End of the road for Marriage - what next?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I've been a long time member of boards but going unreg for this.

We are married for 18 years. we have 2 kids both under 10.

I love my wife but not I'm not in love with her anymore. I think she feels the same way to be honest.

I can see in the next few weeks /months this will all come to a head and I feel that we may decide to call it a day.

I do believe that she would be better off / happier out of the marriage. she says I am too controlling and she cant take it any more.
I will admit that I can be controlling in certain things around finances mainly as I feel I have a responsibility to the family to do this to make sure we can pay bills and mortgage, save a few euro for a rainy day. she is useless with money and would live from week to week.

this causes so many arguments as I am accused of being mean for not wanting to spend money. Its like I have matured as I got older but she still wants to be the carefree person that she was in her 20's when we got together. I can see where she is coming from, I would love to have that attitude too, but cant. Someone has to be the grownup.

Anyway I think we are both at the point where we will start a dialogue on how we would go about this in a practical manner.

should we separate totally.
should we separate informally, Ie still live under the one roof but live separate lives.
so many variables to both above.

there is a complication that one of our Kids has profound special needs and will never live independently. my wife is currently her carer, so does not work outside the home.

she will always require adult supervision, and provision for what will happen to her on our passing is also a huge consideration.

The children are the light of my life and they must come first in all of this. It would break my heart not to be with them but what kind of childhood is it for them if their parents cant even speak civilly to each other any more. our other kid seems to spend most of his time trying to be a peace keeper.

I would appreciate any advice on what to do next.

thanks

Terrontress

Hi Toshiba,

Have you been to couples counselling?

I have separated from my wife and am currently in the proceeds of divorce. She left three years ago and we are still not divorced. We do not have the additional factor of a child with special needs. And it is tough.

At the time, many friends said to me something along the lines that if there is any way or sorting it, sort it while you still can. And I am giving that advice to you now. It appears that both of you have been honest and frank, which will stand you in good stead. And you obviously have loved each other in the past. Plus you have something fairly massive to keep you together.

See if you can save the marriage before you write it off immediately. Try to get back to happiness.

HildaOgdenx

Similar to the previous poster, I would suggest looking into counselling.

In the short term, try to agree, both of you, that you won't put the child in the role of peacemaker. That must be very stressful for the child.

Keep discussion/ arguments to a minimum while that child is around, while you both, as the adults, look into the practicalities for the future.

This forum may be helpful to you.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1533

wildwillow

It is a dificult time for all relationships. You do need some counselling but in the meantime you may need to make a few changes.



I find it strange that having a child with profound special needs is added as a complication.

It is a huge factor in your lives. It impacts you physically, emotionally, financially, you have to fight for even the silghtest help, social life is almost non existant and you suffer from mental and physical fatigue.
Your wife is the carer, and during Covid has been doing this with little help and support. I'm not being judgemental but maybe you are the one who should grow up and work out a way where your wife can have "carefree" time, even a few hours a week, when she is not being a carer. How much support do you give her in caring for the children? I presume the lock down has been pretty comprehensive for her as the child is vunerable. Imagine yourself in her shoes and see how you would cope.

Is money management your main source of argument? As a carer she will have very little money of her "own" and you probably feel under pressure to provide enough income.

I presume she was earning a wage before being a carer and is finding it difficult to adjust. Having to justify spending is awful. Make a budget and agree what is essential. Do you need to save so much? I agree you need a small emergency fund but don't make saving a priority at the moment. Could you ring fence even a small amount each month which is hers to spend as she wants, without any questions from you?

How do you expect your lives to improve if you split up. Money is going to be a bigger problem if keeping two households.
Your wife is going to be more involved with the child with special needs and the other child will be passed from one to the other.

Try to remember what brought you together in the first place.

Treat each other with respect and make an effort not to fight over the small stuff. Don't do anything rash until life gets back to some sort of normality as things may be less stressful.

tara73

You havn't told us much about the whole situation and what's really going on. Therefore it is very difficult to give helpfull advice.

You said you are controlling but just explained your controlling issue with finances and also just justified your behaviour that your wife is so bad with money.
It sounds like this is the main or even the only reason for wanting to split up. Sounds like madness to me, there must be much more to the story you havn't described, as said.

seenitall

Hi OP,

I want to present a different perspective to other posters here, as to me your post clearly reads that you and your wife have become incompatible over the years and the resentments are growing. Not a good environment to raise children in, whether abled or disabled. Correct me if I’m wrong, by the way, but your post screams “It’s over” to me. One of the main reasons people divorce over, is money and the management of money, so rest assured you are not an outlier, really.

I know a former couple with two kids, one of whom is profoundly developmentally disabled, and they have managed to make their divorce work and be happy with different partners (the last I heard). I’m sure all the logistics weren’t easy to organise between two different households, but these are people in their early forties, so it’s better to cut the cord on an unhappy marriage, than potentially have another 40 years of the same thing, where the healthy child will grow up listening to endless squabbling over money, and the disabled one is not able to care one way or the other. They both take their turns with both their children now, across both households, like other divorced people do, the only difference is one of the kids is in the wheelchair, and everything else belonging to that circumstance - but that was their life before the Divorce as well. They get regular respite for that child, too (I imagine Covid has temporarily scuppered that now); they make it work.

Give it a good think and a discussion between yourselves, and sure some couples counselling wouldn’t go amiss if there is a lot of resentment there, if only to sort things out amicably and with a view to a friendly and equal co-parenting arrangement. But there is life after an unhappy marriage, for sure. No one need sacrifice their personal happiness because they have a disabled child, this isn’t the Middle ages.