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Friend and money

  • 13-06-2020 3:52am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have this friend since we were kids, we're quite close, we would meet up a few times a week and generally get on ok but something consistently comes up that gets in my nerves.
    She is very spoilt, never had a real job in her life but has a car, nice house, kids that her family pay her, they gave her a house rent and mortgage free and had the entire house redone for her before she moved in, brought her to Ikea so she could pick out all new furniture, bought a big garden shed and relandscaped the whole garden.
    Her father gives her a weekly allowance, she gets full social welfare and currently on the COVID payment, she also has her childrens allowance and maintenance from her ex partner. She is easily receiving 1000 euro a week and doesn't so much as lift a finger.
    I work full time but would have less money than her.
    When we meet I seem to always end up giving her money, like when we go somewhere in her car and she parks in a shopping center car park where you have to purchase a ticket to get out of the car park I am always the one to pay as each time she asks me if I have any change as she doesnt. She also has a way of guilting you into buying her drinks/lunch/coffee when out, I dont mind buying friends a drink or paying for lunch but it all adds up with her.
    One time we stayed in a hotel and she wanted to get room service, there was a group of four of us. We all put money in to cover the room service, I noticed that she put no money in towards it, I also noticed that there was too much money put in to the money pile and she pocketed the remaining money instead of giving it back to us. It was just a bit of change, maybe an extra 5 or 10 euro but still, the way she snapped it up was like a spoilt rotten child. Another time I was leaving her house and she asked if she could take one or two of my cigarettes, I said yes and then noticed she took like half of the pack. Im not much of a smoker and a packet of cigarettes would normally last me a week or two so I was a bit annoyed by this.
    Its hard to say no to her in these situations as they seem so pedantic in the moment.

    I am more willing to stand my ground than other friends, I don't spend much on her at all compared to them but our other friends will end up spending hundreds on her paying for her lunchs, they spend hundreds on her for birthdays and christmas. She just has this way of manipulating people into giving her money and buying her things, infact one of the biggest reasons her relationship with her childrens father broke down was her unwillingness to support herself and her spending of her ex partners wages, there were times they had to go to loan sharks as they couldnt pay the rent, between her parents allowance, social welfare, childrens allowance and his full time wage they were receiving almost 2000 a week and rent was 900 a month.
    I know this has to do with her upbringing, she was very spoiled and is very spoiled by her family still but I just dont know how to say no in these situations without causing a confrontation or making things awkward?


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 684 ✭✭✭zapper55


    Uughbdhr sounds like an absolute leech. Theres no way to do it that wont be awkward because her behaviour is awful and shes been enabled for years. Do you honestly enjoy her company? I'd be running far away from a friendship with someone like her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,204 ✭✭✭HBC08


    How was she on social welfare and then upgraded to the covid payment?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,419 ✭✭✭antix80


    If she's driving you around you pay for the parking.

    As for lunch, same applies if you took a trip somewhere a good drive away... Or if she drove you to that hotel.

    On a regular day if you just meet for lunch, just get separate bills - or go up and pay without saying anything but don't pay for hers. That's something you can put into practice next time you're out with her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 208 ✭✭redfox123


    First off, you can’t get upgraded to the covid payment if you’re on social welfare. Unless you’re fraudulently doing it somehow.
    Agree with the above if she’s driving, you pay for parking.

    On lunches etc, before you go in say I’m broke today I think I paid last time do you mind getting this? And if she doesn’t offer then then say ah crap I’ve only enough for mine.
    You are letting her be manipulative. Al these things are easily dealt with.

    But I think the smaller things are getting to you because you resent that she doesn’t work and seems to get everything given to her. If you stopped paying for her would you would still be annoyed? The whole post especially first paragraph describes someone you don’t particularly like. Do you not have a car, house etc and are envious? That won’t go away. Do you think she should go back to work? That’s her choice. The way her family treat her won’t change. What are the things you like about her?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,978 ✭✭✭Caranica


    OP what do you get out of this friendship? Is she truly a friend? Think of people as drains and radiators. Which is she? This logic has helped me remove people I thought were friends from my life and my life is so much better as a result.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    I agree with other posters that if she’s driving you, then you should pay for the car parking.

    Lunches, well if she’s facilitating you by collecting you / driving you, I think it would reasonable enough for you to pay. Like providing it’s a moderately priced lunch.

    The smokes - why did you give the box / the opportunity? Why didn’t you just hand her 2 smokes?

    It sounds like she has a very childish view of money, and has no practical idea of its worth / how to manage it. But it also sounds like you need to stand up for yourself, and learn how to say no / I can’t make it / I can’t afford it.

    How other friends pay for stuff for her or not is irrelevant. I know you were probably just saying that to illustrate your point, but that’s on them, and doesn’t impact your issue with her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    Caranica wrote: »
    OP what do you get out of this friendship? Is she truly a friend? Think of people as drains and radiators. Which is she? This logic has helped me remove people I thought were friends from my life and my life is so much better as a result.

    Absolutely seconding this OP. I’ve had a couple of friends that consistently allowed me to pay for everything, more fool me. I tend to be foolishly over generous & definitely got taken advantage of. I bit the bullet with these types of people & just started paying for myself or literally just saying: ‘I only have enough for my own lunch’ (or whatever!) Initially I found this mortifying but it’s become easier with practice!

    Some people will allow others to foot the bill whenever they can. I can’t abide meanness & eventually had to simply distance myself from one particular ‘friend‘ who was infact just a leech.

    As for your mates own financial situation it sounds like you resent her for this, I don’t blame you but in truth it’s not your business.

    Start reviewing your friendships & when they’re as imbalanced as this one seems to be then where possible don’t hang out with that person anymore. It doesn’t sound like you like or respect her very much anyway, again, I don’t blame you, she sounds awful!


  • Registered Users Posts: 461 ✭✭Pistachio19


    In future arrange to meet her at the shops/cafe/wherever ye are going. If she offers a lift just decline. That way you both pay for your own parking/public transport. If you go for lunch you just go to the till and pay for what you ate. If she claims to have no money tell her you only brought enough for your lunch. Sod her, if she's left in a bind not paying for her lunch it will soon teach her to bring her own money or card and pay her way. If other friends are willing to put up with her scrounging then that's their problem. Be firm in paying your percentage if out in a group, or for what you ate and drank. I go out with a couple of separate groups of friends. One group splits the bill and the ones who drink alcohol pay for their own. In the other group we actually just pay for exactly what we eat and drink.

    I also can't understand how she could be on the covid payment if she doesn't work?


  • Registered Users Posts: 152 ✭✭vikings2012


    Does she have any respect for you OP? And does she actually regard you as a friend? My friends, especially my lifelong friends, would never ask or expect me to pay for lunches and cigarettes.

    If they drive, I drive the next time.
    If they drive, I pay for parking.
    We buy our own lunch.

    I find it bizarre that life long friends would sponge of you. You should be in a comfortable position to say ‘No’ or ‘it’s your time to pay’ and it shouldn’t effect the relationship at all.

    This friendship could be one sided.


  • Registered Users Posts: 389 ✭✭the14thwarrior


    if she has a way of manipulating others, and you, then she knows what she is doing. Her expectations is that other people can, will and should pay for her.
    you know in her heart she won't change.
    you have to make a choice and change, you can do so slowly, discreetly, but firmly.
    or you can continue to let her sponge off you as long as you are friends.

    If you don't, every time you go with her, meet her, etc. you will be very mindful of money. Its all about the money. your friendship is not equal

    you can rationalise her behaviour and understand where it is coming from
    you can even understand it

    she won't change. you have to decide whether you will change your response.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Is your maths right? She's getting 1k was getting 2k a week when with partner? Welfare payments are means tested. Children's allowance is 140 per month per child. If she was on social welfare she gets no covid payment.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    She gets social welfare and her covid payment through fraud, her family help her to do this. Im not going into the details of that here as it's none of my business and not the topic of my thread.
    Im not jealous of her circumstances, I was trying to give narrative and to show how her experiences are and have been regarding money to maybe help show where she is coming from. Apologies if I didnt communicate myself clearly.
    I have allot of reasons for staying friends with her but the money issue is something that is causing a strain, that is why I came here looking for advice for that specific issue.
    She does not drive me around, she is not driving me any place, if we go anywhere in her car its 2 minutes into town as she would prefer not to walk, I dont think I should have to pay her parking just because I happened to be sitting in her car while we go for lunch or she runs errands. I have no problem buying lunch/coffee/drinks or anything else for a friend but feel she takes it too far, it's sort of expected and she feels entitled to friends money.
    Im just wondering how I can avoid getting sucked into paying for her/buying her things. It starts off small, a bit of change here and there but then she has forgotten to bring cash while in a shop, I pay for her so she can get her items but she never pays it back.. Its hard to explain as it builds up slow and starts small, on their own these situations seem pedantic/genuine mistakes but then they start happening more regularly and soon enough theres been a number of instances over a number of weeks were ive had to put my hand in my pocket.
    She doesnt even buy birthday presents for friends or family, for her fathers birthday she gave him back 50 euro that she owed him.
    I know she will never change, its the way she is but I suppose im asking, how can I be more assertive in these situations?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,978 ✭✭✭Caranica


    Please report her benefit fraud, it's costing all of us.

    Not having cash isn't an excuse in this day and age, you can pay with your phone almost everywhere. She's taking you for a ride, doubly. As a taxpayer and a "friend".


  • Registered Users Posts: 461 ✭✭Pistachio19


    She gets social welfare and her covid payment through fraud, her family help her to do this. Im not going into the details of that here as it's none of my business and not the topic of my thread.
    Im not jealous of her circumstances, I was trying to give narrative and to show how her experiences are and have been regarding money to maybe help show where she is coming from. Apologies if I didnt communicate myself clearly.
    I have allot of reasons for staying friends with her but the money issue is something that is causing a strain, that is why I came here looking for advice for that specific issue.
    She does not drive me around, she is not driving me any place, if we go anywhere in her car its 2 minutes into town as she would prefer not to walk, I dont think I should have to pay her parking just because I happened to be sitting in her car while we go for lunch or she runs errands. I have no problem buying lunch/coffee/drinks or anything else for a friend but feel she takes it too far, it's sort of expected and she feels entitled to friends money.
    Im just wondering how I can avoid getting sucked into paying for her/buying her things. It starts off small, a bit of change here and there but then she has forgotten to bring cash while in a shop, I pay for her so she can get her items but she never pays it back.. Its hard to explain as it builds up slow and starts small, on their own these situations seem pedantic/genuine mistakes but then they start happening more regularly and soon enough theres been a number of instances over a number of weeks were ive had to put my hand in my pocket.
    She doesnt even buy birthday presents for friends or family, for her fathers birthday she gave him back 50 euro that she owed him.
    I know she will never change, its the way she is but I suppose im asking, how can I be more assertive in these situations?

    It's very simple - you just stop paying for her. If she's in a shop with you, dont go to the cashier with her. If she calls to you in the shop looking for money say no. Tell her you don't have spare money. And walk away. Don't give her an opportunity to manipulate you into funding her. F*ck her if she can't get the item - not your problem. And my previous advice stands.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,371 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    It starts off small, a bit of change here and there but then she has forgotten to bring cash while in a shop, I pay for her so she can get her items but she never pays it back..

    And you are under no obligation to pay for her so 'she can get her items'. You can be sure that she's forgotten her wallet because she knows she can get you to pay, or if you refused her wallet would mysteriously be in the bottom of her bag. If she doesn't have the money, then she doesn't get what she wants. Why are you supporting her lifestyle.

    If she asks for change just say 'Sorry I have none on me'. If she asks you for money in a shop say 'Sorry, I don't have enough for that'. Pay for your own lunch, don't pay for hers. She'll stop leeching if you say no enough times, if you keep saying yes she'll keep asking.

    She's not a friend whatever you think, she's a parasite.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,167 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    And you are under no obligation to pay for her so 'she can get her items'. You can be sure that she's forgotten her wallet because she knows she can get you to pay, or if you refused her wallet would mysteriously be in the bottom of her bag. If she doesn't have the money, then she doesn't get what she wants. Why are you supporting her lifestyle.

    If she asks for change just say 'Sorry I have none on me'. If she asks you for money in a shop say 'Sorry, I don't have enough for that'. Pay for your own lunch, don't pay for hers. She'll stop leeching if you say no enough times, if you keep saying yes she'll keep asking.

    She's not a friend whatever you think, she's a parasite.

    And a fraudster, according to what you have posted, OP.

    Can't really see that there is much left of the friendship, tbh. Cut your losses is my advice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,031 ✭✭✭coolbeans


    She gets social welfare and her covid payment through fraud, her family help her to do this. Im not going into the details of that here as it's none of my business and not the topic of my thread.
    Im not jealous of her circumstances, I was trying to give narrative and to show how her experiences are and have been regarding money to maybe help show where she is coming from. Apologies if I didnt communicate myself clearly.
    I have allot of reasons for staying friends with her but the money issue is something that is causing a strain, that is why I came here looking for advice for that specific issue.
    She does not drive me around, she is not driving me any place, if we go anywhere in her car its 2 minutes into town as she would prefer not to walk, I dont think I should have to pay her parking just because I happened to be sitting in her car while we go for lunch or she runs errands. I have no problem buying lunch/coffee/drinks or anything else for a friend but feel she takes it too far, it's sort of expected and she feels entitled to friends money.
    Im just wondering how I can avoid getting sucked into paying for her/buying her things. It starts off small, a bit of change here and there but then she has forgotten to bring cash while in a shop, I pay for her so she can get her items but she never pays it back.. Its hard to explain as it builds up slow and starts small, on their own these situations seem pedantic/genuine mistakes but then they start happening more regularly and soon enough theres been a number of instances over a number of weeks were ive had to put my hand in my pocket.
    She doesnt even buy birthday presents for friends or family, for her fathers birthday she gave him back 50 euro that she owed him.
    I know she will never change, its the way she is but I suppose im asking, how can I be more assertive in these situations?

    I'd just like to add that fraud on the social welfare is everyone's business including your own. Regarding her behaviour toward you personally she's a parasite taking sustenance from you and everyone else to live her pathstic and dishonest life. I'd just cut her out to be honest.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    How is she allowed to get social without being means tested? You have to show you don't own property etc ...and your bank account and all incoming money.

    Also she can't be on social and upgrade to covid payment. You have to have been working to get covid payment.

    If she is getting these things. She is an expert at fraud. She would have to fake bank statements ...fill out forms lying and also fake a notice of dismissal or some kind of letter from a job.

    IN THIS case i would say report her for fraud. If she is REALLY getting that much. This is not someone on the dole doing the odd mixer.

    It doesn't sound like her being refused social welfare is going to make her poor etc. SHe will still have family money.

    If you dont like her this much ..and i don't blame you ...then you are not friends.


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