Partner annoyed about me asking to cook separate meals

kitkat275

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

heebusjeebus

I don't think she is being unreasonable.
Why can't you cook for your wife when you are cooking your own dinner? You say yourself you have time to do it.
Why do you think the house chores need to be equatable?

2 fast

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

She is stressed in a stressful time, it wouldn't be asking much for you to cook her dinner when you're doing your own.

There will always be times when one has to pull more weight than the other.

Seems quite selfish of you here, you actively say you have more free time.

It's not like it will be forever

NewMan1982

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

You sound very selfish.

flazio

Being frontline is tough right now, really tough. You're right in saying she might overreact on little things but don't call her out on it. For now, be as supportive as you can. Ask her about her day, let her vent without offering any opinions or suggestions, once she has all her work stresses off her chest, she might, and I stress might, be open to discuss a workable home routine.

The chan chan man

Can you honestly say you’re going to sit there while she comes in after frontline healthcare work during a global pandemic and watch her make her own dinner which you could have very easily done while making your own?

It would be nice to help her out.

Bigdig69

She is not overreacting, you are being selfish, lazy and unsupportive of your partner.

Cook the dinner, clean up you clearly have plenty of time.

mirrorwall14

To be honest this doesn’t sound like a nice approach. Why does it need to be 50:50 if you have more free time and you have the flexibility? Usually households work mostly around each other and try to cover each other.

And then you propose that she’d have to cook every single day for herself? That’s not a solution

Gruffalux

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

Arrra come on! She is knackered and stressed. You have time and energy she does not have. Will ya help her out for goodness sake. No wonder she is pissed off.

El Gato De Negocios

Why not float the idea of having yourself cook when they are in work and they do it when on off days? When cooking, make something you will get two days out of like a chicken curry, stew, lasagne etc. Re washing up, not sure what the problem is here, there are two of you, couple of plates, couple of knives and forks, couple of pots, not exactly heavy duty washing up is it? You have it handy enough work wise compared to them, I assume pre covid there was a more equal split? Covid won't be here forever so no reason to think it won't go back to the status quo once things settle down.

Oink

I don’t have a full picture obviously, but judging only from your post, it comes across as petty, selfish, and immature.

You clearly feel your exhausted health worker wife is being lazy and is taking advantage of you.

I can relate. I feel the exact same as you sometimes. So I moan and bitch when I’m alone. Then I finally admit to myself* that I’m being an ass and I get on with it.



* begrudgingly and through clenched teeth

Dave0301

Jaysus, if you are going to be cooking anyway...just stick on another bit of chicken and some extra spuds/veg.

In terms of picking your battles in a relationship, this is not one that you want to get involved in.

Pawwed Rig

Cooking for 2 does not really take much longer than cooking for 1 does it? Does peeling 2 extra potatoes take more than a minute?

Washing up? Getta dishwasher.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

I think you’ve gotten your answer now OP. Cook the lady a dinner.

Car99

kitkat275 wrote: »

She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

Would you like to share your life with someone who doesnt want to put on a bit of extra food to give a partner a meal ?

Qwertyminger

I feel so grateful that my OH is not like the OP.

Selfish, mean, unkind, unloving are adjectives that spring to mind. If my partner said that to me I would probably lay into them. She clearly doesn't have the energy to waste on you.

Be better.

ahnowbrowncow

It's a tricky one OP. I know some frontline workers and they said they're actually quite quiet compared to before the pandemic. But they said they like to pretend they're flat out at work because their partner will have to cook more dinners for them.

Mr infomaniac

Hey op you think you have it tough.
Since lockdown im working night shifts and my gf works in the day. We have 3 kids.
I have to cook all meals do all dishes entertain kids all day after workin all night. By the time the gf is home and had her dinner i get to bed 6pm nd im back up at 11 nd off to work again. Im not complaining. Think you should man up make ur partner dinner and while ur at it get up in morn before her and cook her a brekfast.

chiefwiggum

This has to be a piss take..I have never heard anything so self centred.. you're in a relationship with this lady and your acting like a child

LilacNails

Ah for fecksake op, she needs an extra bit of help and support. I don't blame her for being peed off. You have more time and at home, pull out the finger. Batch cook and freeze. There done.

cannotlogin

Wow just wow...all you have to do is double what you are already cooking.

We are in the midst of a global pandemic & many of us are lucky enough that we can work from home & have no idea how difficult it is for our health care workers.

Right now, I would cook any HCW a meal & would think it's the least I could do for them. This person is your partner and you can't add more meat & veg to the pot, could you be any more self centred?

JasonStatham

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

Man, step up and cook for her... she's not doing an easy job in current times.

When it goes back to normal you can have your previous arrangement

listermint

I'd put money on it the shopping is split down to the last cent per the OPs request...

YellowLead

OP this is genuinely worrying for the state of your relationship. Do you love this woman at all or are you together for the sake of it?

You are being incredibly petty. Given you have extra time you should WANT to do this for your partner, it should make you happy to think you can do this one little thing to make her life easier. You said everything else housework wise is split down the middle so it’s not like she is taking the piss.

Akrasia

I think the OP has gotten a very clear message.

The only remaining question is how to apologize to her for being such a dick

The next time she comes home from work, her favorite meal, freshly prepared with a bouquet of flowers and a few candles, afterwards you do all of the washing up while you watch her favorite movie and later on, if she lets you, be the most generous lover you can be, because if I was her I would be having serious doubts about whether I wanted to be spending my life with someone who kept a ledger about who’s turn it was to do the housework

leggo

I think you’re getting roasted a bit harshly tbh OP. I don’t agree with you but the issue seems to be feeling taken advantage of/neglected rather than sheer laziness because, as people have pointed out, it’s not that much more work to cook for two than one.

And plus one thing I’ve noticed since the pandemic started (though it goes unspoken) is that a lot of frontline staff almost have the expectation that things should be done for them when ultimately this is the career they chose to do and that’s what the money they’re paid is for. Like your partner’s reaction isn’t great here either, to be openly pissed off and acting like you *should* be handing them up a dinner every night (I’d be mortified personally if a partner pointed out I wasn’t doing things 50-50): people can roast you but if a partner had the attitude that I exist to feed them, I may feel the same as you. So maybe there’s a little of that entitlement creeping in for you that’s led to this and maybe those judging you harshly would feel different in your shoes.

Having said that, if you love this partner I’d just suck this one up and, like someone said, pick your battles. You’ve noted it now so if, down the line, they’re really taking the piss then there’s this precedent to point to.

Qwertyminger

leggo wrote: »

I think you’re getting roasted a bit harshly tbh OP. I don’t agree with you but the issue seems to be feeling taken advantage of/neglected rather than sheer laziness because, as people have pointed out, it’s not that much more work to cook for two than one.

And plus one thing I’ve noticed since the pandemic started (though it goes unspoken) is that a lot of frontline staff almost have the expectation that things should be done for them when ultimately this is the career they chose to do and that’s what the money they’re paid is for. Like your partner’s reaction isn’t great here either, to be openly pissed off and acting like you *should* be handing them up a dinner every night (I’d be mortified personally if a partner pointed out I wasn’t doing things 50-50): people can roast you but if a partner had the attitude that I exist to feed them, I may feel the same as you. So maybe there’s a little of that entitlement creeping in for you that’s led to this and maybe those judging you harshly would feel different in your shoes.

Having said that, if you love this partner I’d just suck this one up and, like someone said, pick your battles. You’ve noted it now so if, down the line, they’re really taking the piss then there’s this precedent to point to.

She chose a crap career and now, it turns out, a lousy spouse. She's clearly useless and can't do anything right. Lazy bad taste person.

Phew

Vangoghslow

Is it expected of stay at home parents to have the dinner ready and washing done everyday for their partner as they have a bit more free time?

Isn't everyone tired after work?

I don't expect my at home job's to be done for me just because the other person in the relationship has more free time.

Cooking separate dinners is a silly suggestion.

Hannibal_Smith

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HS

ILoveYourVibes

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
Is she overreacting?

Im surprised you have to ask. But no she isn't.

Her expectations of you are just ordinary ..quite basic .......nothing extra.

You cook and she can wash up. Soak the pots after cooking and it's a breeze.

Cooking is the bigger job. Dishes for 2 people can be done in minutes if soaked right after cooking.

Caranica

Partners are supposed to be there for each other. If she's working longer hours/away from home for work for longer, then the loving thing would not be to demand she cooks her own dinner, but to cook enough for her with your meal.

It doesn't have to be a permanent thing but at least while you're working from home it would be the decent thing. If you feel otherwise then I think she'd be better off without you.

Qwertyminger

My constructive advice to the OP is if you want to be in a relationship don't be horrible.

PmMeUrDogs

You openly admit to having more free time, surely as her partner, your job is to support her in difficult times?

Aside from that, you cooking solo and her cooking solo makes no difference to your workload in the home. If you cook a roast for yourself, or for both of you, the only cleaning difference is maybe an extra plate?


Cooking for just yourself means you'll still be cleaning the pots and utensils, so it comes across as very petty that you simply don't want to make enough food for both of you.

GingerLily

There's not necessarily that much cooking if you follow a good plan, this is how we tend to cook during the week:

Monday - left overs from Sunday - no effort.
Tuesday - make a big meal.
Wednesday - eat leftovers from Tuesday.
Thursday - make a quick dish, fish or something in the oven etc.
Friday - takeaway or ready meal

Saturday / Sunday - decide at time but make sure there's some leftovers from either meal for Monday

If you're partners happy to help clean up after you eat then there's not really that much additional work if one of you is doing the mid week cooking.

There's more to team work then dividing chores 50 50

Is she there when you are cooking and washing up.

Is ‘attack the post, not the poster’ not a thing on this forum? Some rough replies here.

P.S. cook two meals OP

HildaOgdenx

Is this by any chance a reverse, ie, your partner is the one who said this to you?

wirelessdude01

You come across as a bit of a flute if I'm being brutally honest. Help your partner out, if she was pregnant would you be telling her to cook her own meals because you want 50:50.

Having said all that, your partner not talking to you for a number of days is actually very childish. It's okay for her to be annoyed but be an adult about it and chat it out.

Odyssey 2005

If I suggested to my partner that we cook seperate meals because I felt she wasn't pulling her weight in the home(after almost a year of relentless stress as a front line worker) I know what she'd say to me,and rightly so. OP you come across as selfish and uncaring.

killbillvol2

While most people try to think of ways to express their gratitude to frontline workers she has to come home to a toddler who's sulking about cooking a meal. Lucky girl.

Hopefully after we return to normal she'll have time to reflect and show you the door.

baldbear

If you don't have kids then god help you do. You will get a swift hard kick up the hole then.

The selfish streak will leave you then or that's what I found anyway.

Get some butcher ready made fakeaways one day a week anyway to make things a bit easier.

Danzy

Don't be a blocked toilet op.

Also cook dinner for 2 days in a row for both, takes near enough the same time.

rob316

Split the house work evenly? Are you for real. It doesn't work like that.
I cook dinner for my wife everyday and I enjoy it to be honest. What a nonsecal and trivial thing to fight about in a relationship.

gingerhousewife

No, she's not overreacting. Honestly I can't believe you've suggested that you will continue to cook everyday, but won't cook for two. It's incomprehensible to me that anyone would think this would be a reasonable suggestion as part of a loving relationship and partnership. Sounds more like something you might say to someone you are sharing a house with, not a life. Do you also have separate presses and shelves in the fridge? (Genuine question)

Maybe you need to think about whether this is a relationship you want to be in, if you really love your partner? Not trying to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like a suggestion that would be made by somebody who truly loves and supports the other.

Best of luck with it OP

Gruffalux

A fair quid pro quo arrangement could be separate cooking and separate sex lives.

endacl

Just for the sake of balance, OP, I’m going to say you’re dead right.*


* You’re not, though. Cop on.

50HX

Suck it up

Cook her the meals and here's a mad suggestion take on her share of the housework as well

It's not like she's heading off to a cushy work environment

Have a look in the mirror and ask yourself how would you react if roles were reversed

Big Bag of Chips

If you're at home every day, in the house, with spare time then of course housework, cooking, cleaning etc should not be split 50/50. Why would you think it should be?

Tork

Who cooked the meals before all things Covid kicked off?

Dtp1979

JasonStatham wrote: »

Man, step up and cook for her... she's not doing an easy job in current times.

When it goes back to normal you can have your previous arrangement

We don’t know that the OP is a man!