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Feeling lonely and hopeless

  • 22-08-2020 1:54pm
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭

    Not sure where to start with this or what triggered it or when. Apologies if I ramble.

    In the last few weeks, I’ve found myself spiralling emotionally out of control and lately have felt very depressed and hollow. I feel empty, that my life is empty and cannot see a future. I see other women my age happy, with friends, with men or married/with babies or buying their first homes and I believe none of it is for me even though I desperately want it.
    I am 30/F. My main focus of my twenties was college and getting a career I wanted which turned out to not to be what I thought it was and felt like I wasted my prime striving. Missed out on lads, friends, partying and travelling.
    I have never left the family home out of fear. Family situation is codependent and over reliant on eachother. It is very intense. I have always struggled socially to find good friends and always had plenty of acquaintances. I always feel like Im on the outside looking in at social situations and the grass is always greener. I find it easy to chat and smile/ have fun with new people but struggle to maintain friendships or deepen the connection. In the last year and particularly now, I feel incredibly empty and lonely but put on a brave face as if nothing is wrong.
    I was recently ditched by a man whom I was seeing. He treated me terribly and disrespected me numerous times in the short time I knew him and led me on before calling it quits but even now, I still hold out hope he will reach out and come to his “senses” and tell me he made a mistake. I had a string of first dates before him with men who ghosted me and I always blame myself for not being good enough, thin enough, something enough. I cannot stop blaming myself and beating myself up for failings.
    Since this latest dumping, I have been spiralling as my emotions are out of control. I am sad and very tearful, I have started to self isolate myself from loved ones as I find it hard to be around them, have become extremely sensitive and irritable, I have drove away from the house a couple of times and drove around/park somewhere alone and spend an hour or two overthinking and I do not know why.
    Lately I struggle to keep conversations going or have lost interest altogether. Appetite is gone and I cannot get outside my head. People at work are now asking me what’s wrong and my family do not understand why Im so sad as I have everything going for me.
    I feel so empty and lonely. I feel its all too late for me, too late to travel, too late to join clubs or hobbies or make new friends as all the friendships are formed with history behind them. Too late to establish a great relationship and have a family because my twenties are behind me and dating is so fickle and disposable now. Plus it takes years to convince a man to even get serious with you.
    My head is like a ball of anxiety and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Advice would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,457 ✭✭✭✭Kylta

    I say life is getting the better of you at the moment, it seems anything your thinking about has nothing but negativity in it. I say you could do with some counselling to maybe redirect your focus in life.
    What helped me in the past when life got bollox'd up, is tomorrow starts a new day. A new day brings different things if your mind is open to change your life will change.
    In regards to having friends, relationships, children, will happen if its meant too. But if I was you I'd try get my head into the right head space.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,045 ✭✭✭Augme

    It's definitely not too late. 30 isn't late, neither is 40, 50, 60, etc. However, there is a need to be proactive and push yourself out of your comfort zone.

    Before you start thinking about all the different ways you can turn your life around I would strongly recommend looking at councelling first. I think it is the most important step. You have a lot going on in your own head and it can be difficult for anyone to unravel everything on their own. I think councelling would provide a lot of help.

    My personal opinion is that thinking about relationships, traveling, friendships etc are more long term areas of your life that you can focus on further down the line. Short term you need to learn to focus on yourself first.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,201 ✭✭✭Man with broke phone

    Plenty of people dont settle down until their thirties these days. I met my wife when she was 30. 10 years ago or so. Most people just have aquantices and think they are friends.
    Pick a hobby that always interested you and do it for an hour or two a week until you master it. Enjoy the time and freedom you have for this.

    Read 'How to win friends and influence people'

    It will change your life.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Hi OP,

    It seems you're incredibly hard on yourself and hold yourself to a really high standard for things having to go right, which we can rarely control but rather take them as they come. With regards to your career, the fact that it wasn't the dream job you thought it would be is a story that's been told before and a lesson you've learned early in life.

    You're 30 which is still young and there's still plenty of time to try new things and do the things you've always wanted to do. There's no iron curtain that draws down on your life when you hit a certain age that says you can no longer have fun and try things that help you in your self discovery.

    I'm sorry to hear about your recent bad luck on the dating scene, but that's not to say that this isn't leading you to the right person who will make you very happy. I know it's easier said and done to not blame yourself for these things but if a guy is going to ghost you he's done you a favour as ultimately you deserve to be happy with someone who will treat you properly and not be so selfish and cowardly as to cut off contact with someone with no explanation.

    As I re-read your post it seems that you've put so much importance on your twenties being the time of your life but that's often a cliché mentioned by people who look back on their twenties fondly and often more romantic than it probably actually was. It seems you've put a lot into the idea of the twenties being a persons prime, there's so much to look forward to in life if you let yourself and let go of this notion that there's no hope for you just because you're of a certain age.

    In terms of advice I would say that it would be a good idea in the first instance to speak to someone about how you've been feeling as in order to let yourself enjoy life more you need to be more present and stop thinking about these perceived failings.

    Learning to let go and be more kind to yourself is the start of having the ability to invite more positive changes in your life. Life isn't a tickbox of things we should have, everyone is on their own path.

    Look after yourself, OP

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    Hi all. I’m struggling badly to have hope as I feel rejected and not good enough all the time.
    I have put my best foot forward and always make an effort but no one does the same for me.
    I get very little back in terms of effort and often feel short changed. I dread being off work because I feel so lonely. I do not have a boyfriend to cuddle with on the couch or chat with and my friends have their own families/boyfriends and lives. I might see them once or twice a month (twice if I’m lucky).

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  • Registered Users Posts: 15,457 ✭✭✭✭Kylta

    Hi all. I’m struggling badly to have hope as I feel rejected and not good enough all the time.
    I have put my best foot forward and always make an effort but no one does the same for me.
    I get very little back in terms of effort and often feel short changed. I dread being off work because I feel so lonely. I do not have a boyfriend to cuddle with on the couch or chat with and my friends have their own families/boyfriends and lives. I might see them once or twice a month (twice if I’m lucky).

    Why do you feel rejected and not good enough for who?
    What are you hoping for?
    Life is all about choice, if your friends are moving on or engrossed in their own lives, with less time for you, I'm sure you can find other things to do, gym, hillwalking, cycling, etc, things to get you out and about, it will also help you think positive. I think you're probably to hard on yourself and if you change from negativity to positivity ( not easy when you feel lost inside yourself) life will look a lot better for you. But to get their you might require some counselling. Don't be worried about boyfriends etc. Get your head in the right place first. Things will work out for you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 50 ✭✭DeWanderer

    I agree with what others have said. 30 is still young, and you have to work on yourself first.

    Regarding the codependency: there are a lot of online/zoom meetings. This is a good place to start:

  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser

    To answer the question above, I hope to be happy.
    I hope to love someone special and be loved.
    I hope to be fulfilled, content and belong in my life.
    The last straw was recently when I thought I had an intimate connection with someone but now after hot and cold games, im left wondering did he ever have feelings for me, was any of the connection real, what changed, does he prefer someone else, why doesnt he want me.
    I have a draw to someone who made it clear they dont want me.
    I feel so alone and unlovable/unlikeable. I have not had good experiences before this. Always rejected. I do not have fond relationships to look back at as a reference and have hope. No one ever loved me or pursued me. I watch other women receive love and commitment from men even though we are not that different and no one is better than anyone.
    It just seems as if its not meant to happen for me even though I have tried to put my best foot forward and be my best self. It is exhausting when no man wants you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 446 ✭✭Ande1975


    Not everyone in relationships are happy and not everyone who is single are lonely.
    One of the worst things we do to ourselves is to compare with others or assume we have to have achieved a milestone by a certain age.
    I know exactly how you are feeling. I know it all too well.
    You've been hurt and feeling lonely. You are only 30.
    The best thing you could do for yourself is try and change your thinking and look at all the positive aspects of your life - I know this may feel corny and hard - but you have so much to offer.
    Like others try and get some counselling if you can.

    I wrote about this somewhere before but it took me a long time to understand self esteem. You should start working on yours. You can make friends at any age. Someone recommended the book how to win friends and influence people. 10000% agree. Everyone has to learn this stuff. There isn't some magic formula that people are born with.
    It takes practice and effort.
    My lack of self esteem had me chasing the guys who treated me like shyte and thinking the ones who liked me were losers.
    Good self esteem has you walking away from someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve and knowing that its their issue not yours.
    There is a saying that I repeat to myself when I'm stuck 'if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change'

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,471 ✭✭✭kaymin

    Comparison is the thief of joy.

    Ignore what others seem to have or don't have. Find happiness in yourself through things that interest you. If you're happy in yourself and don't need others to make you happy, perversely you become more attractive / appealing to others.

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