Partner has no friends here and wants to move

LegacyUser

My partner isn't from Ireland and he's never really had any friends here. I love him but I don't want to be his entire social circle, and I've always encouraged him to make friends here but he's never bothered. His entire life is work, tv, sleep and he says he's happy with it like that.

He gets on well with his colleagues but pre-Covid, they wouldn't meet up outside of work unless it was a birthday as we live too far away from them. Moving is an option but I don't want to move further from my family and work, pay more money and have him still not socialising (in times we're allowed socialise, of course).

He's got a lot of friends back where he's from and talks with them regularly. I've always asked him to make a friend or two here so he had a bigger support network but he said that me and his home friends were enough.

Now he's talking about wanting to move back for his career (admittedly, his home country does have more opportunities for him than here). He says it'd only be a couple of years and he'd eventually move back to Ireland.

I always felt like he might leave because he has no friends here, and now it might be happening. He's told me over and over that he was here to stay, he loved me and wouldn't leave Ireland, he had no intentions of returning to his home country because he wanted to settle down with me, and now this.

I don't know if I want to go with him. Pre-COVID I probably would have, but now it seems like such a risk. I'm just lost on what to say or do. I'm not even sure if I have a question here to ask advice about. I know I can't force him to make friends or to stay. I just don't know anymore.

Tork

The real question here isn't what the subject line says, is it? Your partner's actions all point to somebody who never saw his future in Ireland. Maybe he didn't consciously set out to do that but as you've pointed out, he has no roots here and has made no friends. He's not interested in doing so and sounds like somebody who is marking time before he can go home. It would not surprise me if he settles back so well in his home country, he will never come back to Ireland. I think you know that too.

So you're faced with a horrible dilemma here. Do you want to move to his home country and settle there permanently? There is no easy answer to a situation like this. He's giving up his friends and family by being in Ireland. You'll be doing the same if you move to his. Neither of you is right, neither of you is wrong.

JasonStatham

idontknowtbh wrote: »

My partner isn't from Ireland and he's never really had any friends here. I love him but I don't want to be his entire social circle, and I've always encouraged him to make friends here but he's never bothered. His entire life is work, tv, sleep and he says he's happy with it like that.

He gets on well with his colleagues but pre-Covid, they wouldn't meet up outside of work unless it was a birthday as we live too far away from them. Moving is an option but I don't want to move further from my family and work, pay more money and have him still not socialising (in times we're allowed socialise, of course).

He's got a lot of friends back where he's from and talks with them regularly. I've always asked him to make a friend or two here so he had a bigger support network but he said that me and his home friends were enough.

Now he's talking about wanting to move back for his career (admittedly, his home country does have more opportunities for him than here). He says it'd only be a couple of years and he'd eventually move back to Ireland.

I always felt like he might leave because he has no friends here, and now it might be happening. He's told me over and over that he was here to stay, he loved me and wouldn't leave Ireland, he had no intentions of returning to his home country because he wanted to settle down with me, and now this.

I don't know if I want to go with him. Pre-COVID I probably would have, but now it seems like such a risk. I'm just lost on what to say or do. I'm not even sure if I have a question here to ask advice about. I know I can't force him to make friends or to stay. I just don't know anymore.

Let him move back to his home country. Stay close to your family, and get a local partner. It'll work out for you better in the long run.

TheadoreT

Tricky one, wouldn't be overly harsh on him not making friends, never easy in a new country, and once you get by school and college it's tough at the best of times to form new friendships. Him being in a relationship also eliminates avenues to meet new people. Can only imagine Covid has been very difficult for him if he has very few social outlets in Ireland.

Have your own friends tried to make him part of their group?

Would you have to leave your job if working abroad or could you still work from home from wherever? Probably a big risk to be searching for work anywhere now with the biggest global depression of our lifetimes about to hit.

Could be wrong but get the feeling from your post that he's a bit of a burden and you wouldn't be too cut up if it ended.

qwerty13

Can I ask why he moved to Ireland? Just for something different, an economic choice? And how long is he in Ireland? What age was he when he moved here? - of course you don’t have to answer, just that it may give some insight as to his frame of reference.

It sounds like he got into a habit of being comfortable with you as his partner, that he didn’t feel the need to make Ireland his home. And the idea of being a partners sole social outlet would not be something that I’d be happy with, whether they grew up on the same road as me or were from the other side of the world.

He may also have rose-tinted views of his home country / friends, depending on how long he’s been here. I know friends who’ve moved back to Ireland who had a hard time adjusting. I think it’s just a human thing to think of people in same way as when we last saw them. Of course chats and contact is good - but it’s not real life, as in people getting older, have more personal and financial commitments, and his idea of what life might be like living near friends or family might be stuck in a bit of a time warp.

It’s a difficult one OP. A word of caution though: a friend of mine isn’t Irish, and their friend (same country) decided that nothing would do but to raise their kids in the home country. It’s caused absolute havoc in the relationship, and now (2 kids later), it looks like they may split and she wants to move back to her home country. So just be very aware of considerations like that - especially if you were to temporarily move to his country and had a child that was born there.

With all of the COVID working from home, could you and he rent for 6 months in his country, and you work from home from there? As in a chance to see what life might be like if you moved (albeit COVID weird)

PS: I should have said that he has already moved away from his family, so (depending on his reasons for moving here) it could seem selfish that you won’t move away from yours temporarily. I’m just getting a feeling that it wouldn’t be a temporary move though. So would his career jump to a higher scale if you moved to his country for a few years - and how would that translate to moving back here after his career progression (I guess I’m struggling to see where the logic is in moving ‘temporarily’ for his career).

The best of luck, that’s quite the dilemma.

Tork

qwerty13 wrote: »

It’s a difficult one OP. A word of caution though: a friend of mine isn’t Irish, and their friend (same country) decided that nothing would do but to raise their kids in the home country. It’s caused absolute havoc in the relationship, and now (2 kids later), it looks like they may split and she wants to move back to her home country. So just be very aware of considerations like that - especially if you were to temporarily move to his country and had a child that was born there.

On that point, I know a couple who divorced over this very issue. She couldn't settle in Ireland despite giving it a go and she returned to her home country with their kids. He stayed here. He had tried living in her country before their move but just couldn't settle. The pull of home was too strong. I don't want to be a Negative Nora here but I think it's important to point out that these sorts of relationships don't always work out. I don't think this problem can be resolved by him making some Irish friends. This guy is behaving like somebody who wants to go home.

qwerty13

Tork wrote: »

On that point, I know a couple who divorced over this very issue. She couldn't settle in Ireland despite giving it a go and she returned to her home country with their kids. He stayed here. He had tried living in her country before their move but just couldn't settle. The pull of home was too strong. I don't want to be a Negative Nora here but I think it's important to point out that these sorts of relationships don't always work out. I don't think this problem can be resolved by him making some Irish friends. This guy is behaving like somebody who wants to go home.

I’ve possibly heard too much about the relationship that I mentioned, as my pal chats to me about it because she’s being treated like her compatriot’s ‘only person who understands’. I did wonder if the relationship in question was possibly not working anyway, and the ‘wanting to move to home country’ was a symptom, rather than the problem.

Anyway - that relationship is on the rocks, and in terms of kids, and their house, it’s turned into a nightmare. So I just wanted to make sure that the OP factors that into any decisions, as the relationship I mentioned had one kid born in the mother’s home country, and the other here. (I am aware that I sound terribly cynical, but if things don’t work out, stuff like this can make it so very much harder.)

Tork

I don't know the ins and outs of this relationship I mentioned either, to be fair. Maybe they were always going to split anyway but I know the question of where to live was a big problem. If the OP's relationship is to survive, one of them has to cut the cord with home and commit to making their life abroad. Is either of them up for that?

The impression I get from the OP is that she doesn't want to even move location in Ireland and has an attachment to her family. There's nothing wrong with that but maybe she needs to recognise where her partner is coming from and what he has given up. I'm a big believer in looking at a person's actions rather than words that come out of their mouth.

qwerty13

V true Tork. And he might have been quite happy to live here, and have a partner / his life here at a younger age - but perhaps as he grew older, the pull of family and familiarity increased. That’s not not his fault; but I guess does either partner feel willing to sacrifice family/familiarity for the other one? I’m not feeling that either does - and that’s absolutely fair enough, and definitely better recognised and dealt with sooner rather than later.

leggo

It’s mad: before I even clicked on this thread, I was thinking about how in relationships sometimes way above our heads we can identify potential problems and know what’s going to happen way ahead of time, even if it’s only on a subconscious level. It seems like that’s what’s going on here OP. The fact you’ve had conversations and seemed to have identified this as a possibility way before COVID and before it became relevant point to this.

And sadly I think you know what’s going to happen here. Like you said you don’t have a question, I just think you need a space to write it down, share it with strangers and get confirmation of what you think/know already. The fact that you don’t want to even meet him halfway and move somewhere in Ireland, I think, tells you what you need to know. He’s happy with things how they are but you’re on boards unfulfilled by the relationship and being his only social circle. That’s okay. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with him or how he likes his life, but that doesn’t leave you happy at the end, so find someone who does instead.

The small positive, that eventually you’ll see as huge if you decide to use it, is that the big takeaway here is that you’ve learned that your intuition is absolutely spot on. In future situations like this you can feel confident listening to your gut when it identifies an issue and tells you what’s most likely to happen. If you listen to that then it’ll likely save you so much time and pain in the future.

ILoveYourVibes

Tork wrote: »

The real question here isn't what the subject line says, is it? Your partner's actions all point to somebody who never saw his future in Ireland. .

It also points to someone who never saw their future with the OP therefore as he hasn't included her feelings in his future.

As you said ...maybe he didn't plan it like this. But he wasn't aware enough of himself and his needs etc.

Have your own friends tried to make him part of their group?

What about this op?