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Mil is a wagon and is destroying me and fiancé's life

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,192 ✭✭✭Tork


    If you are, then now is not the time to be having serious conversations with her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Sorry to hear that it is stressing you out so much.

    A relationship should not be such hard work and a source of stress and hassle.

    Only my opinion, but a relationship that put this sort of stress on me, I could not tolerate it.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I'm just exhausted and can't think straight

    So maybe take a step back to calm down a bit. You could suggest to your fiance that you both have a nice night in tonight - order a takeaway, crack open a bottle of wine and chill with a movie. Decompress a bit. Make it a night where you don't talk about her mother, just enjoy each others company.

    Then maybe tomorrow or in a couple of days, whenever you're thinking more rationally, have a reasonable conversation with your fiance about the issue (no name calling, cursing, ultimatums etc). Figure out how you're both going to deal with the situation as a couple. Just bare in mind that she is her mother though. Don't come out guns a blazing when you're talking about her. Agree about where you want to live together and how to deal with her mother in the future. For example, spending weekends away at her house as a couple sounds like it's probably a bad idea!


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    OP im finding it very hard to see what the mil is doing that you and yr partner cannot just nod along to and forget the minute you leave the house

    unless its behaviour *far* worse than you are describing so far then your mil is not a problem here from anything youve said

    you need to focus on what the problem is between you and your partner- what exactly is she pushing for in your living arrangements, where is the problem between this and what you want, and what issues have arisen when ye two try to solve that gap

    you keeping on about a mil without actually setting out anything other than normal parental behaviour isnt really giving us anything to go on advice wise beyond that


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Sorry to hear that it is stressing you out so much.

    A relationship should not be such hard work and a source of stress and hassle.

    Only my opinion, but a relationship that put this sort of stress on me, I could not tolerate it.

    Relationships can be hard work. Obviously you shouldn't expect them to be hard work all the time and the good times should outweigh the bad though.

    OP you shouldn't throw in the towel at the first sign of trouble. You owe it to herself and your fiance to try to work things out before giving up.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    It doesn't sound like a situation where they can agree and all be happy with the terms. Someone is going to be discommoded.

    I think the only winning strategy to these things is to not play the game.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Your fiance agrees with your description of her mother and yourself and your fiance have agreed to live in a nearby town... What has your fiance done wrong that is causing you to end the relationship?

    Your fiance has a mother on one side laying guilt trips on her and a fiance on the other side who is threatening to break up with her even though she's already compromised between you both that a move to a nearby town is the solution.

    What more can she do?


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You're in a confusing situation, and it's hard when someone outside of a relationship is making everything all about them. A firm and united front is best in dealing with people like that, consistency is key.
    I think it's important to sit down with your Fiancée and talk this out. I would suggest that you let her know you want to discuss these issues with her, and agree on a time and day so you can both have your say, without springing it on her out of the blue and possibly having an argument. It's important to remember, she is on your side, and it's not her fault her mother is behaving this way.

    But I would not make any mention at all today of the MIL, or where you will potentially move to. As others have said, you both need to have a nice evening together to unwind and recharge after an emotional weekend. Put the MIL and her issues out of your head, don't allow her to interrupt or interfere with the rest of your day, you're at home now.
    Have the conversation in a few days when your heads aren't so fried, it'll be much easier when you're settled back into your usual routine in your own home. The both of you are tired and confused, you deserve a treat, order in a takeaway and have a movie night or whatever.

    In a day or two, have the conversation. Let your Fiancée know that her mother's behaviour is messing with your head, and that you would like to have a united front in responding to MIL's demands in future.
    If you want to continue with the relationship, tell your Fiancée that you want to focus on the needs and wants of the couple, and not include someone outside of your relationship.
    Deciding on where to settle down is a big decision in itself, so you both need to weigh up the pros and cons of locations, and figure out where exactly is realistic for you to live together.
    Getting married would make the two of you a family unit, so it would be good practice now to figure out together what your next step will be.


  • Registered Users Posts: 619 ✭✭✭Meeoow


    If MIL is such a wagon, why did you stay in her house the weekend? Why didn't you let your partner go down, and you stay in Dublin?
    I never understand people who give out about their in laws, then are stuck every spare minute with them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Meeoow wrote: »
    If MIL is such a wagon, why did you stay in her house the weekend? Why didn't you let your partner go down, and you stay in Dublin?
    I never understand people who give out about their in laws, then are stuck every spare minute with them.

    I just didn't want to be away from the missus for the weekend this weekend.

    Thanks for the replies I have read each one even if I haven't replied.

    Me and the OH are going to have a nice evening in and chill out. She has decided to take a stand against her mother


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  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 962 ✭✭✭irishblessing


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I will be up at the crack of dawn and gone like a shot. The mil will never see me here again ever

    If you have kids in the future , never seeing your MIL there is an idea that goes out the window.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    I wouldn't expect a stand to last too long. Since it is all up in the air now this "stand " has been taken. You could expect it to fade away in time.

    It is not a situation I could tolerate.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,192 ✭✭✭Tork


    If your fiancée has decided to take a stand against her mother, she is going to need help and support from you and others. This book has been recommended here by other posters so I'm linking to it again https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/. I think she will need some sessions with a therapist though. Saying she wants to stand up to her is a lot easier than actually doing it. Relationships with parents are very deep and complex.


  • Registered Users Posts: 275 ✭✭bodking


    Stand up to your girlfriends mother or you'll be a subservient pussy for a few years and then angry and ashamed of yourself and finally divorced. If that's the life you want then go ahead .


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    I'll second bodkings post. This is not something that will just go away. When ye have kids she will become more invovled again.

    I can predict you putting up for it for another few years if you decide to marry, but ultimately I predict that you will end up a "dad's best friend" type character - middle aged up to the eyes in debt and kids expenses, a marriage in tatters and paying through the nose over the divorce, out of your house living in a flat.

    Call me a pessimist, but as been has said on here time and time again, there are plenty of people who had well founded doubts going into a marriage and hoping that things would settle and improve, only to be horribly disappointed when things only got worse. After a marriage, a relationship tends to deteriorate. I have never heard a story where a relationship went from stregth to strength after the marriage took place. All the experiences on Boards are to the contract.

    Anyway, I think you have gotten all the advice that is necessary. I would advise against continuing with her. Proceed at your own peril. If you are back here in 5 or 10 years with a marriage breakdown thread I will be saying I told you so.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,192 ✭✭✭Tork


    Let's not forget you said "It has left me with no faith in relationships and a complete aversion to anything with even a hint of being more than a temporary fling. My views on relationships are skewed against them as to me they have been a relentless series of abuses." OP, bear this in mind when reading advice from this particular person

    (waits for card from mods but I felt it had to be said)


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    MIL sounds annoying, the moaning about exaggerated or invented health issues is not just annoying for you, but it must be some massive guilt trip for your Fiancée. And she could probably do with someone in her corner who supports her when the guilt trip gets piled on. Your job is to bring her back to reality in a supportive way when her mother gets a bit much, be someone she leans on but what you did initially at the beginning of the thread was the opposite and you were putting pressure on her when it was coming from the other side at the same time. From now on you need to be on the same team :)

    Some of it is just MIL stuff. When someone irritates you, it's often the case that much of the stuff they are doing is something that you wouldn't notice if someone you like does it, but because it's someone who's annoying, it grates. So firstly separate out that stuff, and don't let it get to you.

    So her talking about you both moving beside her is wishful thinking out loud - you don't have to act on it. Part of that is just a Mammy thing - they all want their offspring to live closer /nearby, particularly if they are single or widowed. Most accept it, but others don't or cant. The trick is to let that in one ear and out the other. "Yes it's a pity there's no jobs around here Mary, that's this country for ya" or "Oh it's only 2 hours in the car to visit, that's no length of a journey these days with the great roads we have" and so on. Fob it off and don't let it get to you.

    When she's giving out about her ailments or if your fiancée is stressed because Mam has heart pains or whatever, it's your job to put it in perspective -if she won't go to a GP then she's an adult and must have decided she's not ill enough to waste a GP's time. Ergo, shes just having a moan for attention. If she is that ill, she needs to see a doctor. Don't indulge her with long chats or try to tell her why X pain doesn't mean that she has Y illness. She doesn't want to hear it. She wants attention. I know someone like this. I never ask how they are because that's their opening. And when they do start talking I just wait a bit and say "oh dear that doesn't sound nice. Hope it gets sorted for you soon. Shame about the weather lately isn't it" I don't indulge and she's found someone else to bend the ear of with her ailments these days.

    Also, you don't have to go to visit. My OH only sees my family at weddings and funerals or other big events, but when I go to visit family, I go on my own or bring our kid and he stays home so I get a proper catch up with my family and he's not sat there listening to some story of some cousin or neighbour he's never heard of and is bored out of his mind.

    The book above recommended by Tork is an excellent one. If the MIL does have manipulative tendencies that put pressure on your fiancée then that book helps make sense of those behaviours and help how you react to those tactics.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,830 ✭✭✭statto25


    Tork wrote: »
    If your fiancée has decided to take a stand against her mother, she is going to need help and support from you and others. This book has been recommended here by other posters so I'm linking to it again https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/. I think she will need some sessions with a therapist though. Saying she wants to stand up to her is a lot easier than actually doing it. Relationships with parents are very deep and complex.


    I only discovered that book yesterday on a different forum site. I have read this book and found it quite helpful in my own Toxic family issues https://www.amazon.com/But-Its-Your-Family-Aftermath/dp/1642790990/ref=sr_1_1?crid=22G0UZDSM35TH&dchild=1&keywords=toxic+family&qid=1598346614&s=books&sprefix=toxic+famil%2Cstripbooks-intl-ship%2C312&sr=1-1


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Tork wrote: »
    Let's not forget you said "It has left me with no faith in relationships and a complete aversion to anything with even a hint of being more than a temporary fling. My views on relationships are skewed against them as to me they have been a relentless series of abuses." OP, bear this in mind when reading advice from this particular person

    (waits for card from mods but I felt it had to be said)

    I see you are continuing the recent trend that will be the death of Boards, disagreeing with a poster and then trawling and dredging up their historical posts by them for you to use against them in your arguement. Bravo.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Tork and TheBoyConor that's enough.

    Tork, if you want to counter the advice someone has given, please do it in line with the Charter. Otherwise it drags the thread off topic.

    TheBoyConor, We are here to help an OP who is troubled enough to start a thread and seek advice on an issue that's impacting them. It's up to the OP to decide what advice is most appropriate to them at the end of the day. Threatening them with I told you so because it'll all go wrong if they don't follow your advice is harsh and unnecessary.

    Please bear the above in mind.

    Thanks

    HS


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  • Registered Users Posts: 514 ✭✭✭laserlad2010


    What in the seven hells is going on in this thread?!

    OP, for the love of god stop posting one liners. IF you want advice from us, sit down and type out a proper post giving us enough detail to help:

    - Your relationship with fiance
    - Relationship with MIL
    - Issues with MIL including examples of difficult behaviour
    - What you want to happen
    - Some attempt at objective analysis of your behaviour

    Otherwise this is frustrating - we can't help you until you give us a coherent picture.


  • Registered Users Posts: 263 ✭✭lunamoon


    Other than saying she wants you to live closer to her she doesn't sound like the MIL from hell.

    You can't afford to live in Dublin so stop using your MIL as an excuse as to why you are living where you are currently living.


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