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2 bitchy cousins

  • 12-08-2020 11:07pm
    Registered Users Posts: 3

    I have two cousins, their both sisters, lets call them Sally and Trudy! I was in the same year and class at school with Sally, and Trudy was the year below us. I spent 6 years in the same year as Sally. Basically, I'm really hurt as Sally and Trudy have always been very bitchy towards me and I have never done anything against them. Sally would always either completely ignore me even if I tried talking to her or she would try to make fun of me, mocking me, being patronising, smarmy comments, bitchy looks etc. I would come home from school trips crying and just feel so sad that we weren't friends, I tried being friends with her so many times. I even went up to her drunk once and was very teary eyed and told her that it was crazy we never talked and if we could be friends she just patted me on the shoulder and said she'd talk to me monday and walked away from me, obviously she just ignored me the next day at school. Trudy was the same, she even ignored me when I went to say hi to her at my sister's wedding. This behaviour from them went on all through school and college. To make it worse, Sally was friends with my older sister and would sometimes come over to our house, she would be abrupt and cold with me if we were alone in the room but as soon as my mom or someone came in she would act so nice to me as if we were best buddies. When Sally finished college she moved away and so I have barely seen her over the years. If I do see her when I'm out in town, I make sure to avoid her so last year was the first time I spoke to her in years, I was with my mom shopping and we bumped into her but she barely looked at me, we bumped into Trudy too on a seperate occassion and Trudy ignored me too. My mom said that she felt they acted very badly towards me and says I should just kill them with kindness but I can't, its gone on far too long and I'm too hurt. Also, when I saw them and had to talk to them, I felt like I was having a panic attack, I felt sick, scared, like I wanted to run away, etc. I never want to see them again but my sister is getting married in a few months. It is a small wedding and Sally and Trudy are going to be at the wedding as her close friends. My sister doesn't believe me about how they treated me and will always defend them. Even when Trudy got married, I was the only family member that didn't get invited. I just feel so hurt and so angry, I feel trapped, they will be at my sister's hen party and wedding and I don't want to talk to them, I feel panicked sometimes when I think of it. Sometimes when I'm walking around town, I think I see them on the street or in the shops and I feel scared, I just don't know how to handle it. Please help, any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 29,878 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn

    Hi OP,
    I have cousins like this also. They essentially make you feel like dirt and look down on you, roll their eyes at you when they think your aren't looking,etc.
    I just say hello to them and move on. I'm not going to change them and we aren't going to be best palls ever and I accept this.(I sort of like who I am to be honest and find them kind of boring)

    Regarding the wedding,hen party due to Covid19 things might change.
    Your mother might have a word with your sister about what she saw also.
    I'd recommend tipping along with them for the wedding if you have to but if it's to much for you contact your GP if the Anxiety is getting to much for you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 798 ✭✭✭Yyhhuuu

    My experience is that cousins can be quite mean and jealousI myself was treated very badly by cousins who ignored me and one cousin who I met a few times and thought was ok actually pretended not to see me when she definitely saw me on two separate occasions. Another cousin made my life hell and is in my opinion evil.I did not grow up with any of these cousins and was a good bit younger which didn't help. I'm not sure if my experience is unusual. I think the OP's family could be a bit more supportive of her. It's her two cousins who have the problem not her.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,981 ✭✭✭Caranica

    You can choose your friends but you're stuck with family. That doesn't mean you have to be friends though, they're just two people who happen to have a blood connection to you.

    I have about 60 cousins, I'm close to less than ten. Some of them I'd much rather not have in my life, so I don't. Any occasion that involves our paths crossing also involves my siblings so beyond very polite hellos, I don't have to spend time with the cousins.

    Don't fixate on the cousin thing, these are just two mean girls. Avoid them where you can, and where you can't, surround yourself with good people.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck

    OP it sounds like these are just two nasty girls and you're better off not engaging with them. It sounds like they ignore you or give you the cold shoulder any time you bump into them anyway, so it shouldn't be too hard to just avoid interacting with them altogether. Even though they'll be at the hen and the wedding, you don't need to hang out with them. Just make sure to stick with people you actually know and enjoy spending time with at these events.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,704 ✭✭✭Xterminator

    Hi Op

    I have dozens of cousins, and i don't get along with them all. Its not unusual to not get on with everyone. from what you say they are not nice people so the fact you dont have a friendship is zero loss to you.

    But what i dont really understand is you know they are not nice people but you felt hurt and sad when you were not invited to their wedding?! Should that not have been relief and quietly happy? Will you be inviting them to your wedding? i would expect that to be a no.

    Anyway here is the simplest way i can put this. your sister is getting married and she wants her friends there. That includes you, and that includes her cousins. I dont think your should try to get her to 'uninvite them' to hens or wedding etc. I think you should follow your mother's suggestion for the duration of one hens, and one wedding - and kill them with kindness so as not to spoil your sisters day with drama etc. then go back to ignoring them/crossing the road when you see them.

    On a related note, perhaps a good assertiveness course would be a good idea for you, as you seem to be afraid of confrontation and standing up for your self, in the right way. Don't be anyone's doormat. Don't suffer in silence. Call people out on their crap. Bullies don't like it when people stand up to them.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 633 ✭✭✭LilacNails

    I am in a bit of a similar situation OP, though mine is work related. Long story, but basically an incident was over exaggerated regarding me and this work colleagues friend.

    I always got on with this person, was polite and courteous to them. Then this incident happened and as you have described they started are treating me the same as your cousins. This person is very well liked and respected where I work, so yea it's **** when other people, esp people you get on with, get on so well with them. It has had me in tears a handful of times.

    I stayed saying hello to them until I just had enough just played her at her own game by ignoring her. I felt foolish making that tiny effort, it was just an opportunity for her to show she doesn't like me, without even having to say it. It was horrible.

    I now don't look or acknowledge them. And tbh it feels as though I have taken back the power. It shows I have enough self respect to not allow to give her an opportunity to make me look foolish by being the only one to make an effort. so anything she does now, I don't even see or entertain it.

    I don't agree with the advice to kill them with kindness. You can only do that for so long. Don't waste your energy, you seem to have wasted enough. Be above them, say hello and just leave it at that. Their are supposedly the ones with an issue, whatever that is. Show them that it doesn't bother you anymore. They obviously knows it does because they keep treating u like this! Don't bother.

    Unfortunately there's just people like them in the world. And they don't deserve the attention, and not worth the upset. Try see through them, know that they are there, but they do not need to be acknowledged.

    Focus on you and enjoy the wedding. Don't let them take that from you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,398 ✭✭✭StinkyMunkey

    It's bad enough that your cousins treat you like this, but it's another thing for your sister to enable them and side with them.

    Like someone said, you can choose your friends but not your family.

    If I was in your position, I'd skip the hens, go to the wedding (keep the family peace) and sit with your mam. Both during the wedding and after, blank your cousins. Their attitude and actions towards you will never change, they will never accept you or treat you with kindness.

    Once you get over the initial awkwardness of blanking these two toxic bints, you will find it will bother you less and less as time goes by.

    Don't make the mistake of thinking your sister will side with you just because she is your sister. Focus on people who count and not those that don't.

  • Registered Users Posts: 67 ✭✭crazylady1

    Hi OP. It's a difficult situation. Your cousins sound like really nasty people. Please try to remember that these are their issues not yours. They have treated you horribly throughout your formative years.
    What did your parents think about this when you were at school. I know you said you didn't say it to them but did they notice something was off? You mentioned that your mother said this cousin treated you badly but why didn't your mother say anything to the cousin? I'm asking this because I'm wondering if your parents allowed this treatment to persist because they didn't want to rock the boat with the cousins parents. I'm guessing that your parent and their parent are brother and sister? I can understand not wanting to start an argument but when it comes to your kids you need to let them know that it's not OK to be treated badly. Your whole family must have known that it was very hurtful for you to be the only one not to be invited to the cousins wedding. Even the cousins parents must have found it odd.
    It seems to me that these cousins were allowed to treat you badly. Nobody stepped in to say that their behaviour was inappropriate and mean. Did this consent for want of a better word affect you confidence?
    I'm not blaming anybody. Family dynamics are difficult. Especially when there's extended family involved. I think counselling would really help you.
    My advice on your sisters wedding is to go and try to keep a distance from them. Be polite but don't engage with them. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. Don't give these mean girls any more of your energy. They don't deserve it. I've learned a technique where I imagine this force field around myself. If I think someone is being negative towards me I mentally send their energy back to them. I imagine it bouncing off the forcefield like a mirror. It sound daft I know!! But it really does work. Wishing you the best OP

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,032 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken

    You aren't dependent on these people. Leave them out of your life, they're definitely not worth it.

    You spent time trying to be friends with them. You wrote a longish post about their treatment of you.

    Imo they've taken up more of your life and time than they ever should have.
    Ignore them at the wedding. There are nicer people out there for you to be friendly towards.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012

    Your mams advice is wrong. You can be as kind as you like but these girls do not like you and they won't change.

    Ignore them. Be polite and that's it. Don't give any more than you get.

    Just because you share dna doesn't mean you'll get on

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