Mil is a wagon and is destroying me and fiancé's life

Milsawagon

Posting under anon account here

Basically my soon to be, separated mother in law is a wagon

Me and the other half live and work in Dublin. The mil is unhappy about this and wants us to move to the back arse of nowhere. She even turns on the tears.

Me and the missus compromised on a town nearby but that's not good enough

I have complex health needs that need to be seen to in Dublin on a regular basis. My family are 200m away from this new location, am I the ass hole here?

I'm ****ing fed up of this **** it makes me wish I was marrying someone from Dublin instead

I'm at a loss what to do so any advice is appreciated and thank you in advance

Milsawagon

Sorry 200miles not meters

Atlantic Dawn

You have to just put the foot down and tell her you will live where you like, whether that means she accepts it or doesn't the ball is in her court.

Purple Mountain

Why would the 2 of you compromise on a town nearby?
Is your fiancée bowing to her mother's wishes?
Just stay in Dublin if you both want to and have jobs/home there.

pinktoe

Harsh but get rid of her.

Imagine your life when MIL gets sick (genuine or fake), herself will give up job to look after her.

Giving her a choice of you or her mother will only be a temporary fix.

screamer

If your fiancé can’t stand up to her mother, just forget it. I know first hand the damage that in laws like this do to your relationship and the divided loyalties they cause. I’d compromise on nothing, you don’t owe her. Unfortunately it does come down to a her or you choice for your fiancé but don’t be a doormat.

unhappys10

Tell her to keep her nose out, nip this in the bud now or you are in for a crap life from here on in.
If your GF is giving in to what the mother wants I'd strongly consider leaving her.

You're an adult, live where you want.

Myself and my wife are renting, 5mins from her parents but 45 from mine. Our forever home is going to be somewhere between that is a fair compromise, no way would I accept being beside her parents if it meant being so far from mine just because her mother is a bitch.

Milsawagon

pinktoe wrote: »

Harsh but get rid of her.

Imagine your life when MIL gets sick (genuine or fake), herself will give up job to look after her.

Giving her a choice of you or her mother will only be a temporary fix.

Get rid of the missus?

I'm currently hiding in my room as the mil launched into a tirade again 'wouldn't it be nice if you lived down the road or across the field'

I won't be visiting again ever. Next time I'll see her is at the wedding, that's if it goes ahead.

I text the missus it's a choice between our marriage or the mother

Milsawagon

Thanks for all the replies BTW I'm very interested in your opinions

JJayoo

She will be moving in with you soon

Milsawagon

JJayoo wrote: »

She will be moving in with you soon

Over my dead body

Purple Mountain

You're a grown man hiding out in your own house?
Is your mother in law currently visiting you in Dublin then?
Where is she staying tonight?

unhappys10

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You're a grown man hiding out in your own house?
Is your mother in law currently visiting you in Dublin then?
Where is she staying tonight?

Sounds like in her house?

Milsawagon

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You're a grown man hiding out in your own house?
Is your mother in law currently visiting you in Dublin then?
Where is she staying tonight?

No, her house. Better than listening to bull****. We leave for Dublin in the morning

Pawwed Rig

Milsawagon wrote: »

I text the missus it's a choice between our marriage or the mother

As opposed to talking to her??
This does not sound like a very mature relationship. Neither of you seem able to be behave in an adult manner with respect to this issue.
You seriously moved just to try and keep your girlfriends mother happy?

You both need to have a long hard think about what matters to each of you and what you want from life. Testing ultimatums is no way to run a relationship.

Tork

What's your fiancée's position on this? Talk of breaking up with her is drastic and hopefully it won't come to this. The ball is in her court because it's her mother and she is the one who has control over the relationship you (plural) have with her. If the mother is calling the shots and she is unwilling or unable to stop her encroaching on your life, then you have some thinking to do. Before pulling the plug on this, is there any help your fiancée can get to become more assertive and to handle her mother?

pinktoe

Milsawagon wrote: »

Get rid of the missus?

I'm currently hiding in my room as the mil launched into a tirade again 'wouldn't it be nice if you lived down the road or across the field'

I won't be visiting again ever. Next time I'll see her is at the wedding, that's if it goes ahead.

I text the missus it's a choice between our marriage or the mother

Going out with someone who has an abusive mother means the mother clicks her fingers and little girl comes running.
Imagine living across the field, every Sunday having dinner at their house after working a full week and no getting out of it. Imagine family relatives coming to visit and the mother would just say "oh sure you can stay with my daughter and husband for a week, sure he can take a week off work and drive ye around the place".

I'd be running but it's only you who can make and live with the choice. In your opening post, your second last line says it all.

If ye built a house it would probably be the mother telling ye what furniture to buy and what colours to paint it.

Rubberchikken

Is she separated long?
Have you known her a while?
Sorry for the questions but I'm wondering if she's always been like this or is it a new thing.


Is there any way all three of you could sit down and discuss this like adults.
Her behavior is affecting your life and your future wife's life and may get worse with age and grandchildren.

Milsawagon

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As opposed to talking to her??
This does not sound like a very mature relationship. Neither of you seem able to be behave in an adult manner with respect to this issue.
You seriously moved just to try and keep your girlfriends mother happy?

You both need to have a long hard think about what matters to each of you and what you want from life. Testing ultimatums is no way to run a relationship.

I've had this talk with her so many times now and that's when we came to a compromise.

But I agree some hard thinking is required

Milsawagon

pinktoe wrote: »

Going out with someone who has an abusive mother means the mother clicks her fingers and little girl comes running.
Imagine living across the field, every Sunday having dinner at their house after working a full week and no getting out of it. Imagine family relatives coming to visit and the mother would just say "oh sure you can stay with my daughter and husband for a week, sure he can take a week off work and drive ye around the place".

I'd be running but it's only you who can make and live with the choice. In your opening post, your second last line says it all.

If ye built a house it would probably be the mother telling ye what furniture to buy and what colours to paint it.

Agreed. It'd be a fcuking nightmare. Plus theres no jobs anywhere in my field

Idle Passerby

You haven't mentioned your fiances position on this, that's going to be a big decider on whether the marriage has any chance. I'm assuming, since your giving ultimatums that she's fine with her mother's demands. If that's the case I wouldn't have high hopes.

Either way, you throwing a sulk and hiding in a bedroom in someone else's house, throwing out ultimatums is really immature. If I was your girlfriend I'd be mortified. It's not going to win you any brownie points with her or her family.

Milsawagon

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Is she separated long?
Have you known her a while?
Sorry for the questions but I'm wondering if she's always been like this or is it a new thing.


Is there any way all three of you could sit down and discuss this like adults.
Her behavior is affecting your life and your future wife's life and may get worse with age and grandchildren.

Shé is separated 20 years and I don't blame her husband because she is an absolute wagon. You may say I'm biased but come live with her for a week and see

Milsawagon

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You haven't mentioned your fiances position on this, that's going to be a big decider on whether the marriage has any chance. I'm assuming, since your giving ultimatums that she's fine with her mother's demands. If that's the case I wouldn't have high hopes.

Either way, you throwing a sulk and hiding in a bedroom in someone else's house, throwing out ultimatums is really immature. If I was your girlfriend I'd be mortified. It's not going to win you any brownie points with her or her family.

Her position is the compromise we agreed, I'm not sulking I'm just not in the mood to listen to any more bull****

Pawwed Rig

Milsawagon wrote: »

I've had this talk with her so many times now and that's when we came to a compromise.

But I agree some hard thinking is required

No point in giving ultimatums if they are meaningless. You know what you have to do here

Milsawagon

Idle Passerby wrote: »

You haven't mentioned your fiances position on this, that's going to be a big decider on whether the marriage has any chance. I'm assuming, since your giving ultimatums that she's fine with her mother's demands. If that's the case I wouldn't have high hopes.

Either way, you throwing a sulk and hiding in a bedroom in someone else's house, throwing out ultimatums is really immature. If I was your girlfriend I'd be mortified. It's not going to win you any brownie points with her or her family.

And crocodile tears

Milsawagon

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

No point in giving ultimatums if they are meaningless. You know what you have to do here

Which is?

Purple Mountain

Your partner wants ye to move somewhere where you can't even get a job?
OK I get it if your partner is very unhappy in Dublin and wants to get back to the country.
But if she's only compromising to please her mother and is taking ye both away from your income, then come on, open your eyes!
They're both running your life.

Milsawagon

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Your partner wants ye to move somewhere where you can't even get a job?
OK I get it if your partner is very unhappy in Dublin and wants to get back to the country.
But if she's only compromising to please her mother and is taking ye both away from your income, then come on, open your eyes!
They're both running your life.

Yes it is the back arse of nowhere, nó jobs for me except for Dublin. The compromise is a 1.5hr commute to Dublin

Gruffalux

Milsawagon wrote: »

Yes it is the back arse of nowhere, nó jobs for me except for Dublin. The compromise is a 1.5hr commute to Dublin

How are your complex health needs going to respond to 3 hours daily in a car commuting? How could you ever rear children with this level of outside manipulation? I would postpone marriage and see if ye can live happily as independent people who broker no interference from the MIL, and if it looks like that cannot happen, then have a serious think about things.

Milsawagon

Gruffalox wrote: »

How are your complex health needs going to respond to 3 hours daily in a car commuting? How could you ever rear children with this level of outside manipulation? I would postpone marriage and see if ye can live happily as independent people who broker no interference from the MIL, and if it looks like that cannot happen, then have a serious think about things.

It would be by bus the commute

I need to be in close proximity to Dublin hospitals specifically St jamses

Hannibal_Smith

She said 'wouldn't it be nice if you lived nearby', how is that a tirade?

Why are you hiding from her and giving your fiance ultimatums? Does your wife want to move? Is your fiance asking you to move?

Milsawagon

Gruffalox wrote: »

How are your complex health needs going to respond to 3 hours daily in a car commuting? How could you ever rear children with this level of outside manipulation? I would postpone marriage and see if ye can live happily as independent people who broker no interference from the MIL, and if it looks like that cannot happen, then have a serious think about things.

We've spent so much on the bloody wedding so far...

micah537

I met an ex when we were both in college and moved in together when we graduated and came across the same crap. I needed to live in a city (any city would do) and then her mother wanted us closer to her, and her dad wold give us a site blah blah blah. I was an architect but the site we were being giving had PP for a bland county dump. It pissed me off tbh that I wasn't "allowed" to design our dream home but instead her parents dream home.



My dad's advise was actually legendary. Agree to it but tell her you want to get married in the Caribbean, Australia or somewhere in Asia on beach, just the two of us, no parents, no friends. They were also religious so he said to tell her we are naming our first son after a Greek God and not to baptise him.



I was single soon after and met an independent, open minded lady who is on the same page as me.

Milsawagon

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

She said 'wouldn't it be nice if you lived nearby', how is that a tirade?

Why are you hiding from her and giving your fiance ultimatums? Does your wife want to move? Is your fiance asking you to move?

She went on further than that I just can't bear to get into it again

Tbh I've an early start back to Dublin so I'm only in bed a short while early. My fiancé agreed to the compromise

Milsawagon

micah537 wrote: »

I met an ex when we were both in college and moved in together when we graduated and came across the same crap. I needed to live in a city (any city would do) and then her mother wanted us closer to her, and her dad wold give us a site blah blah blah. I was an architect but the site we were being giving had PP for a bland county dump. It pissed me off tbh that I wasn't "allowed" to design our dream home but instead her parents dream home.



My dad's advise was actually legendary. Agree to it but tell her you want to get married in the Caribbean, Australia or somewhere in Asia on beach, just the two of us, no parents, no friends. They were also religious so he said to tell her we are naming our first son after a Greek God and not to baptise him.



I was single soon after and met an independent, open minded lady who is on the same page as me.

LOL I need a beer with your dad

Gruffalux

Milsawagon wrote: »

We've spent so much on the bloody wedding so far...

Don't throw more good money after it so. What's spent is spent. You are hardly going to marry someone because of stupid deposits paid?
3 hours daily on a bus would be torture.

Milsawagon

Gruffalox wrote: »

Don't throw more good money after it so. What's spent is spent. You are hardly going to marry someone because of stupid deposits paid?
3 hours daily on a bus would be torture.

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

Smee_Again

Milsawagon wrote: »

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

A 90 minute commute will only exacerbate whatever medical issues you have or create new ones.

Purple Mountain

Milsawagon wrote: »

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

So there's your answer?
Just tell your fiancée.
Job done.

Milsawagon

Purple Mountain wrote: »

So there's your answer?
Just tell your fiancée.
Job done.

Yes I will only get to have a proper chat with her in the morning without the mil listening in

Milsawagon

Smee_Again wrote: »

A 90 minute commute will only exacerbate whatever medical issues you have or create new ones.

We're priced out of Dublin and of course oh no the commuter towns wouldn't suit

Smee_Again

Milsawagon wrote: »

We're priced out of Dublin and of course oh no the commuter towns wouldn't suit

So it’s not really your MIL that’s making you move, she’s just influencing the location. Is that right?

Milsawagon

Smee_Again wrote: »

So it’s not really your MIL that’s making you move, she’s just influencing the location. Is that right?

Yes to a further away from Dublin location, in the back arse of nowhere, no broadband, one car lane roads which mean you've to reverse 500m to let the other one pass and try your luck again

Pawwed Rig

Milsawagon wrote: »

Which is?

Figure out what you can live with and quit the ultimatums by text if you're not going to follow through. A 90 minute commute is mental btw

Milsawagon

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Figure out what you can live with and quit the ultimatums by text if you're not going to follow through. A 90 minute commute is mental btw

Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

Pawwed Rig

Milsawagon wrote: »

Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

It is OK for a couple of years in your 20s but when you get older and have kids it will ruin your life.

Smee_Again

Milsawagon wrote: »

Yes to a further away from Dublin location, in the back arse of nowhere, no broadband, one car lane roads which mean you've to reverse 500m to let the other one pass and try your luck again

Yes, but you made it sound like the only reason for moving was because of the MIL.

I don’t think the MIL should get to dictate where you live but it’s unfair to blame her completely for the move.

It’s also more understandable that when forced out of Dublin your fiancé would chose to move close to family.

But you need to speak to your fiancé about it more and explain that while you’re ok with a long commute (which is madness btw) you don’t want to live so close to her mother.

screamer

Milsawagon wrote: »

I actually don't mind the commute from the location we selected as it would be very affordable housing

Oh but Jesus Christ the commute will be ball breaking. Seriously you’re lessening the quality of your life and relationship to enrich that of your mother in law. Sit your fiancé down and just tell her honestly, after visiting this weekend you’ve changed your mind. The long term of commuting is just not worth it, believe me. If she lives you she’ll chose you, if she goes running back to mammy, leave her off. I know that sounds harsh but don’t do this, you will regret it for the dear days of your life.

eggy81

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is OK for a couple of years in your 20s but when you get older and have kids it will ruin your life.

No it won't. Half the country is at it.

Tork

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is OK for a couple of years in your 20s but when you get older and have kids it will ruin your life.

I know a few people who've done commutes like that. Not one of them has anything good to say about it. It wears you down after a while, especially in the winter time. Be very careful.

o1s1n

Milsawagon wrote: »

Indeed but I know of people in work who commute further than that, I think I'd be comfortable with it I could catch up on a lot of podcasts and books etc.

I did a 90 minute commute for most of my 20s. I love listening to music and playing videogames, thought it would be the perfect time for me to do both.

It was until the novelty wore off. 90 minutes each way is three hours a day, 15 hours a week. 60 hours+ a month.

You eventually feel like you're spending your whole life trying to get from A to B without actually spending any time at either. Really do not recommend.

My current commute is 40 minutes on a bicycle and I wouldn't be willing to spend any longer, no matter what you paid me. Quality of life is more important.