Ungrateful spoilt father.

ILoveYourVibes

Ok ..so this has been an issue for many years. But it has steadily grown much worse.

Basically my dad is really ungrateful. For everything in his life.

My mother bought him a present ....everything was wrong with it according to him and he kept giving out about it for HRS on christmas day....and when i say giving out ...i mean actually getting quite aggressive towards my mom to the point where i had to step in to defend her and then calm him down.

I tried to help him today with his computer ...but he got impatient and just said 'oh i don't care ..so what if its broken...leave me alone etc?' he will care of course when he can't use it. And i was only try to HELP him.

He takes EVERYONE and EVERYTHING for granted. I don't think you would have ever met anyone as ungrateful as him.

I got him a gift and on top of the gift i gave him a 100 euro gift voucher for a menswear shop. I didn't even get a thank you.

My mother does everything for him. She still cleans and makes his dinner. He still gives out about everything. Nothing is good enough. He is very controlling.





He is retired now but did quite well for himself. His sister keeps joking he is a millionaire etc. In a joking way ..and he will lose the rag saying she is after his money etc! ( i am not joking and he is SERIOUS too ).

Its just that he appreciates NOTHING in his life. He doesn't appreciate people at all. He just gripes about us.

I cooked everyday for him when he had cancer. I took care of him. More than he took care of himself.

His new thing is he thinks he drinks too much ( i don't know if he does or not). But he does nothing about it. And we have done the whole AA thing before. He refuses to do it. I don't understand how something can KNOW or THINK they drink too much and not agree to see a doctor or something.

My mom asked me did i have a nice christmas. I said yes of course.

But honestly i have just tried to avoid him. And it hasn't been nice at all.

It really hurts my heart to see him treat my mom like this. Its heart breaking.

I wish he could see what he truly has in her.

I feel like he doesn't deserve any of us anymore. He doesn't appreciate us.

And when i say he gripes ...i mean he ROARS ...its quite abusive ..and he can call names and swear.

I am beginning to think my grandmother spoiled him as a child. He didn't appreciate her either.

He gives about my brother's long hair. Lectures him. ABOUT EVERYTHING. Pushes him into situations.

My brother has a good job but my dad just picks on everything.

He doesn't realize he is lucky to have a son like this.

I feel like i didn't see this side of my dad in the way i do now.

I always thought it was our fault. Like i always thought it was our fault he had a drinking issue.

Its not us ITS HIM.

He is also like this with his friends. He had a screaming match at friend on christmas day over the phone because a friend texted him the wrong time for when a paul mc cartney concert was on tv! I MEAN CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? He thinks the friend has to text him the correct time etc??

And the friend just took it!

You should hear him with service people etc. I do hear him on the phone to someone in Vodafone etc. I mean used to think ok ..its his customer right etc. But he can be ....the male version of a karen. I do be embarrassed to be around him.

When we are driving ..he will swear beep and the other drivers get angry etc ...he has never swerved off the road and bumbed into the curb etc a few times because he was so pissed off and concentrating more on beeping the horn and swearing than on the road.

I was on the bus with him one time. And he was counting the time it took people to get their money out then was saying loudly to people ' You couldn't have the money ready no?' ..a few of them were like who does this guy think he is? But that is just him.

Very few people challenge him on this because he is very domineering and intimidating.

There i have just realized ...my dad is a karen. ..a self entitled karen.

I've tried telling him this ...partic about the way he treats my mom ...he just looks bewildered ...in one ear out the other.

He was an absolute bastard to her yesterday.

Just so people know ...as far as violence ..he throws THINGS ..or breaks things ..but never hurt anyone physically.

Relationships WITH EVERYONE in his family have been bad ..he refused to speak to his sister for years. I don't know why. They speak now. But he is still ....well he just says bad things about her behind her back ....he doesn't seem to care about her. He rarely asks after her. She keeps saying she is after his money etc. But she has never ever asked him for money.

My grandmother used to indulge him too much. He was the apple of her eye.

Basically he thinks he is the center of the universe.

I mean even kids are taught to say thank you even for gifts you don't like at their birthday parties.

he is like one of those sweet sixteen girls throwing a strop !

It was actually just cringeworthy .....its like he is a 16 yr old trapped in a 65 yr old man's body. I have lost all respect for him.

I have had it out with him ..he doesn't intimidate me anymore. I am just embarrassed by him at this stage. Like i wouldn't introduce friends to him....he is just too badly behaved. He would say something awkward or rude ..or a joke that was too personal etc. He doesn't know how to behave.

What do I do?

What do my family do?

ILoveYourVibes

Oh he can also be casually racist. And this is awkward and rude towards one side of my family.

Some of his beliefs are a little old fashioned shall we say. Like 1800.

He has gone on the odd rant about immigrants recently.

He said they were changing his way of life ( i don't know how )

And get his ...he said he was going to STOP EATING CHINESE FOOD ...because it was supporting their culture.

YEAH....he said that. He is basically that dumb.

I told him off ...of course.

You would be just sitting there on one of his rants going ..PLEASE MAKE IT END.

He used to give out about my brother's HAIR being too long. Until he gave up ..thank god.

He is SO embarrassing.

Its like its attention seeking. If the attention isn't on him. IT HAS TO BE.

Total drama queen.

ILoveYourVibes

Basically i showed my mother this post ...

Her reaction was ...there isn't anything here that isn't apparent to me. Basically meaning ..she knows.

Kablamo!

He is who he is. At this stage of the game I can't imagine he's going to change, so the only thing you can control is limiting your interactions with him and trying to adjust how you let his behaviour affect you.

ILoveYourVibes

Kablamo! wrote: »

He is who he is. At this stage of the game I can't imagine he's going to change, so the only thing you can control is limiting your interactions with him and trying to adjust how you let his behaviour affect you.

I know. I do this.


The issue is now......he is lonely...he has very few friends at this stage ..and hasn't maintained any long term ones.

Whereas my mother has.

Despite him being an ass ....he loves me and my brother.

But my brother has left the country and didn't come back for christmass. This broke dad's heart.

And i rarely spend time with him. LIKE EVER.

This hurts him too.

I have told him why.

Its not that he doesn't want to change ...he actually can't.

But i know you are right.

Its just sad to see him.

By the way i can't just let the racism go by ...any time that happens i pull him up! He can't be let away with it.

Sonic the Shaghog

How can you even begin to talk about racism when you claimed in another thread that people were excusing the OPs husband because they were a "straight white male" ?

Assuming you aren't a complete WUM do you ever for one second reflect on your own carry on?

I'm being deadly serious, have you ever thought about approaching a counselor given a lot of your posts on here? So much is completely disjointed thinking and ramblings

ILoveYourVibes

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

How can you even begin to talk about racism when you claimed in another thread that people were excusing the OPs husband because they were a "straight white male" ?

Assuming you aren't a complete WUM do you ever for one second reflect on your own carry on?

I'm being deadly serious, have you ever thought about approaching a counselor given a lot of your posts on here? So much is completely disjointed thinking and ramblings

You don't think someone who says they are going to refuse to eat chinese food because its supporting Chinese culture is being extremely racist?

Using the N word etc you don't think that is racist?

Is teasing a trans friend of mine ok?

Or is my father allowed to do all this because he is a white man?

What about his confessed alcholism? Is this healthy or a sign of a wider personality issue?

He has no friends. Any he has ...he loses after they get tired of them...or they are boozers too


And you don't think you are excusing my father being a spoilt difficult brat because he is a white straight male no?

No i don't need counseling thank you i am actually a very strong person.

I am just ashamed of him. And so is my brother. Which is sad.

I tend to lie for him ...or hide him. But im done.

DeanAustin

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You don't think someone who says they are going to refuse to eat chinese food because its supporting Chinese culture is being extremely racist?

Using the N word etc you don't think that is racist?

Is teasing a trans friend of mine ok?

Or is my father allowed to do all this because he is a white man?

What about his confessed alcholism? Is this healthy or a sign of a wider personality issue?

He has no friends. Any he has ...he loses after they get tired of them...or they are boozers too


And you don't think you are excusing my father being a spoilt difficult brat because he is a white straight male no?

No i don't need counseling thank you i am actually a very strong person.

None of what he does, the way you’ve outlined it, is right. But nor is your linking his faults to the fact he’s a straight white male.

I’d also challenge your contention that counselling is somehow for people who aren’t strong. That’s a load of sh1te. And you do sound like you either need to talk to someone or put the phone away until the morning.

I think it’s fairly clear to see that your relationship with your father is less than ideal and far from what a typical father daughter relationship is like. There seems to be little in the way of respect for him, or your mother as you continue to insert yourself into their relationship as a husband and wife and to be honest, it all seems to be pretty intent on you getting what you think you’re entitled to from both of them rather than for the good of all.

No matter your fathers faults, or your mothers, you should start by accepting that you are a product of both of them. You can continue to allow your own view of them, your life and your ultimate happiness be dominated by the negativity of the position you’re assuming, sitting in judgement and interfering in their lives, of you can learn to pick your battles and understand that as far as things go with your father, you will NEVER be a victor.

Both of your parents could do you a great favour, a service and a kindness by telling you to stop winding them up, fanning the embers and looking to get some heat going every time you feel offended and to instead go and carve out an independent existence and life for yourself. You do them no good, nor yourself, dwelling in your own and their bitterness.

Your father sounds like a weary, beleaguered man, tired of having to deal with all the drama. You won’t like this, but I have more than a sneaking suspicion at this stage that you know this and want it anyway, to create something to feed your own needs at his and his wife’s expense.

ILoveYourVibes

DeanAustin wrote: »

None of what he does, the way you’ve outlined it is right. But nor is your linking his faults to the fact he’s a straight white male.

I’d also challenge your contention that counselling is somehow for people who aren’t strong. That’s a load of sh1te. And you do sound like you either need to talk to someone or put the phone away until the morning.

So you think he would be racist against black people if he were black ..

You don't think his racism has anything to do with the fact he is white no?
erm ok

My Dad always said counseling was the for the weak. So i guess in some ways i take after him. Shrug.

No i don't need counseling .

Sonic the Shaghog

You are constantly editing that post to add even more random evidence of his transgressions.

Which is it, for the reactions or you are having trouble focusing? Why the ignoring of your own casual racism?

Sonic the Shaghog

Even worse your now claiming its the fact he's white he's a racist?

DeanAustin

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

So you think he would be racist against black people if he were black ..

You don't think his racism has anything to do with the fact he is white no?
erm ok

My Dad always said counseling was the for the weak. So i guess in some ways i take after him. Shrug.

No i don't need counseling .

I don’t know your dad so I wouldn’t want to pass any judgement on him. As a straight, white male however, I object to the way you’ve thrown that term around tonight on this thread and other threads.

ILoveYourVibes

JayZeus wrote: »

I think it’s fairly clear to see that your relationship with your father is less than ideal and far from what a typical father daughter relationship is like. There seems to be little in the way of respect for him, or your mother as you continue to insert yourself into their relationship as a husband and wife and to be honest, it all seems to be pretty intent on you getting what you think you’re entitled to from both of them rather than for the good of all.

I don't ask anything from either of them. In fact i give give give to my father.

It was ME who looked after him when he was ill or drunk. Its me who helps HIM.

No i don't respect him. Respect is earned.

My brother feels the same. Their relationship is worse.

Both of your parents could do you a great favour, a service and a kindness by telling you to stop winding them up, fanning the embers and looking to get some heat going every time you feel offended and to instead go and carve out an independent existence and life for yourself. You do them no good, nor yourself, dwelling in your own and their bitterness.

This is bizarre answer.

My mother and i get on great.

My father directs most of his abuse at her.

I am independent.

I am in the right here.

He is an awful human being.

Having said that ...he is lonely ..he misses his son ..and he constantly says he misses me.

The thing is ..he knows what he is ...who he is ..he knows its wrong ...he just can't change.

ILoveYourVibes

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

You are constantly editing that post to add even more random evidence of his transgressions.

Which is it, for the reactions or you are having trouble focusing? Why the ignoring of your own casual racism?

This is ridiculous.

I AM WHITE TOO.

ILoveYourVibes

DeanAustin wrote: »

I don’t know your dad so I wouldn’t want to pass any judgement on him. As a straight, white male however, I object to the way you’ve thrown that term around tonight on this thread and other threads.

You don't want to pass judgement on a man who casually uses the N word and refused to eat chinese food because he doesn't like chinese people in front of his son's asian friend?

Sonic the Shaghog

I don't know whether you're a WUM or in need of help but frankly no matter which I think it's astonishing that you still have leave to post your inane, fantastical ramblings here in PI where so many people come when they are at their most needy and vulnerable.

It's dangerous and frankly downright disgusting to the people that come in here for help and those that offer advice.

ILoveYourVibes

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

I don't know whether you're a WUM or in need of help but frankly no matter which I think it's astonishing that you still have leave to post your inane, fantastical ramblings here in PI where so many people come when they are at their most needy and vulnerable.

It's dangerous and frankly downright disgusting to the people that come in here for help and those that offer advice.

This is MY thread asking for advice.


I have had to live with this man all of my life. His neediness ...his guilt trips....his boozing.

When i had a seizure he used it to get empathy from people for HIM.

I am in a vulnerable place. I came here ..

You just seem to want to bring up other issues you have with me.

I am the one who was left with a crying mother all day trying to console her.

I was left trying to calm my brother down after he told my dad to f off.

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

This is MY thread asking for advice.

What advice are you seeking? You haven't asked for any yet, you've just made a list of things you perceive as wrong with your Dad.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I don't ask anything from either of them. In fact i give give give to my father.

It was ME who looked after him when he was ill or drunk. Its me who helps HIM.

No i don't respect him. Respect is earned.

My brother feels the same. Their relationship is worse.




This is bizarre answer.

My mother and i get on great.

My father directs most of his abuse at her.

I am independent.

I am in the right here.

He is an awful human being.

Having said that ...he is lonely ..he misses his son ..and he constantly says he misses me.

The thing is ..he knows what he is ...who he is ..he knows its wrong ...he just can't change.

He doesn’t want to change and to be honest, he shouldn’t. He should be himself and get on with life, paying less attention to people who want him to be someone he is not. If his son has long hair and a job he thinks is ridiculous, that’s the way of the world. If his daughter shows him contempt, interferes in his marriage and thinks she knows better than he does what’s best for him, he shouldn’t lose any sleep over her. If his wife bitches with his daughter about him behind his back, it’s hardly a surprise he’s be miserable with her and unlikely to express much gratitude to either of them when they think gifts he doesn’t need deserve his thanks, in the face of such brazen disrespect. If the son who is away causes him none of the grief, heartache and disappointment, it’s hardly any wonder he’d be sorely missed by a man with a nagging family intent on making his survival of cancer an opportunity to have him grovel and give thanks for everyone for whatever they think they did for him. If he has even half a clue about what you think let alone write about him, it’s no wonder he has little thanks for you, to be brutally honest.

ILoveYourVibes

dobman88 wrote: »

What advice are you seeking? You haven't asked for any yet, you've just made a list of things you perceive as wrong with your Dad.

You don't think racism is wrong?

I think its pretty obvious what advice i am asking for.

How do i help him?

How do i help my family?

How do i get him to see the racist things he says can't go on?

How can i get him to appreciate my mother?

Or do i just cut him off ...and then wait for the next needy tantrum from him where he begs me to spend time with him?

ILoveYourVibes

JayZeus wrote: »

He doesn’t want to change and to be honest, he shouldn’t. He should be himself and get on with life, paying less attention to people who want him to be someone he is not..

He is a self admitted alcoholic. He constantly asks for help. -_-

You guys haven't a clue.

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You don't think racism is wrong?

I think its pretty obvious what advice i am asking for.

How do i help him?

How do i help my family?

How do i get him to see the racist things he says can't go on?

How can i get him to appreciate my mother?

Or do i just cut him off ...and then wait for the next needy tantrum from him where he begs me to spend time with him?

I do. I abhor all forms of racism and discrimination.

That's the first post you've made asking for any advice though.

He sounds like an ignorant old man stuck in his ways. I'd call him on the racism any time he makes a comment and tell him why he cant say those things. Hes probably beyond help at this stage professionally and doesnt sound like the type to speak to someone. You cant interfere with your mothers relationship with him, that's up to her to sort.

Just explain why he cant make racial comments.

Sonic the Shaghog

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He has no friends. Any he has ...he loses after they get tired of them...or they are boozers too

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He is also like this with his friends. He had a screaming match at friend on christmas day over the phone because a friend texted him the wrong time for when a paul mc cartney concert was on tv! I MEAN CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? He thinks the friend has to text him the correct time etc??

And the friend just took it!

Which is it?

ILoveYourVibes

dobman88 wrote: »

I do. I abhor all forms of racism and discrimination.

That's the first post you've made asking for any advice though.

He sounds like an ignorant old man stuck in his ways. I'd call him on the racism any time he makes a comment and tell him why he cant say those things. Hes probably beyond help at this stage professionally and doesnt sound like the type to speak to someone. You cant interfere with your mothers relationship with him, that's up to her to sort.

Just explain why he cant make racial comments.

I see your point on not interfering.

But i feel when i see him being outright name calling to her or abusive i have to intervene. Or at least calm it down and take her out of the room.

Anytime i call him on the comments ....it either becomes explosive or he goes on a long rant .

See that side of his family ....would have similar political views like that. They say things that should not be said etc.

He was raised that way. Its no excuse.

If i just kept my head down ....things would be quieter

I just avoid them to be honest.

But then he gives out i don't visit and spend time.

I know everyone has family issues.

I was always of the opinion you work it out.

ILoveYourVibes

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

Which is it?

Seriously?

you don't have to post

its both obviously ...

do you have any advice ...non abusive advice?

I mean like REAL kind hearted genuine non abusive advice? Or are you just going to keep it up?

DeanAustin

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You don't want to pass judgement on a man who casually uses the N word and refused to eat chinese food because he doesn't like chinese people in front of his son's asian friend?

I don’t want to pass judgement on someone I don’t know based on the ramblings of someone who doesn’t seem all that reliable.

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I mean like REAL kind hearted genuine non abusive advice? Or are you just going to keep it up?

In fairness, and I mean this in a constructive way, its very hard to take you seriously with the way you post. You come across as very aggressive, especially towards men. Straight white men in particular.

Maybe you should seek professional help from someone who could actually help you instead of posting to random people on a website.

ILoveYourVibes

dobman88 wrote: »

In fairness, and I mean this in a constructive way, its very hard to take you seriously with the way you post. You come across as very aggressive, especially towards men. Straight white men in particular.

I don't have any issues with straight white men.

I have issues with my father.


Aggression is a family trait. I was taught it by him.

He never allowed me to be soft or sensitive to people.

Maybe you should seek professional help from someone who could actually help you instead of posting to random people on a website.

That is what PI is.

ILoveYourVibes

DeanAustin wrote: »

I don’t want to pass judgement on someone I don’t know based on the ramblings of someone who doesn’t seem all that reliable.

Yeah no he really did that.

May I remind you that you don't know me either. And whatever your opinions you owe me basic respect in this thread.

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I don't have any issues with straight white men.


That is what PI is.

You have used straight white Male in a derogatory sense more than once tonight alone.

PI is to offer advice yes, your problems seem deeper than anything that could be discussed or sorted out here. My recommendation would be counselling and a professional who can help. Good luck.

ILoveYourVibes

dobman88 wrote: »

You have used straight white Male in a derogatory sense more than once tonight alone.

No i did not.

I never said it was a bad thing to be a straight white male.

I said people might be biased towards someone because he was a straight white male.

And that being one had certain privileges.

That is not derogatory.

And stop pretending you are posting to offer advice ....you are posting to be abusive. And you know so.

And what has occurred in another thread is not relevant here.
Its just being petty.

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

No i did not.

I never said it was a bad thing to be a straight white male.

I said people might be biased towards someone because he was a straight white male.

And that being one had certain privileges.

That is not derogatory.

Ok.

I'd still advise talking to a professional. Best of luck with lt.

ILoveYourVibes

dobman88 wrote: »

Ok.

I'd still advise talking to a professional. Best of luck with lt.

About my father?

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

No i did not.

I never said it was a bad thing to be a straight white male.

I said people might be biased towards someone because he was a straight white male.

And that being one had certain privileges.

That is not derogatory.

And stop pretending you are posting to offer advice ....you are posting to be abusive. And you know so.

You edited in the last bit after I posted my above comment.

I am not posting to be abusive. I am suggesting that this forum isnt the right place to help you and professional help is a better option.

If you feel I'm being abusive, I'm not, then I'm sure you could report it and a mod would action it.

Just because you might disagree with me, doesnt mean I'm being abusive.

dobman88

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

About my father?

Yes. That's the issue you're here asking for advice on.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

HunkyMonster - your posts have been deleted as they were just attacks on the OP. Don't engage in this again. Please do not post again in this thread.

Personal attacks are not tolerated in PI. PI is about offering constructive advice. If you want to debate an issue, or be a smartarse, there's plenty of other places to do that on Boards.

Vibes: I'll be sending you a PM later but I'm locking this thread for now as the posts made so far (both by others and by yourself, to be honest) have derailed it. It's coming across like you're too angry about this issue at the moment to take heed of advice offered so I think it would be best if we come back to it later in the morning.

And I think we can/should all agree that racism is very wrong - that should not be a point of discussion here.

Thanks.

Thread locked for now.