Best friend kiss

LegacyUser

So I need some advice on something that happened last night, I'm a 30 year old woman and my best friend is a 33 year old guy. last night he came over to have a few drinks and catch up(we live within 2km of each other and sat apart in the garden). Anyway when he was leaving he kissed me and told me he loves me. I don't know what to think, this guy is my best friend in the world and I don't want to jepordise that friendship but at the same time we are both single and attracted to each other. We did briefly date a few years ago but it didnt work out as we were both on the rebound from difficult relationships. I guess I'm wondering if people have successfully gone from friends to more? Is it worth risking the friendship?

Big Bag of Chips

Not much point sitting 2mtrs apart in the garden if he's going to kiss you on the way out!!

This is one of those age old questions, and there's no definite answer. I think if you're worried about ruining the friendship, then the friendship is more important to you than the prospect of him as a boyfriend. Meaning, if you wanted to be in a relationship with him you would be thrilled he kissed you.

One way or another the friendship is now changed. You can't remain "best friends" with him knowing that he is in love with you and wants more. Does he want more? Did he mention a relationship or was it a drink induced "I love you".

You will get people telling you it never works out. You will get people telling you they married their best friend after a similar incident. You are the only one who can judge this. But if you're doubtful, maybe it's wise to listen to your gut.

bitofabind

Friends to more is the perfect way to transition to a relationship IMHO. You already have a strong connection and know that you get on well, people in common, etc.

Why did you break up previously and realistically will those reasons be an issue again, once the honeymoon has passed?

Windorah

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You will get people telling you it never works out. You will get people telling you they married their best friend after a similar incident. You are the only one who can judge this. But if you're doubtful, maybe it's wise to listen to your gut.

I'm in the "married my best friend" camp. I had similar worries about ruining the friendship or making our group of friends awkward or whatever but I look back now and see we could never have continued as friends. There was obviously always something there and so we couldn't continue as "just friends". Happily married now with kids and a gaggle of pets. I'd say go for it! If you have a shot at happiness take it.

Purple Mountain

The first question to ask yourself, was this fuelled by alcohol?

cannotlogin

The current Covid19 outbreak and lock down is messing with people's head in terms of being isolated, lonely, seeking affection etc.

Ex's are all texting each other, friends making declaration of love etc.

I would genuinely park it until there's some sense of normality again. Don't risk a friendship until you both are sure you are definitely on the same page. It could work out amazingly but there's a lot of heightened emotion at the moment.

Truthvader

Sounds like the friendship is over as he is already off the reservation. Not sure what the problem is though. You like each other. Your attracted to each other. Are you waiting on someone with a farm? Ring him now and make a life - or at least have a go.

Gooey Looey

Just go for it!

Moonbeams8

He is your best friend and you are attracted to each other...I also think go for it!

Goodigal

You've only got one shot at this life. Go for it!

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies! To answer some of your questions- there was a lot of alcohol involved last night, but he has been texting this morning and i think he meant what he said last night. The thing that makes me hesitate is he hurt me the last time we went out, ended things by text etc

Pauliedragon

OP there's several things to think about. Obviously alcohol was involved which affects people's judgement. In my own experience for example I had a very close friend who behaved pretty badly at times when out on the piss. Because that person was a friend I laughed but if that was a partner I wouldn't tolerate it. You have to seperate a friend's behaviour as opposed to a potential partners behavior.

wildwillow

Cannotlogin is perfectly correct. Wait until things get back to some normality and he has more social interaction and then make a decision. If you are such good friends you should be able to discuss the issue and agree to wait.

MarriedButBi

It's a no brainer if he had not hurt you before. That he did makes it a little more difficult.

You can't have a good go at this a second time if you hold that over his head, it needs to be a fresh start.

If I was you I would go for it.

bitofabind

Bfkiss wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Did he ever apologise? Did you ever have a conversation about what happened between the two of you last time?

Without any discussion I'd be finding it really difficult to dive off the deep end with this guy again. A certain amount of head-over-heart needs to be engaged to make sure you don't end up hurt again and without your friend moving forward.

tara73

sorry OP, but this sounds all a bit messy to me. You were together once, then he ended it with a text, he's now your 'best friend' and tells you out of the blue after a lot of drinks consumed he 'loves you'.


all this sounds immature as hell, teenager would act like this, but you guys are in your thirties... also from your side him being your best friend although what he did.

do some self reflection about your relationship dynamics and how you proceed with people who behaved like him. it's also about self-respect. as somebody else mentioned, did you ever talk about the break up, that it hurt you? if yes it's a bit more understandable, otherwise I can't get my head around why he's your 'best friend'.

cj maxx

Were you both tipsy ?
Either way I agree with vader that that friendship is probably finished , at least the dynamic is now changed forever and you can't put it back in its box.
You have to talk to him honestly and with no drink and make sure you are same wavelength and you didn't pick it up wrong or he didn't mean it in another way like " I love you, you're so funny" kinda way.
Apart from that there's nothing standing in your way if you want to give it a 2nd shot

qwerty13

What was the kiss? On the cheek, touching lips, tongues?

What was the telling you he loved you? Love you? I love you? I’m in love with you?

That’s a lot of combos of things there, and unless it was tongues and I’m in love with you, I’d put it down to drunken friendship enthusiasm.

What did he text about - an open direct mention of the kiss etc? Or more general?

Do you think he’s less likely to hurt you this time than last time?

Truthvader

Bfkiss wrote: »

Thank you all for the replies! To answer some of your questions- there was a lot of alcohol involved last night, but he has been texting this morning and i think he meant what he said last night. The thing that makes me hesitate is he hurt me the last time we went out, ended things by text etc

If he couldn't hurt you would it mean anything at all? Ending by text isn't great but its about tomorrow now ; not yesterday. Wish you luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here, thanks for all the replies. We were both pretty tipsy, he gave me a hug as he was about to leave then kissed me (more than a peck) and said love you, we kissed for a few minutes but that was it. Talking to him today he doesn't seem to remember saying love you, but he's made it clear that he wants to be more than friends. We have discussed what happened last time we went out and hes apologised for what happened. We really are great friends, talk every day and meet up regularly, My heart says give it a go but my head says take things slow and see what happens

qwerty13

Based on your last post, I think it was a drunken
‘love you’ thing. As in he’s fond of you, and got a bit of the feeling of when you hooked up years ago. And alcohol and covid fuelled.

I don’t think think this has long term legs. I don’t see what has changed since the time you did hook up years ago.

“Love you” is v different from “I love you”. And completely different again from “I’m in love with you”. I think you might need to re-evaluate what he actually said.

ThewhiteJesus

Bfkiss wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Best way to start a relationship as friends, so give it a go, good luck

Moonbeams8

Bfkiss wrote: »

We really are great friends, talk every day and meet up regularly, My heart says give it a go but my head says take things slow and see what happens

I think both your head and your heart are right. I hope it works out for you both! It's lovely to hear some positive covid-19 stories.

Purgative

OP - I wish you well but could I just add a voice of caution.

This whole Covid thing has people living pretty secluded lives at the moment. People are naturally lonely and horny. So if there is, by chance, another fish in your pond as this thing goes on, they will seem nicer and nicer.

If you think he is Mr Forever, could I suggest you leave till the Covid thing is relaxed a little more than now.

If, on the other hand, you just fancy a nibble yourself and are just worried about the friendship - go for it. Two people that want to be friends are half way there already.

I hope that is some help and I wish you all the very best.

Tazium

Your own advice is best, take it slow. One benefit of being friends before a relationship is knowing your compatible already. I'm married to a woman I knew and hung out with for 12 years before we actually got together. Those final ten seconds of courage needed to actually ask her out on a 'date', felt like drawn-out hours, those words were the most difficult I've ever uttered, only because I worried for what might happen to our friendship if it didn't work out. Wishing you the very best.

leggo

‘Risking the friendship’ is a thing teens say, although some don’t grow out of it. If you’re actively both sexually attracted to each other, it’s not a platonic friendship. You’re just dancing around your feelings, fears and/or intentions with the ‘risking the friendship’ stuff. The reality is that the boundary being crossed, or even feelings existing, means the wheels are in motion one way or the other. Like if he just drops it now and you go back to normal, you’ll feel like he wasn’t that interested and be hurt. Or if you do same, he’ll feel rejected. Or you both faff about and have drunken hook ups then go back to normal, that leaves everyone confused and a bit hurt.

You’re attracted to each other and single, so the only way to avoid hurting each other is to try and hope it works. Here’s the thing: you’re not ‘risking’ the friendship because friendships are never guaranteed anyway, they continue because they’re nurtured and maintained by both parties through effort and care. If you need to hold back because you’re afraid he’ll hurt you, then that speaks to how you feel about him as a person and why are you close friends with a person who’d hurt you in any context? You’re essentially saying there you’re afraid that taking your relationship to its natural endpoint will reveal him to be a horrible person who’d hurt you.

If you think that’s rash, then you’re overthinking the whole thing and do it. If your feelings are giving you red flags about him, listen to them. But live your life and don’t stay in limbo without knowing why.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies guys! We had a movie night tonight- no alcohol and just time to chat. Both agreed to take things slow and see what happen, hopefully something good will come of this

LegacyUser

So two weeks in I messed it up already 🙈 we were chatting last night about how things were going and if we had any concerns. So i was completely honest and said that i was wondering if he saw having kids in his future ( its something he's yo-yoed about for years) I made it clear that it was years down the line if we worked out but its freaked him out and pretty sure its over

LegacyUser

So i was dumped by text - again. He wants to go back to how things were as friends, I'm not sure I can do that