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Mil is a wagon and is destroying me and fiancé's life

124

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,830 ✭✭✭statto25


    While I agree with the folks who say the ultimatum text is childish, I do think you need to lay it all on the line to your fiance but not in the form of a "your mother or me" type of threat.
    Write out what you want to say and sit down with her and explain that you don't want to move to the country for all the reasons you explained above. Leave the mother in law bit out of it and just focus on your reasons. If she still wants to move then you need to decide is this what you want from your life.
    I am in no doubt that if you move the MIL will become a permanent fixture in your lives.
    Is your fiance afraid of her mother? Has she any other siblings who experience something similar or is this a "Golden Child" type of control. Ive been on the wrong side of a situation like this but the MIL was in fact my own mother who was doing the controlling. It didn't end well let me tell you that and I'm only at the beginning of the backlash


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    statto25 wrote: »
    While I agree with the folks who say the ultimatum text is childish, I do think you need to lay it all on the line to your fiance but not in the form of a "your mother or me" type of threat.
    Write out what you want to say and sit down with her and explain that you don't want to move to the country for all the reasons you explained above. Leave the mother in law bit out of it and just focus on your reasons. If she still wants to move then you need to decide is this what you want from your life.
    I am in no doubt that if you move the MIL will become a permanent fixture in your lives.
    Is your fiance afraid of her mother? Has she any other siblings who experience something similar or is this a "Golden Child" type of control. Ive been on the wrong side of a situation like this but the MIL was in fact my own mother who was doing the controlling. It didn't end well let me tell you that and I'm only at the beginning of the backlash

    No other siblings I'm afraid


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,830 ✭✭✭statto25


    Right so the MIL is trying to regain/retain control by getting you both to move closer. As I said above, a long and difficult conversation is needed with your fiance. You mentioned "crocodile tears" so be prepared for this rather than react to it. Explain yourself and hopefully you both will be able to work it out together


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    statto25 wrote: »
    Right so the MIL is trying to regain/retain control by getting you both to move closer. As I said above, a long and difficult conversation is needed with your fiance. You mentioned "crocodile tears" so be prepared for this rather than react to it. Explain yourself and hopefully you both will be able to work it out together

    Going having the chat with the missus shortly...any tips/advice?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 692 ✭✭✭unhappys10


    If she gives in to mothers demands in this conversation I'd be thinking long and hard about the future.
    Not fair being so far from your work and parents.
    Tough life ahead if you give in to this.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,830 ✭✭✭statto25


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    Going having the chat with the missus shortly...any tips/advice?


    Keep the head anyway! Just make your points about the commute and your need to be close to the hospitals. Both of those are very valid reasons in my opinion. Dont get into the whole MIL thing unless its brought up, that can be addressed later


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    OP you've said that you and your wife have agreed that you'd live in the town near the mother. You'd like to live in Dublin, but can't afford it. So what you've agreed makes sense, especially if you can live with the commute. You need to live somewhere, so why not this town as it's closer to your partners mother, since it sounds like your own family live too far away.

    So now the mother has said she'd like for you to live even closer to her. From her perspective, I can understand her asking. You keep saying she's a wagon, but it sounds like the only crime she has committed is asking if her only daughter would consider living close by. After all, she lives alone in the back arse of nowhere as you've said.

    But just because she asks, doesn't mean the two of you need to agree to this. So where is the real issue? Has your partner agreed to move closer without consulting you? Did she go to bed crying because of pressure from the mother or because of a fight you both had? It sounds like communication between the two of you is the real issue. Sending an ultimate by text was a really poor and immature move. I also think you need to ask yourself if you really love this woman, because there is nothing to indicate that from your posts here.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    Going having the chat with the missus shortly...any tips/advice?

    Apologise for sending an ultimatum by text.

    Talk about the the fact that you've both already agreed to a compromise by living in a town near the mother and that you're happy to stick to what you both agreed (assuming you are?) and that neither of you should let pressure from her mother influence your decision further.

    At the end of the conversation you want to make sure that you're a united front, on the same page and that your fiance won't bow to pressure from her mother. Although that last part may be easier said that done if the mother is emotionally manipulative, so your partner will need your emotional support in all of this.

    Also, make sure to listen to your partner. I mean really listen. If she has doubts about what you've already agreed, you should talk it through like adults.

    Oh and don't call her mother a wagon when you're talking to your partner. Even if she is, she's still her mother and it won't help the conversation at all...


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,512 ✭✭✭Treppen


    Sounds like "My Fiancé is destroying my relationship with my mother".


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    woodchuck wrote: »
    OP you've said that you and your wife have agreed that you'd live in the town near the mother. You'd like to live in Dublin, but can't afford it. So what you've agreed makes sense, especially if you can live with the commute. You need to live somewhere, so why not this town as it's closer to your partners mother, since it sounds like your own family live too far away.

    So now the mother has said she'd like for you to live even closer to her. From her perspective, I can understand her asking. You keep saying she's a wagon, but it sounds like the only crime she has committed is asking if her only daughter would consider living close by. After all, she lives alone in the back arse of nowhere as you've said.

    But just because she asks, doesn't mean the two of you need to agree to this. So where is the real issue? Has your partner agreed to move closer without consulting you? Did she go to bed crying because of pressure from the mother or because of a fight you both had? It sounds like communication between the two of you is the real issue. Sending an ultimate by text was a really poor and immature move. I also think you need to ask yourself if you really love this woman, because there is nothing to indicate that from your posts here.

    I love this woman with my heart and I want to spend the rest of my days with her

    I will apologise for the ultimatum, it was sent in anger ill have to work on keeping the head

    She has emotionally abused my fiancé over the years (eg. Over weight is one example) and I'm sure she is feigning illness half the time for sympathy


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    If this is the state of things before ye marry, then what is it going to be like after?

    The reality is, things only get worse not better after a couple marry. When did you ever hear a couple say that their relationsip improved dramatically after their marriage?

    I think things get worse because after marriage the view is taken that, well we are irrevocably manacled together now, I have them, they will have no choice but to accept more demands because the option of backing out has a lot more consequences.

    Op, as the saying goes, i think the writing is on the wall here.....
    Take the necessary steps.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My only suggestion is that you and your fiance need to be on the same page when dealing with MIL and presenting a united front. Whether its about where to live or whatever else comes up, and trust me, a lot comes up in life. You are together and your decisions are made together. Leave and cleave as they say.

    If your MIL is used to getting her own way and controlling your fiance then she might find this quite hard but you are both in for a very tough time if your fiance is forever bowing to the MIL's demands.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,190 ✭✭✭Tork


    There are two things going on here. The location for where you're planning to live and your fiancee's relationship with her mother.

    On the where to live bit, it's a no-brainer that you need to live somewhere that you're both happy with and is as near to Dublin/hospitals as possible.

    Your fiancee's relationship with her mother is a much more problematic issue. I fear that unless she learns how to deal with her in a better way than she is, the MIL will poison your marriage and possibly bring it to an end. She has to acknowledge that there is a problem though and work out what to do next. Maybe the damage is so deep, she needs to get some professional help. I've seen this book recommended here a few times (Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward) and maybe that's a good place to start. Maybe you should read it yourself first to understand better what's going on here.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,039 ✭✭✭✭listermint


    One thing's for sure and it's common in personal forum. You only hear one version of events.a

    Someone standing at the side of these interactions may be entirely different.

    One person's emotionally abusive is another person's slightly over helpful interference.

    We don't know what the mothers interactions are like at all. She may have no ill feeling and just brining up ways for you guys to get a house of which you can't right now as you said yourself in Dublin. I mean there's perception and reality. Often taking a few steps back and rationalising conversations is more appropriate than wilfully jumping into responses. Humans are often emotional and not often rationale. I suspect alot of this to be the case here.


  • Registered Users Posts: 254 ✭✭micah537


    Couples counseling might help air out a lot of problems for ye. Sometimes talks at home can go ultra defensive/offensive and rash decisions are made.


    At the end of the day, it should be a couple against the world not against each other.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    listermint wrote: »
    One thing's for sure and it's common in personal forum. You only hear one version of events.a

    Someone standing at the side of these interactions may be entirely different.

    One person's emotionally abusive is another person's slightly over helpful interference.

    We don't know what the mothers interactions are like at all. She may have no ill feeling and just brining up ways for you guys to get a house of which you can't right now as you said yourself in Dublin. I mean there's perception and reality. Often taking a few steps back and rationalising conversations is more appropriate than wilfully jumping into responses. Humans are often emotional and not often rationale. I suspect alot of this to be the case here.

    Yes I understand that but my OH agrees with my description of her mother so it's not just me

    As another poster said the writings on the wall, I'm going to consider ending this relationship


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    If you are planning a wedding, and you have having to think about and re-consider whether to go ahead with it, then that fact in itself is very much a "keep out" sign and is more than enough justification to not proceed with marriage and terminate the relationship.

    A marriage is not something to go into with doubts. If you have doubts, then that is a sign that you should not proceed. And you very clearly have doubts. Great big doubts with flashing lights and blaring sirens on them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    If you are planning a wedding, and you have having to think about and re-consider whether to go ahead with it, then that fact in itself is very much a "keep out" sign and is more than enough justification to not proceed with marriage and terminate the relationship.

    A marriage is not something to go into with doubts. If you have doubts, then that is a sign that you should not proceed. And you very clearly have doubts. Great big doubts with flashing lights and blaring sirens on them.

    But I love this woman with all my heart, how do I proceed?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,190 ✭✭✭Tork


    So if you love her with all your heart, why are you thinking about ending the relationship?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    You just have to have a discussion with her and tell her that, due to the circumstances and the lack of the agreement being made and upheld and your wishes and concerns not being respected, both by her and her mother, that you have lost confidence in the relationship and that you cannot, in good conscience, enter into a massive, life altering and lifelong marriage with her. Tell her you are not confident that it is going to work out and that you fear that the situation could deteriorate even further after the marriage is sealed.
    Tell her that you need to put yourself first because of the health issues, which you are perfectly entitled and right to do. You need to take care of your health. Nobody is going to thank you in years to come for sacrificing your health for them.

    It is not going to be easy, but the sooner you grasp the nettle and get it done, the sooner everyone will move on. It will be a difficult and upsetting time.
    So if you love her with all your heart, why are you thinking about ending the relationship?

    Because there is a dealbreaker and the gravity of his healthcare needs is not being respected by the partner and her mother.

    Maybe I am set in my ways, but there is no way I could tolerate my life being dictated, persuaded and coerced in the manner that the partner and her mother jointly are doing to op, even if they are unwittingly doing it.

    Make no mistake about it, when a marriage goes down the pan, on average the man ends up in a far worse position than the woman. I doubt the OP wants the hassle and stress of a divorce thrown on top of all the healthcare issues he already has to deal with where he already has to row against the tide it seems.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,190 ✭✭✭Tork


    You are also a poster who has openly admitted to having a jaundiced view of relationships and no longer wants anything but casual flings in your own life.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Home & Garden Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 22,251 CMod ✭✭✭✭Pawwed Rig


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    But I love this woman with all my heart, how do I proceed?

    Pull your horns in a bit. You need to talk to her before making any decisions. Any decisions you do make should be thought about over a longer period than 24 hours


  • Registered Users Posts: 29,814 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    I am a little lost in one area. How persistent has the mother in law to be about you moving near her?
    Lot's of mothers want their kid to live near them and they might express this to them but they general understand or get over it when their kid moves somewhere else.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I love this woman with my heart and I want to spend the rest of my days with her
    Milsawagon wrote: »
    As another poster said the writings on the wall, I'm going to consider ending this relationship

    OP you seem really confused here.

    Do you love your fiance enough to work through the issues? If so, then I would strongly recommend couples counselling as it sounds like you have issues communicating with each other. So a counselor might be able to facilitate some sort of meaningful discussions between you both.

    It really would be a shame to throw away a relationship with a woman who you say you love with all of your heart, just because her mother is causing issues. If her mother wasn't an issue, would you be questioning the relationship at all? I'm guessing not.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,292 ✭✭✭TheBoyConor


    Tork wrote: »
    You are also a poster who has openly admitted to having a jaundiced view of relationships and no longer wants anything but casual flings in your own life.

    I am a realist. I have seen far too many good men, and women, emotionally destroyed by the attrition and eventual implosion of an ill advised and unwanted marriage. There are plenty of stories in this thread alone about such situations.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    woodchuck wrote: »
    OP you seem really confused here.

    Do you love your fiance enough to work through the issues? If so, then I would strongly recommend couples counselling as it sounds like you have issues communicating with each other. So a counselor might be able to facilitate some sort of meaningful discussions between you both.

    It really would be a shame to throw away a relationship with a woman who you say you love with all of your heart, just because her mother is causing issues. If her mother wasn't an issue, would you be questioning the relationship at all? I'm guessing not.

    No you're correct, if the mother was out of the picture I would not be questioning it at all, not one bit


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    I am a little lost in one area. How persistent has the mother in law to be about you moving near her?
    Lot's of mothers want their kid to live near them and they might express this to them but they general understand or get over it when their kid moves somewhere else.

    Very. Turning on the tears. I wouldn't have an issue but there's no fcuking jobs for me outside of Dublin nevermind the back arse of nowhere


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,190 ✭✭✭Tork


    So why are you thinking about breaking up with the woman you want to marry if there's a possibility the situation with her mother can be resolved? Are you normally prone to making rash decisions?

    What isn't clear in all of this is what steps you and your fiancee have taken to try and deal with her relationship with her mother. Does she acknowledge there is a problem? Has she told you what she'd like? Does she recognise that her mother is a threat to you as a couple? She is strangely absent from this thread, even though she is the person who is the buffer between you and the MiL.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,190 ✭✭✭Tork


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    Very. Turning on the tears. I wouldn't have an issue but there's no fcuking jobs for me outside of Dublin nevermind the back arse of nowhere

    Using heated language like this isn't going to help anybody. Especially if this is the way you communicate with your fiancee. You seem to be a bit hot-headed.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Tork wrote: »
    Using heated language like this isn't going to help anybody. Especially if this is the way you communicate with your fiancee. You seem to be a bit hot-headed.

    I'm just exhausted and can't think straight


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