Angry, Sad, Heartbroken but still love him..

LegacyUser

So sorry for the long post, please bear with me .. I think context is needed.

So I’m 29 and my BF is 34, we met for the first time thru Grindr 4 years this October. It really was really complex! - I was out to nobody as gay and he was in a relationship (which was basically over) with a woman with 2 kids and one kid on the way. We hit it off straight away, I met him and liked him instantly, probably love at first sight tbh. We went on a few dates and eventually became a couple. He eventually told her the relationship was over after the kid was born (I actually begged him not to tell her before incase something happened the baby). I couldn’t live with myself if something did. At the start he broke up with me 3 separate times, it broke our hearts, I begged him and stayed with him every step of the way. His family after they were told did not accept it and they didn’t talk for probably a year. Me and my family stood by him in every way possible.

Eventually after the baby was born the relationship broke up with her and eventually he told her and his family he was gay. He stayed in the house living with her for a considerable time for the children.

While he was living with her sex and intimacy was non existent, i have psychological issues around sex I must be honest. I hold my hands up to that. I found out from a person I used by friendly with on Grindr that my bf was on Grindr or someone was using his pictures. I went back on it to find out and eventually found out it was him on the app and said he was looking for “fun”. I confronted him that night in anger, roaring crying.. he begged me to take him back and said he would never meet a guy and it was a mistake. We moved on but it always upset me.

Eventually she demanded he leave the house so we had to come up with a plan. There were many arguments over finding a place to rent but I simply could not afford to rent and save for a mortgage on my own. He was working in a shop on poor wages. I always helped him out with bills, kids birthdays, communions etc and never left him stuck as he had to support the kids. I bought him 3 cars over the time, one for his Ex with the kids. We sat down and agreed plans for a house and I got planning on a family site.

When planning was got I bought a mobile home (13k) and we moved in together on the site after my family helped us out financially to prepare the site. I took on all the bills except the sky even thought he had at this stage got a job in a multinational company. I didn’t mind, it was a real struggle tho.

Last summer my sibling got married abroad and we had been having arguments a few weeks before about the lack of sex and his problem with my weight. I would try continuously to be intimate but he would reject my advances, one day he passed a comment that if It did not change he would be forced to find sex elsewhere. I knew from that point that he probably had been already looking as I had noticed him being online on other apps when he would tell me he was asleep or not texting me. I made a fake profile and found out he was again on Grindr and was on it while in work. I fake organised a meet with him and he turned up at 2am to me in a car park in the city after arranging sex. I stood there and bawled my eyes out, I was absolutely heartbroken. Yet again after days of begging I took him back and he said things would change.

Over the 4 years drink became a major problem, I was far from a saint and many times I ignored or said the wrong thing to him or didn’t treat him right but the verbal abuse would really start from him after drink towards me on our own and on front of other friends and family. The anger though was also on show when he was sober, he was often talk to me and treat me very bad on front of the 3 children, calling me fat, unwanted etc and also telling me he could not stand the way I say or do things. I would sometimes bite back but the arguments were getting awful, even the oldest kid would sometimes pass comments on the way he spoke to me.

He is a great father, they love him and I grew to love all 3 of them myself, we got on great and I never had an argument and I used to love playing with them and buying them ice cream and other stuff they liked, they even gave me a Father’s Day gift this year which nearly made me cry. I promised my bf from day 1 I’d look after them like my own kids. We looked after them every weekend, he works evenings and I would hardly see him all week except inside in bed when he came home at 2am.

A week after I arranged the fake meet we were going abroad for my siblings wedding we had agreed to put it behind us and start again, on the first night he met his cousin over there by chance and as we were going from pub to pub he left me and went with his cousin to a different bar and I had no idea where he had gone. He was in the next bar and me part of the wedding group met him again and I asked him why he would leave me like that and there was an argument. A while later while I was talking to male members of the wedding group that he didn’t know and presumed I was chatting strangers up. He walked over on front of everyone and poured his drink over my head. I followed him back to the apartment where the argument continued, my brother intervened and he threw a punch at my brother, a massive fight continued, he hit me and my brother and we hit him back I’m ashamed to say. He stormed off and I went looking for him after an hour to bring him back to the apartment, I found him up in a pub with his female cousin where she threatened me saying she I would be beat up or killed when I got back to Ireland.

The next morning he left for the airport but my mother rang him and stopped him going. We eventually made up that morning and we had probably the best 6 days of the entire relationship without any problems. My brother had stupidly told some of the people in the wedding party what had happened and during the fight it had come out about him cheating on me.. it really upset me and him for people to know that.

I would often collect him from work parties or other events and the amount of abuse I would get was getting very upsetting - he would call me every name under the sun, it was bordering on abuse. A few weeks back his sister and ex was over for drinks, he asked me to drop them home about 20 min away in the small hours and when I came back the abuse started for hours, banging doors, calling me useless, unwanted everything. It was the final straw for me and I was not going to put up with it any longer.

He said he wanted to change the interior of the mobile home, the curtains and wallpaper etc. so we went shopping the next day and the prices were crazy - there was no way we could afford it and I said it to him in the shop and he had a meltdown and walked out of the shop leaving me and his eldest son there. That’s when a week of constant arguing started.

He had organised a night out with his work friends and without asking me he presumed I would collect him. I said no that I wasn’t going to be taking the abuse after the drink anymore and to get another spin - he freaked out completely and made a big deal and cancelled the whole event because I wouldn’t collect him.

At this stage he had stayed in the spare room and sofa a few nights, it led to massive arguments and I said either he changed after drink or I’m gone, he couldn’t say if he wanted to be in the relationship and said either I lose weight and get stronger viagra or he is gone and he said he wouldn’t change after drink unless I did that. He was 13.5 stone and I was 16 and the teasing went to almost every day even on front of others

I got so mad I packed up his belongings and told him get out and move back to his parents. I said some awful things as did he and I really am ashamed of that. I told him he owes me money and I wanted the car back and other stupid stuff.

I have not heard from him since that day, I text him on numerous occasions, a few days after apologising for what I said and said if it is the end I don’t want anything back, that I loved him still.

He opens my messages and doesn’t reply.

Please don’t get me wrong with the above I’m no angel and I could be a prick sometimes and freely admit that. I would often try kiss, hug or try be intimate with him and he would throw his eyes up to heaven or make excuses like he was too tired or basically told stop annoying him he was busy.

I suppose my question is, what do I do now and after everything why do I love him so much? . Not talking with him and the kids for 2 weeks has really affected me - I’m heartbroken, lost and think about him almost all day long. I never knew what depression was but I have cried to sleep a few nights since even stupid thoughts. He was the only lad I would have came out to my parents to, I love him that much.

I miss the good times so much and the times we were happy. It almost physically hurts the pain of it.

2 fast

Please go to a support group/counselling this man has been emotionally abusing you for years and with time you will see this. At the minute your it's very raw! For your own sake don't go back there, this is the first step your not in this alone.

Clare Kat

Of course you miss him,it’s completely natural as he was a huge part of your life for 4 years. He was the fella you came out to your parents with, you bonded with his kids and became like a second Dad to them. These are very personal connections that ye made together, in other words, he had a history. He was your first love, you were planning on building a house with him and settling down together. The heart wants what the heat wants. Having read through your entire post however it’s clear he has anger management issues and was very abusive to you even in front of his son which is a real problem. He cannot control his emotions, and I can only imagine how embarrassing it was for you when he behaved so appallingly at your family member’s wedding. He is volatile, and narcissistic and therefore can never be trusted. You are never sure where you stand with them as they hold all the cards, and can pull the rug out from under you at a moment’s notice. They have all the power.
Please understand that you absolutely made the best choice by throwing him out. We all say things in the heat of the moment so don’t beat yourself up over the things you said. Fair play to you for having the courage to save yourself. You DESERVE so much more and obviously have a lot to offer someone else. It’s always so painful especially at the beginning and we often try to rewrite history and only remember the good times. The fact that he is refusing to acknowledge your calls/texts is another form of CONTROL. People who abuse are unable to control their tongues and often unfortunately their fists, but they will always try to control the situation to their benefit. It gives them a huge ego boost. Try to do nice things for yourself and above all keep busy so you don’t have too much time to think. Believe me when I say this, it does get better. I’ve been there and I don’t miss the walking on eggshells for a few stolen moments of bliss. Keep the faith, things will improve.

wiggle16

You need to call time on this and end it for good. This relationship will never get any better and you will never be happy while he is in your life. Never.

And you need to read the sentences above over and over again and really absorb it because it's clear from your post that you are only a whatsapp message away from jumping back into his arms. Because, for some reason, you are the one who is sorry - look who is texting who, look who is not replying. I can guarantee that he does not feel one bit sorry for anything he has done to you.

Another moderator in this forum has a saying that always rings true: people do not tell you who they are, they show you who they are. He has shown you quite starkly who he is and what he thinks of you. He does not respect you. He does not care about your feelings. He is a selfish, manipulative bully. Look at the laundry list of things he has done to you over the last four years. He has shown you what kind of man he is.

I'll bet everything I own that you have made every excuse under the sun for him. That it was hard for him living a lie with his wife and kids... That pretending he was someone else for so long means that he never learned to express his emotions properly and so he bottles everything up, and then lashes it all out all at once, or it comes out with drink... That he got so used to having to hide who he was that sneaking around and being secretive just became second nature to him... That when he was younger he never got a chance to freely explore his sexuality and that's why he strays now and talks to lads on Grindr. And all the rest of it. It's all BS. Read your post again - look how much you minimize what he does by saying you were no saint, you said the wrong thing, you bit back sometimes.
As if by taking some of the blame you can justify having put up with so much for so long.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm berating you, but there's no gentle way to point out that you are in an abusive relationship that you need to get a million miles away from.

I suppose my question is, what do I do now and after everything why do I love him so much? . Not talking with him and the kids for 2 weeks has really affected me - I’m heartbroken, lost and think about him almost all day long. I never knew what depression was but I have cried to sleep a few nights since even stupid thoughts. He was the only lad I would have came out to my parents to, I love him that much.

I think you wanted it to work, in spite of the odds against yous at the start - he was in a relationship with a woman and had a family, you were not out and he was the only lad who made you feel that you could come out. The idea of love against all odds is a self-perpetuating snare and you probably felt early on that any drama was worth the connection you felt. Like, you started out needing a certain level of tolerance for his circumstances when many people would've walked away, and as things went on you went from putting up with his circumstances and doing more and more work, to putting up with his carry on, which just got worse and worse - until you found yourself in love with a man who cheats on you, sponges off you, belittles and abuses you and who will never, ever change. If your sister were in a relationship with a man like this, you know what you'd tell her to do.

You need to properly realise that this needs to end now. You're texting him because you want him to reply and come back, because you know if he comes back you will feel better and this horrible feeling will end - but that is not what will fix this. You cannot let him come back into your life. He left and you need to see that for the blessing it is. He is venom.

I would strongly encourage you to contact Amen and seek counselling because although you're acknowledging everything he did to you it's clear that it's not enough to keep you from getting back with him. You sound like a lovely, kind person who did not deserve to be treated like this: you need to do right by yourself and cut him out of your life for good.

LegacyUser

It's not verging on abuse it is abuse, emotional and physical. He isn't a great dad if he belittles you in front of his kids. He wasn't ashamed of his actions when your brother told others about cheating, he was annoyed they knew. If you caught him looking for sex at 2 am he's been out doing same without getting caught. He's a bully, cut all contact, including with his kids. He is a moochers, he has spent your money on him and his family. Work on your self esteem or you will attract similar again. He won't ever make you happy somebody else can. If they cheat with you they will cheat on you. You sound like a decent guy find someone that matches that. They're are lots of lovely decent gay guys out their capable and looking for a decent guy and loving relationship this guy isn't.

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for the nice words, to be honest I have never even considered counseling - I always bottle things up and keep my head down and battle on.

Thankfully he was never violent to me, in many ways it might have been easier, my family have some inkling that thinks haven’t been right for a long time with us but nobody at all knows exactly how bad it did get. I might drop home after being called every name under the sun and would never even whisper a bad word and would say everything is great. They, my friends and others in work did notice I had changed though, I was always happy go lucky - bright side up but that changed over the years as it wore me down. He would always call my friends childish and never made any effort with them.

Everyone who knew my BF almost always seemed to like him and think he was great, he would transform when talking to others or his family when I was there. In our final week when arguments were constant I asked him why was it everyone else that only saw the good side of him and not me - I’ll always wonder why he chose to treat me so bad opposed to people who often abandoned him when times got tough.

2 fast

Anonadviceneeded wrote: »

Thanks very much for the nice words, to be honest I have never even considered counseling - I always bottle things up and keep my head down and battle on.

Thankfully he was never violent to me, in many ways it might have been easier, my family have some inkling that thinks haven’t been right for a long time with us but nobody at all knows

Everyone who knew my BF almost always seemed to like him and think he was great, he would transform when talking to others or his family when I was there. In our final week when arguments were constant I asked him why was it everyone else that only saw the good side of him and not me - I’ll always wonder why he chose to treat me so bad opposed to people who often abandoned him when times got tough.

I would imagine these people that abandoned him, he treated badly and they had enough. He sounds like someone that never takes responsibility and blames others even when he is wrong. Abusers never seem like abusers to outsiders, its control and makes you feel like its you or in your head. I wonder if when you start to tell people, will you get a different idea of what people actually thought of him more so than your perception. Even just confide in 1 person for now it will help
You will come out stronger from this, he will never change!

wiggle16

OP I would be very surprised if your family think the sun shines out of his hole.

They don't know the half of it, obviously, but he hit your brother and caused an incident at a family wedding, went to storm off during that holiday and had to be talked down from getting on a plane by your mother - I can guarantee you that has not been forgotten and it's probably not the only thing. I think if you tell your family about what's been going on behind closed doors they will be surprised at the extent of it but they will finally be able to loosen their tongues about it. I think you should talk to them about it and tell them what's been going on. You've been keeping this to yourself for so long that while you've acknowledged everything he's done, your perception of what's normal and acceptable - 3 cars? Paying all his bills? All the cheating and abuse? - is extremely skewed.

Some abusive partners thrive on control and for them everything is about control. They can come across charming to everyone else while making their partner's life a misery at home, and if and when it all comes out people are shocked. There are others who are abusive but have no emotional control at all, like this w*nker you've been dealing with for four years - while your family might not know you're in a relationship which has been this abusive I really, really doubt that they think he's fantastic and everything is perfect. Would you have been very defensive of him in the past? Like when he hit your brother and your brother told people about the cheating, you say you were very upset at your brother. Would it be fair to say that you might have closed ranks on your brother when that happened?

I think you need to seek counselling over this because the your threshold for putting up with BS seems to be very high and I don't think you can really see him for what he is. If you are close with your family, talk to them about it too. Like the poster above I think you'll be surprised at how much they have bitten their tongues over him.

Neyite

You say he was never violent to you but he was - he poured a drink over you in a pub and he hit you in the fight with your brother.

So he was physically abusive to you on at least two occasions.

I can also count sexual coercion in there, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial abuse in there too. There's gaslighting and you walking on eggshells around his moods. Also, trawling for randomers to have sex with is putting your health at risk.

You miss him, that's par for the course in a break up. You miss the life you thought you'd build together and you miss the man he pretended to be. Feelings don't die easily but they do eventually. I promise.

I broke up with someone who's personality was similar and a few months of counselling made me much stronger. Buy this book for yourself - I'm sure people roll their eyes because I'm always recommending it but honestly, it's a brilliant book.

You are hurting now and that happens us all after our first big love goes south, more so if there's added complications of coming out or abusive behaviour. But you will heal. You'll look back and see that you had a lucky escape from this man.

Porklife

Neyite wrote: »

You say he was never violent to you but he was - he poured a drink over you in a pub and he hit you in the fight with your brother.

So he was physically abusive to you on at least two occasions.

I can also count sexual coercion in there, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and financial abuse in there too. There's gaslighting and you walking on eggshells around his moods. Also, trawling for randomers to have sex with is putting your health at risk.

You miss him, that's par for the course in a break up. You miss the life you thought you'd build together and you miss the man he pretended to be. Feelings don't die easily but they do eventually. I promise.

I broke up with someone who's personality was similar and a few months of counselling made me much stronger. Buy this book for yourself - I'm sure people roll their eyes because I'm always recommending it but honestly, it's a brilliant book.

You are hurting now and that happens us all after our first big love goes south, more so if there's added complications of coming out or abusive behaviour. But you will heal. You'll look back and see that you had a lucky escape from this man.

Great post. What book is it Neylite?

OP, you sound like such a sweetheart. I hope you're feeling better. Your thread made me really sad. Break ups are tough but you will come out the other side stronger

Neyite

Porklife wrote: »

Great post. What book is it Neylite?

OP, you sound like such a sweetheart. I hope you're feeling better. Your thread made me really sad. Break ups are tough but you will come out the other side stronger

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

This is the one. The Author used to work with men in the US who were court-ordered to have counselling for domestic violence, so he gained a wealth of knowledge of the psychology of people like that. Domestic violence from someone who's supposed to love you is something that can be difficult to comprehend and this book explains it in a very easy-read format.

The aim of the book is that a survivor of domestic abuse is able to unravel the psychological control the person has over you, and that you recognise that he a) will never change, and b) how it's not you to blame.

QueenRizla

Neyite wrote: »

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

This is the one. The Author used to work with men in the US who were court-ordered to have counselling for domestic violence, so he gained a wealth of knowledge of the psychology of people like that. Domestic violence from someone who's supposed to love you is something that can be difficult to comprehend and this book explains it in a very easy-read format.
.

The book is available as a free PDF. They should teach it in schools. It has saved countless lives. It is that important.

https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf