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Mil is a wagon and is destroying me and fiancé's life

135

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Get your rest and talk to your fiancée after work tomorrow.
    Don't be starting that discussion on route to work tomorrow!
    You'll only go into work in sour form.
    Best of luck OP.

    We're both working from home tomorrow :(


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    I'm really questioning whether I want to marry this girl anymore :(

    I really want to live in Dublin as I need the medical services


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I'm really questioning whether I want to marry this girl anymore :(

    I really want to live in Dublin as I need the medical services

    Surely you knew that before you agreed to the 'compromise '. As did she


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    I think your mad for making any compromise with the mil in mind. Your marrying the daughter not the mother.

    So you made the compromise, the the mil is still not happy, why would you even entertain the talk of moving another inch.

    It's simple, tell your fiancé you made a compromise and the buck stops there - the subject isn't up for any further discussion. If she is happy listening to the mil whinging in her ear, leave her to it, but you won't entertain it.

    Make a stand before you walk down the aisle, things get even more complicated after. Dealing with inlaws is all part of being married, pampering to their whims isn't.

    Compromising in relationships and marriage makes for a happy life. Giving into unreasonable demands from mil's is a recipe for diaster.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    I'm actually so confused now

    The missus is away to bed crying, she had to run an errand then the mother started on me again.

    Like I said, wagon

    I won't be able to sleep tonight


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  • Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I'm actually so confused now

    The missus is away to bed crying, she had to run an errand then the mother started on me again.

    Like I said, wagon

    I won't be able to sleep tonight

    Is she being verbally abusive? Why are you staying there?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I'm actually so confused now

    The missus is away to bed crying, she had to run an errand then the mother started on me again.

    Like I said, wagon

    I won't be able to sleep tonight

    Head to bed and watch a movie or read a book. Next time the misus wants to visit, drop her off at the train station, bus stop or give her the car.

    Head early, if your driving take a few deep breaths before you start.

    Good luck OP


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    Is she being verbally abusive? Why are you staying there?

    More so emotionally abusive and manipulative


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Head to bed and watch a movie or read a book. Next time the misus wants to visit, drop her off at the train station, bus stop or give her the car.

    Head early, if your driving take a few deep breaths before you start.

    Good luck OP

    I will be up at the crack of dawn and gone like a shot. The mil will never see me here again ever


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,237 ✭✭✭StevenToast


    Get yourself off boards and get a good nights kip...no one has answers here..

    "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining." - Fletcher



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  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Get yourself off boards and get a good nights kip...no one has answers here..

    I suppose not but it is good to vent anonymously and hear people's opinions


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,400 ✭✭✭Penfailed


    Pawwed Rig wrote: »
    A 90 minute commute is mental btw

    No, it's not. A 90 minute commute on a bus is a breeze. I do more than that in a car...and with regard to your follow up post, I'm not in my 20s and I have kids. It's grand.

    Gigs '21 - Stendhal Festival (July), Stendhal Festival (August), [s]Liam Gallagher & Idles[/s], King Kong Company, Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs, The Undertones, And So I Watch You From Afar

    Gigs '22 - And So I Watch You From Afar, Teenage Fanclub, Mogwai, Stendhal Festival, The Fratellis, Clutch, Kurt Vile & The Violators, Electric Picnic, Vantastival, The Cure, And So I Watch You From Afar

    Gigs '23 - Stiff Little Fingers, The Wood Burning Savages, Bob Log III, David Kitt, Ludovico Einaudi, DADDY LONG LEGS, The Prodigy, Stendhal Festival, Forest Fest, Electric Picnic, The Murder Capital, PJ Harvey, The Bonnevilles (w/Amy Montgomery, Rews, New Pagans), The Undertones (w/Buzzcocks), And So I Watch You From Afar

    Gigs '24 - Ben Ottewell and Ian Ball (Gomez), The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Smashing Pumpkins/Weezer, Pearl Jam, Green Day, Stendhal Festival, Forest Fest, Electric Picnic, Ride, PJ Harvey, Pixies, Therapy?, IDLES(x2)



  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Penfailed wrote: »
    No, it's not. A 90 minute commute on a bus is a breeze. I do more than that in a car...and with regard to your follow up post, I'm not in my 20s and I have kids. It's grand.

    I usually get a kip anytime im on a bus to be honest


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    More so emotionally abusive and manipulative

    I'll repeat the question. Why are you tolerating that? What are you doing in her house? Are you living there at the moment?


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,400 ✭✭✭Penfailed


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I usually get a kip anytime im on a bus to be honest

    Exactly. I'd do the same! :D

    Gigs '21 - Stendhal Festival (July), Stendhal Festival (August), [s]Liam Gallagher & Idles[/s], King Kong Company, Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs, The Undertones, And So I Watch You From Afar

    Gigs '22 - And So I Watch You From Afar, Teenage Fanclub, Mogwai, Stendhal Festival, The Fratellis, Clutch, Kurt Vile & The Violators, Electric Picnic, Vantastival, The Cure, And So I Watch You From Afar

    Gigs '23 - Stiff Little Fingers, The Wood Burning Savages, Bob Log III, David Kitt, Ludovico Einaudi, DADDY LONG LEGS, The Prodigy, Stendhal Festival, Forest Fest, Electric Picnic, The Murder Capital, PJ Harvey, The Bonnevilles (w/Amy Montgomery, Rews, New Pagans), The Undertones (w/Buzzcocks), And So I Watch You From Afar

    Gigs '24 - Ben Ottewell and Ian Ball (Gomez), The Jesus & Mary Chain, The Smashing Pumpkins/Weezer, Pearl Jam, Green Day, Stendhal Festival, Forest Fest, Electric Picnic, Ride, PJ Harvey, Pixies, Therapy?, IDLES(x2)



  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    I'll repeat the question. Why are you tolerating that? What are you doing in her house? Are you living there at the moment?

    No just visiting for the weekend, as I said, I won't be visiting ever again. Not putting up with this bull**** anymore


  • Registered Users Posts: 34,144 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Penfailed wrote: »
    No, it's not. A 90 minute commute on a bus is a breeze. I do more than that in a car...and with regard to your follow up post, I'm not in my 20s and I have kids. It's grand.

    It is mental, you just haven't realised yet.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    o1s1n wrote: »
    It is mental, you just haven't realised yet.

    There's no real alternative, we're priced out of Dublin anyway


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,378 ✭✭✭✭Sardonicat


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    No just visiting for the weekend, as I said, I won't be visiting ever again. Not putting up with this bull**** anymore

    You know you'll never get a moment"s peace if you livr near this woman, right? And your partner will never get a moment's peace til she learns to detach from her. If this has been her mother's behaviour for her life your partner will need therapy to overcome this emotional abuse. Please do not entry into a marriage with her until your partner addresses her relationship with her mother.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    Sardonicat wrote: »
    You know you'll never get a moment"s peace if you livr near this woman, right? And your partner will never get a moment's peace til she learns to detach from her. If this has been her mother's behaviour for her life your partner will need therapy to overcome this emotional abuse. Please do not entry into a marriage with her until your partner addresses her relationship with her mother.

    Good advice thank you


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,029 ✭✭✭SusieBlue


    Can you imagine the level of interference and meddling she’ll attempt if you choose to have kids?
    She’s clearly arrogant enough to assume she can dictate and manipulate you and your partner into doing whatever suits her. This isn’t going to go away, it’s only going to get worse.

    She doesn’t seem to have any respect for boundaries and her behaviour is unreasonable. If your wife to be can’t or won’t stand up to her then I’d be seriously rethinking this relationship.
    The whole thing sounds toxic and ye aren’t even married yet, I can only imagine how much more ‘persuasive’ she’ll get after her daughter has a ring on her finger.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,599 ✭✭✭The J Stands for Jay


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

    If you add your commute time to your working hours and then use that as a basis to calculate your hourly earnings, you'll see it needs to be affordable housing because you're earning **** all


  • Registered Users Posts: 223 ✭✭pinktoe


    Tomorrow before your talk, have some basic plan done out for yourself. If your renting, who moves out? If its you, can you afford to move out and will you realistically be able to sort somewhere fast? The last thing you need is the mammy coming up to comfort her for a few days while your moving out if it comes to that. I'm not suggesting staying together for convenience, but have a plan.

    Think of 3 years time. Will you be happy with someone else or potentially being on your own? If you stay together will you be happy with your life and three person marriage?

    It easy for us to say run and never look back, but weigh out everything. Possibly suggest couples counselling tomorrow. Even counselling for yourself for an hour or two to put things into perspective. Going by your posts, your miserable but away from the mil, is life good?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,599 ✭✭✭The J Stands for Jay


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

    Just because everyone else is an idiot, etc.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    McGaggs wrote: »
    If you add your commute time to your working hours and then use that as a basis to calculate your hourly earnings, you'll see it needs to be affordable housing because you're reserving **** all

    My pays pretty good and not much stress


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,203 ✭✭✭Tork


    What exactly would your timetable for commuting be? I've a friend who ended up taking a lower paid job closer to home because his commute to Dublin nearly broke him. He was catching a train which left before 7am, then had to get from the station into town for 9am. By the time he got home and had something to eat, it was after 8pm. Then he had feck all time left in the evening before going to bed early, for that early start the next morning. In the winter time, he barely saw daylight at all. This was a guy who was single at the time. Imagine what the stress would've been if he'd had his kids at the time?


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Milsawagon


    pinktoe wrote: »
    Tomorrow before your talk, have some basic plan done out for yourself. If your renting, who moves out? If its you, can you afford to move out and will you realistically be able to sort somewhere fast? The last thing you need is the mammy coming up to comfort her for a few days while your moving out if it comes to that. I'm not suggesting staying together for convenience, but have a plan.

    Think of 3 years time. Will you be happy with someone else or potentially being on your own? If you stay together will you be happy with your life and three person marriage?

    It easy for us to say run and never look back, but weigh out everything. Possibly suggest couples counselling tomorrow. Even counselling for yourself for an hour or two to put things into perspective. Going by your posts, your miserable but away from the mil, is life good?

    Yes life is good without her for sure

    I'm off to sleep guys thank you for your advice I will check in if anyone has any further input in the morning.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It seems to me that you’re emotionally abusive. You’re so dramatic, hiding away, sulking, never going back, texting ultimatums. Why would anyone think that any of that is in any way helpful? It’s perfectly normal for her to want to spend time with her mother. Perhaps her mother is really worried about her daughter being stuck with someone who behaves like you do?

    My advice is to break up, you move back to Dublin nice and close to the hospitals that you need. Find yourself a Dublin girl, or nobody. Leave your fiancé in peace to find someone decent.

    She’s in bed crying? Why? Because of you! You can’t control your mother in law but you can control your own reactions which seem to be really nasty. Your fiancé deserves better than to be bullied by you. Apart from her mother saying that it would be nice if you lived closer, you haven’t given a single example of how she’s unpleasant or abnormal.

    Seriously, cancel the wedding, break up and go back to Dublin. No more mother in law, no more commute, no more distance from the hospital and no more crying fiancé. Couldn’t be more straightforward.


  • Registered Users Posts: 29,864 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn


    I can’t comment on this situation for certain but I have experienced similar in the past and a common thing was that the the persons partner actually agreed with there mother and they sort of used them as a scape goat to move back near home when their parter didn’t really want to.
    I hope that makes sense.
    So in this situation your partner wants to live near mammy and she knows you don’t so she sort of makes mammy out to be the bad guy.
    It’s similar in our shop. We could tell customers


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,599 ✭✭✭The J Stands for Jay


    Milsawagon wrote: »
    My pays pretty good and not much stress

    So, if you were earning €50k pa, you could calculate your hourly rate as 50 / 260 / 7.5 = €25.64 per hour. If you tack on your commute it becomes 50 / 260 / (7.5 + 3) = €19.23 per hour, which doesn't seem as good.


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