Looking for opinions

TumblyPanda

Hi all

I'm a regular user of boards for years and years m, but sometimes close my account and start a new one, and while I'd rather go anon for this one, I'm not living in Ireland, and cant post anonymously- well - probably there are ways, bit energy is low at the moment!

So, my problem - I'm 35, I'm in a fairly decently paid job, and about €30k in savings. I don't own a home or have other assets.

I write this, and in thinking - that sounds like a good place to be in and everybody will wonder what I'm complaining about.

Problem is, I am not in the best place at the moment - and I'm crap at asking for help.

Where I work, is difficult with a good bit of pressure, but also the common language is different, and I've been here two years and, not to sugar-coat it, I really haven't made enough effort with the language. I am doing it, but not as well as I should. But I am pretty good at my job - I think.

Anyway, there have been ups and downs, but recently I've been thrown into a project in mid stage, and my task is to figure out how to automate a lot of stuff across different areas. I wanted this project, but, as I can't be involved with the client due to language, and as I have not been in the setup stuff, I'm finding it difficult to bang out a plan.

I'm not a quitter- never have been- but I am stressed out right now. I am sleeping with socks on my hands as otherwise I seem to dig my nails into my forehead during sleep, and there's only so much that foundation can hide.

I'm not the greatest for eating right now - and that's a thing as energy isn't going to be high without fuel.

So - why I put this at the end instead of fixing my post, nobody knows- but the reason why I even stay in this country is because of my boyfriend. We are very compatible (I mean that in a good way - we just get on). Sooner rather than later, we may marry and maybe babies, but that is a time thing, and I'm not even sure if I want babies, but it seems like something fulfilling.

Have to get some business strategy document out tomorrow, and this is really, technically, stressful, but I actually don't care right now.

Ahhhhhhh - I don't know what to do. Work once was the most important thing to me as I dragged myself upwards.

What- in a weird summary would be - I don't care. But I care about not caring. I would have put in crazy hours before in work to ensure thngs got done. But, now, I should prepare but there is no motivation whatsoever. But then tomorrow will be a disaster.

And nobody on the tomorrow meeting has any experience in working with me when I was good.

Airyfairy12

Im a bit confused about what it is about your job thats causing you stress? The language thing is no doubt a barrier but going by your post it sounds like your place of work is quite accommodating in regards to this. Lots of people arent great at languages and since youve only been there 2 years, I dont think anyone would expect you to be fluent.

The project stress issue could be easily fixed if you just go to your manager or who ever gave you the project in the first place and tell them you want to do the project justice but finding it a little difficult for the reasons you mentioned in your post. Youre not coming across incapable by doing so.

Secondly, it sounds like to me that youre not fully settled or planning to settle in the country youre living in. Not making effort with the language and stating that youre there because of your boyfriend both lead me to think that in your heart you dont see yourself there in 5 or 10 years time. Could this also play apart in your lack of enthusiasm for your job?

TumblyPanda

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

<Snip> Please do not quote the entire post. It is unnecessary.

The re. the job and the language is that there is an expectation that I keep up with things, but often from calls in a another language. It takes a bit more time to figure out what's going on. And I like knowing what's going on.

Unfortunately the project managers, of which I am one in another project, are under pressure from partners. The end line is "I am happy when I hear you say yes". I have a background in some topics- legal stuff - and we are a bit company but tendering beyond our capacity - and I'm getting drafted.

Yes, this isn't my country to stay in forever, i think, but, to be honest, I'm sick of moving. Sick of establishing myself. I want a house, a marriage, definitely some dogs, possibly kids. And this isn't even my thing, but I want a life like that. Although children are the biggest responsibilities ever. And who knows if kids would come among at my age.

Ah - in fairness, it's kind of a mid life crisis, where you evaluate work against family.

TumblyPanda

Think my biggest problem is questioning everything. I like knowing what to do, and I don't. And it's been going on for too long now, and I'm getting worse at the things I should be able to do. The genuine feeling is that I'm just wrong. But then I have to manage stuff and be all competent.

I think I wanted somebody to tell me to quit my job on this - or get a huge consensus that this is the right thing to do, as this is not something ice done before, but I really really do not trust my decisions. I would take somebody else's opinion over mine when it comes to me. And that is a problem.

Airyfairy12

It sounds like you want security, regardless of the marriage/kids/house, it really just sounds like you want to ground yourself somewhere but I also get a sense of 'anywhere will do' attitude even though you know that anywhere wont do, if you stick it out there because youre sick of moving I dont get a feeling from you that you'll ever truly settle, you'll always be pining for somewhere else, in my opinion that doesnt sound like a good foundation to build your life on. Once the house is bought & you have pets and potentially kids, it becomes harder & harder to change your environment.

As for the job, I understand its important to you and you dont want to let anyone down but when all is said and done, its just a job and you job you dont enjoy at that. Is it worth having to wear socks on your hands to bed to stop yourself clawing at your own face due to stress? Why do you need someone here to tell you to quit? You know in your heart its what you have to do, for your own sanity.

I understand that time isnt on your side in regards to having kids and it sounds like its something you want to happen.

If it was me in your shoes, I would quit the job, move home to start a family and take another job thats not paid as well but doesnt cause me to want to scratch my eyes out. But.. im not in your shoes and you need to think of whats best for you and your partner.

Faith

TumblyPanda wrote: »

Yes, this isn't my country to stay in forever, i think, but, to be honest, I'm sick of moving. Sick of establishing myself. I want a house, a marriage, definitely some dogs, possibly kids. And this isn't even my thing, but I want a life like that. Although children are the biggest responsibilities ever. And who knows if kids would come among at my age.

I moved around a lot too. I loved some of the places I lived, tolerated others and hated a couple. I'm different in that I had a relationship for most of it and don't want kids, but I always struggled with feeling 'unsettled' and not having roots. I never could buy property, either because it was too expensive or I was on a temporary visa, and I could never get pets as landlords wouldn't allow it.

I moved back to Ireland late last year. I NEVER thought I'd want to, but eventually it became a mutual decision for my husband and I. Making that decision was one of the best of my life, tbh. In the past few months, I feel more settled than I can recall feeling before, as it's all because I don't plan on leaving again.

I'd strongly recommend figuring out what you want from your life in a top-down manner. Firstly, where do you want to spend the next sizable chunk of your life? Only once you've figured that out will you be able to move forward in a meaningful way.

If you're the poster I think you are, then you're quite open to thinking psychologically. I'd recommend watching a video on Youtube called The Choice Point: A Map for a Meaningful Life by Russ Harris, and maybe also check out his book The Happiness Trap.

YellowLead

OP your thoughts on kids seem a little contradictory. You say they are not your thing, but you feel it’s the life you want to have.

‘I want a house, a marriage, definitely some dogs, possibly kids. And this isn't even my thing, but I want a life like that’

If you do want marriage and kids and your partner wants the same then you need to have the discussion with him about where is best for both of you to settle and start the next phase of your life and his wants and needs will need to be in line with yours.

But do only have children if you really want to and not just because you feel it’s the life you should be leading...that probably not what you mean but several of your comments came across that way.

It’s totally normal to have these anxious what am I doing with my life type of feelings by the way at this kind of age, and it’s not easy. Best of Luck!

bitofabind

Hey OP. Similar age, similar situation. Had a major procrastination problem in a high stress highly paid job that really consumed my life. As you probably know, the procrastination makes the stress even worse, hence the physical symptoms you’re having. I’ve spent most of Covid and some time before it doing talk therapy, figuring things out and it boiled down to this: I didn’t like my job. It didn’t sit with my values. I didn’t like the job, the people or the place I was living and because of that, felt no security or ability to put roots down in it.

Sounds mad, but the procrastination problem became less of a thing once I realised, hey, my brain is just on protest coz I hate all of this sh1t and don’t even know why I’m doing it. I’m in the process of upturning my life, moving back to Ireland, quitting the job and starting afresh and that in itself has given me more motivation at work because I know it’s a means to an end. A salary to add to my savings while I make all these big moves. It’s not “misery without an end” as it felt it was before.

So my advice is, spend some time thinking about what you really want. You’ve got a head start here: some savings and a supportive partner. I’m in the same position and while it’s scary to face the unknown, it’s a lot scarier to stagnate in an environment that damages my mental health. You don’t have to make any big moves now, or ever. But what will help here is to identify what it is you want and put yourself back in the drivers seat. Even if the decision is to stay in the job and in your current location, having bigger plans around your personal life I.E I want to start trying for kids in 2022, or I want to buy a house later this year etc, gives meaning to what you’re doing now that you don’t seem to have right now. You wake up knowing the WHY of doing a job that doesn’t set your world on fire or studying a language that you find difficult.

TLDR: find your WHY.

Tork

TumblyPanda wrote: »

Yes, this isn't my country to stay in forever, i think, but, to be honest, I'm sick of moving. Sick of establishing myself. I want a house, a marriage, definitely some dogs, possibly kids. And this isn't even my thing, but I want a life like that. Although children are the biggest responsibilities ever. And who knows if kids would come among at my age.

If where you are isn't the country you want to settle in forever, be very very careful before you go down the road of marriage and kids. I know couples who have split up because neither one could settle permanently in the other's country. In one of these cases, it was a divorce involving kids. Really messy, heartbreaking stuff. Maybe I'm picking it up wrong but I'm getting "He's grand, he'll do" vibes from your description of your boyfriend. You give me the impression that you're drifting along somewhat aimlessly and acquired Mr Compatible/We Get On along the way. It's telling that 2 years in you haven't got to grips with the language and are only where you are because of this guy. Have you and he spoken about where you'd like to settle permanently? Would he be open to moving to Ireland if that is what you've always had in the back of your mind?

TumblyPanda

Hi all

Thank you very much for your posts. A lot were spot on, and I really appreciated reading that some of you were in a similar situation. Some of your points have really resonated.

I wrote a few paragraphs there, but I seem to answer myself as I write them - or argue against myself anyway. The thing is to do something about it.