Ex taking my son for christmas, no say in the matter.

ILoveYourVibes

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I think you misread the bit about sleeping together Katgurl, OP didn't mean in the last couple of years since his ex has had a new partner. There's no infidelity that I can see.

I completely sympathise with your situation OP, but I think the type of Christmas that you and your ex have been enjoying with your son over the last few years was a very exceptional one. Most couples who are separate don't spend Christmas together or maintain as close a relationship as you have been doing.

Regardless of how close you were as friends, you weren't together and sooner or later one (or both) of you was going to end up in a relationship with someone else - and spending Christmas with an ex is no longer a feasible option when there's another relationship taking priority. Going forward I think you'll have to accept that Christmas will likely be split into different time slots that you can both spend with your son.

With that said, I think it's bad form for her to spell out the plans to you without any prior discussion or asking what your thoughts are - it wasn't very considerate.

I really don't think he did.

No issues either side bar once about 4 years ago where she wanted us to give it a proper go and i didn't.

I think he has it bang on.


OP i don't think it is at all unreasonable for a child to spend Christmas in the child's own home. That is his home. Its where he lives full time. Its where his friends are. Its where his life is.

ManOfMystery

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I really don't think he did.



I think he has it bang on.


OP i don't think it is at all unreasonable for a child to spend Christmas in the child's own home. That is his home. Its where he lives full time. Its where his friends are. Its where his life is.

Read it again. The last time they slept together was 2016. He said she's been in her new relationship in the last 3yrs, which means it started 2017.

There was no infidelity.

screamer

Poor dads they really are second best in this country, the amount of suck it up, be grateful for what you had and tough luck, you didnt want her in this post is awful, and would never be made towards a mother. OP I hope you find some compromise this year, but for sure you need to formalise access, as i've seen first hand how badly wrong these things can go, and the legal system snd public opinion all fawn over the mother, poor dads have to fight tooth and nail for the smallest concession

Princess Calla

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Read it again. The last time they slept together was 2016. He said she's been in her new relationship in the last 3yrs, which means it started 2017.

There was no infidelity.

I'm not so sure.

First 6 yrs in hers brought it up to 2017. Last two in his (which she was in a relationship for) 2018/2019....all bar last one the slept together.....so 2018???? I'm certainly reading it as infidelity.

But sure makes no odds. Op hasn't returned so I'm guessing he got what he needed out of the thread.

ManOfMystery

Princess Calla wrote: »

I'm not so sure.

First 6 yrs in hers brought it up to 2017. Last two in his (which she was in a relationship for) 2018/2019....all bar last one the slept together.....so 2018???? I'm certainly reading it as infidelity.

But sure makes no odds. Op hasn't returned so I'm guessing he got what he needed out of the thread.

"Every Christmas since my son was born in 2011 we would spend it together the 3 of us.

For the first 6 years i had stayed at hers (all bar the last we ended up sleeping together which is by the by, just giving full story) and the last 2 years at mine. Both of those she was in her new relationship, engaged last year."

" I've been in a couple of other relationships over the last 9 years and she has been in 1 and gotten engaged over the last 3."

First 6 years since birth they spent together: 2011 to 2017.
All bar the last they slept together, so that means last slept together 2016.

Her new relationship has been going 3 years, so it started 2017.

Princess Calla

ManOfMystery wrote: »

"Every Christmas since my son was born in 2011 we would spend it together the 3 of us.

For the first 6 years i had stayed at hers (all bar the last we ended up sleeping together which is by the by, just giving full story) and the last 2 years at mine. Both of those she was in her new relationship, engaged last year."

" I've been in a couple of other relationships over the last 9 years and she has been in 1 and gotten engaged over the last 3."

First 6 years since birth they spent together: 2011 to 2017.
All bar the last they slept together, so that means last slept together 2016.

Her new relationship has been going 3 years, so it started 2017.

Fair enough.

It's abit ambiguous, but sure as I said the OP hasn't returned, if he was reading it and seeing abit of confusion he could easily have clarified by a one line reply. He hasn't.

I'm sure he's got what he needed from the thread.

Tork

screamer wrote: »

Poor dads they really are second best in this country, the amount of suck it up, be grateful for what you had and tough luck, you didnt want her in this post is awful, and would never be made towards a mother. OP I hope you find some compromise this year, but for sure you need to formalise access, as i've seen first hand how badly wrong these things can go, and the legal system snd public opinion all fawn over the mother, poor dads have to fight tooth and nail for the smallest concession

I don't think anybody is telling the OP to just suck it up. Instead they're being realistic. Even if he starts the formal access ball rolling now, there is no way it will be resolved before Christmas. And as some people have pointed out, if this situation can be resolved amicably between the two of them it'll be better for everybody involved. I hope he gets to spend quality time with his son over Christmas but for now, that is something to be organised between him and the ex.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

screamer wrote: »

Poor dads they really are second best in this country, the amount of suck it up, be grateful for what you had and tough luck, you didnt want her in this post is awful, and would never be made towards a mother. OP I hope you find some compromise this year, but for sure you need to formalise access, as i've seen first hand how badly wrong these things can go, and the legal system snd public opinion all fawn over the mother, poor dads have to fight tooth and nail for the smallest concession

Exactly this, be grateful for the scraps your given, it's a disgrace. This man has as much right to his son Xmas day as she has, who is she to dictate? Don't be a walk over, you let this slide and you will be a door mat. Straight to court and formalize access. Do your own Xmas/presents/sanity from now on. Make changes that suit you going forward.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thank you for all your replies most were very helpful.

Firstly I just want to address the whole cheating aspect. It never happened once, was never even a hint of it. We hadn't slept together or had any intimate relationship for about 6 months before i had told her i didn't want a relationship and nearly a year before she met her current fiancé.

Secondly, I didn't keep her thinking there was a chance at any stage. If anything that role was reversed. It was only when i had finally moved on and told her i had met someone and we were going off on a sun break that she decided that she wanted to give it a go and that she loved me. I couldn't go back to what we had previously for my own peace of mind at the time, whether i still feel that was the right choice now is irrelevant. I have never strung her along once, in fact the opposite.

The last unrelated point I wanted to address was that my son has two homes. If anything he would consider my home to be his primary one from a social stand point. He spends 4/3 nights here depending on the week so time would be split, but his friends are here. His mom's home is a slow build in a very rural setting in an irish speaking community, he is not an irish speaker, but only a few people around (one family with children his own age) and no broadband to interact with other friends.

I have taken a lot of the advice on board and talked to her about it since. I told her I was pissed off and hurt not by what she wants but how she did it. I told her I understood and was happy to go along with it. I asked for clarity as to when i could have him over the xmas and told her it would be reversed next year. Said that i wanted for the toy show/santy to be alternated each year so i would have him next year for santy/xmas day and she could have him for toy show and we would alternate that each year.

She came back to me and said i could have him xmas eve night and drop him back to her at 12 xmas day. (We had always alternated breakfast and dinner after the santy in the morning, this was my year for breakfast). She will face time for santy in the morning. Tbh i was shocked with the response, I think she is trying for a baby with her fiancé so is prob hoping to have them together next year. I will be formalising things more in the new year. I don't mind alternating Christmas day, as there is never any issue with me having time with my son at all, but i want it formalised or agreed between us so there is clarity going forward. i think I was just lost that weekend because it came out of the blue and was a unilateral decision i wasn't involved in.

I really am blessed, or we are, that we have gotten on so well all the way through before this. It has saved us a fortune on legal bills that gets spent on our son.


Thanks again to all who responded.

osarusan

Lost.1. wrote: »

I have taken a lot of the advice on board and talked to her about it since. I told her I was pissed off and hurt not by what she wants but how she did it. I told her I understood and was happy to go along with it. I asked for clarity as to when i could have him over the xmas and told her it would be reversed next year. Said that i wanted for the toy show/santy to be alternated each year so i would have him next year for santy/xmas day and she could have him for toy show and we would alternate that each year.

She came back to me and said i could have him xmas eve night and drop him back to her at 12 xmas day. (We had always alternated breakfast and dinner after the santy in the morning, this was my year for breakfast). She will face time for santy in the morning. Tbh i was shocked with the response, I think she is trying for a baby with her fiancé so is prob hoping to have them together next year. I will be formalising things more in the new year. I don't mind alternating Christmas day, as there is never any issue with me having time with my son at all, but i want it formalised or agreed between us so there is clarity going forward. i think I was just lost that weekend because it came out of the blue and was a unilateral decision i wasn't involved in.

Fair play for sticking up for yourself, and even though I think her original unilateral move was very unfair, she seems very open to compromise.


I'd agree you've been lucky/done well to get along so well for so long, but still, get things formalised, not necessarily even legally, but between the two of you, a schedule that you both agree on and can live with.


Enjoy Christmas eve and morning!