Long Distance Relationship - sacrificing her career for me??

LegacyUser

I've been in a long distance relationship for just over 10 months. Loooong distance between us but we put a lot of effort (and money) in to seeing each other as regularly as we could. We haven't been able to meet since COVID but I think we have weathered the lock-down very well, all things considered.

The wheels are now in motion for her to move over here later in the year. Great!! BUT.......there is the small matter of her career.

We always knew that her finding work over here was going to be a challenge (I live in a small city in the UK...grim even in the best of times). Her career area/qualifications are very specific to her own country. The hope always was that she could find something vaguely similar or something that would at least utilise her skill-set. Things are now looking grim indeed on the job front 'casue of COVID & Brexit. I am now seriously questioning whether I can get behind this plan if it involves her sacrificing her career and damaging her prospects for her own future.

We are both approaching this issue through very different lenses. She's quite a bit younger than me and has this romantic notion of working in a coffee shop until she finds her feet. I, being the stuffy one in the relationship, am trying to look at this without letting my own feelings cloud my judgement.

If my sister came to me and announced she was going to drop her career to shack up with some dude she's known for less than a year I would not be happy and would waste no time in trying to convince her to reconsider. I fear the 'right' thing to do here might be to talk my GF out of this: She'll find another boyfriend no problem. She keeps her career. Win win for her! (OK so I may die alone but I really think my own feelings are somewhat moot for the purposes of making a moral judgement on this matter).

I have job I really enjoy - but I spent a good chunk of my 20s 'under employed'. I would hate to think of her going through the same thing I did - especially when she has worked so hard to get to where she is today. She's super smart and I just know she will find crap jobs hard to bare. This is not about money either. I can can support her easily but I don't like the idea of her being dependent on me, for her own personal development and many other reasons.

From a purely selfish point of view, I worry that things will fall apart when she realises what she's got herself in to. I worry that some rainy February morning while she's on her way to work in some god awful call centre job, she's question why the hell she left such a good life at home behind.

Before anyone asks, me moving to her country is a complete non-runner for now, for reasons I don't really need to get in to.

I am not looking for answers here - I'm not looking for anyone to decide this for me. I guess I would just like to hear from folk who may have been in a similar situation. How did you approach this issue together? Was there an element of rolling the dice and hooping for the best?

Comments appreciated - Danke

tara73

did you talk it through with her like you did here in this post? that would be the first step, we can give our opinion all the way but what matters is her stand on it and that you tell her your concerns like you did here.

I think you're a very good character, you could just sit, let her move over and see what happens. It actually could be a good way also to deal with it and I'm sure many will suggest it. Because you never know what will happen, you can't foresee the future and you might destroy a good chance for a good relationship with your concerns.
It's a tough decision, I understand where you're coming from especially with recession looming. Would be also a different story with safe job opportunities, you could say if it doesn't work out she can easily go back to Ireland and find another job but that's probably not the case right now.

How about you, can you not move to a more pleasant place in the UK, find a job there and where there are better prospects for her also? Why do you live in this grim place as you call it, is it only possible for you to have a job there?

LegacyUser

I think the idea of moving to somewhere ye both can get jobs is the best bet. After all, if your area is so grim and slim on jobs, if you lose yours, you're also stuck with limited prospects ....

ManOfMystery

I think your concerns are coming from a genuine and honest place where you're doing it because you have morals and empathy. But honestly - it's her choice.

Her career is important, but she may feel that her relationship is more important. We all place different priorities on the things in our life which enrich us or bring happiness.

All you can do is point out the downsides and the what-if's. If you try and make the decision for her or push her strongly one way or another, its asserting a form of control (no matter how well intentioned) which is never good - she has to be free to make her own decisions.

If you're worried that things go wrong down the line and she somehow blames you, again - as long as you've not steered her strongly one way or another - it's entirely her decision. Everyone who enters into a relationship does so knowing the risks, particularly if it's long distance.

LegacyUser

Thanks all

Doodaaa wrote: »

I think the idea of moving to somewhere ye both can get jobs is the best bet. After all, if your area is so grim and slim on jobs, if you lose yours, you're also stuck with limited prospects ....

Moving elsewhere, whether in the UK or Ireland, isn't really an option right now. I was incredibly fortunate to land the job I have now and I will have to realistically put in another 3 or so years here before I can consider moving on. When I said the place was 'grim' I meant it's not a magnet for jobs in the same way London or Dublin are. Quality of life here is excellent.

tara73 wrote:

did you talk it through with her like you did here in this post? that would be the first step, we can give our opinion all the way but what matters is her stand on it and that you tell her your concerns like you did here.

ManOfMystery wrote:

Her career is important, but she may feel that her relationship is more important. We all place different priorities on the things in our life which enrich us or bring happiness.

All you can do is point out the downsides and the what-if's. If you try and make the decision for her or push her strongly one way or another, its asserting a form of control (no matter how well intentioned) which is never good - she has to be free to make her own decisions.

I recognise this is ultimately her choice but I am concerned that she is not attaching due weight and consideration to how all this may affect her day to day life and our relationship. She has been flippant about it at times. She recognises that she needs to do her own homework but she is constantly putting this task on the long finger.

I have been trying very hard over the last few months to focus her mind on this matter. I have provided her with as much information as possible from job sites, career forums, training resources etc & I have put her in touch with people who work in similar areas.

Again we are coming at this from wildly different perspectives and mindsets - I think a lot of this is down to our different life stages. I know that young me would have been far more likely to take a chance and to hell with the safe option. Old me's perspective is coloured (overly so?) by young me's experiences with crap jobs. I suspect she is excited by the whole adventure ahead of her too and that this is making it difficult to focus on what life might be like in a year, 5 years or 10 years time. Also, we are so agonisingly close to the end of the long distance part. The closer we get, the harder it will be for her to give up on it.

What is at stake here are the two most important determinants of our lives, relationship and calling. Janan Ganesh put's it much more eloquently in this article - [ https://www.ft.com/content/946b330e-48c6-11ea-aeb3-955839e06441 ] he remarks: "how much of life is shaped by one or two strategic decisions. These determine what we do for around nine hours a day and what we come home to. Get them wrong, and very little can compensate for the loss in happiness. One foolish A-level choice or impetuous marriage is all it takes. Even scarier is that these are often not decisions at all so much as matters of chance. If they are reversible at all, it is at tremendous cost."

So where to go from here? I know I have to get her to focus and to think deeply about this matter. I would like to say I will support her whatever she ultimately decides but I have to be confident that she knows what she is getting herself in for

Has anyone had any experiences in a similar situation? Specifically around tensions experienced when one partner might have had to settle for a less than satisfactory job (whether in a LDR context or not)?

Dial Hard

Has the relationship been long-distance the entire time? As in, you've never lived in the same country? Are you planning to live together when she moves over?

I'd proceed very cautiously, OP. Moving in with someone after ten months is a big move even in a "normal" relationship. Ten months of long distance is quite simply not the same thing. How much time have you actually spent in eachother's company? All the Skypes and WhatsApps and long conversations in the world are great but until you guys have spent a significant amount of time actually being a couple in eachother's company, you're essentially in an extended holiday romance.

cannotlogin

It's not ideal and might go wrong but if you don't try you never know.

The relationship will probably struggle or fizzle out with prolonged long distance. At least if you try, it might work. It's also pretty reversible if it goes wrong and she can return home.

She seems to think it's a risk worth taking. Better try than have regrets for not trying imo.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Has the relationship been long-distance the entire time? As in, you've never lived in the same country? Are you planning to live together when she moves over?

I'd proceed very cautiously, OP. Moving in with someone after ten months is a big move even in a "normal" relationship. Ten months of long distance is quite simply not the same thing. How much time have you actually spent in eachother's company? All the Skypes and WhatsApps and long conversations in the world are great but until you guys have spent a significant amount of time actually being a couple in eachother's company, you're essentially in an extended holiday romance.

Yes, no and not decided

This is something I'm not taking lightly either. We've discussed the idea of her renting a room for the first few months so we can take things slowly.

With regard the the career issue, do you have any experience/insights?

HildaOgdenx

I recognise this is ultimately her choice but I am concerned that she is not attaching due weight and consideration to how all this may affect her day to day life and our relationship. She has been flippant about it at times. She recognises that she needs to do her own homework but she is constantly putting this task on the long finger.

I have been trying very hard over the last few months to focus her mind on this matter. I have provided her with as much information as possible from job sites, career forums, training resources etc & I have put her in touch with people who work in similar areas.


If she doesn't get a job, or gets one not suited to her, and leaves it, and you end up supporting her, how would you feel about that? I remember a thread from some time back where something along those lines happened, and the person supporting the partner ended up completely resentful of the situation.

Just something worth thinking about, imo. It seems a very big move based on a relatively short, and long distance relationship.

tara73

on second thought, have to completely agree with Dial Hard's post. You 'know' each other for 10 month being in a long distance relationship. with lockdown you have met each other in person for about 7 month and how often can you meet each other when there's flying over involved, twice a month?

I think this idea is madness, and after your last posts I can't see you talked things through. You didn't even discuss the living arrangements. If she's not seeing or not wanting to see the facts you pointed out here, she seems very naive or has even some other strange motives in mind for moving over.

You are asking again for people replying who went through such a thing as if you can only take advice from guys who experienced such a situation. But every situation is different because we as people are completely unique, therefore I think it doesn't really matter whether the posters here had experience with such an issue or not. Most posters here are very level headed, with life experience and wisdom:), I think you can accept also posts from posters who havn't been in this situation and gain from it.


So I think you should go on doing the long distance thing, at least for another half a year or so, let her process with her career and if you are meant for each other, it will work out.

SozBbz

One of my good friends moved to a city in the north of England for a man she met while we were on a girls weekend elsewhere in the UK. They did long distance for about a year and she then moved to him as his job was not movable - he was in the police, so technically he could have moved to another force but realistically its not like he could have joined the Gardai.

They were together for about 4 years i think but ultimately she came home as she just couldn't face being there forever.

I think he could have moved to a different part of the UK, but not to Ireland and perhaps that could have worked for them as she would have had much better opportunities in London, but for whatever reason that never happened. She really tried to get work in his city but there was nothing for her really, she definitely would have been underemployed as you put it.

So.... I don't know OP, its hard to advise but basically I think her lack of good prospects impacted her ability to settle and that ultimately is why they broke up. He wanted to get married and she felt like that would have been agreeing to stay forever and it all got too much. Why he wouldnt move to somewhere in or around London if he wanted to be with her so badly, I don't know. From what I heard he felt he'd have had to take a step back career wise by joining another force, but if you compare to what she sacrificed, its not comparable.

That said, there are a lot of other reasons this relationship won't work out - there are no guarantees that a 10 month relationship thats always been long distance will go the distance.

It also fully depends on her personality. Some people are logical but some people are purely romantic and will always want to give things a try. Also, what ages are you? Have you spoken about having a family potentially? That might impact on how important her career is to her.

Purgative

I've followed this thread because it interested me a lot. I can see your position OP. I can also see your girlfriends though. I can remember that wonderful euphoria whenever I was about to leave a job, and I can imagine that linking into the great adventure of moving abroad.


There is some good advice and observations above. I wonder then, could you show her this thread?

My wife and I were long distance for a period.
The one thing we decided on was that if she left her country we couldn't mess about deciding if we were "right" for each other.
We decided that if we made that decision then we were getting married as it wouldn't be fair on either of us not to.

We're married 11 years at this stage.

OP what's your intentions towards her if she does give up her life to come over. Her making that decision isn't your responsibility but what comes after is.

Dial Hard

GrimGrimGrim wrote: »

With regard the the career issue, do you have any experience/insights?

Again, I'd be very wary of why someone would be so willing to take a massive career demotion to move country to be with someone they don't *actually* know all that well. I'd certainly have my suspicions as to the motivation behind it.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Again, I'd be very wary of why someone would be so willing to take a massive career demotion to move country to be with someone they don't *actually* know all that well. I'd certainly have my suspicions as to the motivation behind it.

LOVE LOVE LOVE !!!

I had an EX move for me. It was very early in our relationship and he took a hit on his job to come here.
It failed, miserably. He couldnt get a job and ended up resenting me. He also ended up draining my savings paying for his living here.
I would not recommend it.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Again, I'd be very wary of why someone would be so willing to take a massive career demotion to move country to be with someone they don't *actually* know all that well. I'd certainly have my suspicions as to the motivation behind it.

Tara 73 wrote:

If she's not seeing or not wanting to see the facts you pointed out here, she seems very naive or has even some other strange motives in mind for moving over.

Let me just put this one to bed. She's from a rich country, she's leaving behind a well paying job, good friends and a wonderful family. What possible ulterior gain, material or otherwise, would you suggest might be motivating her?

Tara 73 wrote:

on second thought, have to completely agree with Dial Hard's post. You 'know' each other for 10 month being in a long distance relationship. with lockdown you have met each other in person for about 7 month and how often can you meet each other when there's flying over involved, twice a month?

I think this idea is madness, and after your last posts I can't see you talked things through. You didn't even discuss the living arrangements.

See post #8 - we have discussed living arrangements. We are very mindful that going from our current arrangement to living together is an enormous step.

Regarding knowing each other for 10 months - I should clarify that we met in March 2019. We were over and back to each other that summer - we decided in August that we would make a serious effort at doing a proper long distance relationship with a view to closing the gap within a year. I do take your point though

Tara 73 wrote:

You are asking again for people replying who went through such a thing as if you can only take advice from guys who experienced such a situation. But every situation is different because we as people are completely unique, therefore I think it doesn't really matter whether the posters here had experience with such an issue or not. Most posters here are very level headed, with life experience and wisdom, I think you can accept also posts from posters who havn't been in this situation and gain from it.

I would agree to a point. I am grateful to you and indeed to everyone who has given their views so far. As anyone who has been in an LDR will tell you, there is a VERY different dynamic and set of challenges to contend with. With that in mind, I am just *particularly* interested in hearing from people who have been in a similar situation (and not dismissive of the opinions of anyone who has not).

SouthWesterly wrote:

My wife and I were long distance for a period.
The one thing we decided on was that if she left her country we couldn't mess about deciding if we were "right" for each other.
We decided that if we made that decision then we were getting married as it wouldn't be fair on either of us not to.

We're married 11 years at this stage.

OP what's your intentions towards her if she does give up her life to come over. Her making that decision isn't your responsibility but what comes after is.

Marriage - absolutely. We have discussed this and we are both on the exact same page. Neither of have a remote interest in kids so we have got that conversation out of the way.

In all my 20+ years of dating & relating I can count the number of people I have truly connected with on two thumbs. I am someone who needs a lot of introvert re-charge time but she is the one person on the planet with whom I can spend a solid week living in each others pockets and not feel the slightest need to take a break.

However, as I've alluded to in my first post, how I feel has to take a back seat to what's best for her. I care about her more than you could imagine and these decisions have been weighing very heavily on me for a long time. And so - hearing a positive story is very heartening - thanks . Can I ask, were there any issues for ye with 'sacrifices'(career, living arrangements or whatever)?

bitofabind

The thing about getting advice specifically from people who've gone through the same thing is that it muddies the water even further. You'll get stories on both sides of the fence, from the folks that are married 20 years and the folks who walked through major heartbreak because it didn't work out.

This is a very personal decision between you and your girlfriend. The big gap here is in your personalities, you sound very analytical and she sounds like an old romantic. I'm in love and sod the rest of it. I get why that would concern you. It's quite juvenile and short-sighted. But it's also human. We make decisions on feelings, with our hearts instead of our heads, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. All the research and analysis and opinions in the world won't change that if the reality of her coming to your UK town is the only option here and there can't be a middle ground i.e move to a bigger place with more opportunity, do LDR for longer.

Yes, she could do some planning and coordinating now, but she's likely thinking "I'll figure it out when I get there", the outcome will be the same. I say that as a fellow non-planner who took these chances, emigrated to a different continent on a whim, jumped around and landed on my feet. Made the wrong "A-level choices" and had different jobs and relationships and lived to tell the tale. I rolled my eyes at that FT article you linked about the "tremendous cost" of these big life decisions, jesus like, this is just life. We make decisions and course correct along the way. Most of us have multiple jobs, multiple relationships, some we love, some that don't work out. So to you I'd say, your concerns are legitimate, but try to chill out a little too. Reality is there's a 50/50 chance of things working out regardless.

The bigger concern for me would be how new the relationship is. 10 months means it's still the honeymoon, with the added romance and intensity of living in different countries. It's easy to connect with someone when your meetings are so fleeting, short-term with long gaps of longing in between. There's no evidence that it can work when the dynamic completely changes, i.e you're seeing each other all day every day and she's in many ways dependent on you. But again that's a risk you will take.

Loveinapril

My brother and sister in law did long distance between Ireland and the UK for a few years. She has a very niche job but was looking for work for a long time prior to making the move over. She got a job but commutes to a different county every day. They are married with children now so it obviously worked out but it is a very individual situation for them.

If your girlfriend is as smart as you say she is, then she has considered all the options and trusts that it will work out. I really admire how much thought and concern you have for her making such a big move but she obviously feels the relationship is worth it. You won't know until you try it. By the sounds of it, it's either this move for her or break up. I can't imagine you want to continue seeing each other long distance forever and you moving to her country is not an option.

osarusan

If she has her eyes wide open and is still willing to take the chance, then so be it.

There's a fine line between making sure she's aware of the potential problems and talking yourself out of a relationship. She could easily take your warnings as a sign that you don't want her to move either. What you are essentially saying to her is to consider if she should just break up with you to be on the safe side.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Yes, she could do some planning and coordinating now, but she's likely thinking "I'll figure it out when I get there", the outcome will be the same. I say that as a fellow non-planner who took these chances, emigrated to a different continent on a whim, jumped around and landed on my feet. Made the wrong "A-level choices" and had different jobs and relationships and lived to tell the tale. I rolled my eyes at that FT article you linked about the "tremendous cost" of these big life decisions, jesus like, this is just life. We make decisions and course correct along the way. Most of us have multiple jobs, multiple relationships, some we love, some that don't work out. So to you I'd say, your concerns are legitimate, but try to chill out a little too. Reality is there's a 50/50 chance of things working out regardless.

Thanks for your reply

What I wanted to highlight from that article was my fear that she wasn't attaching due weight to the job issue (as, a job is "what we do for around nine hours a day"). It might be easy to say "I'll figure it out when I get there" but what if when one gets there, one ends up doing something that makes those said 9 hours a complete misery? Not a good foundation for any relationship.

Yes, I will freely admit to being super-analytical (to my detriment sometimes..) but I have taken wild chances and gone on some insane adventures in my time. The crucial difference then was that it was JUST ME who had to face the consequences if things went pear shaped. While I completely understand the tendency to throw caution to the wind sometimes, I am having a very hard time entering that mindset in this instance, as I know my decisions can potentially have such a negative effect on someone else's life.

bitofabind wrote: »

The bigger concern for me would be how new the relationship is. 10 months means it's still the honeymoon, with the added romance and intensity of living in different countries. It's easy to connect with someone when your meetings are so fleeting, short-term with long gaps of longing in between. There's no evidence that it can work when the dynamic completely changes, i.e you're seeing each other all day every day and she's in many ways dependent on you. But again that's a risk you will take.

That is a very fair point and one that's been raised here a few times. It is a risk - but it is a risk I am actually quite confident in taking. To be analytical about it, if, for argument's sake, she magically managed to line up a job tomorrow, I would be very confident that we would manage the change in dynamic change and the change in day to day arrangements quite well. Connections like this are extremely rare for me (and we are such a cute couple ) so the shortness of our relationship would register as a risk but one worth taking. Unfortunately, this scenario only exists in the abstract right now - I'm really hoping that this magic job appears!

osarusan wrote:

There's a fine line between making sure she's aware of the potential problems and talking yourself out of a relationship. She could easily take your warnings as a sign that you don't want her to move either. What you are essentially saying to her is to consider if she should just break up with you to be on the safe side.

For sure - If I genuinely didn't want her to move over here I would tell her. She knows that I wouldn't be so manipulative a to shift the decision on to her shoulders just so I can avoid a difficult conversation with her (at least I hope she knows that..)

Right now I just want her to be as clear sighted as she can be on this matter. I can't make any decisions for her but I think at the very least I can help her focus her mind and support her in whatever way I can (e.g. speaking to people on the ground, helping her establish contacts). She may well decide to break up with me to be on the safe side and yes, in one sense, this is a question I am asking her to consider (I wouldn't necessarily phrase it in this way but that's the essence of it).


Thanks again for the replies - some very useful perspectives here. Plus, putting my thoughts in writing is helping a lot

Tork

This is her risk to take. You are looking at this through the lens of somebody who has been there, done that and worn the t-shirt. It's only through taking chances and making mistakes and having experiences that we wise up and see life differently. Your girlfriend has to take this journey by herself and to deal with the consequences good and bad. Moving countries to be with you is quite a chance to take but isn't it better than having "What if?" thoughts hanging over both of you? Would it really be so bad if she spent some time working in a coffee shop or another job like that? I'm sure you know from your years of underemployment that these sort of jobs give you a unique skillset which you can bring into other careers. Even if things don't work out for you both, it'll have been an experience for her. She'll be able to resume her career at home and make up for lost time.

As to what might happen if things work out for you, who knows? It'll be a case of you both making things up as you go along. This doesn't come naturally to somebody who over-analyses things but the shake-up might do you good. If you are to stay where you are, it might mean your girlfriend has to change careers and do something different. Would that be such a disaster? Lots of people change careers these days. Anyway I'm getting ahead of myself here. If your girlfriend is willing to move to give this a go, let her. She's an adult too.

Pboru22

Hi Grim,

Here is my story of long distance relationship, hope it helps...

I met a girl on a holiday and we ended up long distance relationship. She was a teacher in her home country. After a year of dating and many visits we decided we both wanted to be together. After long discussions we decided she would move here, the kicker was she wouldn’t be qualified here in her field. She knew that coming but wanted to do some work just to keep herself busy and not just staying at home

Anyway she moved over... her first job was working in a local newsagent where enjoyed and met some new friends but didn’t find it challenging enough.

She then reached out on Facebook group of her nationality living here and she met some amazing people and they helped open doors for her and I supported her in every step. In the end she as a sales rep selling equipment that she was qualified to use, which she loves and wouldn’t dream of doing anything else.

Were now 6 years living together. Plenty of bumps along the way but totally what we both wanted. There was days in the early part where she missed her previous job

This is something that can be overcome but does take time and a lot of planning and discussions . If ye both really want each other go for it

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

As to what might happen if things work out for you, who knows? It'll be a case of you both making things up as you go along. This doesn't come naturally to somebody who over-analyses things but the shake-up might do you good. If you are to stay where you are, it might mean your girlfriend has to change careers and do something different. Would that be such a disaster?

The reasonable/cautious side of my brain seems to think it will be a disaster. There is such a huge gulf between what she is doing at home (interesting, meaningful, well paid, excellent conditions) vs what she is realistically likely to be able to get here (the complete opposite of all the above), both now and in the medium term. This will have a huge bearing on her day to day well being and personal/professional development. This is the circle I can't seem to square and it keeps nagging me.

And yes, making things up as one goes along is not something that comes naturally to someone of my disposition

Purgative wrote:

I've followed this thread because it interested me a lot. I can see your position OP. I can also see your girlfriends though. I can remember that wonderful euphoria whenever I was about to leave a job, and I can imagine that linking into the great adventure of moving abroad.


There is some good advice and observations above. I wonder then, could you show her this thread?

You know, that's not a bad idea at all. Some good observations indeed. There's nothing here that I haven't talked about to her before in one form or another or that I would be scared to say to her directly.

She's coming over to visit in a few weeks. We'll at least be able to discuss all this face to face.

As a previous poster said, it's not for me to make the decision for her as to push her strongly in either direction would simply be controlling her. I'm maintaining the (gentle) pressure on her to keep up the research so that she has the best perspectives to approach all this.

Thanks again to everyone for the replies