Making new friends as an adult

LegacyUser

Hi just had this playing on my mind the last few months and looking for an outlet. All advice appreciated.

Im a single woman in my early 30's, im introverted and can be reserved around new people, im not the most confident person and feel that these traits have left me at a disadvantage when it comes to making friendships and romantic relationships.
I have a small group of friends, ive been friends with them for most of my life and I appreciate them and care about each of them, I feel very grateful to have them in my life but also feel unfulfilled by them quite a lot of the time, this isnt the fault of my friends, I just haven't made any new friends in the last 10 years, or at least not any that have stuck. Friends I made in the last 10 years have drifted for various reasons such as moving away etc and I have always have a hard time making friendships, that said I have allot of acquaintances and plenty of people have nice things to say to me and about me but this never progresses to hanging out or socialising.

The friends I have, I see them quite regularly but I feel that I am always going along with whatever they want to do and they never have any interest in sticking to plans that I make.
A small example of this would be going for coffee or a drink, if one of them suggests meeting for a coffee or a drink we meet, If I suggest meeting for a coffee or drink there is always an excuse as to why they cant go. They are like this with other people too so I dont take it too personally but still feel let down. Another example is how I cant remember the last time I celebrated a birthday with friends as they never make any effort yet when its the other way around, im expected to make the effort for them. Even if I ask them to go for a drink on my birthday im met with excuses.

When we go out, its always their decision where we go, they decide when we meet and when we leave to go home. The places they like to go out for drinks are not the kind of places I enjoy, they regularly go to places were people generally go to find hookups, they then complain that all the men in the bar are creeps or only looking for one thing.

The handful of times we have gone to places I enjoy they have had good nights out and said how we should go to those places more often but it never happens. The last time we went out to somewhere like this, I met a guy who seemed to really like me and is a regular at the pub, I also met a group of acquaintances who are regulars there also, they came over and sat with us and chatted to us for half the night, the following week I suggested we go back there but my friends said no and we haven't been back there since.

My friends are single also and say how they want to meet someone to date but continuously engage in hookups and spend their lives on dating apps instead of getting out to meet genuine people. I just find it frustrating as I would love to meet someone also but feel like I never will as im constantly stuck in their cycle of going to the same sleazy bars and listening to them complain about the men they are talking to on Tinder.

They suggested we sign up for speed dating when things return to normal but this just isnt me, the idea of it just feels very forced, I want to meet people socially and naturally like we did that night in the pub. Also, to add they have done speed dating several times and each time complained about the other speed daters and how its a waste of time.

Each of them, like me, don't really have other friends, they have one or two outside of our group and they complain about wanting more friends but don't do anything to change the situation, they are very stuck in their ways and not open to new experiences.
I feel that if we went out more regularly to places like where I met a group of acquaintances, surely over time those acquaintances could become friendships.

I just feel lonely, unfulfilled and frustrated. I would like to expand my social circle but don't know how to too, it feels like to make friends, you have to have friends to meet other people through but my social group, despite wanting to meet people, make no effort to do so.

I have tried in the past to develop friendships with acquaintances but it was awkward, in my experience friendships develop gradually over time through regular interactions, as I would only see them once every so often, crossing that line to form more regular communication is very hard to do as they have their group of friends, its hard to break into a group especially as im naturally quiet to begin with.

Any feedback is appreciated.
Thank you.

Big Bag of Chips

Makingfriends wrote: »

they are very stuck in their ways and not open to new experiences.

This is the most important line of your post.

You cannot depend on other people to change your circumstances for you. Your friends like to do a particular thing. They like to go to particular places. They also like to grumble about the things they are doing but have no inclination to change, because fundamentally they do enjoy the places they go to and the things they do. In my early 20s I enjoyed the experience of nightclubs, by mid-late 20s it was my ideas of torture and I stopped going! The fact that your friends still go means they do enjoy it. But also enjoy complaining about it!

You seem to have outgrown your friends a little, which is fine. But you need to look to other means for making meaningful connections with others. I know in these times clubs and groups aren't really meeting up much, but you need to look to people outside of your friendship circle, obviously. And you need to look to a regular thing that will mean meeting the same people regularly and therefore building that relationship that is difficult to build with passing acquaintances.

It could be anything, a choir, a drama group or musical society (you don't have to be onstage!), group music lessons, a walking group, cycle group, tidy towns, scout leader, parish committee, knitting circle! It could be anything, but the key to it is regular attendance and just chatting. Because you are right, that is how friendships naturally develop.

Like I said, you mightn't have many options available to you at the moment. But your local library is usually a good place to start.

Oink

OP, you come across as a mature, well-spoken person who needs more than what your friends can provide right now.
Enjoy your time with them, but you need to find more for yourself.

Bag of chips really hit the nail on the head. The only way for you form any meaningful relationships, friendship or otherwise, is to spend enjoyable time with like-minded people.
One friend met her husband in a hiking club. Another couple met in a church choir. Some worked together. Others through mutual friends.

This probably won’t be easy with covid, but if you can spend more time with new people, you’ll be making progress. Don’t give up if don’t find the right activity straight away.

ILoveYourVibes

trying to meet interesting people who share your interests is hard i find

Xterminator

sure is hard. i agree 100%. But its even harder to find them from on front of a television, laptop or phone.

I would like to expand my social circle but don't know how to too,

There is no magic solution but meeting up with like minded people doing things you like to do is a good start. So if you like walking join a walking club. If it is knitting that floats your boat - same thing. Volunteering is a really good way to meet like minded people. working even 1 day a week in a charity shop, with old people, disadvantaged eg Simon, or in your local school etc. will widen your circle of acquaintances.

The local library often has many notices for clubs etc, as do things like meetup.com.

JasonStatham

Yes meetup dot com. Great way to meet new people. Go for it with full guns blazing