says no, then they come back afterwards like “What if he’s cheated on you with this person, your sister, your best friend and your ma in the last week alone?” as if it’s an argument they’re trying to win by withholding key info to trump any skeptics.

Hannibal_Smith

it was kind of chatting up with an old friend

This is his explanation of the meeting for coffee. I presume you mean catching up? He should have told you about it. But if he did, would you have freaked out because she's recently divorced?

You can't move on because your stuck seeing the parts that are annoying you about it and you're putting your own conclusion on it. Look at the bigger picture and see is there a rational reason for him not telling you. Then ask yourself why his explanation isn't sitting right with you and try and explain your side to him.

As I say, I think not telling you was probably his only mistake. Unless he did tell you in the end. How did you find out they met up?

At the end of the day, only you can decide if this is something you can get passed. You're torturing yourself in the meantime over two people meeting for coffee.

I'd have to disagree completely with most of the replies here, I'd definitely have a problem with what happened and I'd be fairly certain that most if not all my friends would feel the exact same as me.

I think that if anyone's spouse or partner met up for coffee with an ex and didn't say it then there's a bit more too it. The fact that the ex is recently single is also very significant imo.

Why haven't they met up over the years if it's just a friendly chat, why did she suddenly get back in touch, why didn't he mention it to his wife? Are people serious when they say that they wouldn't have a major problem if their OH did this even if they told them about it?
I know there would be trouble if any man or woman I know did that , are people here saying that they'd have no issue with their partner meeting up with a significant ex , I'm genuinely surprised at that.

OP , I completely understand why you're upset about it and I would have some doubts about her getting in contact etc. I hope you have a friend you can chat to about it as I'd guess you hubby will try and make you out to be the one in the wrong here, seemingly it's something other people would have no issue with going by the other replies.

Big Bag of Chips

I think OP, it's the fact you said you were back in your hometown and he bumped into her. There are a number of 'exes' of mine that I could imagine bumping into, going for a cup of tea with and sending a few chit chat messages to.

For context, I'm with my husband over 20 years. And these are people I'd consider friends. People I grew up with, went to school with and briefly 'shifted' or went out with for a few months as teenagers etc. I'd see them more as childhood friends than exes. Some of them I may not have seen for about 20 years, but we'd still be able to sit and chat and reminisce.

Without context, as posters have highlighted, it is impossible to say whether there was anything untoward or dishonest about your husband bumping into an ex and meeting her for tea. And again, without context it is impossible to say whether you are overreacting to two old friends bumping into each other or whether your husband was completely out of order in how he handled this.

If I met with an old friend/ex. I would almost certainly mention it to my husband. But then again, I wouldn't expect my husband to have any problem with it. If I felt he was going to get unnecessarily worked up about it then I might decide not to mention it.

Without knowing more than the few lines you posted it is impossible to definitively advise. People saying they cut off all contact with all exes is well and good. But if the 'ex' is someone you were friends with through your teens and had a brief 'thing' with at 16/17 then I would think it over the top to cut them out of your life because they're technically an ex. I have plenty of male friends that I shifted for a few weeks during my teens. We've all moved on, married, had children and are still friends. I'd think it very sad if we had to stop talking to each other because of some perceived etiquette about cutting exes out of our lives out of respect to our current partners.

Princess Calla

OP I think the crux of the issue is do you trust him, has he given you reason not to trust him?

The fact she's newly divorced doesn't really mean she's newly single as it takes time to get divorced in Ireland, but either way if you trust your husband her relationship status is irrelevant.

There are so many different variables and unknowns for anyone to give absolute advice.

Though for this to be bothering you so far down the line is not healthy, I think that's the bigger issue not "is it ok to have coffee with an ex"

As you can see here many people will say yeah no problem it's grand as they will see coffee as literally that a coffee and a catch up.

Then you will have others who will see coffee as a gateway to something more.

Absolutely none of us know what option that is for your husband.

I can understand you feeling devastated if you think your husband falls into option b , but if you feel he falls into option b you really need to sit down and do a proper "health check" of your relationship with a frank and honest talk. Living your life devastated over a cup of coffee is really not a good option.

Homelander

I can see why someone might feel a bit annoyed, but seriously to be "devastated" and unable to get over it sounds like you've just found out that he's been having an affair, not gone for a cup of tea after bumping into someone unplanned.

Unless you know a lot more then you are saying or there's some history behind this, it is a complete and irrational over-reaction. You said yourself they chatted on FB and arranged to meet for a coffee after bumping into one another in their hometown?

I have exe's I haven't spoken to in 10 years and I've no intention of either, but if I bumped into them at home and they asked to go for a coffee I would probably say yes. It sounds kinda harmless.

You've given barely any information but what you have given, doesn't make it any kind of a big deal.

Zebrag

Hi OP

To be quiet honest, from my POV I wouldn't be overally impressed. That being said I'm with my partner since 13 so I would be more inclined to wounder who this random other woman was considering we grew up together, same friends etc.

But putting myself in your shoes, I would genuinely be curious at this and wounder why he didn't tell you at first. Would you be prone to jump quickly if he mentioned female friends? I don't care for female friends, sure I've male friends and if either myself and partner where meeting the opposite sex for a coffee and didn't tell each other, questions would be well and truly raised. Had we told each other prior and I don't mean ask for permission, it wouldn't phase us. Trust would play a major part.

Do you trust him now since this? Was there trust before? I would presume him not telling you would have reasons rather than the simple "I forgot" or "she's just an old friend". Yes an old friend that a spouse would normally say "Ah I bumped into XYZ the other day and said we'll meet for a coffee for a catch up, it's been so long". That's how simple that conversation could have gone. I'm sure your reaction and feeling would have been completely different now.

Do I want to say you're over reacting? No but I do want to say you've a right to question something that is niggling at you. Could it be genuinely someone he met up with and was just having a coffee for a catch up and didn't see any malice? Yeah sure but he still should of at least communicated with you in that sense and gave you the right to know. If the shoes were reversed and you bumped into an ex and didn't tell him? It would be the same concept.

I'm not saying he needed your permission but I'm saying a simple communication to his whereabouts lessens you the chances of thinking of things that might not actually be true and is as simple as meeting an old friend. The same as a previous poster has said, you're not looking for his permission to his whereabouts but informing you to keep you updated on his out and about activities is usually a way to communicate between a couple.

It could be a case of, slip of the mind and with lockdown and people not being able to see many different faces depending on circumstances, he could have been excited just to see and do something else. That's not against you but you've a right to feel how you feel and I think you should express this. He also has a right to know how you feel and he could potentially be embarrassed for not telling you.

Good luck OP

Tork

Guestsomehwere wrote: »

Am glad someone asked if this 'ex' is recently single due to her divorce which my other half mentioned when I asked. I did not mention this in the first post. It would make an enormous post if I were to write so many details as I'm struggling with this personal issue. And yes this ex was the one who contacted him on FB and suggested to go out and he accepted gladly.

This bolded bit implies that there is quite a back story to this. The alternative is that this cuppa has blown up to become a monster in your mind. Which is it? If the answer is the former, expecting people to help you based on a few vague posts is a bit much. Something tells me that whatever is going on in the background is beyond the ken anybody here.

Zebrag

Tork wrote: »

This bolded bit implies that there is quite a back story to this. The alternative is that this cuppa has blown up to become a monster in your mind. Which is it? If the answer is the former, expecting people to help you based on a few vague posts is a bit much. Something tells me that whatever is going on in the background is beyond the ken anybody here.

I also took up from the OPs reply there that there's definitely more to it than husband meeting the ex for a coffee. Whether there was problems before, or brewing or there's other issues along side the coffee meet up but from the first post they've started, we can only give advice from the issues stated first. Had OP given more details, which they had a right to not go into further details, they are getting wrong advice from myself and other posters of that wasn't their direct issue.

I still hold onto what I said in my post but if OP claims there's actually more going on behind what they originally stated then the advice given previously seems useless and OP needs to clarify exactly what's going on in order to gain any helpful advice in the future. Again, OP has a right to withhold any further details if they which but previous posters post deem useless at this point tbh

Jequ0n

Thanks OP, l love the ominous cliff-hanger like hint that there is much more going on, it’s almost like watching a trailer for a dark and mysterious drama centred around a cup of tea.

Now on a serious note: what advice are you expecting from people if you only write down parts of your issue? Or was the comment just thrown in because you didn’t like the responses you were getting!
In my eyes it didn’t change a thing, I still think you come across as dramatic over nothing....

Big Bag of Chips

Guestsomehwere wrote: »

Am glad someone asked if this 'ex' is recently single due to her divorce which my other half mentioned when I asked.

Why did you put ex in quotes. Is she not really an ex? Is she someone he shifted at a disco 20 years ago? If she wasn't newly divorced, was still married, would you be bothered that he bumped into her and they arranged to have a catch up? In your first post you say they bumped into each other. You're now trying to imply that she contacted him on Facebook out of nowhere following a recent divorce.

Reading between the (very few) lines I think this is someone you have a history with. She's someone from your hometown who was with your husband before you were and you have a problem with that.

You asked a question in your opening post. Many people said your reaction was OTT unless there was form on your husband's part for cheating on you. You haven't clarified if there is history there just vaguely mentioned other issues.

I think you're overreacting. You clearly don't think you're overreacting, due to all these other issues. So where does that leave you?

forestgirl

Have you always felt that your husband has carried a torch for this particular ex? and now you find they have met up for coffee and a chat behind your back and this confirms your suspicion?. I think its important to listen to your gut.I think its an important factor to tell us how you found out about the meet up and if they are still in contact.I think its important people do not dismiss your feelings as jealousy,he is your husband after all and its normal you would need to find out if there are any feelings on his side,We do need more of a background picture though to give good advice

JJayoo

Guestsomehwere wrote: »

Thanks for your replies everyone, I appreciate everyone's insight into my situation. It came at a time when pandemic started, I was overwhelmed with a lot of things in my life. Do you really casually go out to see your ex when you did not see them for more than a decade.

If he hadn't seen her for a decade then she is essentially a stranger.