Boyfriend doesn't love me the way I love him

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in a 5 mth relationship with an older gentleman (16 yrs between us), I'm early 40's and he's late 50's, he's separated with 2 adult children and we had a long conversation recently where he's admitted that he's not looking for anything serious, a bit of fun, no pressure. I know that he's not interested in anyone else.

The issue is my feelings are so much stronger than his, I'm so in love with him and he's said that we can carry on as we are and see what happens but it's so hard for me because I wish that he would love me the way that I love him.

I fear that if I carry on, I'm always hoping that one day his feelings will change and the worry is that I'm setting myself up for a fall when all I want is to loved in the same way and what happens if his feelings don't change.

Just looking for some advice and help here as I'm so upset.

Xterminator

you say your more committed to him, than he to you., but he wants the relationship to continue, and you are the one having your doubts.....
i would suggest in most relationships one partner is more invested than the the other, particularly at the start. You are well within your rights to assess if this is the correct relationship for you if you are both looking for very different things from this relationship. But has it run its course or should you give it more time?

Are there things that cause you particular concern? does he treat you poorly, or withhold affection? is he available to you?

you seem to hold his honesty in telling you how he feels and what he is looking for against him. But for me thats a positive trait.

seenitall

Hi OP,

This is a highly individual thing, as to how to proceed in this, really difficult to advise you as an individual, as we all have slightly different takes on tolerance of different levels of feelings etc. However, you do sound in a bad place over this and heartbroken, so I'll just give you my take on this kind of situation, FWIW.

I'm mid-forties, so similar age to yourself, I have a lot of experience under my belt, and what I can say from that perspective is that I'd be swiftly moving on from this situation and this man. I know that's easier said than done, because feeling in love with someone is a very powerful feeling, so it may not even be possible for you to do. But I do think it would play out best for you to leave it behind. Any time I was with someone where I was more into them than vice versa, it turned out badly for me. Not to beat around the bush too much, I was in the end the one who was dumped (no great surprise considering the situation). I think that, no matter how well a couple gets along with each other, if there is that mismatch of feelings for each other, it tends to come out eventually, in subtle and corrosive ways, because the person who is in love starts suffering from the knowledge their feelings aren't truly returned, and the person who is more indifferent starts feeling pressurised to give something they don't have to give, and therefore starts feeling annoyed, stifled and resentful. And so the whole thing plods miserably along until it shudders to a standstill and dies a death.

Another element in this, is whether it's worth giving this man and this situation some more time to develop and see where you are then. Sure you could do that, and you probably will. I will just say that I think if a man is not crazy about me 5 months in, he never will be. Again, just my experience. It's funny, because my last relationship broke up at exactly that point, 5 months in, and the only quick way to sum up why it fell through, is - I fell for him, but he didn't fall for me. Like, at all. As far as he was concerned, we were having a nice time together, and when he realised I felt much more than 'nice time', things went quickly downhill. As he wasn't in love, he found it too much pressure that I was. It's funny now, because once you're back to yourself, you realise how much imbalance there is in such a relationship, and how completely untenable it is. So he did the absolute right thing in dumping me. It's only that I was unaware (blinded by feelings) so it hurt. You can be more aware than I was.

Now, again, That's just my take, based on my personal experience. There's all kinds of relationships out there, and not all of them are based on deep feelings of love. Some people are just more detached by nature, and they just go through life not giving that much to others around them, in terms of affection or caring or passion or what have you. Or, they just don't feel that way about You, while they might about someone else. That's why love is such a mystery. Now, that for me would be very hard or impossible, to live a lifetime in such a relationship. I am a passionate person and need to be loved back. It would be a misery to feel less-loved. That's why I've decided to know when to walk away myself, next time, if a similar situation develops. But yes, that's hard, very hard. I don't envy you at all. You have to decide for yourself where your threshold is for this kind of predicament. I hope I helped even a little bit with my musings, and I wish you the best.

Lucky Lou

Megan22560 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't quote entire posts. It clogs threads with duplicate text and makes it difficult to read for users on the touch site.

Hi Megan

5 months is still early days in a relationship. He having done the settling down with children is not in the frame of mind for that now and wants fun which is his right and he is being honest with you.
You have two choices really. Accept this and see where it goes as he has suggested or end it and seek someone with similar goals to yourself.
Nobody else can make that decision but you.

leggo

I think it’s true that most relationships, over the first year or two, don’t have a precise balance where both partners are equally in love with each other, just because that’s an impossible thing to quantify. There are also times when one needs to lean on the relationship for comfort more than the other. Over time that tends to sync up where you’re a team and operate as a unit with your own individual roles in the relationship though.

The word you’re looking for to marry all of this is ‘healthy’. There’s a difference between being the first to text in the morning and having different answers to whether you want to marry each other one day. The solution here is easy to say but can be difficult to do: ask them these questions then flat out accept what they say and act on it.

If your reaction is that you want to change them, or that you find it absolutely unbearable to live without them despite the fact that they feel that way and sign up for an uneven relationship, that’s when you’re veering into territory that’s going to end up with you getting seriously hurt.

LegacyUser

He doesn't show me that much affection, he isn't the romantic type. We enjoy spending time together but the feelings we have for each other are so far apart.

What happens if his feelings never change and he never falls in love with me the way I feel about him. He seems to just want a bit of fun and have a casual relationship He's already told me that he'll never marry again or have children.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote entire (very long!) posts. It clogs threads with duplicate text and makes it difficult to read for users on the touch site.

Thank you, this post spoke volumes to me. It's just so hard to carry on when it feels like I'm not being loved the same way and I don't even know if he's in love with me at all. I think he just sees that I'm more like a good friend with a bit extra and all I wanted was for someone to love me and feel like I really matter to them.

I'm going to take some time to process my feelings, I was meant to meet him today but I think I'll say no and it's very hard to be around him right now. I need to figure out for myself what I should do.

tara73

Megan22560 wrote: »

Hi,
we had a long conversation recently where he's admitted that he's not looking for anything serious, a bit of fun, no pressure.

this. massive red flag. if somebody is saying this, he/she means it, browse here, it's always the same. I would not continue this 'relationship', you will only get hurt especially because you like him that much and he will not reciprocate and sooner or later he'll meet somebody where it klicks. you'll be gone from one day to the other and it will even hurt more than now.

beauf

Megan22560 wrote: »

He doesn't show me that much affection, he isn't the romantic type. We enjoy spending time together but the feelings we have for each other are so far apart. ...

5 months isn't very long but is enough that you'd imagine you'd both be on the same page at least. On one hand I would say why not enjoy the now and see where it goes. But I sounds like you're both in very different mindsets. So I'm not sure that's a good idea. Sorry Megan.

LimeFruitGum

He is actually being very straight with you. It’s OK to want more, but he is telling you he can’t give you that.
5 months is not a long period, but it sounds like you will need a few weeks to process the breakup. You might want to delete/block his details so you can move on.
Better to do it now before you waste more time on him. No point being this worried about someone who’s not that into you.

bottlebrush

Megan22560 wrote: »

He doesn't show me that much affection, he isn't the romantic type. We enjoy spending time together but the feelings we have for each other are so far apart.

What happens if his feelings never change and he never falls in love with me the way I feel about him. He seems to just want a bit of fun and have a casual relationship He's already told me that he'll never marry again or have children.

Op i think you need to heed what he is telling you. I've seen this situation time and time again. One of my friends stayed with a man for over 7 years hoping that his feelings would change but they didn't. And she ignored the many many signals that everyone else could see but she couldn't. If a long term relationship and marriage is what you want then this isn't the guy. Dont waste any more time.
If he has already told you he will never marry again or have children, then he means that he will never marry you. But it does not necessarily mean that he would not marry somebody else. I've seen this happen plenty of times.
He is laying his cards clearly on the table. The ball is in your court - easier to move on after 5 months than several years.

LegacyUser

He's separated and is out of a 35 yr marriage so I believe he won't marry anyone, it's not just me. To be honest, marriage isn't something that I'm bothered about or am even looking for but I just wanted a long term relationship and I just feel very upset and heartbroken that he doesn't love me like I love him and I even wonder if he loves me at all.

Part of me just wonders if he's just looking for a companion (with a few extras), he told me that it's my decision and I just need to come to terms with this and what to do.

MissShihTzu

tara73 wrote: »

this. massive red flag. if somebody is saying this, he/she means it, browse here, it's always the same. I would not continue this 'relationship', you will only get hurt especially because you like him that much and he will not reciprocate and sooner or later he'll meet somebody where it klicks. you'll be gone from one day to the other and it will even hurt more than now.

Sorry, OP but I have to agree. He's been honest with you in telling you he doesn't want anything serious. He told no lies. Please - cut your losses and move on before you get even more hurt.

bottlebrush

He has told you he is not looking for anything serious but at the same time has said to carry on as you are and see what happens.

If you want a long term relationship, which is serious, then the question is how long more are you prepared to carry on as you are to 'see what happens' I.e. for him to develop feelings to consider a long term relationship with you.

Nobody here can answer that and It's a risk you have to think about taking or leaving.

He's told you that it's your decision which suggests that if you decide to now call it a day, he will move on, so be prepared.

Good luck op

NewRed2

Megan, it's a horrible situation, I went through a far more drawn out long term version where we got engaged 8 years back and bought a house and all that stuff and one day she said marriage was not her thing. It becomes a line drawn in the sand and you either walk away or stay. So I'll tell you what happens if you stay, it starts eating away at you and resentment kicks in and then the self doubt creeps in about being good enough etc, it's a really horrible way to live and doesn't end well.
Now I'll say this, your situation is only a 5 month relationship so it's a different kettle of fish, you got the bad news early, that's a good thing in a way. But at the same time, he's drawn that line in the sand and you should think VERY carefully before you invest any more in this relationship.
I would say from my own experience, run for the hills, find someone who loves you and doesn't draw these lines in the sand, someone who will leave the door open to possibilities and not close them off. That's how life should be. No rules, no limits, fook that.
On the other hand, I know the temptation is there to work on it and maybe in a year, or two or three, I did that and all that happened was you end up older and even more frustrated and eventually you'll hit a point where you'll move on anyway then so I'd do it sooner rather than later if I was you. Don't be here in a few years wishing you'd done it sooner, it's a painful regret to carry.

Augme

I think it's obvious you are both on different paths and want different things.

But it is also important to have an honest chat with yourself about what you want from life and what the different decisions in life you make can/will impact on your future.

While you might really want something in life it is also important to realise that you might never achieve what you want and think about how to deal with that.

qwerty13

Megan22560 wrote: »

He doesn't show me that much affection, he isn't the romantic type. We enjoy spending time together but the feelings we have for each other are so far apart.

What happens if his feelings never change and he never falls in love with me the way I feel about him. He seems to just want a bit of fun and have a casual relationship He's already told me that he'll never marry again or have children.

My take is not what you want to hear, but he is being honest with you - that he likes having you around, but doesn’t want any more than that.

I’m afraid I don’t think it’s a case of “what if his feelings never change”. He’s told you what his feelings are, and it is (IMO) unlikely that they will change. That old expression about if someone tells you what they are, then listen to them.

I’m sorry to say that I think you’d be fooling yourself if you think his feelings will change. And as another poster said, do you really want to live a life of constant insecurity re him seeing you as a fun casual option versus you loving him. I don’t doubt that this would in the long term be detrimental to your mental well being, and build resentment. It’s like an unrequited love situation, where you’re involved with the person too.

I know it’s very upsetting to you. But he’s told you how he feels (ETA: or doesn’t feel about you) so I think you need to leave the relationship, as you are not going to get what you want or need from it.

It’s a bloody tough situation though. All the best OP.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your help. I spoke to him last night and he told me that he's not in love with me so clearly just used me for the extra benefits.

We've now split up and he was quite nasty towards me. As hard as it is now, I'll get through this and the right person is out there for me. Just feel that he led me down the garden path for months, it's a hard lesson but I know that I always deserved better.

Springfields

Well done for bring brave and not letting it drag on for months. You deserve better. Best of luck

leggo

It’s very easy to feel like you’re a victim who got used, and look if that’s how you have to feel now while it’s raw to feel better, fair enough. But a victim’s mentality helps nobody in the long run, it’s a road to depression and bitterness at the world. And that’ll also hinder you meeting others.

This guy was honest with you from the conversation where he told you he just wanted a bit of fun, he told you he didn’t want to marry anyone, and told you he wasn’t in love with you when you asked (which is a difficult thing to admit). That’s allowed and is a lot better than a lot of others get. Just because one person isn’t in love with you doesn’t make you unlovable. All that happened here is that one relationship didn’t click and last forever. That happens all the time, staying with someone forever is a BIG ask, and it’s unfair to put that expectation on people when we date to explore these feelings because we can’t know them from one drink together or a swipe on an app.

Break ups are ****, yes. But you’ll recover from this. This guy can’t change his feelings or force himself to love you, would you rather he kept going and tried? Or that he told you so that now you’re free to find someone who does love you?

LilacNails

You can't see it yet, but it was the best thing that happened.

bottlebrush

You did the right thing. Not alone was he not in love with you but the fact that he turned nasty towards you for making a decision that he left up to you is also a red flag for how issues between you would be sorted in the future. Well rid.

Tork

You've had a lucky escape in more ways than one. This guy probably couldn't believe his luck that he could get with a woman nearly 20 years his junior. I don't know where you saw the future with this guy heading but that age gap was bound to manifest itself in unwanted ways. You can call him "boyfriend" all you want but it isn't going to make him any younger or less susceptible to ageing.

splinter65

Megan22560 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm in a 5 mth relationship with an older gentleman (16 yrs between us), I'm early 40's and he's late 50's, he's separated with 2 adult children and we had a long conversation recently where he's admitted that he's not looking for anything serious, a bit of fun, no pressure. I know that he's not interested in anyone else.

The issue is my feelings are so much stronger than his, I'm so in love with him and he's said that we can carry on as we are and see what happens but it's so hard for me because I wish that he would love me the way that I love him.

I fear that if I carry on, I'm always hoping that one day his feelings will change and the worry is that I'm setting myself up for a fall when all I want is to loved in the same way and what happens if his feelings don't change.

Just looking for some advice and help here as I'm so upset.

Take a few days to be upset and disappointed. This is a good honest guy. He could string you along for years making you think that just as soon as he retires/finishes his mortgage/whatever that you and he will be together forever etc etc
But he’s been honest and told you he’s not interested. It’s not a reflection on you. I’d say it’s a case of he’s been there, bought the T-shirt etc.
So you can carry on in the full knowledge that your relationship has gone as far as it ever will and settle for that in the knowledge that he may sooner or later drift away from you, or you can end it now.
It’s really up to you. I’m sorry your so dissapointed and sad.

Edited to add: I see it’s over. Hard to accept now but it’s for the best (sorry for the cliche).

laserlad2010

5 months in and you have intense feelings of love for him, and he doesn't for you. Fair enough. That's your interpretation of "nasty" - his side might be more that he couldn't understand why you were so upset.

I'd spend more time figuring out why you would feel something so intense for someone who hasn't shown you much affection by your own description. What actions prompted your intense feelings if it's only 5 months and he hasn't shown you much affection?

He's just as better off without you as you are without him, imho

redfox123

There’s something a little naive, (perhaps immature) about your post. It’s the kind of post a very young person might write who hasn’t much relationship experience or one who consistently goes for those who are unreliable, unaffectionate, emotionally unavailable, obviously not right for them and won’t return any love etc, and then wonders how they ended up with a broken heart.

It’s unfortunate you are upset but there was not going to be any other outcome going by your description of this man.
Stop focusing on this random man who you hardly know, and how ‘in love’ you are with him (seriously??). I wouldn’t even say that to a closest friend about someone I was seeing for a short few months. It’s clearly very unrealistic and almost adolescent with this sort of infatuation.
Fact is people rarely rarely feel like this after their youth, and if they do it’s for someone totally wrong, and it’s more to do with their own sense of worth and lack there of, lack of confidence, and often a rebound to distract from other uncomfortable feelings. Usually not got to do with the actual person who is far from this god like entity they have become attached to.

It’s clearly to do with a void you are feeling in your own life that you got this intense about someone. You have got to fix that first, it’s not the job of another person, before dating anyone.
In a healthy relationship feelings grow more slowly, and not without confirmation that the other person is reciprocating and looking for the same thing from the start.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Truthvader I've removed your post as it in no way offered advice to the OP.

qwerty13

For what it’s worth, it doesn’t sound to me as though he used you. Just because he wasn’t in love with you doesn’t mean that he was right at the other end of the spectrum, ie using you. He probably liked you, but just not in the same way you liked him.

He was pretty clear about not wanting anything very serious - so I don’t think he’s led you down the garden path either. It didn’t work between the two of you, and that’s upsetting for you. But it really doesn’t sound like he’s a bad guy at all - just not the right guy for you.

LegacyUser

Can you delete this thread now as the relationship is over so don't need to read any more input?

Hannibal_Smith

Thread closed as per OPs request.

Thank you to all who replied with help and advice.

Best of luck OP